Iraqi, recently diagnosed with Schizoid personality disorder, and ADHD.... haven't been able to do anything my entire life, the meds don't help, I don't really feel anything anymore, not enough to drive me to do anything, got held from the highschool final exams three times, try as I might, the concept of concentrating enough to do any sort of task for long enough is impossible for me, whether it'd be having fun, or showering, or studying.... Now I wanna run away from home I've accepted that I'll never be able to achieve the heights I envision in my chronic daydreaming, and I have never been able to achieve any of my goals, and now my extended family is abusing my mother over it, and I end up eating shit in the end, and I can't even be allowed to defend her since I can't even put three words together without going nonverbal, I simply want to fade away, I wanna run away from home, simply so I don't have to go through any suicidal impulse, I'll take my cameras with me, maybe I'll work as a street photographer for some time... There are no public toilets in Iraq but I'll manage through the gyms if I have to take a shower (though، I'll probably only shower once per month, if I have to pay the $3 entry fee to any gym here)I've no redeeming qualities of my own, but it's not that I care at this point, I can't take the abuse anymore, neither the abuse in my head or the sneering from those around me, I've failed at even being a good older brother to my siblingsI'll be leaving everything behind, all my comforts, but I imagine there might be something for me, maybe not now, not in 10 years, maybe in 40, I've always wanted to explore South East Asia, maybe I'll try to hit up the Indian consulate for an immigration and start there? I wanna just fade out, see things, ever since I've gone through puberty I've hated staying at home, I just wanna run, and keep on running, until I've ended up somewhere new, novel, like Emanon from that one novel by Shinji Kajio.
>>33751584This is not your personal blog.
>>33751584Isn't schizoid the one where you don't desire human connection or interaction and don't care what others think of you?Also, just in general, speaking English AND Arabic is a huge skillset where you are. If you go to India, you could probably get a good job as a middle man for the Khaleejis who operate in Kerala and some other states
>>33751584What would be different, other than being away from your family? All the socializing still would be an issue.
>>33751607This board doesn't allow you to write long enough for me to ask about advice for if I should run away or not, what to do after running away, etc.Sorry, I am not the best writer out there. Just wanted to get my situation laid out.
>>33751611It can be, but like all personality disorders, it is a spectrum, and it just so happens to be that I don't really suffer from the "antisocial" aspects of the illness, I've always desired relationships, and I still have a "consciousness" when it comes to seeing what others do for me.
>>33751618It's way easier for me to socialise with strangers, as for what would be different... well, a new life, I guess?
so this is the end for you?
>>33751660Certainly feels like it, don't know what I'm meant to do anymore, education is the best weapon you can have but my mental state is disintegrating year by year, I'm starting to become psychologically confused and I feel like psychosis is gonna be upon me sooner or later, I might aswell make a massive, radical change to my life and do something new
>>33751611Sounds like a plan, but wouldn't I need a certificate?
>>33751584Holy shit I dont care about third worldersGet off our fucking website and stop speaking our language
>>33751760I've been a lurker for more than a decade, whomst've are thou to deny me, the brown man who was raised by YTMND?
>>33751584Have you heard the tale of Christopher McCandless?Be the Iraqi Christopher McCandless.Good luck. Sorry about all the bombs. I don't pay taxes.
>>33751584>>33751669I have a few links for you!Michael Talbot claims that everything is simultaneous and interconnected.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rgYz_BU2EwGojira. "You have the power to heal yourself!"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mn0WnPGM_eIIf you keep telling yourself that you're a retarded autist whose going to fade away, that's what you're going to become.Manifest as who you want to be, not as who they tell you to be.Oh, here's another link from the Master Key Society about manifestation and the power of language and thought over form.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJa5Ch0O4BI
>>33752171Hello, thank you very much for these links, I've not heard of Gojira but I'll be sure to check them out more in-depth after listening to the song you've sent.A few things though, I am not an autist, since I'm not on the autism spectrum, I am on the schizophrenia spectrum, which depending on who you ask, is "worse"... As for the other points, I get what you're saying, I really do, the whole manifestation thing, I've never been one to actually follow the whims of others, I've always set goals of my own and I've always woken up everyday motivated to pursue them.. However, avolition is a real thing, and my head blacking out 5 seconds everytime I do something more intensive than moving my leg, is also a thing, and these things are terrible, and they impede me, and I've never been able to get over those things, can't really read a book if every sentence you read has to be re-read nearly 150 times to be understood, which is also happening right now to some extentI wish it was an issue of mindset, then I can put on Lateralus by Tool and get over it, but it isn't, my mind has slowed to a crawl, a crawl of a legless person, and my subconscious is telling me the only way out is to take a radical approach, expose myself to such a degree of Nietzschean self-suffering that I may end up finally being alive by the end of it
>>33752131Sounds intriguing, I'll probably try to research legumes before doing that, though, seems like the poor man died of seeds, may his soul rest in peaceNo offense taken, I can't blame America for being the mess that I am, everyone's done a bit of tax dodging before, too.
>>33751584>I'll be leaving everything behind, all my comforts, but I imagine there might be something for meDONTThose shits only work if you are not socially retarded, plus you are living in a shithole. You will suffer immensely don't be an idiot. Just tank it or try to make things better. I know it's hard but DON'T RUN AWAY, your social skills will fuck you up.
>>33751584All very similar to me. I have been diagnosed Schizotypal, while they admitted it may be SzPD or some form of APD. I have wanted to escape the world for so long. I have no advice for you though, only that I feel bad for you and hope that you in some wise improve your circumstances.To be fair, I did run away at some point, but I almost died and was put into in-patient treatment. I would still be undisturbed to do it again, even if it meant starving underneath a bridge, although it would be an inconvenience to my family.
>>33752372I am very sorry that you are so physically afflicted, but I support you fully and love the plan.Death is an illusion. You have nothing to fear. Better to burn the wick to the nub then exist as a tiny blue flame that can't even melt wax. Go for it!What it that Tsunetomo said? "When you die you wake up from the dream" or something like that. I wish you well on your journey and that you may change for the better throughout the struggle.
>>33751584I have known one guy from uni that was schizoid and he struggled a lot with courses, learning and social contacts. I already experienced partial psychosis in the journey to healing my empty schizoid core. I can tell you that psychosis, especially if it is the schizoid healing kind, is good. The world is right there and it seems that this is what you want. Psychosis helps you get introduced.Since you are in a difficult spot I recommend you to stay with at least somebody that can take care of you or go into the psych ward if that is possible for you. If you go into psychosis you will need some help making the journey safely and have your basic needs met. I feel you. Dont give up.You need a safe place.
>>33751755No, no you wouldn't. You'd probably need to go to whatever cafe the Arabs in that town go to and make connections and drop that you speak excellent English
>>33753451You're right, I am rethinking this more, a social recluse like me would probably fade away in the city really fast, I mean, I don't suffer from social anxiety, but that doesn't mean I physically know how to approach people
>>33753721All the love to you, anon, I know we can do this.
>>33754293>>33751669Why are you bringing up psychosis? Schizoid disorder isn't the same as schizotypal or schizophrenic and doesn't involve any psychotic episodes
>>33755916^ ThisI'm a schizoid, but not a schizotypal/schizophrenicI could probably induce psychosis with weed but I don't know where to get weed roflmao
>>33755916But as for me mentioning "psychosis soon" is because I've had a few episodes of what seems to me like going insane, my thoughts have been getting all jumbled these days
>>33755916Im thinking that psychosis could help a schizoid better relate to the world.
>>33755922So the adhd meds don't work at all? I daydreamed about escaping my life for over a decade. Like going to do mining work in Australia or some shit. I dont care about comfort, but I just cannot think I can avoid the same issues you get in dealing with people anywhere in this world.
>>33755978Nope, Ritalin is like tic-tacs for me
