Married ~2 years and am learning that there is a problem between my wife and I concerning timing/interests.I'm a self-employed tradesman, busy Mon-Fri. Last 3 Saturdays too. Far places, long hours plus the commute. I am up at 5am, driving by 530, and not home until about 5pm. Bedtime is early - so I come home to shower, eat dinner, and spend a few hours with my wife. We watch TV, talk, go for a walk, etc. From the time I wake up in the morning until the time I go to bed, my "self" time is almost 0 aside from an occasional minute to look at my phone. Driving doesn't count.My wife is not particularly busy. A few hours a week tutoring, maybe.At the end of the day I want to be home, sit home, while she wants to jump up, get outside, etc. I often give in and go on walks/bike rides even though I'm tired and sore (and will be moreso the following day) because I value the time with her - but my heart really wishes to be home and relaxing. Ideally, playing on the computer.I am genuinely a good provider and do things around the house as I'm able, even though most house stuff lands on her since I'm not home. On weekends I am diligent with chores/errands and catching up on business things - always prioritizing these needs over my own free time. She always has more leisure time than me, even between being busy with house stuff. I'm always at a disadvantage.I don't mind going outside. I don't mind being with her. I am happy to be with her and do things, but I'm always low-key ready to jump off the roof because everything outside of me has to come first. I don't have any guaranteed "self" time in order to decompress. I'm on week 3 of basically zero. I'm going fucking crazy - but when I express this, it hurts her. Why? How?
Slow down boi I’m not reading all that. You’re gone 12 hours a day 6 days a week and you’re complaining because you’re wife wants to go out and ido things with you in your free time?. And you think SHE’s being unreasonable? Go ahead and save yourself some time and money and divorce her already because she’s going to just find someone else to give her time and affection while you’re gone. Compromise dumbass. You’re a self employed tradesman? Don’t you have employees, helpers or subcontractors to do the grunt work so you have more free time? If not then you’re probably a shittier businessman than husband. Not trying to be an asshole but that’s just the reality brodi. Does she have a job? If not why?
2/?On weekends I often agree to walk with her, bike ride, or some kind of outing. It takes the free time and squashes that, so I'm lucky on average if I have a few hours of my own time in a week. I really struggle between engaging with her and trying not to lose my mind with my limited time. Friday to now I've played ~1 hour and Monday morning is looming. I've spent Saturday doing business/chores/shopping and the few hours of what is "free" is essentially spent being with her on a walk, bike ride, etc. In the evenings we are watching a movie/eating/cuddling.We argue and fight over this because she hates my gaming hobby. It drives her insane. I didn't want to ride an hour to the lake today, despite agreeing to ride somewhere (I figured something more local), and so I felt stuck. She was upset/hurt that I didn't want to go there and I'm at home now supposedly able to play computer (don't want to, given the upset).How do you navigate, as a man, having zero selfish free time? I don't expect to game like I did while I was young or single, I am not an idiot, hence why I prioritize the rest of life first and foremost. But if I choose to spend the time gaming, anything more than a strictly kept hour will also drive her crazy - even if I'm being social with friends, multiplayer.She is upset because she notices that gaming is the one thing I really seem to desire, which is largely true because it's the only time I have to truly relax and forget about life (hence, hobby). Except she discounts the fact that I am always working on improving my business, establishing clients/contracts, increasing the income (we're essentially 1 income and I provide us both with an apartment, two vehicles, and everything else). I love and appreciate her for many reasons, and she really does see that my needs are met in terms of the home being clean, food, laundry, etc. She will help me with errands if I need (when I'm working), and overall she does really good.
>>33761327Work less or have a adopt a 7 year old so you can game with him
>>33761326I'm averaging things, a bit, but I'm gone from the house at a minimum 10 hours a day. Often a bit more, than less.Sometimes 6 days a week, but always 5 days.I'm not complaining that she wants to be with me - I like being with her too. I really, genuinely, don't mind her company or doing things with her - but the few hours I have in an evening are spent between shower/dinner and being with her. If I want to indulge myself during these times, even a bit, she is automatically hurt and upset that I want to play on the computer. In her mind I should be wanting to come home and read, write, work out, arts and crafts or some other such things.So Mon-Fri essentially I don't spend this time at the computer. It's not worth the fight.This is my compromise. Even on weekends I ensure that we have time together and cross off all business stuff first. Then spend time with her before daring to do my own thing. Again, sick of upsetting her.It has nothing to do with employees or grunt work, whether you have them or not, because you still have to invest time and energy into work/professions. I don't think it's fair the way you make me out to be, in this case.She kind of has a job... I paid $4500 to certify her for English teaching and she is just now getting some clients from various companies. But it has only been a few hours, total. Basically nothing - but we're hoping that will change a bit. She wanted to be an artist her whole life but thankfully after a year at art school has changed her mind, so now she focused on languages (which she is actually very good at). Financially all things are on my shoulders right now.
>>33761294Urgh this is why I don't want to get married and start a family
>>33761333Hah, yeah...I've tried to game with her but she has zero interest in gaming - so it's just a me thing. We've tried them all.Television and movies she's not big on fantasy, sci-fi, action movies or anything animated - so it's tough in that regard too, although we manage. I'll watch/do stuff that isn't super interesting to me, but she very visibly just disengages when it's not to her liking.Children would be fun, eventually, but I'm fairly certain that her hatred towards video games will impact the ability for me to share in this with children.Having to even say these things or argue with her is extra frustrating because I'm well adjusted, masculine, etc. I'm not a man-child and I don't neglect her or anything in favour of my hobby. I didn't choose to love this over other things, but this is what I'm stuck with - my hobby is frowned upon.I run my own welding rig/truck and do some seriously hardcore stuff. I've poured so much effort into trades, the past 10 years, to get to where I am - my earnings are excellent now. Couldn't have done this if I was truly lazy or wrong in priorities, ya know?
>>33761394Yeah...The thought occurs, often, that were I alone I could just do everything I want.But then I'd also be cripplingly lonely, uninterested, etc. And I really, truly want to have a quality woman, children, home, etc.I just don't know how to strike a balance between it all. Children will mean the "0" time I have now will be less... and I guess I won't mind, for the sake of kids, but still...As is, I figured living with my wife would be mostly dedication to her/life and limited gaming time, but I'm sick of fighting with her in the moments where I choose to game and she gets upset because she doesn't approve. I envisioned it differently. When she does fun hobby stuff, it's good to me. I'm happy for her. I'm find with her being happy, self indulging. She doesn't seem that way towards me. I understand nothing about her painting hobby or deep enjoyment of reading - but whatever.
>>33761408What cunt you from?Yeah wife and kids sucks unless you have a great wife and non-loser kids. That's just the reality. But also bachelor life requires you be disinhibited and carefree. Live fast, die young, you know? Arguably better than what you and many men have going on.
>>33761367Where are you from?
>>33761448>>33761477Canada.
>>33761294Get a calendar and set up times for yourself and her. Put your work hours, and any other task that you do during your week. This shit is useful for yourself too. I do it and I am not married, but this keeps me on task. Run your life like a business so that she really can't question it. Evidence trumps emotion, and with woman they usually only think emotionally. It may seem like a lot at first but it is something that becomes easy, and will help you out in your personal life.Ask her, "what days do you want to hang out?" and let her know that there are times you need time to yourself as well. Showing her a calendar of your schedule gives her a real solid look at your life and can give her an understanding of where you are coming from. It's hard to argue things when you have it right in front of your eyes.>>33761326>that spacingDon't listen to this retard OP.
>>33761648Let me add a few more things here OP. Hopefully you get to read this.>Don't fight with and/or raise your voice to your wifeRemember it isn't worth it to raise your voice and fight. It's hard, but keep a calm demeanor. Woman tend to love to fight, don't give it to her. Be the bigger man.>Try and game on the goGet your self a steam deck or a ROG ally. Maybe change the way you game a bit to be able to be with your wife and still enjoy your hobby. We live in a time where you can do that pretty easily and it may be worth it to get yourself something for that purpose.>Ask your wife to get herself a good hobby or a new jobThis will benefit her mental health and/or create a way for her to generate money for herself and your family. Make sure not to put it in a way that makes it seem you are waying it in a harsh way (She may take it as an insult). Say, "Hey honey, have you thought about getting into something that you enjoy? Maybe starting a business?". Talk about the benefits of doing so and be receptive to what she wants to do.>Encourage your wife to also keep a calendar. It works really well OP trust me. I have a pocket calendar that I keep for myself. Everyone has a phone too, so it makes it that much easier to do it.Good luck OP. God speed.
>>33761294Anon, cant you get her some yoga, knitting, baking or whatever the fuck classes women? Maybe book club too? And you schedule them between 6 and 8 and thats when you will do your fiesta. Or send her running at night if you leave in a safe enviroment or to the gym
>>33762300Also, does she have any friends?Also also dont let this retards tell you youre wrong, everybody needs daily alone time to decompress. I would lose my head without mine
>>33761648Noted - thank you.>>33762199Reading loud and clear, brother.We don't yell or argue like one might think. It's emotional and disagreeing, sure, but it's not a shouting match of some toxic grudge match. I love her way, way too much to behave like that. And her towards me, too. It's generally fair argument without personal stabs or other bad things.The gaming on the go idea is great but I don't get much option there since my work is physical with little downtime, and I'm otherwise driving. Can't quite game when I feel like it, sadly - like if I took train or bus.Hell, I've gamed some Balatro, Slay the Spire, etc on my phone while we traveled (like, on a plane, or 6 hour bus ride, or just killing time for some long duration bs) and she didn't like that either... Gave me a hard time. She sees gaming as a mental sickness, a disease. The truth is that gaming is very important to me but I function in adult ways, so it doesn't get in the way of ordering my life or having success. I'm well adjusted - legit lucky if I get 2-3 hours of computer time in a week.Wife has nice, solo hobbies like painting, reading, yoga, biking, etc. Her job is slow, tutoring English, but building... Just, at best she's maybe 6 hours a week with it. Not enough.>>33762300She doesn't want or need them, basically. Her stuff is all home bound. The 10 hours I'm away, daily, she divides as needed for her job stuff, necessities, and leisure time. My ~4 hours at home daily is with her in company and she wants to spend it with me. No luck on timing these things, really... She even cancelled some 8pm tutoring because it "took time away" from us being together, for two hours a week. It's... Tough.
>>33762310Yes, friends, but too far away. Nobody here locally. Nothing locally.I hear what you say about daily alone time. Loud and clear. This is what I try to argue but she hates gaming ("it's a disease") and is immediately put-off when I do it. So I often choose not to push so hard, since I don't want to fight.Solution is probably just to ignore her.
>>33761327tell her you need at least half of sunday all for yourselves. she has alott of time for herself and you want some too
>>33761294Hi babby. I am in basically the same situation, except I wake up earlier, leave for my commute later, and get back home later. I have been working all saturdays and some sundays for the past year. I used to be a person that needed a lot of "me" time to decompress. I have been married for over 10 years and I have long ago accspted that "me" time just doesn't exist. I had to learn to adapt and accept that my entire life is providing and comforting others. No one will ever provide for me and I am not allowed to seek comfort. It is what it is. If you love her you will continue to sacrifice more and more so she can be happy. Wife's happiness > husband's happiness or even his health.
>>33762760Leave for commute earlier*. I wake up at 4, leave home by 4:45, start work about 5:20. I get home about 6pm
>>33762592>She sees gaming as a mental sickness, a diseaseThat's pretty dramatic desu.
>>33762706so the problem its not that you need alone time, but rather that you need gaming timedoes she not understand the notion of personal hobby? try naggimg her about one of her hobbies to give her a taste of her own medicine lolbut yeah, if youre reluctant to bring up the problem because it might end up in an argument, youre in a kind of bad place right now
