>be me>severe anxiety and other things, went undiagnosed>meet girl at event>oneitis, later discovered this was tied to mental illness>sperg out in front of her>try to get her number once she's gone, she ghosts, and I blurt out massive unwarranted apology before going no contactFrom here, there's just some general online cuckery that ensues, that I don't really want to talk about. Feel free to ask about it though.>a year pass>diagnosis arrives>'wtf everything makes sense now'>general cuckery stops as i work on the real problem>quit halfway through to look for specialistI think talking about this part specifically would out me more than the summary already has, without providing anything of value.>time to move onto bigger things>look into doctorate programs>one stands out for many reasons>it's the one this girl went to>instant anxiety>avoid it but it keeps popping upRecommendations from profs to go there, talks about student environment, etc. The first two were definitely the biggest factors since it seemed like a sure shot. (cont'd)
>>33827617>cringe at the thought of applying>remember how my therapist said i'm making a big deal about the whole incident>remember how it's been a year and she probably doesn't even remember>remember my general cuckoldry and comparisons>it's not like i'm going to pursue her again anyways>i always have the chance to just turn down the offer if it feels wrong>i'm just being paranoid - fuck it we ballThis was a terrible mistake.Didn't get in anywhere, and I found out that graduate students sit on the admissions committee too. Now I'm convinced that I've somehow been shadowbanned from every school in the country for being a creep. Like the incident made it to the profs there, who spoke to their colleagues (whom I also applied to work under), and their colleagues, and now anywhere I go either thinks I'm a creep or knows I'm mentally ill.It's straight-up paralyzing. I've been having other anxious thoughts too, but this one seems the most real, and one that I can't really rationalize away because I genuinely didn't consider the optics when thinking back then. It sucks because I'm trying to apply to doctorates again and I feel like it might be totally hopeless.I don't know if there are any academics on this site but I'd appreciate if someone could talk sense into me.
>>33827640Last time I put an /adv/ice question in /sci/, they moved me here, so I'm hoping this is the right board, but I can also double post there.
>>33827617Why lie? Why write fiction like this on 4chan of all places? For what purpose? You know lying is a sin, right? Do you want to go to hell?
>>33828389Anon I swear this isn't a lie, I'm genuinely just retardedI've been in therapy and my friends know most of this, they think that I'm not that person anymore, but I made a dumbass decision like this *while* in therapy and I worry that they won't see me as genuinely trying. I'm not. I'm just retarded, I didn't mean anyone any harmI'm scared I may have fucked up my whole career in proving to myself that I'm not a pussy
>>33827617>>33827640>bro thinks he is the main character
>>33828454>>33828389If I'm being honest, even I don't believe myself when I say my intentions are genuine. It feels like my decision making process was split into several different streams of thought. At the time, I suppressed the part of me that felt like I had bad intentions (but not the bad intentions themselves), then suppressed the part that felt like I was suppressing it on purpose to claim innocence, and that second part feels like it should've been given more consideration beyond 'extension of anxiety' now. And if I don't believe I'm innocent, how can I expect my friends to do the same? Right now I feel like this is partly a genuine question, partly anxiety-driven thought, and partly an attempt to exonerate myself of any wrongdoing.
>>33828497Anon, quite the opposite, I fear being written off as a creep.It makes sense for word to spread in small academic communities about one person, I don't think I'm being that paranoid.
Am I just being crazy? There are other stressors in my life right now, so I'm definitely having wild thoughts, but this one actually seems really plausible and damning.
>>33829186Unquestionably yes. Girls are on the receiving end of this literally every day, and often far worse. She probably doesn't remember you, and if she does than at worst it'll lead to an awkward chuckle. Unless you tried to rape her and the police were called, this is literally nothing.
>>33829559>Girls are on the receiving end of this literally every day, and often far worse teeheeTotal Foid Death
>>33829559>She probably doesn't remember youGenuinely hope so. The problem is that there's enough to suggest it's a unique phenomenon for her. I won't go into it but I feel like she may not get as many creepy DMs as other girls? I have no real basis for it but, even if it isn't, the circumstances are pretty fucking unique. Just from an outsider perspective:>guy behaves, presumably, in a creepy way towards you for like a month in a fairly intimate setting>after that the guy texts you on a platform that isn't meant for socializing>breaks down halfway through, goes somber and serious, asks for your number>a month after you ghost he comes back, apologizing, with a literal essay about how he fucked upThis doesn't even include the fact that I can't remember how I acted during the event, or if there's other things apart from this that may come into effect. It's not a good look. Besides, even if she didn't get too affected by it (which I hope she didn't, I was acting out of mental illness and I kind of wish I didn't put it on her or other people), even a dry account of the events might be enough for the 'he's a creep and a danger to women' impression of me to spread. I don't know, it doesn't feel like it was a forgettable incident. I'm hoping it was.
>>33829795Bumping, I've been getting anxieties about other things too, some realistic and some not. Hearing perspectives like >>33829559 helps calm me down.
>>33830959Bump.
Bumping again.>>33829559I should probably mention something. I got some female friends that reassure me about this kind of stuff, since I tend to get super paranoid and anxious, and they generally tell me that I'm just acting up. Even they saw this one and said 'yeah, that's bad, please leave her alone'. Somehow I didn't remember this exchange until, like, last week.
>>33834738Bump.
Anon, I’m going to feed into your delusional narrative for a moment, okay?So what if she did mention you? Nothing you’ve alluded to doing was physical, violent, or harmful. You might’ve been overbearing or outright — unnerving. That’s a byproduct of anxious personalities. Anxiety and panic can spread like a virus. People are naturally defensive against them, even when there is good cause to panic. What other programs or strategies do you have instead? Forget the girl, forget what you did, what’s next? There’s more you can focus on I’ll bet. Wish you luck on your journey anon. Try to keep in mind that internalized anxiety is the enemy in situations like this. It’ll only cause you to eat yourself alive.
>>33838577>So what if she did mention you?>Nothing you’ve alluded to doing was physical, violent, or harmful.I guess that's true, but I'd point you to these >>33829795 >>33834738 posts, because I feel like violence isn't the only way to harm someone. Granted, in this case I probably harmed myself more than I harmed her, but there was a net negative effect. But, more important to your point, I feel like academia leans towards being more mature and egalitarian, which isn't necessary a bad thing, just an issue when an anecdote about me could be treated much more severely than it would in the real world.>What other programs or strategies do you have instead? Forget the girl, forget what you did, what’s next? There’s more you can focus on I’ll bet.There is. In fact it's what's causing all this anxiety, I think. But I'm working through it. It's just that this one felt genuine and I wanted to see if it was real, and also wanted to understand how to personally make up for what I did. >Wish you luck on your journey anon.Thanks anon.
Final bump, probably.
>>33828785No one cares.
>>33838887>It's just that this one felt genuine and I wanted to see if it was real, and also wanted to understand how to personally make up for what I didyou don’t owe her that. You don’t owe her some kind of personally tailored self-inflicted retribution. yeah you might’ve freaked out a little. and that might’ve made her feel uncomfortable. But either she learns to have an appropriate response on her end, which on her end would just be to accept that you were a weirdo and move on from it. If this is something where she were truly holding onto it it’s her fault for not processing that in a healthy way. And whose to say that she didn’t? For all we know, she doesn’t think of you at all. And honestly, you should feel relieved by that thought. You’ve just created a trap in your head. A thought that you constantly revisit to punish yourself . I genuinely hope you get over this. And I hope you pursue what you want to in life. You’ve already taken the initiative towards some kind of career or future. You need to let go. You need to keep moving forward. Leave her in the past.
