Skip to "the point" if you don't want to hear me whinge a bunch first.About 2 months ago, my 55-year-old father had a haemorrhage stroke in his thalamus. He basically just got up one day, and it was like he didn't really "wake up". He has had uncontrolled hypertension for years. He had medication, though presumably due to influence from my mum he'd only take it when he "felt he needed it". Really, the stroke was inevitable.The last months have been utterly terrifying, with me not knowing if I will wake up without a father the next day. He's on a complex 7 drug regimen now, but the doctors are *still* trying to figure out how to control it well enough.>THE POINTThis brings me onto the problem and the reason I'm making this thread: Even with his drug regimen, he's had 3 Hypertensive crisis since he left the hospital. 2 of those were seemingly directly triggered by the idea of him going to rehab. With the latest one, earlier today, I wasn't there. I had planned to be at University until 2 PM but ended up coming home around 7 PM. This, alongside the rehab thing, seemingly caused him immense, extra stress. He calmed down very quickly the moment I was there.Even while he was delirious in the hospital he would constantly ask about me and my mother and ended up discharging himself from the hospital, deciding he'd just… come home…Given his age, he was never diagnosed with anything, but everyone involved basically agreed he seems to have some extreme fear of loss and abandonment. A fear of institutionalization and probably all kinds of other traumas, likely not aided by my brother's suicide just a few years ago.>TLDRHow can I live the life of a 20-year-old without indirectly hurting my dad? I'm right at the transition into what I'd consider a normal adult life and while I feel imprisoned at home and have for years (decades) I don't know what I would do without a father, but I also can't be a full-time caretaker. I need to be my own person.
You’re in a really painful spot — trying to care for your dad while starting your own life. What’s happening isn’t your fault: after a thalamic stroke, stress can literally spike blood pressure, so his crises when you’re away make medical sense, not moral ones.**Here’s what you can do:**1. **Tell his doctors** about the stress link — they can adjust meds or suggest therapy/home rehab.2. **Create predictability:** set clear routines and check-ins so he feels safe when you’re gone.3. **Get support:** ask about visiting nurses, stroke programs, or caregiver resources.4. **Set gentle boundaries:** remind him, *“I’m not leaving you, but I need to live my life too — that’s part of keeping us both okay.”*5. **Care for yourself:** therapy or support groups will help you manage guilt and burnout.You can love him and still build your own future — both are necessary for him to heal and for you to live.
>>33839146Thanks, ChatGPT!
a big part of adult life is doing shit you dont want to dothink about where your boundaries are, and set themthings like: there's a party on friday and im not going to be home
My dad walked out on my pregnant mother and I grew up without ever knowing him until the age of 25.If you can't imagine living without your father, what are you trying to say about me?
>>33839132>How can I live the life of a 20-year-old without indirectly hurting my dad? I'm right at the transition into what I'd consider a normal adult life and while I feel imprisoned at home and have for years (decades) I don't know what I would do without a father, but I also can't be a full-time caretaker. I need to be my own person.At face value one thing I think you need to understand is that he isn't going to live forever. No matter what you, or anyone else does. If it's his time, it's his time.Sounds like he has seen this problem coming for years and this is where he ended up. That had nothing to do with you. You ware not responsible for how his health turned out or how he dealt with his trauma/issues or whatever. It sucks beyond comprehension but this is what life looks like. You might have to flat out tell him, "I can't let the ending of you, also end my future".There's one thing worse than failing college / start of adulthood, and that is being smart enough to know you could have made it work but you weren't brave enough to push through it all.
>>33839205Why are you trying to make it about you? Cringe.Op, i get you as i am somewhat in a similar situation, although Im slightly older, my father is very old and has been hospitalized for more than 2 months now, I've missed some important time with my own child to take the time and see him so he doesn't stay alone in the hospital and depressed. I'd say you have to find a compromise, you can't completely abandon him but also life goes on. You can't be here for him 24/7 but find some special moments to make him know you're here if that's what you want.
My dad died when I was 22 so my advice is get over yourself. The world doesn't care about what you want to hold onto forever
