Good morning. I need someone to tell me what to do. I’m a woman in my early to mid twenties (i’m 24) and i have been dating a guy for a few months. He’s 30 FYI.At the start, everything seemed okay, we had lots ot fun, could talk about anything really and i trust him with my whole life. But there’s something playing around recently.He does stuff like this:> he doenst want me to talk to my male colleagues, doesnt want me to have male friends> doesnt let me to to parties to have fun, even it its all girls> wants to control my friwnd group because he says women are devil and might have a bad influence on me> has installed wheres my iphone at his system so he knows my location 24/7> wanted to know my past, if i had any scandals or had a whorish past> wanrs me to dress like a ‘lady’ and not like a ‘whore’ so we always had a fight when i wore mini skirts or tight dressesI really like him but some of his personality traits are too much. Please tell me i’m right. Or am i in the wrong?
Like what should i do? I dont want to enter an abusive relationship
He wants to make you his wife and mother of his children, whether or not you are okay with that is up to you.Any male who does not do these things is just looking for a quick lay or pump and dump.
>>33862602Is it a good thing?
>>33862590Are you being dumb on purpose?
>>33862614Sorry, i’m just scared
>>33862590He wants you to essentially be his property because he's insecure and desperate. He will never trust you no matter how many of his demands you follow.This doesn't end well for either of you. If you want to give it another shot, let him know you don't want to be controlled like property. If he doesn't snap out of it just leave him.
>>33862627Girl. That is literally textbook "Hey reddit I'm in an abusive relationship, is this an abusive relationship?" tier post. You should know, simply by what you wrote what is wrong and what is going on. That doesn't seem right, right? It's overly possessive to the point where you can't be yourself. That's controlling to the point where you can't even be a person. You tell me if that is okay, because it sure as shit don't seem to be okay. Dump his ass ASAP and file a restraining order if need be because that is comedically villainous to the point I thought you were trolling.
>>33862614No, that's just her nature.
>>33862590It's always a rough question. Cuz I can tell you as a guy, I personally dealt with the conundrum, an absolute conundrum, of accepting or fighting my (past and future) girlfriend's potential to cheat on me.There's a part of me that says - let her be, she's her own person, trust her. Then she does things I disagree with, and I feel like I'm basically accepting being cheated on, then I have to "lower my standard" and essentially slightly detach and behave like I don't care if she'll cheat on me or not, which inherently decreases from my love towards her.Then there's the second part, that is, setting up rules. Then it makes me doubt, is she actually in this for me? Am I showing a level of distrust in her that's so high that it's making the relationship inauthentic? I think somewhere between those thought provoking but extremely polarizing questions, is the answer.Personally, I told my ex to drop her guy friends and to not hang out with guys 1 on 1, and she did. & I did the same in regards to girls.Years later, I got two girl friends who were my best friends in University. And broke my own rule.She was there too, friends with them as well.Then I started thinking - maybe women can't be trusted as much as men? Due to how pursuant men are of women, and how easily a guy will say yes to a girl, and all she needs to do is choose.At the same time, I'm aware that at any point, any human regardless of gender can make mistakes. We can inherently assume distrust of ourselves and our own instincts, and present it as such, basically - if I'm in a situation where I can cheat, it's more likely to happen than if I'm not in that situation.We can mitigate the chances of this happening by not putting ourselves in those situations, for example - not going out partying while using substances. Not going out 1 on 1 with people of the opposite gender. I believe these safeguards help us to keep us away from temptation, thereby mitigating the risk of cheating happening1/2
>>338625902/2But...... With that being said. My ex disagreed with not trusting ourselves. I think a lot of people who value freedom will disagree too.Plus putting a blanket statement of "don't hang out with the opposite gender 1 on 1" is an incredibly hard thing to pull off, because people are constantly out there, socializing, being a person in the world.So I think, our answer lies even further in :) between the extremes that I just provided. I think that context - matters.Making rules for everything is incredibly difficult. I don't think I'd have the energy to do that or that I should do that in my next relationship because it's also so very draining on my mental health. And it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong to my girlfriend.So ultimately I'm starting to think right now, that every situation has to be judged as it comes. If my girl wants to go on a several days trip with a bunch of dudes who I know are party dudes and I know they'll all drink, I'll object. If she wants to go to board game evening and it just so happens to be guys and her, it will rub me the wrong way but I don't think I'll deny her.This topic makes me very anxious because I don't know how it will be when I eventually get a girlfriend.I really value loyalty, and there are so many factors that go into having a girlfriend that I don't know how to discern who will cheat and who won't, and how I should stop it and intervene or not, and what sort of rules and regulations I should put in place, if any at all.I think it's important to have friends and feel like you have options outside of just your relationship. That's one thing my 5 year long relationship that ended a year ago with her cheating on me taught me.I will never neglect being hot, again, I will never neglect being desirable again, I will never neglect having friends again, I will never neglect being a part of several hobby communities that keep me afloat and provide me with fun interesting times - again.2/3
>>33862648The only thing abusive and excessively possessive about him is demanding to track her. It only really gets problematic if he curtails the freedom she has, like not getting a job, not visiting family members and things like that, not if he recommends some things like it seems like he’s doing.You have fallen for social media memes.
>>338625903/3I think when you're happy like that, you're LESS AFRAID TO LOSE YOUR PARTNER. And I think this is healthy, because as you see from my several thousand words of reflection just now - I can go insane just from thinking about the sheer possibilities of eeeeeverythinggg that could happen to get cheated on in my relationship!!It's an endless pit and I can fall in it forever.This is most likely what your boyfriend is dealing with. And if you subscribe to Muslim beliefs for example - they never accepted that women can be free, they saw them as lesser beings to be leashed, and look what came of them now - a bunch of bitter women dressed like ghosts who are raising kids to be either house maidens it completely uninhibited impulsive manchildren.Yes they get sex, but no emotional fulfilment. It is as animalistic as it gets. And I think we are past that point in our modern civilizations. Look, I WANT to subscribe to the belief that my gf can be trusted, but I don't know if PEOPLE (ME INCLUDED) can be trusted. At the same time, what kind of life is it if I can't trust my person, my beautiful person with a head on their shoulder who MAKES CHOICES CONSTANTLY, what if I can't trust them? My life will be miserable. I want to tell you, that I will just trust my next gf and trust myself, and trust both of us as PEOPLE. That's what I WANT to tell you. With every fiber of my being.I don't know if that's reality though. But I also don't like imposing rules on the other. It is the job of a god to control another human - it's impossible. You control one human - yourself. That's a lot on your plate already. If you try to control another you'll face a lot of difficulties. 3/4
>>338625904/4So I guess, throughout all of this reflection I'm doing as I sit here procrastinating school work, I can tell you that the only thing that is consistent, regardless of everything I said here - it's that you should protect yourself by knowing that you have other options and that your ex isn't the only one. This makes you more resistant to your own bias to keep control over your partner, due to fears of losing them. If I'm a highly successful man or woman - yes I love my partner, they are an important part of my life, but I wouldn't lose it all if I lost them, because I still have a lot going on, plus I can always line up another woman shortly after. Is this a defense mechanism, maybe? Potentially. But it's also prioritizing yourself, and making sure that YOU'RE fine, regardless of what happens with your partner. And to that end of everything I just said - I think that your partner is afraid to lose you. He's so afraid, that he puts binds on you, because he thinks that's the only way he can keep something so fleeting as a woman's attention and love. And the reason that he thinks you're fleeting - is because for women getting a relationship is indeed so fucking easy, while for a man it can be a several years thing. So yeah. He's rightfully terrified. But does it make him the right man for you? No. I wouldn't say so. I think that you should go for a guy, who is already successful with the ladies, so that he doesn't feel so strongly about losing you. Does it mean that every guy who succeeds with ladies is a good guy? Fuck no. But you should go for a guy who's successful with the ladies who also has a secure attachment style. As in - he's not SUPER afraid to lose you. Like, he loves you. But he doesn't feel like he'll die and be alone forever if you two break up.4/5
>>338625905/5 (last one) Such a tough thing, relationships!!I just hope not to be your boyfriend in my next relationship. I want to be so fucking attractive that all the girls go for me. Then you enter a relationship from a calm mind space, KNOWING that you have options. Best of luck to you my dear anon!! <3
>>33862590He is trying to isolate you from friends and family, to make you totally reliant on him. Then, when he starts to abuse you, you will have nowhere to turn.Classic wife-beater pattern
This is pretty obvious. He's wants to isolate you so you rely on him. That's when the beating starts, physical or otherwise. I get that you want a second opinion though, unlike the rest of the thread. When you are alone, you think you are the problem. It's only natural for healthy people. Get the hell out while you still can.
>>33862590There are several possibilities.>>33862602Is one, but if this was the case he would have a calm discussion about it and the reasons why he feels these things are necessary, and allow you to have a chance to agree or disagree with him rather than forcing you to conform. This is a dynamic that could potentially be healthy, but not unless both parties agree and understand and go out of their way to make each other feel safe rather than obligated.>>33862638 >>33862648Are also options. He might not be doing it on purpose and has just gone too far down the blackpill pipeline and is way too insecure. He could still possibly be reasoned with, but you need to know your worth and don't let him bully you. As said the tracking your whereabouts is especially problematic.>>33863400Is same as above, but he IS doing it on purpose. This is common with narcissists. You will be able to tell if he has a habit of emotionally distancing himself until you give him what he wants and then he rewards you with abundant attention/affection/sex/favors/etc. If you suspect this, run immediately there is no saving him.And finally one that has not been mentioned:He could be projecting. This is very common for cheaters to do. They try to justify their behavior by assuming their partner is behaving the same way and try to control them to prevent it from happening. See how he reacts if you try to use/look at his phone. If he has a death grip and will not let you see it, or tends to leave it face down or brings it into the bathroom with him and never leaves it unattended those are all bad signs. I would also advise to leave this situation.Source: Non-incel man with many relationships who has been on both sides of all these dynamics. Good luck OP
>>33862590>wants to know my location>wants to control my friends group>doesnt wants me to have male friendsGirl run run. A man shouldnt tell you what to do especially this possessive. Its okay if he cares about you but controlling your every move is toxic and mean that he doesnt trust you. Find someone better
He would never have to do these stuff if you were mature.You want to live as a single woman while being in a relationship.
>>33862590Because he's cheating on you. Leave him before he gets violent tracking your phone is a red flag for him fucking around on you.
>>33862602Wrong he's cheating on her and you can fuck off lying for a controlling moid
>>33862590your problem is that since he's in 30s he knows women well
>>33862602Thats not a good thing. He will control OP and be like "BITCH THE CHICKEN IS COLD" when she didnt leave him
>>33862602I hate to agree but it's this. A guy who isn't at least this possessive is just looking to pump and dump. If he sees a future with you he'll try to steer you into it. If you don't want the wife life and want to swipe through apps being used by assholes for another decade before you age out of the dating market, go ahead.
>>33863512Are you hearing yourself? >you would never do this stuff if u were in relationship Since when OP cant have male friends because her crazy bf is some controlling freak? He isnt her parent to tell her what to do. Its his problem if he doesnt trust her around her own friends
>>33863595You all only care about the men's needs. What if OP doesnt want to have kids? Its a suprise but not every women want to become a mother
>>33862590He's insecure and has a hard time dealing with a younger woman who is out of his league on looks.But guys only do this if they are really into a girl.What do you want to do?
