>begin uni>have a friendgroup>not liked enough to be in their groupchat>I am well aware of their groupchat and whenever I'd ask about not being added there they just laugh>liked enough to be kept around, they often ask me to come with them somewhere, not being made fun of but I suspect that I'm being shittalked behind my back>one of them shows me a picture of one of his friend parking really shitty, he says "she's our friend but we don't really like her">makes me feel like I'm that kind of friend to them>recently there have been talks about a halloween party, suddenly it goes with something like "yeah we aren't so certain about that yet, we'll let you know">everyone is suddenly busy today>I am not invited>due to my suspicions of them not really liking me and having me around for some reason I begin to avoid them unless it's natural to be around them>I spend significantly less time>they notice I don't sit around with them as much and ask me to come over but I say that it's fineIdk why people are like this, if they try being a fake friend then what's the point. I'd rather be a loner at this point but it's too weird to break this whole thing up. At least I have connections through them and uni goes by easier. What do? Thoughts?
>>33880562Some people are just like that. Sucks but it is what it is. Harder than it looks obviously but find a new friend group. Make sure to find the new one BEFORE you cut off the old one so you’re not cut off completely from people in between.
>>33880608Yeah obviously I'd have to find a new group as a backup so I'm not a complete loner. Problem is that majority of people in uni are women so I can't really get along with those. I have a friend here and there in other groups but I don't think I should literally resign from this group just because of friends. At the very least I could make it clear I'm not THEIR friend but this one guy that seems to be the most normal. I don't trust him either but he's the best of the worst. It's really baffling why they act like this because the only thing that separates me from them is that I'm just not as talkative as they are and I've joined in on later. I'm not the only one that this happened to.
>>33880622>Problem is that majority of people in uni are women so I can't really get along with thosewhat
>>33880562If they are talking about someone to you behind their back then it is VERY LIKELY that they are talking shit behind your back. I would avoid them.
>>33883661Because if they have no problem talking shit about someone to you, then they would have no problem talking shit behind your back.
>>33880562>liked enough to be kept aroundLikely you were kept around to act as the butt of any jokes. They never valued you. Go make better friends :)
>>33880562This is why it's very important to set standards and remain conscious of the many degrees of more casual association that exist. By my standards these people you describe are not friends, they are acquiantances, associates, affiliates. You are networked with them but it's casual and most of the interaction is by positioning in a time and place - rather than actual connection. Their insular and exclusionary group chat behaviour is loud and clear marker that they do not consider you part of the gang. This isn't necessary "personal" as such but it is an indicator that when push comes to shove, they are not your people. You can still associate and affiliate with them, it's a bit bitchmade to not speak to people because they won't have you in their groupchat. But don't over-involve yourself in what the connection you have there is. The truth is that social games get complicated. Sometimes being excluded feels personal but it's actually just business. Maybe these individuals are closer than you realise. Maybe they prefer to gatekeep their lives together because it feels right and that's the crew. They don't necessarily want you in because it will change a dynamic that they like for their chat. It's another set of an eyes. It's another personality to contend with. It's an another invite to have to give out.With all that said though. These people sound like casuals. They ain't with the business of real friendship. It's a bunch college aged lightweights. These groups come and go. They rarely last beyond the time spent in the building together and become increasingly fleeting and distant connections because their bond was never that serious. There's not real brotherhood going on here, just fraternity. Bro-coded convenience.I'd suggest you keep it diplomatic with them and keep your name on good terms. Politics can get complicated in a small building. But don't act like they are your good friends, go find your own people. You have time on your hands.
>>33883719Nah not really, we are respectful towards each other and we have a common sense of humor, no one gets more pissy than the other when we tease each other, casual bro behavior. When I see someone test the waters then I show I am not up for this and quite intolerant of my disrespect and thus it does not happen to me.However I have no fucking clue what they talk about me behind my back, it's awkward.>>33883782Thanks a lot for this answer, this is what I needed to hear.It just makes me feel weird that one time I'm being let in on the talk about a party and then it goes with "yeah we'll see" and then it happens behind my back. I took it quite personally I admit. Another thing is that when I'd ask about why am I not in the groupchat then it's met with laugh. I don't know it's very awkward and I have a bad gut feeling everytime I'm around them. I really tried to have some meaningful friends made here but I guess they really are just acquaintances.
>>33883661>>33883689Yeah true that's why I became avoidant of them and only sitting when it would be socially acceptable lol. I don't see them as my friends anymore.
>>33883952I get it comrade. I had a group that I was rolling with for over a decade and they had me in the surface tier groupchat but excluded me from the inside-the-group-groupchat that the majority were in. I'd been designated some kind of hangaround status rather than validated member. Some shit happened over a holiday plan and I just left the chat without a fuss. It taught me a lot about standards for friendship. The initial hit was rough but honestly within a few weeks I'd stopped caring and what I found very telling was that a group with over 10 guys in it, several of home were playing the performance of "you are my brother" very convincingly in person - never even bothered to check in. Then I just started deleting them on social media. Still no messages. Something I learned is that most people are quite weak and indirect. I know that a few of them wouldn't have wanted this outcome. But they didn't want to upset the status quo. Group dynamics and identity within the group took precedent over real connections.Take what you've learned. Reappraise your scenario. Cultivate deeper and more real connections by avoiding groups. Use a solid connection with 1 person as a means to have a fleeting introduction to a wider network but don't try integrate too hard.Sad truth of groups is that they generally require an overcommitment and a lot of them function pretty childishly. Having a more nomadic association with tribes is in my opinion the meta. You get invited places, you know faces but you aren't tied down. You have deeper friendships because they were forged 1:1 and you come commended and with respect on name. People vibe with that. Don't force it - take your time, plant seeds and water them slowly. Let this network build over time. It took me around 3 years to reinvent my social circle gradually.
>>33884025>they had me in the surface tier groupchat but excluded me from the inside-the-group-groupchat that the majority were in. I'd been designated some kind of hangaround status rather than validated member. Yes this is exactly my situationI'd have no issue suddenly cutting them off if it weren't for the fact that we quite literally are acquaintances and quite reliant on each other due to the group work.And yes about the people being weak and indirect. One friend had shown me another groupchat where they took a picture of their friend parking really shit and he went with "she's our friend but we don't really like her" and it just made me connect all the pieces. Groups like these are nothing without each other, really really disgusting people. I just don't understand why keep someone in if you don't like them.>last paragraphso are you telling me to just go with the flow and don't overstep the line? pretend like everything is fine and maybe this will change?
>>33884047Don't bother understanding it in any deep way. You've evaluated the particulars, you've formed your judgement and sought counsel on the matter and it's been generally agreed they are just surface tier acquiantances. I never said it would change. Really what I'm advocating for is you that you position yourself with strength. Rather than "need" these people to be your "friends" - you adopt a more business like stance. You are required to affiliate with these individuals for the purpose of your study. These are not your friends, you are not involved and these people don't mean anything of consequence to you in regard to friendship. Your standards preclude them from consideration for that. You aren't looking to be a drama queen about it. It's just business and you are getting on with making the moves required to carry on doing business. That's it. Everything else is off the table now, it's not considered part of the requisites for sucessful outcome. Be civil, be chill but don't be "needing" jack shit from them. You don't care if they like you enough to invite you. You don't want or need that because that's in line with you or what you've got going on.Swallow the hurt, don't make a scene, move quietly and under the radar. It's not about being fake, it's just about being indifferent. You don't fucking care, it's just business and you are an adult handling it. Make your friends elsewhere. That table is strictly for getting what you need from the scenario and then moving on quietly. Anything else would be undignified and beneath you.
>>33880562Freshman?This gives off high school energy. Cut them from your life and look for others that will value you---college years are prime time to have sex and meet new people.
>>33884144I've been trying to understand it deeper because I already proceed as you've described in this post. Thanks a lot, you know what you're talking about.>>33884169Yeah freshman, sex isn't my top priority since I prefer to have a meaningful relationship over some temporary whore. I've had girls hit on me already. It's kind of difficult to get rid of them since there aren't a all that many guys in the field and I'd have to change sub-group that would affect the people I participate with, lecturers, time etc.
>>33884259>I've had girls hit on me already. It's kind of difficult to get rid of themHasn't anything to do with your main topic, but take those girls up on the offer here and there. You'll badly regret letting that go by. At least that is my experience as an old guy now. The fact that girls hit on you frequently will stop eventually. And then you'll be making threads on how to date with Norwood.
>>33885365I know I've formatted it shitty, meant to have it as two separate topics, as in it's hard to get rid of "friends" that are literally tied to my subgroup etc.
