>30yo, grew up sheltered and socially anxious, studied something for 10 years to please others, didn't like it and became neet>now it feels life's biting my ass with age, the pressure to be independent, the time cost of learning, the psychological baggage of previous high stress high pressure environment and a life of perfectionism and self sacrifice.I understand "I'm in the middle of it", I'm becoming, I can't compare to others, therapist says It's possible to "Pavlov" all my thoughts into being purposeful and happy.The problem is I feel like I fried my brain self-censoring things I liked to fit in with people that didn't welcome me, self-censored opinions to not get bullied or ostracized, grew accustomed to watch for the worst case scenario to prepare for it. Now it feels like an ordinary life of little surprises and buying things is not enough for me. I crave to>Feel superior to others>Be part of a grand thing like saving a forest, a species or other environmental things>Leave a purposeful legacy like a book, manga or whatever that inspires peopleI'm half-assedly drawn to drawing and playing music. I have set as dream to make a videogame or at least get the role of laying out the story and art. I'm aware these are unrealistic, for the sole reason that I'm starting late without support and the goal is so niche I won't find help easily. Thinking all day of these badly defined goals and obstacles destroys any focus to work on it.I have concluded, that maybe I simply won't find things happy-go-lucky as anybody anymore. All I have as motivating forces are the things I said I crave. If I gave up on them, I would be completely anhedonic as in clinical depression. The question is, What other ways could I satisfy those cravings? Or more realistically, how to make living bearable after getting rid of them?
>>33960285I see a lot of myself in your post. I do sympathize with you. I also studied something I hated for the longest of times because I wanted to please others, but in the end I couldn't even finish it, despite almost doing so. I also became a neet, and I also have goals similar to yours.I think at the end of the day the lesson is to not live your life trying to please others. Do what you feel you can do well and that you want to do, and the rest will follow.It's hard to believe, and it gets repeated a lot, but it's never too late for anything, if you really put your mind to it. I understand it is intimidating to jump into some new area when you feel like you're too late for it, but I guess the only way to know is trying, and doing an honest attempt.I sincerely do wish you the best, man. Don't give up on yourself.
