>two years ago, am invited to an online lady friends wedding. we were close when i was a teenager but drifted apart as time went on. she left our group and found a husband. i have always enjoyed talking with her and hanging out with her playing games and watching films.>in the flesh she is a stunner. she knocks me off my feet as i see her walk down the aisle. i get to know her husband and find that he has the markings of instability and insecurity, which fits with what my online friend told me leading up to the wedding. my other online friends there with me all agree that their marriage is not likely to last long term. i agree. but i shove my feelings down because it's inappropriate to speculate in such a manner, and who knows, we could be wrong. but i leave that weekend of watching her marry this man knowing for sure that i am attracted to her in a way i didn't expect.>fast forward to this year. me and another online friend meet up with her again for an event. yet again i find that my heart jumps immediately. she is extremely happy to see us, all smiles, full enthusiasm. she tells us of how her relationship has gone, more or less as expected. the husband has beat her on occasion. he has lapsed into alcoholism. she does not love him. her lack of desire for her husband has her wondering if she's asexual. it's at this point that i confess my desire for her, saying that i know it's out of pocket, it's inappropriate for me to chase after a married woman, but i want her and i can't deny that i do. she dons a great big smile. she says "i find myself interested when other people express interest in me." this is a red flag, but i disregard. i ask if she is attracted to me, she says she could be. during the remainder of the weekend we fool around. first base. handholding. constant flirtation. by the end she seems thoroughly smitten with me, squeezing my thigh repeatedly during dinner. a great experience. the other friend i'm with feels annoyed, but gets over it.1/?
>in the aftermath of the meetup i am talking with her constantly, trying to sniff out if she is maybe interested in partnering with me/living with me. she is saying that she shouldn'tve engaged with me in that way. it was wrong. despite against her morals. in the moment she was weak, it was about the context leading up to the visit, where the insecure husband is berating her constantly about hanging out with *two men* when she's married, and this repeated badgering had her in such a mood where she was vulnerable to that kind of move. it turns out his paranoia was reasonable, as i am certainly the type of man to disrespect other people's relationships. i don't care. i will bulldoze through the other party. >anyway i badger her over instant messaging about where her feelings are for me. do they exist? are they strong? it's here that she reveals a series of complications. one, she doesn't know how to feel love. two, she's been in a relationship ever since she was an adolescent... always jumping from guy to guy, never being with a guy for long. and three. she never had sex until her current husband. she has never been an overtly sexual being, as far as she can remember she's never desired sex. she's not *good* at romance. but she repeatedly says that she *wants* to fall in love, wants to have an enjoyable romantic life, but she is not sure she is capable of this, or perhaps she doesn't know how to *be* in order to feel this way. before her marriage she had a shitload of trepidation, a shitload of "i don't think this is going to be so good", but she went along with it anyway... because she has a history of not having strong feelings herself romantically, but being in relationships with people who do have strong feelings, with people who make the decisions for her. she talks about physical intimacy with prior boyfriends feeling forced. like she would rather not do so, but feels she must because she doesn't want to lose the relationship. she is not a very physical person.
>>34005737>be op>want to write a 4chan story>do the green > arrow>write a fucking book>only use > per 300 words>mfw
>throughout the months between now and then i continue to hang out with her and talk about my feelings for her, ask her if she feels the same way or thinks she *could* feel the same way. she says on occasion that she thinks things would be different if we lived physically close together. this hatches an obvious idea in my mind: what if i moved towards where she lives? regardless, no matter how many times >yesterday, i receive a notice from my current apartment: if i sign a lease soon, i get 12 months with no rent increase. this is a good deal. but it also makes me think: do i really want to be here for another 12 months? what do i really want? i want her. i want to live with her.>so i arrange a call with her. we talk during her lunch hour. she confesses to me that her life in her current city is quite fine - she likes her job, she likes her friend group, she likes her hobby activities. what she doesn't love is coming home to a man who is aggressive and hateful of her. in the back of my mind, i think this of course makes sense; the man married a woman incapable of love, seemingly. i provide my offer: what if you could keep everything you like, but instead you live with me? and i wouldn't pressure you unduly for physical intimacy. it would be on your terms. is that desirable?>she considers this for a moment. she says it's utterly insane and dangerous for both her and me to go through with this, as her husband is manic and has a gun and has threatened suicide for himself or murder on her before. she also thinks it's retarded to move from one place to another to chase another person's affection. but. there is a small part of her that likes the idea. she wants to divorce him. she is ready to move on, if only the opportunity to do so existed. yet she thinks to even consider this at this moment is tantamount to cheating. any engagement with me on this topic is cheating. that's true! but clearly i don't care. and she doesn't either.
>>34005737>>34005865>>34005893She doesn't "need" you, she needs therapy I'm sure if she leaves her husband and gets in a relationship with you, the first few months will be great, but soon after the obvious cracks will showShe's extremely mentally ill and you are just an obsessive narcissistic dickhead Your arguments will be awful and I can see both of you blowing up over the smallest things
>so i am seriously considering moving away from my current location to a city where my desired one lives, knowing full well that a) she has never really experienced love and doesn't really care if she ever does, b) has never been in a relationship for very long, and c) is not a physically sexual being. she also does not want children. i actually care about all of the above things i just listed, but i am rabidly horny for a woman who is unavailable in all of the ways that matter for long term. i personally have a drive to overturn all these rules. i think i could be the one to bulldoze through, as i bulldoze through others relationships. i could unlock the lost intimacy bone within her is my thought. but i also know this is really unlikely and foolhardy and i admitted to her and i do not expect anything we have, whether it happens or not, to last for long. but i want it nonetheless.>>34005884sorry. i am known to be verbose. i apologize.>>34005898i agree that she needs therapy. she goes to both individual and couples therapy right now. i ask her how individual therapy is going, if it's helped her in any way, and she says it's fine without giving details. couples therapy is a mess. the husband explodes often and much of the duration of the session is getting him to cool off. the husband refuses to get an individual therapist because he believes he's above that, he doesn't need it. ridiculous.she agrees she's mentally ill. i also acknowledge i'm mentally ill. i got a therapist myself shortly after my tryst with her earlier in the year because i knew i would need it. i have relayed much of my thought process to the therapist and he is somewhat wishy washy on his stance for my situation, but i haven't been to see him this week yet. this last week has been titanic in terms of significance. i will share with him my deliberation and i will take his advice very seriously.you say narcissistic. can you explain more about that? what does that term mean to you?
>>34005916>sorry. i am known to be verbose. i apologize.there's a difference between verbose and word diarrhea
>>34005928at the same time i've been suffering this doomed obsession i've written a diary that is currently this long. not every word is about her or i, but most are.
>>34005916>you say narcissistic. can you explain more about that? what does that term mean to you?I don't mean clinical narcissism, I mean narcissism in the sense of your selfish self importance in your actions Yeah her husband needs to go, but you just brazenly disrespecting their relationship, ignoring boundaries, lack of care for specific words given, gives an impression that you only care about yourselfMaybe you're just over correcting for losing an earlier chance with her, but seeing as how you said>as i bulldoze through others relationshipsYou kind of don't care about anyone else or their bonds
>>34005934i'm not correcting for a lost chance with her, i had no idea i would ever want her before the same day that she became unavailable. part of the attraction might even be related to the unavailability cuz i freely admit i have had problems going after unavailable people (it never panned out) in the past. it's a specialty. my therapist seemingly has a lot of other clients who are older people in relationships having constant problems so he may have a more libertine stance on this than the average therapist.i admit that my desire here is selfish, yeah. i want her for myself. i want her in my life more. she is just a voice and a text log now, and that's not enough now that i know my feelings for her. what would caring about someone other myself (her, in this case) look like? i have told her that whether or not it's with me, she needs to get out of that house clearly, and she agrees, but she cannot bring herself to do it. despite how unhappy she is at home she can't bring herself to separate, it's too difficult, it's too much of a dragon to poke. he's too dangerous, maybe. she tells me she dreams of living alone in a studio apartment with her dog. she still has friends in these dreams, but her dream apartment spares no room for a partner. i ask her if she wants a partner, if she wants to find love, she answers emphatically yes, but she just doesn't know if it will ever happen. she's a femcel. femcels are incapable of love. i'm an incel. we're kind of made for each other.
>>34005931Jesus Christ dude get a grip on reality, fucking stop that shit rn, that's going to be article el numero uno in the court case in a couple years that's psychotic lmfao
>>34005960i've done this with other people i wanted in the past. wrote book length diaries. i send the diary to them as a way to destroy the relationship if that's what i want to do, if i can't bear the unfulfillable desire anymore.this time, it's 100% fulfillable. that's clearly true to me. fulfillable for long? probably not. i'm desperate for something doomed is how i see it. much of the diary is about how clearly doomed it is, outlining rationale of why it's doomed, attempting to logically prove to myself i should stop, but my heart doesn't care. infatuation overrules reason.
Jesus Christ at least capitalise your sentences if you're gonna write a fucking book series m9Tldr but I'll read it later out of curiosity cuz you're clearly beyond infatuated with some extremely stupid shit and I wanna see just how fucking stupid this gonna get
>>34006052idk i think i said everything. agree that proper punctuation and capitalization is important for longer form works. i just didn't know how much i would type here... i shoulda guessed it would be a lot cuz i know myself. i don't even think this is that much writing though.i'll figure it out. i'm leaning on not going through with it. probably not.
>>34006059Ok I read it, was different to what I expected, thought it'd just be typical unrequited love or break up or some shit.Obvi this chick is kinda shit tier goods, like just divorce already? She possesses zero spine whatsover, easy used goods. Should actually be fairly easy to get with her. Doesn't sound as one-sided impossible infatuation as I expected
>>34006487i was just texting with her. when i tell her that she should probably get away from the husband as soon as possible regardless, she responds to me "a bit extreme. i haven't figured out my best move but i'm not dying currently." i say "fair, probably an overstatement. but what's clear is your home is not a comfortable place for you, it's a place that is somewhat dread-inducing, and it shouldn't be those things." she agrees with this. the conversation continues in such a way that she's definitely considering my offer. thinking about it.
>>34005737You remind me of me with the amount you type and reflect and how honest you are, people on 4chan can't take it hahaTo address the actual write up, I'm going to approach this at the highest of levels because, understandably, I've got a 2k character limit here.To break this down to the simplest elements - you're admittedly extremely desperate for this woman and smitten with her to the point where you're willing to make a grand mistake and pursue this thread of your life for the next however many months it takes until you learn valuable lessons. You know there's no long term happiness to be gained by chasing her and being with her, yet you are willing to do all of this just to be with her. You have the highest level of desperation at the moment because you're actually going to turn your life upside down for a chance at having her for a bit. I can't stop you, no one can, so I'll share a small experience - I did the same and decided to chase a girl to the very end with the determination of a god that I have, results were that I lost 2.5 months of my life, feels like I aged a whole year and suffered so much heartache and stress during that time, got to get my face sat on and ate the best pussy and asshole of my life for that time and I still masturbate to all the memories. I also lost my self dignity completely, until I broke up with her when I found out she's cheating on me online the entire time.You stand to lose - time. Mental well being.You stand to gain - some of the best nuts you've ever nutted in your life.Had I known what I know now, I would have chosen to prioritize myself and choose me. Through that, a sustainable and real girl will come, and that will feel so much better than the highs and lows I had with this chick.
>>34006923thanks for your earnest response anon. every opinion is valuable.
>>34005916She's either is/is dealing with:Schizoid or schizoid-like traits (detached from the entire domain of intimate feelings)Possible asexuality + aromantic leanings (or at least a lifelong very low drive in both areas)Long-term alexithymia specifically around romantic/sexual emotionsOr she has been so traumatized (or wired so differently) that those circuits never came online in the first placeYeah, OP, ruin your life for her. Or man up and get over it, you're not the first guy in the world to have to get over painful romantic longing
>>34006923> You remind me of me with the amount you type and reflect and how honest you areFucking lmao>you remind me of me, you handsome devil - anon to the mirror
>>34005737Its completely insane to move to another city for a girl that doesnt seem to even like youYou are one mental mf
>>34008117i agree that she's likely asexual + aromantic. a question for you is: do you think those traits can change, or no? are they inborn?
