For the past four years, I have been engaging in an on and off relationship with this girl i met at my first job. we'll call her jess. I'm 22 now, I was 17 when we met. we're the same age. from the beginning it was weird, her senpai is super hispanic and never allowed me in the house (this was during covid) and also never let her out of the house unsupervised and would go though her phone, etc. from the beginning, she never wanted to make anything official, her reasoning being she did not know what she wanted yet. quiet, strange and did not really know how to act around my white household, especially my parents.very early on (maybe a few months into meeting) jess and her sister was over at my place one day when she got a sliver in her foot. she was screaming, crying, and hitting the chair like she was giving birth. her sister tried to get it out as i grabbed tweezers and alcohol, but more so i just stood there watching her reaction. my mom ended up kicking us out for the day. jess went home and told her mother about what had happened and how the situation was handled. she sent my mother a text, (they have met once and literally never talked since) basically explaining that she was disappointed in how the situation was handled, and how she would have handled it better, had it been her house. this really hurt my mother, and she didn't forbid me from seeing her again, just banned her from the house and would openly talk shit about her and her culture.from that point on, it has been a cycle of jess getting bored and chasing another guy, while i hookup and lead on women from my uni friend group, jess will call or text me out of the blue, we will reconnect, but never go official, all that gay shit.
two years ago, she went down to visit her family alone in south america for two weeks. i knew she was romantically involved with a guy down there over ldr, but i am totally cucked and just kind of look past it. she returns, and blocks me on everything, explaining that we cannot be friends anymore. i doxxed her on a discord with the intent to have her harassed. her mom called me, threatening police action and i just kind of denied involvement. for almost a year i felt actual real guilt about what i had done, and became a shut in, failing classes, not going out with friends, etc. eventually i got over it a bit and allowed myself to come outside and clean up my room. jess reached out four months ago, and we were engaging in a strangely committed, respectful and communicative relationship, though entirely in secret from my family, and hers. last week her mom found out, threatened police action again, diagnosed me as a psychopath and said i should check myself in before i murder someone. since then, jess has not blocked me but has ben ignoring all my calls and messages. i called maybe 10 times sporadically yesterday, and she just said she does not trust me and that she is scared that i will dox her again and to leave her alone.
is there any hope for my cucked ass? should i just bite the bullet and hang myself? or am i just a faggot who has no spine and needs to be beat
