Wasn't sure if this should go on here or on /lit/. /lit/ seems to be for discussing pre-existing rather than making your own. Either way try to go easy on me but also be honest. I never even finished high school because I'm that retarded. Be honest as in "you could do this this and this better" and not "you're fucking worthless and should never write anything ever again.The story I'm trying to write is sort of a sitcom cartoon sort of thing. Taking inspiration from various sources like South Park, Eddsworld, Don't Hug Me I'm Scared, The Boondocks, etc. It's about three guys Richard, Julio, and Jarius who are roommates out of necessity but don't really like each other. As for the character themselves:Richard is a fat asshole. He usually instigates the plot of every episode. He's pretty much the worst a person can be without being actually evil. He's gross, greedy, always wants to force others to think like him, discriminates every group of people besides his own, etc. He does have certain limits though. When he realizes he has gone too far even for his standards he tries to make up for it, though he goes back to being an asshole after. Julio is sort of the innocent dumb one of the group. Richard forcefully drags him to weird situations. Julio thinks of Richard as a friend but Richard is just manipulating him and doesn't give a shit about him. My plan is to eventually though have Julio stand up to Richard to make Richard feel helpless when he can't control Julio anymore. Jarius is the most intelligent and the moral center of the show. He hates Richard but lives with him because money is tough. He follows Richard around just to keep an eye on him and try to stop him from causing chaos. Jarius and Richard fight regularly both physically and verbally, Richard usually losing the physical fights because he's an out of shape fat fuck. Jarius is jaded and cynical but tries to do the right thing when he can.
>>34020019If you're wondering why Jarius never helps out Julio it's because Jarius hates how naive Julio is and every time Jarius tried to talk Julio out of it he was still convinced Richard was his best friend. The intention is for all three to be main characters of equal importance but because of how I wrote Julio as being Richard's subservient he's inevitably slightly less important than the other two. Richard is supposed to be a villain protagonist and Jarius the one that the audience relates to and roots for.Now that I wrote it out I can see my story sounds pretty generic and like nothing new, in fact a bit too similar to the sources I was inspired from. I guess a simple story example could be when Richard overhears a man talking about how strawberry ice cream is his favorite, Richard gets mad because he thinks chocolate ice cream is his favorite and that no one is allowed to think anything other than chocolate ice cream is their favorite. Richard contacts the government and convinces them to discontinue all ice cream flavors except for chocolate or else he'll start a riot where they all throw chocolate ice cream on everyone's houses, cars, and anyone passing by on the street and force them to eat it. Julio doesn't like the idea but goes along anyway because Richard threatens to push chocolate ice cream down his throat till he vomits. Jarius hears this idea and thinks it's ridiculous and sarcastically suggests: "What's next? You want everyone to be as fat as you?" And then Richard gets the idea to deport anyone who doesn't weigh at least 300 pounds. Jarius sees this is getting out of hand and gets a group of people to get the food Richard hates the most, sauerkraut, because it's healthy and Richard has never eaten anything healthy in his life, and keep shoving endless sauerkraut down Richard's throat till Richard surrenders
>>34020033and tells the government to bring back all the other ice cream flavors and bring back the people under 300 pounds that Richard got deported. Richard cries and screams and throws a tantrum like a little baby. The end.
if this is a story you wrote for fun then it's not too bad. but if you want to become a professional writer you've got a very very long way to go
>>34020019Not the worst thing I've ever read. Not even close. But you're not cut out to be a writer at all.
I think your story took a bit too much inspiration from South Park like you yourself said. Richard is Cartman, Julio is Butters, and Jarius is a mix of Kyle and Stan.
>>34020019I don't agree with the other commenters. OP has potential, but needs work. An example of a successful cartoon sitcom that is no worse than his idea is Amazing Digital Circus.
>>34020033 You are readable or I would not have read.
>>34020019On paper the characters don't seem all that original but the ice cream story does sound pretty funny I'll give you that. I'd love to read the whole story instead of just the summary if you do have that available. It's a simple story but I don't think I can recall any piece of media doing that or at least not exactly like that.
>>34020033This sounds an idea that might have been rejected for the first season of "South Park". Richard is a copy of Eric Cartman.My first thought, actually, was "Do we really need yet more fat-shaming in the world?" My second was: "Where's the logic to this?" One guy in a flat-share somewhere has the ability to control the national government - how does that work? Richard can't handle anyone eating any flavour of ice cream other than the ones he likes - why not? Why's he so insecure about that? Okay, it's fiction, and it's a cartoon, and cartoons don't have to obey real-world rules, that's kind of the point of them. But even in a cartoon, when you break real-world rules, it has to be done in a way that is deliberate and calculated. Are you trying to make some kind of satirical point about how easily influenced governments are? Or is it just the sheer absurdity of the situation that you're after? The problem with the latter is that if you just have totally random, unrealistic shit happening all over the place all the time, then the fact that something isn't realistic no longer means anything any more. If *everything* is completely unmoored from the real world, then you no longer have a humorous contrast been reality and unreality, and it immediately stops being funny. Cartman is funny partly because Stan and Kyle are rather more connected to reality than he is, and constantly exasperated by his antics. And even a cartoon world has to have rules: there have to be things that can't happen, otherwise nothing that does happen has any meaning. I don't get the feeling you've thought about that very much.
I like Richard and Jarius but I'm not sure how I feel about Julio. It kind of sounds like he'd just sort of be a passive character who's just kind of there not doing much just sort of letting Richard control him. I do like the part about him standing up to Richard though. I always enjoy stories of where a character who's a coward finally standing up to his enemies.
>>34020019This sounds like a solid rough draft but if you're really serious about this story you can't stop there.>>34020268I was going to give you ideas but this anon literally said everything I had to say before I even said it. Listen to him!
>>34020019>>34020177>>34020268like two other people said and you yourself insinuated your story is too similar to south park. it's never too good to take too much inspiration from just a single source. it's also a pretty easy way to get sued
>>34020019Your ideas aren't bad but they really need to be fleshed out more. Like how is Richard able to control the government so easily? If Jarius really hates Richard that much is there really absolutely nowhere else he could live? How old is Julio and how is he so easily manipulated by Richard?
>>34020314>this anon literally said everything I had to say before I even said it.Thank you, I think. :)
>>34020019Your writing is alright but don't quit your day job
>>34020019> I never even finished high school because I'm that retarded. Before I even read anything else that's the main problem. To become a truly good writer you need to go to school and make that your major in college. Without a proper education you'll only get so far. Your general ideas do sound interesting but you won't get far if you don't work to improve.
Sounds boring as fuck may as well turn it into a threesome
>>34020019It doesn't sound straight up bad, just unoriginal.
>>34020019Kind of ironic that you picked DHMIS as one of your inspirations because here's a perfectly relevant and on-topic meme from it in reponse to your writing.
>>34021194>>34022561i like how both of you said the exact same thing just in a somewhat different way
>>34020019Telling us what you plan to write is of no use at all. Actually write the damn thing. Then put it away for a month or two and have a life. Then get it out and read it, and YOU will be able to tell if it's any good
>>34022561Very nice dude! I don't mean to be mean to OP but here is another relevant meme from another one of the shows he took inspiration from.
>>34022561>>34023569damn y'all are absolutely cooking op. using his own inspiration sources against him
>>34023608That's his own fault for not thinking things through though. Ironically the story he's writing is the exact type of story his inspiration shows would make fun of.
>>34020019You have to post your actual writing, not just a plot summary/premise, in order for people to be able to judge. There’s nothing wrong with being inspired by one source or another, it’s how you synergize all your influences.
>>34020019I guess it all depends on what your intentions are. Are you writing this casually just for fun or are you writing it formally professionally? If it's the former then just kind of go nuts but if it's the latter you've got a long way to go. This seems like it could be a pretty solid webcomic or something like that on your own personal website but I could never see it as something formally published by a big company on paper and shit. It sounds solid for a webcomic but for something more serious this story just ain't it. The characters and the story seem pretty cliche and not entertaining for the long run. I could definitely see me reading one or two stories and possibly enjoying it but if you plan to make it a long running series it sounds like it'd get old really fast.
I mean I'd personally read it but I don't think it sounds particularly impressive either
>>34020019>Wasn't sure if this should go on here or on /lit/Never come to /lit/, thanks in advance. >"you're fucking worthless and should never write anything ever again."This is great advice.>The story I'm trying to write is sort of a sitcom cartoon sort of thing.Kill yourself.
>>34029211nta but i loled at your first sentence compared to your second and third sentence>Never come to /lit/, thanks in advance.at first i thought you said don't go to /lit/ because /lit/ is a shitshow and /adv/ is way better. or at least that's what i thought you were insinuating>This is great advice.>Kill yourself.but then i saw that you meant basically the exact opposite of that. don't go to /lit/ because /lit/ is a civil place and doesn't want to deal with any of his retarded fucking bullshiti do agree with you by the way
>>34029211>Kill yourself.Wow. A real mature thing to say and not something a middle schooler would say at all.I do agree though. He really does suck at writing. Even if it was something for like Wattpad or DeviantArt it's still really bad. Wattpad and DeviantArt are already full of garbage anyway they don't need any more.
The long and short of is that the value of a story is not really the plot, but how it's told. You could have a really compelling story about to people eating breakfast, and a snoozefest involving generational intergalactic conflict and the fate of the human race.As a beginner, the important thing isn't what you are writing, but simply that you are writing. The goal in the beginning is to find your voice and to learn how to write in a compelling way. You are probably going to throw away several novels before you get to something others want to read. Or at least multiple rewrites.
>>34020019There's definitely potential but as they currently are your characters sound a little too basic and surface level. They definitely need more depth.
>>34020019Hey if shit like Sausage Party and Fanboy & Chum Chum got greenlit at some point I honestly don't see why this story couldn't work. Even if it's not the best thing ever it certainly can't be worse than those abominations. At the very least it sounds like the rivalries between the characters could be a good thing.
>>34035956I mean I don't disagree but do you REALLY want your work to be compared to Sausage Party or Fanboy & Chum Chum? Like is the bar you're setting for yourself really THAT low?
>>34036096unpopular opinion i know but sausage party and fanboy & chum chum are not that bad. they're really stupid i agree 100% but they're funny exactly because they're stupid. they are stupid and bad and they're aware of it. they're not supposed to be taken serious
I'm down for it. We need more edgy cartoons these days anyway.
>>34020019I see a lot of South Park comparisons in this thread. True. Not necessarily a bad thing though. It could be a way to recreate the magic from early South Park since modern South Park doesn't really feel like South Park anymore.
