Should I pursue a relationship with a woman with an intellectual disability that I’ve been an unofficial guardian of?Me and her have been friends for years and recently we’ve gotten closer because she’s needed someone to take care of things she can’t do (mostly financial stuff) and I’ve gradually became the person she relies on the most. We’ve also become closer in a different way, we have these moments where it really feels like I’m her boyfriend or something. She likes to be physically close to me a lot, like asking me to pet her hair with my hands or even wanting to rest her head on my lap or chest while we watch her favorite Disney movies which at first I wasn’t comfortable with but eventually we developed a connection I wasn’t planning on having but it’s ended up where I really care about her in a way that’s more intimate than friendship and I think she might feel the same way but I’m not entirely sure since because of her disability she acts differently than other people so it can be difficult at times to understand what she’s feeling when she does this. She doesn’t behave this way with anyone else. I’d like to in a healthy and caring way explore this aspect of our relationship but I’m not sure how and I worry that if I go about it the wrong way I might be taking advantage of her which I really don’t want to do because respecting her agency has always been really important to me. But I know she’s capable of communicating her thoughts and feelings especially with me considering how close we are.
>>34049508>Should I pursue a relationship with a woman with an intellectual disabilityI mean, you're making threads with AI slop images. You're basically the same level intellectually as here.
>>34049508It depends on how severe the disability is. If she's unironically watching Disney movies and she has favorites as a grown ass woman I'm inclined to believe that it'd be wholly unethical as she's not mentally mature enough to have a relationship with an adult man. It'd be no different from dating a kid.
>>34049508Two taboos here - her mental limits and your quasi-parental role.
>>34049508need more info. what kind of disability? do you live together? does she have family? could she afford to say no?
>>34049508I wouldn't recommend it solely based on the fact that it will never be a relationship in which both people can feel "equal". If you will be harboring resentment over her, feeling like you are "pulling her up" all the time instead of pulling each other, that is the recipe for an unfulfilling relationship.
>>34049881She’s not exactly infantile, she’s just innocently not aware of a lot of adult things.>>34051168It does sometimes feel that way but I don’t really see her as a child to be taken care of. She’s just a person who needs help, other than that she’s mostly normal to me.>>34051238When she was 9 years old she suffered brain damage from drowning at a swimming pool and has been disabled since. She could just pay for a caregiver if she needed, I don’t provide for her in the sense that I don’t pay her bills with my income. When she asks me for guidance on how to complete financial tasks I aid her on how to do so without any other input. I also clean around her house and stuff like that.>>34051283I don’t expect to ever feel that way. I enjoy helping her, it’s actually something I look forward to.Btw I should have typed caretaker or caregiver instead of guardian. I’ve been acting as an unofficial caregiver for her on my own time for almost a year now. I have never acted like a guardian in any way.
>>34051516You enjoy the feeling of being the superior in the relationship. You are happy with this balance of power now, when you're just in a temporary semi-relationship and there are no consequences to you personally. What about after getting married, when want to build a future together? Is she on the same page - and ability - to put in her side of the work (whatever you consider "her side" to be sufficient for you to be fullfilled) for the relationship? And what if she doesn't? You can't change people. One thing I've learned is that if it comes to temporary relationships, who cares about the details. But if you want to build a whole life together with someone, the best chances are by doing it with a person you feel you are on the same step in the cycle of life with.
>>34051516>She’s not exactly infantile, she’s just innocently not aware of a lot of adult things.Which is the same thing? You're not suggesting that you're going to be the one to teach her, right? That's precisely the problem.
>>34051827That’s a very cynical take. I know disabled people are taken advantage of by their caregivers sometimes but I know my own motivations and just because I adjusted well to being her caregiver doesn’t mean I take some twisted enjoyment out of a power imbalance especially considering that this all happened naturally and as her long time friend I’ve always valued her own agency as a person. That will never change. Besides I’m flying by on easy mode in pretty much every aspect of my life which is a sweet break after all I went through early on in my adult life. I don’t need her to support me it’s me who supports her and I like it that way. It used to be that I’d dread having to clean up a mess she made for something like spilling tea but now I take pride in it; in being the person she relies on in daily life because I care about her.>>34051995I know she’s not infantile because I know her very well and what I meant by her not knowing adult things just referred to stuff like how banks work or what to do when a police officer pulls you over on the road. When she needs to help for adult things on that level I’m there for her. That’s what I meant.
>>34053232I don't know if dodging the question is really the look that you were going for, but you're obviously not impartial in this. Ask some friends or acquaintances that know her if that'd be weird. If you can't do that much then it definitely is.
How you look at her is not the only factor here. If SHE sees YOU as a quasi-parental figure, you are taking advantage of an attraction that is not yours to exploit.In some ways it's like a boss-employee or teacher-student relationship. Even if the stronger figure has totally pure intentions, the power gap inevitably influences her in ways it is unfair for him to exploit
>>34049508I have some questions.1: how old are you? How old is she?2: how do you know eachother?3: why did you take on this role?4: why do you want a relationship with her, what do you want that you are not having already?
>>34053330>>34055611She only barely sometimes thinks of me as a sort of quasi-parental figure which isn’t very different than a lot of relationships.>>34055616I’m 28 and she’s 25. We’ve shared a friend group since high school. Overtime we got to know each other better and over the course of last year I slowly became the person she wants when she needs someone with a 100 IQ to do something for her but I also help her with chores around her house now and drive her places although she can drive a car herself. A lot of the time it already feels like we’re in a relationship since I’m the only person who treats me the way she does. She can get upset if I don’t spend enough time with her and she seems pretty attached to me which I don’t mind. I just want her to know that there’s still someone who loves her more than just as a friend since her parents died a bit before she turned 18 and that was really hard on her. I think she’s still recovering. Well actually if I’m being more honest I just want her to know that I love her. That’s really all there is to it, I don’t think it would change that much actually.
