>>34062088
yeah it's beyond over for you. You're mindbroken and it will never improve. Cheaters usually just get worse over time. Also possible you suffer from a personality disorder.

>>34062088
>Where is this coming from?
One part fear: You are afraid of history repeating, being abandoned just like how your father abandoned you.

One part addiction: You are addicted to the act of cheating because it’s a false sense of control. You try to control the fear by imposing control over it yourself. You self-sabotage because you don’t want fear to do that for you.

One part learned behaviour: You normalised the pattern of pumping and dumping and leaving or being left by others. This was made normal because it is what you had to witness from your own mother. Men came to visit her then fucked off 1,000 times. You expect the same of yourself.

Now combine all three phenomena and have them play in the background of your soul and that’s your life.

If you wish to break the cycle you only need to witness it from a detached emotional bird’s eye view. Recognise your own patterns, both your internal thoughts and feelings & your external behaviours and actions. Then when you notice a cycle is about to repeat, simply elect to do the opposite.

This will be hard and will feel like psychological suicide. There will be pain and fear and dread. But if you push through it an attempt and a step at a time, you can evolve into something new, something peaceful.

Good luck and god bless you OP.

>>34062088
Can you get into therapy? There are therapists who deal primarily with infidelity who could probably help you pretty significantly as they'll come to it from a more detached and clinical lense.
I will also say this: yes, it's shitty you cheat. It hurts people deeply on a level you can't imagine. I've been cheated on before, and it's taken years to get my head right. Being introspective, acknowledging it's a problem, and being willing to put in the work to change it are all good steps you're taking. I'm rooting for you OP, I hope you figure yourself out and find happiness.

>>34062401
Yea since I wrote this I already calmed down and felt like cheating again a couple times. It’s over if I don’t fix this.
>>34062421
>Fear
Idk if fatherlessness has to do anything with this. I’ve always been quite lonely and dependent on people in an autistic way. I cheated on my first bf even though he was clingy but after he cheated on me, it ruined my life. I’m in a constant state of wanting to cheat since.
>addiction
Good read that I’m not addicted to sex itself. I don’t feel any need to do hookups when I’m single. No clue how to fight this though :(
>learned behaviour
I’m afraid I might end up like her.
>bird eye view
Wow thank you so much anon. I think this is really applicable. I hate to see other people pull this shit so I think it will help a lot.
>Do the opposite
So just to get it concrete, let’s say I get incredibly anxious that the relationship might end. What do I do instead of reinstalling Tinder?
>>34062799
Being cheated on fucked my entire life up. I wouldn’t ever want someone I love to go through it. None of my partners ever found out luckily. But I want to keep my current relationship pure

>>34063733
>Idk if fatherlessness has to do anything with this.
Most very well does. It may sound degrading or demeaning of your own sense of individualism, or may not seem like a big deal, but reality is fathers & mothers make a huge impact on our psyche. Even if we feel like we can operate fine without them. Fathers are supposed to nurture a sense of safety into kids, its the big strong adult man who protects the baby. And if a baby has no such figure in life, baby turns into a very fearful soul. Sometimes so fearful that it becomes ‘normal’, a default state of fear. Which one becomes numb to, so dont be surprised if you dont feel much of it. But it does imprint on personality.

>Good read that I’m not addicted to sex itself. I don’t feel any need to do hookups when I’m single.
Because relationships scare you. Because it requires you to be emotionally visible, to allow yourself to show someone else all the dark and complicated parts of your soul, the parts you may feel are ugly or wicked. The fear of thar being seen invites a greater fear of rejection, and ultimately, abandonment. This immense fear translates to stress, and when the stress hits you reach for the cheating to try to cope.

>I’m afraid I might end up like her.
You already are. That’s OK. I grew up to be like my abusive father. It cannot be stopped, we are 50% our mom and 50% our dad.

The goal is to become them, and finish what they started. Do what they could not or would not, to be a better version of them.

>So just to get it concrete, let’s say I get incredibly anxious that the relationship might end. What do I do instead of reinstalling Tinder?

Mask-off. Show them who and what you are early on, admit your fear, admit your desire to run, take true control by letting yourself be visible. Especially when you feel the anxiety. Allow reality to prove to you that life doesnt always have to crash and burn like you think it will. Allow the anxiety and even the support.

>>34062088
imagine being the cucked tinder bf of this whore

imagine installing tinder fighting to fuck something like this lol

jesus

>>34063733
Also wanna point out
>Yea since I wrote this I already calmed down and felt like cheating again a couple times. It’s over if I don’t fix this.

Always remember: Feelings ≠ Actions. If you are dating someone and you feel like cheating on them, does it mean you actually cheated on them? The answer is no. Because cheating is an action, not a feeling. Let yourself feel like cheating, allow the feeling and you will notice you have greater to control not to act on it. That's how to de-fang & de-claw the beast of temptation, by allowing the feeling without shame you remove the pressure. By removing the pressure, you remove the urgency to go and act it out.

Temptation is very much like a Chinese finger trap, the more you try to pull away from it the stronger the bind becomes the more you choke. The way out of a Chinese finger trap is you allow it, you let your fingers sink in further and the trap opens up and you are free.

So let go of the idea that (you) need to fix XYZ 'or else'. Feelings are not things to fix, they are things to process. That means let them in and they will go out. They will pass. The less you fight them the quicker they leave.

>>34064191
If you grew up to be abusive like your father, is that who you are right now? Or did you overcome it? How?

>>34064289
>If you grew up to be abusive like your father, is that who you are right now? Or did you overcome it? How?

That is who I am right now, it's who I always was the only difference was I deluded myself that I wasn't lol. I have the same extreme distrust and resentment towards authority figures, the same jadedness, the same cynicism, the same people-pleasing facade that can very quickly turn into blood-curdling rage and fury.

Difference is, I managed to have the breakthrough and realized & accepted that is who I am, and this gave me the ability to channel it, to choose outlets and methods that neither harm me or the people I love. Even allowed me to find ways to serve me and those I love. My father never did find that self-awareness, he is stuck emulating his own father blindly.
I told him and calmly confronted him about this cycle and tried to help him reach a similar clarity, he knows about it too. But he's old and tired, he apologized to me and I apologized to him, we made our peace. He simply said "It's too late for me. I'd rather just wait for death. Enjoy your life and make the most of it, and im proud of you"

>>34064318
Did you ever do something to anyone? Because that’s what I see as abuse.

Also
> is, I managed to have the breakthrough and realized & accepted that is who I am, and this gave me the ability to channel it, to choose outlets and methods that neither harm me or the people I love. Even allowed me to find ways to serve me and those I love.
care to explain further?

>>34064289
>>34064318
I'll put it more clearly: You don't overcome it and you are not supposed to. You are supposed to build on it, adapt, evolve, and grow with it. The more you do that the less defining it becomes, you take on something new yet strangely familiar. You essentially become what your Mother and/or father could have been if they hadn't been devoured by cyclical trauma themselves. You take on the best parts of them, even if it seems they had none, and you embody that and grow it where they failed. You essentially become a loving breathing redemption arc on their behalf. Which honors yourself and honors your own parents, it honors everything, taking all the bad shit and giving it permanent meaning and purpose.

>>34064367
>Did you ever do something to anyone? Because that’s what I see as abuse.
As a child and teen, yes a lot. Verbally abusive, never physically. Though I made it an oath to myself very early on to never abuse partners in a relationship. That wasn't driven out of a pure saintly place either, just out of spite and hatred of my own upbringing and my desire to not repeat history.
But for others, strangers or acquaintances or even casual friends I was abusive as shit verbally and mentally.


>Care to explain further
Yeah so whenever I get the urge to tear into someone to relieve stress (which is to recreate my upbringing of abusive fighting, because that was what was familiar to me, and familiarity makes the mind feel 'comfort' even if it's fucked up)

Whenever that urge hits, I just elect to stay away from people for a short while and let it out elsewhere through activities, like exercise or something mundane like housework or DIY or if I'm at work, doing the job aggressively as I can. Just using that aggression and anger and repurposing it as energy or fuel to be productive basically. Every emotional state is energy, and it can be repurposed into something non abusive

>>34064397
Never met anyone who would act like you, anon. Especially in relationships. Have you ever felt an urge to hurt your partner(s) because of what they’ve done?

>>34064397
>>34064367
Bring me to OP:

If OP can make a sort-of friend out of their own inner-demon, that urge of wanting to cheat and sabotage, then what OP can do is allow it to continue operating in their life. But with the important caveat to harness that energy and urge and releasing it in a way that isn't cheating.

A common and simple trick to accommodate that for example would be introducing cosplay into sex. Scratches the same itch of having sex with "someone else" yet it's rewired to bolster the sexual relationship to the person you actually love. Or any other ways, doesn't have to be sexual or involve another person either. Therapy and counselling is a common way, exercise is one way, throwing yourself at a career or a hobby another way, or even something far out like paying for a 'break room' where you are given a room for breakable items and appliance, 30 mins and a baseball bat to let it out.

Point is to allow the chaotic urges and temptations in and finding them a new job, one that isn't cheating. That way you get to stop fighting yourself & find a way to cope differently

>>34064445
>Never met anyone who would act like you, anon. Especially in relationships. Have you ever felt an urge to hurt your partner(s) because of what they’ve done?
Yes, all the time. Never followed through. in my lowest I'd act on them on myself through fucking my life up on drugs and booze. Since then I've learned to act on them in better ways as previously mentioned.

>>34064468
Idk, something is fucked up about it. Your opinion on turning real cheating into cosplay.. Why would you even fantasise about cheating on your loved one? And btw you’re not scared that one day your partner will push you too hard and too far and you’re gonna use violence against them?

>>34062088
It seems like you anticipate the fear of souring a relationship so you act first to justify why it ended or went bad. I suggest working on why something serious, with the good and bad, scares you

>>34064502
>Idk, something is fucked up about it. Your opinion on turning real cheating into cosplay.. Why would you even fantasise about cheating on your loved one?

It seems fucked up because it’s the art of taking fucked up feelings and transmuting them into safe and not-fucked-up actions. It’s tough work but the alternative is to let the fantasy control (you) rather than (you) controlling the fantasy.

>And btw you’re not scared that one day your partner will push you too hard and too far and you’re gonna use violence against them?
Nope, my track record is I’ve never once done that to a partner so I’ve no worries in myself. I also chose well and have a good woman, and we resolve our differences or disagreements maturely. We still express things like anger or upset whenever it arises, but we do it in a way that isn’t abusive, degrading, petty, hateful or spiteful.

>>34062088
listen, fags cannot be loyal, I'm sorry that you're a massive raging faggot and you will never find love, keep fucking, keep cumming and being coomed inside of, that's the best you're ever gonna get.

>>34062088
>Where is this coming from?
Doesn't matter. Find better things to do.