I feel like I cannot achieve anything, not even peace, despite all my efforts, as I'm in a situation that is not optimum for me. Why must I do something I do not like, and why does it have to be the only plausible thing to do? I'm not well enough, mentally or physically capable to handle this, yet I'm forced to. The conditioning is absurd; I feel I would fail if I tried anything else. It's just an institution, society, influencing us at every moment, forcing us to make decisions that suit their purpose. And if one tries to disobey, they'll simply abandon him. He'll be counted as a failure, used as an example of a lost soul who wandered and slipped into the gorge. This breeds fear in people's hearts. And I'm in that situation too. It's a constant dullness I feel, without any relief, yet the pain is never all-consuming that you cannot function or make excuses. How can one escape this pitiful state?
>>34062940Is this a long way to say that you are being pressured into getting a job, and you are feeling afraid of getting a job?
>>34062942>Is this a long way to say that you are being pressured into getting a job? Yes, but I want to get the job. But I'm afraid of getting it and not doing well. I've never been good at it. Imagine yourself doing something you aren't good at, yet you must do it. Daily failures are what I'm facing. Yet, I must do that job as livelihood depends on it.
>>34062950I thinks that's normal as shit to be afraid. I was afraid of it too, avoided employment for years for the same reason, I was afraid of fucking up and being humiliated in some way for it.Reality is though, you will fuck up and make mistakes because that's how you get good or proficient at anything. And most employers know this, that's why they have a training phase. A s even after that you will still make mistakes because that's inevitable for anyone. As long as you don't fraud the company or steal or cause a civil or legal incident you'll be fine.
>>34062962I'm afraid the ones I'm joining with are better at it. They try harder than I do. I also want to try my best, but whenever I do give my all, the return is always something mediocre, unsatisfactory that would make others question if I even tried my best. I've seen that look many times, a sort of disappointed look, like they feel I'm fooling around, yet I do my best not to give them any cause for complaint.I don't want to avoid employment. I hate loneliness. Being around others helps, even when I'm not connecting vocally. But my own past experiences make me feel so afraid of future failures, and it makes me question if I'm actually good at anything. It's an uncomfortable feeling that distracts me often. I feel I'm becoming more and more depressed as I ponder on these things.
