I married my wife in 2013 when we were both 23 years old; we'd been dating since our senior year of high school in 2007. We have four kids born 2015, 2017, 2020, and 2022. I had an affair during 2020 and for several months was considering leaving her. She knew this and I went back and forth multiple times. In March 2021 I came to my senses and ended all contact with the other woman. I have never cheated, and will never cheat, again. I was very close with her family prior to the affair. Now there's a... kind of distance. Like they don't trust me as much. They're cordial and polite and are absolutely not cold, but there used to be a warmth that's no longer there.Is there any hope of recovering from this? My wife seems to have fully put the whole incident behind her and trusts me again seemingly as much as she did before 2020, but her family... I don't know. Maybe this is the new forever normal. I hope not. I'm hoping that maybe it was just recent enough that things aren't fully healed, but that they will get there with time.
>>34069317You may never get in that good standing again and it's important to accept that and that it's not important. All that matters is your wife, and even then it will still take more time. That damage will never fully be undone. The trust will probably never fully be restored to what it was before, be a fair, especially because it just wasn't some one time, one night stand. This was a continued affair, a long term affair. This was something extremely hurtful. It's going to take a lot of time and transparency, and if you're there with your wife, great, but you can't expect others to ever see that change and really care. Nobody likes a cheater, and most people have the belief that once a cheater, always a cheater and that they can never be redeemed. And you can't change their minds either. You must understand that there have been dozens, maybe even hundreds of conversations with your wife about how she should leave you, how she must have cripplingly low self esteem, about how you're just the only man she knows, but there are plenty of good men out there that would treat her right. You will not be able to convince these relatives that you've truly changed. They just want her to be happy and understand they can't make decisions for her, so they'd rather not continuously rock the boat.
>>34069317Brother I say this as someone who has cheated, it would have been better to end all relationships. I understand you have several young children, but unless you are truly ultra-rich Chad Thundercock, the resentment will build over time. I wouldn't be surprised if on the hour of your youngest's birthday in 2040 you get served divorce papers.I'm glad my previous relationship ended and we didn't try to stay together. I have a lot of problems I need to work on, for myself first and foremost. I'm not looking for redemption, but I don't want to be who I was in the past either. I don't know man, luckily I wasn't too close to my ex's family and most of my own social circle didn't judge me too harshly. It probably is over between your and her family and if I were a betting man I'd say she's staying solely for the kids.
>>34069421I wouldn't say the relationship is doomed to die, I'm sure that they've had a lot of talks, and that's why he's sure that she's become a lot more comfortable in accepting of his changed behavior. And I'm sure that he's left out some important details about how he managed to do any kind of repair work on his marriage, like discussions they had, compromises that he made, different things he did to display full and complete transparency.
>>34069317As someone whose been cheated repeatedly I can tell you for a fact:>My wife seems to have fully put the whole incident behind her and trusts me again seemingly as much as she did before 2020This is not true. When I was cheated I "seemingly" put it behind me and pretended to trust again, I pretended so hard I'd lie to myself about it. Truth is I didn't fully trust my then ex again. But I was too chicken shit to be honest about that because that would mean arguing, and arguing meant stress, and stress meant the ex would go cheat to cope again. I felt personally responsible over the cheating that if I wasn't acting all happy and calm as hoped, ex would find a other reason to go cheat again. Anyway as expected the relationship ultimately died. Andat that point it was 50% ex's fault 50% my fault for pretending trust was back when it wasn't because it prevented actual meaningful discussions about harsh facts or even harsher changes. I wanted things to go back to normal just as hard as cheating ex probably even more. Fact is your marriage is never going to go back to normal, ever. However that doesn't mean the marriage is over or fucked. It means it cannot go back to how things were, and that's a good thing because how things were before facilitated the pressure to go and cheat. The marriage has to change from the ground up, so let go of the idea of going back to normal. Focus on the hard task if making it BETTER than normal. And then you and your woman can perhaps yet find happily ever after.
>>34069317>>34069562Also wanna add a disclaimer to the advice I gave above: My relationship to the cheating ex was at a time of immense immaturity for us both. Ages 18-21. So while my long term relationship tanked does not mean your marriage will tank. As for the other problem with your in-laws keeping you at arm’s length, it’s tough shit and cannot be helped. Their loyalty is to your wife, your wife was he one who got cheated on, so they will villainise you at worst, or at best just keep a cold distance. You’d do the exact same if you had a sister or daughter who got cheated on. Maybe relations with her family improves, maybe it doesnt. Point is it doesnt matter. Because you married her, you did NOT marry her folks or her siblings. If you and her rebuild and continue to build a strong marriage out of the ashes of infidelity and they still treat you cold, who cares? Goal is to focus on the marriage, the family you have made with her. Not the old families you spawned from. If you have already succeeded or will succeed in building a strong marriage, thats what counts and no amount of outsider opinion can take that away. So good luck to you and good on you for your hard work in your path to rebuilding. I strongly suggest renewing your vows, have another wedding ceremony to put that fact of renewed connection into meaningful symbolism. That will help both you and wife more than you think.
>i had an affair>i have never cheatedJust divorce her now and save her the trouble of being with you, what a horrendous person. At least if you had an extenuating circumstance like meds, but no, youre just a bad person, truly awful, and youre surprised people dont like you?Everyone is hoping you finally leave or die because they cant do it themselves and screw the kids over. You realize this right?
>>34069935Your reading comprehension sucks ass.
>>34069317>Is there any hope of recovering from this?You cannot forgive betrayal. You showed your colors and everybody knows.>My wife seems to have fully put the whole incident behind her and trusts me again seemingly as much as she did before 2020She might want to pretend it were so, because she loves you.. but at the bottom of her heart, she knows who you are and there are scars that are not going to go away. The doubt is not going to leave.
>>34069317>fuck around>find outyou are so retarded op
>>34069317>Is there any hope of recovering from this?Absolutely none, no. It's just possible you might have been able to come back from a drunken one night stand. But a situation where you were known to be considering leaving her for someone else? No. Never. Also, I absolutely guarantee that your wife has NOT put this behind her. She is pretending she has for the sake of the kids.
>>34070006It's words directly from OP. Someone who has an affair while in a marriage never gets to use the phrase "I never cheated" again, if OP was trying to frame it as they never cheated after they stopped the affair, whooptedoo, then they're just an in denial piece of crapFact remains that in these situations everyone in the family is absolutely hoping OP eats a bullet>>34070052For the kids, and almost certainly is getting ducks in a row to leave him which takes time
>>34070147>It's words directly from OP. Someone who has an affair while in a marriage never gets to use the phrase "I never cheated" again.Have you tried reading the full sentence, pal?>I have never cheated, and will never cheat, again.The obvious implication is “I’ve never cheated since then and never will again”. Y’know the big fucking clue was the two paragraphs prior that spelled out that he cheated in the past-tense.
>>34069317>I have never cheated,you quite literally have cheated, if your 'wife' did this to you youd be chimping out all over the place, yet here you are wanting it back to normal, lol fuck off you did this to yourself
>>34070227What does that meaningfully change about the actual point of the original reply anon
>>34070256It means if OP talks of cheating in past tense, and no longer identifies as having cheated ever since, it means OP actually believes what he says that he hasn’t cheated and doesn’t intend to. I don’t know what else that other anon is expecting, would they prefer OP be unrepentant and boast about not giving a fuck? Part of redemption and redemption changing yourself requires no longer identifying as the old person who had it in him to cheat. How are people supposed to want to change if all anyone does like that anon is brand them as an irredeemable monster?
>>34070248I find the idea of unilaterally deciding to create a cutoff point in a MARRIAGE to be able to say you've never cheated during it is hilarious. Like do anons understand the concept of what a marriage is?
>>34070275Stop being obtuse. Repentance and accountability is doing right by her and kids and divorcing her and providing for them while no longer being in her life. Anything else is extremely selfish and exactly the opposite of the nonsense you're spouting you ignorant twat.
>>34069317>Is there any hope of recovering from this? No. You can't change the past, and that's what they're reacting to.Your wife should have divorced you on the spot, but she made her choice to try to move on despite everything. So have you. They haven't. Their previous image of you as a loyal and loving husband was proven incorrect. You aren't evil incarnate to them, of course, but you fell well short of their expectations, and there's no way to unfuck that. At most, they'll slowly get more comfortable again with time.
>>34070280>Like do anons understand the concept of what a marriage is?Yes. “For richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in death, ‘till death do us part.” Notice it says ‘till death do us part, and not:>”’till a 4chan post angrily demanding we end the covenant of marriage do us part”.
>>34070294Oh so you're just a dumbfuck given that for centuries infidelity has been legally, morally, and societally accepted as a way to terminate a marriage according to your bullshit. Boring
>>34070285>Repentance and accountability is doing right by her and kids and divorcing her and providing for them while no longer being in her life.I bet you’ll say this while also pointing to the crime rate correlation to single mother households in another thread. You reckless idiot. What you just proposed is what’s selfish, you think breaking an entire home up to prove some point to yourself counts for being selfless? Even though it demonstrably fucks up kids for life? Marriage is about family, always has been. You are suggesting OP should finish the job and go from cracking it to actually breaking it entirely. You’re the ignorant twat.
>>34070294>But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.Jesus *explicitly* permits divorce over adultery.
>>34070307>infidelity has been legally, morally and societally accepted as a way to terminate a marriage according to your bullshit.notice you say ‘your bullshit’. Kinda shows your hand that you yourself dont even believe in the covenant or constitution of marriage. So why are you sperging about it? Also many mainstream churches do not count infidelity as a reason for divorce. Has to be a bit more extreme than that to call it off. I don’t expect you to know that one though, seeing as you only care about your own brand of bullshit alone.
>>34070309>breaking up a homeYou're talking about having an affair right? Glad we are on the same page
>>34070275Probably they do that because once the crime is committed, you can expect it will happen again. So, if you would cheat on your partner, they will always feel scared that you’re gonna do it again. That’s how marriages collapse btw.
>>34070317Jesus is defining the definition of adultery, not the guidelines for divorce. He is saying that divorcing a wife is adulterous, except if she was already an adulterer, then the divorce is not adulterous. He does not say “If she commits adultery you should divorce.”
>four (4) children>high treason, betrayal, the absolute worst S I N there is in the cosmos on par with lucifer>iS ThErE AnY HoPe oF ReCoVeRiNg fRoM ThIs?what a whoreson turbonigger you are OP.>>34070030this.i really hope this is bait, for your poor lady.
Don't know your wife OP but i do know a lot about women. Here's my predictions:i) she's already cheated on you to get revenge and plans for you to never find outii) she has definitely already ahd legal advice and knows exactly what to do, and when, to terminate the relationship at a pre-determined time, at which point she will be 100% prepared emotionally and logistically and you will be on the back foot. (She may already be backgrounding the kids).iii) OP will post again when his oldest child is 14yo or so "My wife left me X years after my affair I can't believe she did this"
