When i was 18, i left home because of abuse/being homeschooled and never allowed outside and pretty much immediately a guy was like “ill help you” and swindled me into a hotel to “help” me and then i lost my virginity. i realize now i shouldve stuck by this guy because even tho he was presumably using me for sex, i only knew him for 2 days and didnt stick around long enough to see intent through and if anything could form. the thing was i had an ex online i had never met and we were still trying to make it work one day, and obviously i told him immediately and he was like youre the worst person in the world and told me to go back home immediately so i did. which is dumb, we were not even dating anymore and clearly the sex had already happened. the hotel guy was simple like most men so im sure he wouldve had no objections to me sticking by him, but at the time i was also confused because the day after he was completely ignoring me all day because he had a bipolar switch. when i was already leaving, he came up to me and was like “where are you going” and even told me to stay safe. thus im certain it couldve been something. me and him had the same idea of how we wanted to live too which ive not encountered in anyone since. i tried to contact him online after i went back home but i think he blocked me (probably thought i was gonna say im pregnant). i cant say he abandoned me tho because i abandoned him irl and he wasnt a guy who would think internet and real life are the same

then, i got in a year long relationship with an autistic porn addict who beat me and had entirely different values just because he kissed me and i thought i should stay with my first kiss because i had nothing left to give to another man. i left only cause i couldn’t bare it anymore and i knew he could find someone more similar to him instead of forcing us both to not have real love

then something similar to the first time happened, where i was flirting with a guy and we got drunk and he ended up somewhat “forcing” sex (i dont blame him he was drunk). i definitely couldnt have stuck around in this case, i tried to be clingy for a bit but it was psychosis inducing for multiple reasons and i went insane.

ive identified a real problem here: i never saw any of these things through and abandoned the other person before the natural fate would have a chance to play out, and thats why now im left with experiences that i can never have with my husband. its extremely saddening to me and i see people online talking all the time about how its “so wrong” that women arent taking the chance to tie a guy down etc.

im 21 now and ive realized everything people tell you is a lie, every man is attracted to teenagers because its nature and the only way to not be bothered by this is sticking to a guy who knew you as a teen -only then it feels like he truly thinks youre hot and loves you

should i become celibate and devote myself to something else like a nun? is my only choice to embrace being a hole and try to make some guys lives better and happier? i really do think i ruined being a wife.

another problem i think is through out all of this i approached it with the mindset of, “therell be a perfect true love out there one day for me, this is just an unfortunate suffering setback”. but thats not true, thats fantasy not reality. you have to stick by a guy if hes already successfully taken you

>>34080575
You've not ruined your chances; being married isn't exclusive to those who've never made mistakes, even serious ones. If you're interested in the religious aspects, become Eastern Orthodox, talk to your priest, and he will be able to help you find out if you're meant to be a nun or married.

>>34080575
No you haven't ruined yourself for marriage. Marriage is and always will be about family. Marriage is not about the ass kissing of either the man's or the woman's ego or ideals. Although it is true that you would be wise to avoid bringing shame to your spouse. That is why all you need to do is avoid doing that, that means choosing your actions in the present day. Making sure you are embodying virtue by the time you meet, dates and marry a husband. Your only task is to be renewed in spirit and be quit of your old way of life.

>>34080622
so am i just purely cut out for family focused marriage focused on kids, true love and romance is whats out the window?

>>34080575
Another point for you: You mentioned nunneries and being a nun. That's a vocation. Do you know what else is a vocation? Being a wife. Just like being a priest is a vocation, being a husband is a vocation. Because all of them are about covenants, making an eternal pact.

You fear making the eternal pact because you are terrified of making your fears eternal. That's what is blocking you, because you fear being abused or hurt again and if you eternalise that in a life long commitment you are scared you are sending yourself to a life long hell. That's is completely understandable and makes perfect sense through your perception.

But OP, reality is more than just our one perception. Reality says you could just as easily eternalise a covenant aka a marriage with a man who not only treats you right, but is also neither ashamed of you or spiteful of you for your past shame. There are men who also burned in Hell who are also seeking peace. Men who also once feared eternal commit like marriage out of fear of repeating the nightmare of their upbringings.

And there are many, more than you think who have done exactly that and loved to have a good life in spite of their rough pasts. And they were able to do this by simply choosing it to be so and wanting it.

>>34080635
>So am i just purely cut out for family focused marriage focused on kids, true love and romance is whats out the window?

No. That's is coming from your either/or, All-or-nothing barrier. You can have both very easily. There is no law written in any corner of the universe where it says you cannot. Romance and love are things you create with someone and if you choose to create that, you create it. You do that by understanding love languages, there's 5 of them you learn what yours are and what your partner's are and you both choose to act in then for each other. That's what they teach you in marriage courses in religion, and marriage counselling in therapy. Tried and true method that ensures you always get what you desire and give what your loved one desires.

You can have lasting love, romance, life as a wife and life as a mother all in one. You won't be able to do it all at once, no one can. You attend to each in rotation, tending to one, tending to the other, then the other in shifts. A bit like watering plants in a garden.

>>34080575
>i think i should just accept im not wife material anymore
Yes, next thread.

>>34080575
Ok fuck it I'll marry you.

>>34080575
Now let me point out some key things from your experiences, I will confirm for you what happened in reality:

>pretty much immediately a guy was like “ill help you” and swindled me into a hotel to “help” me and then i lost my virginity.
You got exploited. It does not matter what his intentions were, he saw your desperation and saw opportunity.

>the thing was i had an ex online i had never met and we were still trying to make it work one day, and obviously i told him immediately and he was like youre the worst person in the world.
He felt cheated. Even though you were broken up, he held onto the idea you’d remain single and untouched until things got back. You did not cheat, but you did betray his expectation. You are not in control of his expectation, a bad moment but not cheating, not even close.

>he came up to me and was like “where are you going” and even told me to stay safe. thus im certain it couldve been something.
Hotel guy didn’t care. He was just good at pretending, only to appear like he did for his objective.

>I went back home but i think he blocked me
Because he got what he wanted and didn’t care to “help” you.

>then, i got in a year long relationship with an autistic porn addict who beat me and had entirely different values just because he kissed me and i thought i should stay with my first kiss because i had nothing left to give to another man
Autists have ‘mind-blindness’. They can love, and love well. But if they are middle functioning, or dysfunctional, they won’t want to play your style of love in return. They want only their version, or else they have a tantrum. And in this case, his tantrum was to beat you. A rarity in autists, most just cry and claw at their own skin. He learned to punch because thats what he saw his parents do most like.

>i was flirting with a guy and we got drunk and he ended up somewhat “forcing” sex
>it was psychosis inducing
That’s what happens after a rape.

File: Family.png (1.34 MB, 1353x859)

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>>34080575
Love

Many of us think of love as a strong emotion, a feeling we have for another person. Take a wholly different and life-enriching approach to love. Love is some thing you ”do”, something you give freely from the heart. Learn how to express yourself nakedly and honestly to your partner, friends or family, for no other purpose, then to reveal what’s a live in you in a present moment. Discover what thousands of people around the world already know: a heart – to – heart connection strengthened by joyfully giving and receiving from the heart. Is that love you longing to experience?

>>34080575
>>34080769
>continued

That was a rape in every practical measure. However legally, it won’t count as one, both parties were drunk. (you) and drunk man. Consent and the lines of sound decision making are blurred so hard in this case, courts won’t touch it or police. It was a drunk rape on a drunk girl. You’ll have gotten the same damage as regular rape, but just without the legal or social closure or definition. Can’t even call the drunk man a rapist either, can only call him a drunk man who drunkenly raped. Messy business, good that you are OK though.
>Im 21 now

Now pause a moment. You went through all of these life altering and soul crushing events at 21. (twenty-one). You’ve only been an adult for just three summers. Think about how short a time this is.

Slow down. Because maybe all that abuse and sheltering and being cooped up in homeschool has made you extremely restless and you feel a need to go and live a big life to ‘catch up’ and reclaim what you feel you missed out on. And you moved so blindingly fast, you had forgot to stop and check the safety of these encounters with men, and you ran right into trouble. That is OK. It was harmful and fucked up, not saying what happened was morally OK, but making mistakes and taking damage that doesnt mean you are fucked forever.

What it means is slow down. Let go of needing to run to relationships, take a break from the idea. It wont run away. There’ll always be chances to start on love. But you need to learn how to breathe first and get your bearings. A big part of that is finding out where you fit into society, where do you belong.

You do not need relationships to tell you this. You thought that because you were so used to parents telling you where to belong, you naturally relied on partners to do likewise. You find out where you belong SLOWLY. Over time. Over experience. Over finding things you want to do, in communities, or skills, or lines of work, or hobbies

>>34080575
I am similar, except I am a guy. Ever since I was young I wanted my parents to stay together after they divorced badly. I also want a lasting and fulfilling relationship for myself. I miss my old friends a lot, first girlfriend too.
Every relationship I had was subsequently destroyed whenever my family would step in. I was generous to my little brother but he rewarded me only with being an asshole, my father remarried and left with all the of money of the house he had sworn was ours with his second wife. And my step sister and my brother were raised with all the care that was never brought to me. I cut them out of my life and I don't plan on seeing them anytime soon.

I am now 42, I have a kid and I had a cute girlfriend with whom my child was born, but as soon as family got involved, everything turned to shit again.

I am now struggling for work and money, and I try to be cool with my kid and his mother.

I am praying every existing god for a decent job I can keep to pay for the expenses of my kid, myself, help his mother and to be able to live a life with a real lasting wife.

In any case I am perhaps too old to be posting here but it's at least a place I can vent out my needs. I am almost out of options anyways, so I keep going forwards hoping to finally get what I want (without ending up in debt or committing theft or crime of course).
If there is any obvious path I can take on I will and if there is none I won't be living much longer anyways.

>>34080575
girl. log off, and go outside. nobody in the adult real world gives a fuck, except weirdos.

>>34080828
>nobody in the adult real world gives a fuck, except weirdos.
funny thing about that word ‘weirdo’ and ‘weird’ is it just means ‘this is unfamiliar’. And if you think people who care and give a fuck are weird, all you are saying to the world is “all i ever known was neglect and abuse and people who gave no fucks about me, that is my normal.” Pretty depressing

>>34080575
>>34080576
>>34080578
>>34080584
You sound extremely low IQ

That said, there are plenty of cucks out there that will marry used goods, don't worry

>>34080902
thats not your genuine advice for the “best thing to do” in my shoes is tho. youre just saying give up and make someone else not live a good life. if i would make a guy a cuck in ur eyes, then i should stay single forever right? i know im stupid but i want to do the right thing, thats why i made this thread

>>34080825
my parent situation was similar. my parents werent divorced but they had no relationship and i learned at 10 that my mom despised my dad, she began saying he used to be abusive and was the reason she was abusing me, and would speak to him with the most vitriol and hatred in the world even tho he was trying to keep it calm. i wanted anything in the world for them to stay together to the point i developed a ocd tick for the number 4 bc that was the number of the people in our family and i wanted to assure we would stay together. i was never interested in boys before this period and its exactly when i started fantasizing about romance, true love, marriage and family.

bit unrelated rant maybe idk. but im very sorry abt ur family ruining everything for you, thats always been a fear of mine but i hope you know its not ur fault or in ur control, its others’ actions not urs. im sure ur a good dad to ur kid no matter what.

>>34080790
thank you for the reassurance. ur posts made me feel better

>>34080575
That is horrible and I'm sorry that happened to you, but like as someone that has never had a gf and would unironically want to help (actually) I find it astounding that all women will instantly find evil people that abuse them but will never ever ever ever ever give me a chance to date them.
Hooooowwwwww??? (this is more of a rhetorical question honestly)
Is it the bias of women wanting evil or are that many men in the world evil that it's statistically inevitable? Cause it feels like the universe is playing a very sick lifelong joke on me or something.

>>34081051
Not that anon, but as a 27 year old kissless virgin, you could be greatly improving their life depending on what kind of person you are.

>>34081051
>if i would make a guy a cuck in ur eyes, then i should stay single forever right?

If the guy wants to be a cuck that's his problem

>>34081074
well, in terms of sex and stuff the evil men are a lot more willing to force stuff, which is how technically all those situations happened. it wasnt me seeking them out or even being like “yes ill have sex with/kiss you”. and the one i dated, im pretty sure he saw himself as a “good nice guy” and he was sometimes, he was christian and sweet often but his problem was autism/mental disability. it made him apathetic and not know how to treat a woman. he just thought hitting or wrestling or choking me out randomly was just “the funny” on the internet. and he knew i used 4chan so i think he thought id be fine with it. idk. i dont want evil it made me feel so bad

>>34081090
i guess so but wouldnt they get the same benefits without wifing me up? i wouldnt want to make the person i genuinely love for my whole life and devote to a “cuck” thats horribly depressing.

>>34081193
see youre saying its a problem, thats clearly not the “best path” in ur eyes.

>>34081343
Best for whomst? You said you wanted to get married, and I pointed out you have nothing holding you back.

Men are completely buck broken and wouldn't dare thinking anything bad about your slutty past. If anything they would be glad you have a "low" notch count. And besides they don't really have a choice, the other girls your age have just as much mileage if not more.

You are just a regular modern woman, there is nothing to all of this.

>>34081377
i want to be a good woman. wouldnt a good woman, realizing her mistakes, remove herself from the reason knowing she shouldnt be a wife and the world is just insane, and be celibate? i agree modern america is a disaster and i want to live a life that aligns with my beliefs on how things should be. i did always want to get married, but if it would make my husband a cuck now, id rather choose an alternate life

>>34081343
It's not being a cuck to date someone that has had experience. It might feel like being a cuck to never get married but still dedicate all your feelings to them for life.
I say this as a virgin male.
>>34081343
Autism and 4chan is never an excuse for being violent towards someone you love. Never forget that. I say this as someone that uses 4chan.

>>34081385
You are saying you want to be perfect, but nobody can be perfect, and your case perfection is so obviously out of the window

As for your hypothetical husband, you wouldn't be making him a cuck, he would be doing that to himself. Not your problem.

>>34081427
youre using the word perfect. i said “good”. thats not the same thing. i want to do the ”right” thing, thats it. youre just giving me “just marry anyway even tho ur a whore and ur marriage would be shit, just be part of the shitty world u dont agree with why do u care lol”

>>34081468
No, you say good but you mean perfect. What matters is not the term but that its conveying.

And how shitty your marriage will be will depend on a lot of factors, this is not the only one. You don't have to keep repeating your mistakes.

>>34081489
asking for the morally right path and if i should just not involve with romance anymore doesnt mean i want to be perfect, i have other flaws, it just means trying to not wrong anyone and follow a life i believe in. i have and have always had traditional conservative opinions and me becoming a whore has disqualified myself from marriage imo

>>34081505
It hasn't really really, I'd say you are a bad marriage option, but marrying you would still be valid. Marriage is just an agreement you see, a promise. As long as you enter it honestly, it's valid, it doesn't matter if you are the worst person in the world.

>>34081505
>i have and have always had traditional conservative opinions and me becoming a whore has disqualified myself from marriage imo

That’s only your opinion. That is not the opinion of God the Father. And you should know whose opinion carries more weight in this case. Not only can you marry, but you are also entirely eligible to become a saint on your death as well should you choose that grace if offered from God.

Do you know how many saints had been whores and whore-mongers in their past lives? Too many to count. Saint Mary of Egypt, Saint Thais, Saint Pelagia, Saint Mary the niece of Abraham, and Saint Mary Magdalene. Saint Catherine of Siena, On the whore monger side, the men whores: Saint Augustine of Hippo, Saint John Pechersky Saint Padre Pio, Saint Moses the Strong (Not the moses of OT), Even King Solomon of all people is on this list.

ALL of them are revered today, their names tinged in God’s holy honor, all of them saints and every one of them committed more sins than you have, look into their lives, especially Mary of Egypt, aka Mary of the Desert. Her story is wild, and her redemption even wilder.

God decides if you are disqualified from marriage, not (you). You should perhaps pray and ask Him if you are with an earnest heart, you’ll find the answer is no you are not disqualified. Your former actions are, but (you)? You are not.

>>34081601
>Saint Mary Magdalene
No, that's a mix up.

>Saint Augustine of Hippo
He had a long-term relationship with a woman and a kid with her without being married, extremely tame for today's standards

>Saint Padre Pio
Wasn't this guy a monk his whole life?

I am no saint pro and it has been a long time I left sunday school, but I think you just namedropped without checking.

Besides none of that is helpful, because if some whores and whoremongers became people people of great virtue, many more became people of great vice.

>>34081069
>thank you for the reassurance. ur posts made me feel better
You’re most welcome, OP. I’m glad they were of help to you. You’ve been through a lot, like a lot a lot, you know that right? You’re a bit like a marathon runner who has ran for 2,000 miles and she hasn’t noticed her skin is scraped off her ankles, and the muscles are torn and the bones of her legs are breaking from being so worn down and she takes a fall and instead of resting and giving herself a overly deserved break she is scrambling to get back up to keep running to escape the pain of her own legs lol.

The trick is to admit you have broken legs, in this case a broken soul. Do not be afraid, God mends those.
>”Be still.” Psalm 46:10. It means be still, not physically, not mentally, it means in your soul. That means accept it’s broken, sit it still, God can then heal it. It’s that simple, good sister. Imagine a dentist who wants to work on teeth but the patient keeps shaking and moving their head, can’t be done lmao. Soul work is similar, keep it still and God handles the rest, free of charge too, no strings attached, just because He loves you. You’re His daughter after all.

God bless you, and take that rest, give yourself peace and forgive yourself

>>34080575
>>34080578
Hey OP. do you still have feelings for the men you slept with? when you slept with one, did you think about the others during? were you constantly comparing them?

did you love them?

Weird questions maybe, but please answer.

>>34081770
hey sorry for late reply i was at work
>do you still have feelings for the men you slept with?
i had feelings for the first one for a month after, because he was my first. i fully moved on pretty quick. i barely remember the whole thing now and it just seems bizarre it happened. i feel guilty that i got over it as fast as i did bc it was my first and i shouldve treasured it, but what can ya do

second guy i tried my hardest to convince myself it was love but obviously just resented him for when he was violent

the third guy i blacklisted from my mind bc the whole thing was so painful

so no

>did u think about any of them during the other encounters
no, except during the third one there was a slight feeling of “its this again :/“ but i wasnt directly thinking of the other experiences just the fact that it always happens.

>did i compare them to each other
no. different people are different people and i would never seek someone in another or get mad at them for not having the same strengths and flaws. i get pretty upset when people compare their exes and hookups in convo to me

Are you hot, can you carry a conversation, and do you mind if I'm extremely racist? I'll give you a shot.

>>34082273
it’s this again..

>>34082279
I don't know what "this" is but it could be me ejaculating in your vagoo and making you a breakfast sandwich afterward if you meet my criteria.

>>34080575
Tldr just marry a super incel who will lick your feet regardless of your whorish retardations