>>34135104
Also
>she has PTSD from a traumatic childhood (dad and mom with physical /emotional abuse) and has a very anxious attachment style. She says she was afraid I would leave her if I found out about the ex, despite me telling her I was okay with her meeting a male friend as long as she communicated. But in general she's pretty immature at dealing with relationship communication
>she blamed me because I was acting insecure before I looked at her phone (true but only because I knew she was talking to someone and trying to hide it from me)

>>34135104
>I feel like I'll never fully trust her,
You won't.

>>34135104
Dude, run. Also, opposite sex friends are never cool unless it's another couple you guys hang with or if she hangs in a group setting. Even the group setting is iffy but overall Men and Women can never be just friends, not how nature works guy.

>>34135104
Sadly this sound more like an issue of yours than hers. You crossed lines with her just as much if not more than she did with you
Maybe stay away from relationships until emotional maturity and communication skills are developed

>>34135290
And yes I shouldn't have looked at her phone but my suspicion was vomfici, she was getting a test from a guy who was flirting with her and while she didn't reciprocate she didn't try to cut it off either. After that I made it clear that I want her to not talk to any other dudes. That seems to be resolved, she periodically let me look at her phone and she seemed very open. but then my suspicion was roused again and I looked at her phone a second time and found a photo of her at a lunch with her ex. It was a very boring photo her ex didn't even look happy, it just seemed like a meet up for lunch.

But I told her very clearly that I'm ok with her meeting other people as long as she cleared it with me. But she chose to meet him behind my back and lie repeatedly about the fact that he was even her ex. So I disagree.

>>34135104
>Once the initial trust in a relationship is gone, how does one regain it?
Depends on the nature of the deception or the betrayal. When it comes to seeing other people behind your back, it's gone for good, trust is fucked forever. The only thing that replaces it is accountability at that point.

>My girlfriend met her ex one month into our relationship and lied to me about it.
Hmm
>I don't believe she cheated, she just met him for lunch.
Yeah, nah that's bullshit and you know it. No one lies about having lunch. Yeah I understand the necessity to lie because it's an ex, but the lie was most likely established to cover something up that's more severe than grabbing a sandwich. No one meets exes for just a 'lunch', absolutely no-one. Best case scenario: It was to talk about possibly getting back together. Worst case scenario: they fucked.

Either they fucked one last time, or they tried to arrange getting back together and it fell through. Which makes you her rebound, by the way. She was seeing an ex only 1 month into dating you = you're the rebound, the spare, the consolation prize. She would've jumped back with ex if conditions allowed it.

>>34135115
>She has PTSD from a traumatic childhood
So have I, and I have probably seen shit more horrific than she has. Never have I once cheated in a relationship and never made contact with exes while in a new established relationship. PTSD ain't an excuse.

>I am okay with her meeting a male friend
Get rid of that weak attitude and do it quick. One of the hard things you'll learn in life is you never passively allow or tolerate your woman seeing male 'friends'. It always leads to bullshit every single time.

>She blamed me
Of course she did. And that shows you exactly what type of girl she is. Whenever she breaks a boundary or dishonors you it's YOUR fault somehow. How dare you catch her lying to you lmao. Fucking bail and don't look back.

>>34135559
What kind of betrayal would be redeemable in your opinion then? I don’t think that you can regain someone’s full trust once you broke it. It’s beyond repair.

Also why wouldn’t you allow your woman to have male friends? Is it because you don’t trust her or you don’t believe in yourself?

>>34135104
>>34135559

Also since she has PTSD and you said she is anxious attachment, I can guarantee you when you leave her she will pursue you really fucking hard, to the point of borderline personality levels of fervor. That'll be her 'PTSD' kicking in, the whole nature of the disorder is to seek control at all costs, and when you take away control from her she will turn into a fucking banshee so be prepared for that. You tell her that the relationship was founded on a severe lie, she kept the lie buried, and she tried to insult your dignity by shaming you for finding out and that because of this there is a consequence: she loses something permanently, the relationship. And you better follow through on it OP, because if you don't you'll regret staying longer. Her PTSD & your deep resentment is a recipe for disaster. You'd be doing you and her a favour by ending things before it gets worse. You'll dodge a bullet and she'll get a nice big kick up her ass that will snap her out of her pathological bullshitting.

>>34135576
>What kind of betrayal would be redeemable in your opinion then? I don’t think that you can regain someone’s full trust once you broke it. It’s beyond repair

Redeemable trust: Mistakes or faults or problems you caused and lied about to save your own ass. White lies that cover up issues that do not personally affect your loved one, issues that only affect (you). Like habits, addictions, or accidents.

Irredeemable trust: Lying about deliberately being unfaithful, either through cheating, playing the field, deliberately trying to monkeybranch, stealing money or abuse.

>Also why wouldn’t you allow your woman to have male friends? Is it because you don’t trust her or you don’t believe in yourself?

It's because I'm realistic. Females and males cannot be friends without either sexual tensions developing or romantic signals igniting. Doesn't matter if the woman is 100% loyal, it always places the woman in a dynamic where someone always becomes enamored or smitten eventually. It's completely needless and reckless shit that every single adult couple understands. It's the reason why you never see your mom out on 'lunch dates' with random men who are not your dad.

The only people who see no issue with it are the naively oblivious & the knowingly cunning who always want to appear 'open'.

>>34135604
In other words you don’t trust your woman. You automatically assume she would cheat on you and that’s why you want to control every aspect of her social life to prevent it from happening.

>>34135614
In other words, out your money where your mouth is then. Forward your girlfriend's socials on here so some of the men ITT can treat her to a nice online convo, friendly of course.

>>34135614
>>34135617
Oh and if you refuse to do so it means you are controlling, because it'd mean you'd be denying her social opportunities behind her back and trying to establish yourself as some sort of tyrant who thinks he knows who she can and can't accept friendship from. So go ahead anon practice what you preach

A week in, you’re hung up about stuff a week into something
This is your issue for sure.
Work on some self worth, esteem, trust, and many other things
Because every relationship you have will be like this until you fix that

>>34135104
I can tell you exactly why she did it but I can't tell you whether or not you should excuse it.

I can't tell you how many times a guy has said "I can handle it" when asking for details that have to do with an ex and then they ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT HANDLE IT. After a while you figure out which things are going to set literally every man you try to date off and do your damndest not to mention them or sidestep the question. She probably thought that even bringing up going to see him would start an argument and that it would be a lot easier and not upset you to just keep it a secret. She's conflict avoidant not necessarily malicious.
>Then she continued to lies about who he really was.
This concerns me a little.

>>34135559
>No one lies about having lunch
What if she was genuinely just friends with him and was scared I would dump her if I found out? And my behavior was paranoid and controlling (maybe I was justified but it was nonetheless) and she just wanted to avoid the situation?

>>34135559
>you're the rebound
Idk, I believe she was fully into me. We had a genuine connection and feelings from the very beginning and I never felt any shady vibes from her. She was the one that was paranoid about me cheating on her (not that that necessarily means anything but still).

I left town for three weeks and she has like no friends. She spent the entire time trying to cook up a scheme to come be with me but she didn't have enough money. I'm inclined to believe her story that she was just lonely and wanted to talk to someone, but I could just be in denial.

>>34135104
>>34135115
>>34135576
Dude you know this ain't right stop holding onto it

>>34135764
>>Then she continued to lies about who he really was.
>This concerns me a little.
It took a 2.5 months of trickle truthing and gaslighting for her to finally break and admit he was her ex.

>>34135604
>the naively oblivious & the knowingly cunning
She's somewhere between the two. Probably an autist (like me) to some extent and emotionally stunted. Shes never been anything but sweet and caring to me outside of this issue

>>34135813
>2.5 months of trickle truthing

Yeah no that's fucked up. Valid trust issue.

>>34135820
I wouldn't give a normal person a second chance after this. I think shes genuinely got mental problems that are self defense mechanisms but that doesn't make her a bad person. But the fact that I'll never know isn't good for my mental health

>>34135104
You don't. Trust is a one-of commodity that you cannot gain multiple of, or restore the initial allotment you had. If the woman cheated on you once, she will do it again, and believing otherwise will only make you a fool.
Sittuations like this are more simple than you want to believe; if she truly loved you and wanted only you, there would never have been anyone else who could jeopardize that. She is untrustworthy, end of story.

>>34135860
What if she didn't cheat and made a stupid decision because we're both immature and emotionally damaged?

>>34135875
Stop making excuses. You know you're being stupid, you just don't want to accept reality.

>>34135860
This, I stopped trusting my gf after she failed mutiple times to be on time when I needed her. It wasn't some cash source being revived everyday, once she damaged that trust she never got it back. Now I don't rely on her for shit and if I need help with something, I'll go to friends and family first. Once trust is lost, it's takes double if not triple the effort to regain it.

>>34135921
The only thing that Im holding onto is that the feeling she's shown me never changed. It always felt like real love. And when we talk about it she cries and I can see the pain in her. Normally I can sense when people have bad intentions and I never felt that from her even once.

Idk if I'm stupid or if I found the exception to the generalization

>>34135921
And the relationship has been completely lopsided ever since the initial argument about this. I've been extremely distant at times and willing to leave her at the drop of a hat because anytime we had big argument I'd wonder why I'm dealing with someone who did this to me.

That and I don't have much to offer her financially or anything material.

Shes stuck with me nine months and been extremely transparent about her daily activities.

>>34135955
>And the relationship has been completely lopsided ever since the initial argument about this. I've been extremely distant at times and willing to leave her at the drop of a hat because anytime we had big argument I'd wonder why I'm dealing with someone who did this to me
Did you consider that this is an old pattern she wants to happen subconsciously? Anxious attachment style have abandonment issues, in a way having you be distant is confirming to her that people will leave her eventually, this making her feel justified in her cheating.
Also 2.5 months of trickle truthing means she had all the time in the world to gather the courage to lie

>That and I don't have much to offer her financially
Now you're just arguing against yourself

These kinds of threads hurt because you're obviously real, thankfully, someone real is making a thread
And it's also quite obvious that you'll do nothing about this because you're desperate af for a gf and don't want to let go of what you have
What a shitty world.
If I ever get hot I'm fucking and keeping several options always. A girl will have to work really really hard to get me complacent.
And by then she would have earned it

>>34135982

I'm not desperate, I found someone who I genuinely love and I'm willing to accept this if she didn't cheat and it was a one time thing.


I just disagree that it's a given that she cheated, when you are basing off of generalizations but I guess that's all most advice can be in this type of forum.

For every sign that she's a cheater it feels like there's an equal or greater sign that she's the opposite. It's just horribly confusing.

>>34135982
But obviously I can never know if she cheated and that is the core of the issue. Whether I can accept that

>>34135104
>lied to me about it.
>went on her phone.
You are both horrible people.

>>34135241
>Men and Women can never be just friends
A million Nice Guys can't be wrong!

Dude you’re crying about something that happened a week into the relationship
Inferiority complexes are not attractive buddy

>>34136115
>>34136126
We had been seeing each other for a month prior to me looking at her phone, sorry I didn't want to catch any more feelings just to get dunked on


I went on her phone and was proven right about my suspicion so I think two wrongs made a right in this situation

>>34136240
Just move on
Get some good therapy to better yourself so it won’t happen again
And don’t be so hung up on things
A week in, a month in YOU breaking trust and looking at her phone
I mean if you’re goal is to be a cuck you’re prepping well, if not it’s time for some self care

>>34136405
I don't see how getting therapy will prevent girls from emotionally cheating on me and lying about it but ok

>>34135104
>>34135115
Let's just cut right to the point and ignore this faggot who posted >>34135290

Don't get gaslit into "but you did X!!!" because she clearly acted suspiciously in the first place and proceeded to fucking lie to you. It doesn't matter whether or not she cheated, you will always wonder if she did just like you'll always never fully trust her. You have been with her for 10 months now, there is no longer a benefit of the doubt. You have two options:

>Accept that she did what she did and let it go for the sake of preserving the relationship; have an honest conversation with the intent to forgive her if you need to but keep it to yourself if you wanna avoid potential drama

>Recognize that you're still bothered by this months later because she is giving you cause to still be worried about this nearly a year into the relationship and it is probably not going to go away; at this point, it's time to just go, no need to have a conversation or fight about why.

Having trauma and PTSD is just not acceptable as an excuse for shitty communication and relationship boundaries. She needs to be working on it. Period. If she isn't in therapy and actively working on these things, she will not change and develop healthy attachment.

Final thing anon:
>You already know what you wanted to do before you posted this
>You already know what you want to do now that you've seen people weigh in
>You should choose what you feel in your heart you need to do for you, whether that is loving an imperfect person or finding another imperfect person that you won't have to worry about betraying you again

Good luck

>>34135290
kys gaslighting faggot

>>34136041
If I were to take a guess: You already know if you can ever trust her again or not, but you also know exactly what that answer entails so you're hesitating to outright confirm it

>>34136470
By gaslighting you mean "things I don't agree with"?

>>34136588
It's not a matter of opinion. You are objectively wrong, just like you are objectively a retarded faggot.

>>34136035
>>34136041
My brother in Christ I was with a beautiful girl for 5 years, I didn't think it can happen to me. She cheated on me behind my back, and eventually left me for that guy. Not only that, but my perfect angel who exhibited zero signs of being a cheater, suddenly went on a dating app behind my back, found a guy, and left.
What does that tell you?
Not "once a cheater always a cheater" you retard. It says that women like all people are capable of change and capable of horrible deeds such as cheating. You WANT TO THINK THAT YOU'RE THE EXCEPTION. Buddy you're not. People here telling you these things aren't just generalizing because that's what they can do. They see the simplest way for you to describe it and they give it to you as is. Without the excuses that you've developed for yourself in your head.
It's really, stupidly easy. She met with her ex and trickle truthed for 2.5 months. Someone guilty doesn't hide something. You really have to understand that she isn't the perfect angel you think she is. Stop making excuses for her.stop it. She's not the exception. She really isn't. You just want to believe with every ounce of your body that this girl is telling the truth. But brother she met her ex THEN LIED ABOUT IT AND HID IT FOR MONTHS. It doesn't MATTER at this point if she fucked him or didn't, because emotional cheating is worse with women because that's how they choose to fuck men, through their emotions

>>34135716
Letting shit like this slide is not proving self worth. Not accepting this shit and leaving is what a man with self worth does.

>>34136947
A man with any self worth wouldn’t cry over something a week into a relationship
But a little boy would

>>34136470
Imaging being a cuck and crying about it lmfao
Kys lonely bitch no one wants you

>>34135104
For some reason i don't have intuitions with these questions. Yes, break up, but also no, don't break up.
It might cone down to a cold analysis of you having better options available. If you don't, stay.

>>34137771
My intuition tells me she didn't cheat but I can only say that because Ive spent so much time with her. It's really hard to communicate what a person is like especially over text

I told her I want to take a break and clear my mind a bit

>>34137932
Stay in the relationship then. And you haven't told me the other options situation.

You can't anon. I'm going through similar, she was afraid I wasn't committing, wasn't going to move in - I went away with family for 5 days as my parents aren't getting any younger and we never went on a holiday for nearly 20 years together. One night she told me her male friend confessed feelings to her and he was the one I wasn't supposed to worry about. I figured if he was spilling his spaghetti to her then she must have given a green light at some point.

I snooped her phone one day, saw on the lead up to me being away and during she was venting all of her "icks" about me to him, even playful but seedy comments eventually and then it abruptly cut off.

I screencapped what I could, STILL was willing to hear her come clean when I confronted her but then imagine how I felt when I realised she was deleting shit in a panic to deny her part.

I entertained the thought of requesting the chat history through Instagram but she deleted the entire conversation 2 days after I told her what I'd seen, so it was impossible to do so. Also she took so long actually trying to entertain that idea that I'd lost all ties to her. All the shit I helped her with financially etc. She even tried to initiate some kinky sex the day after I caught her bullshit.

You just can't trust them without losing your mind man. It's shit to go from feeling you're a functioning adult with a gf back to single life but you'll be better off for it.

>>34138957
In that case I would break up with her for sure. But theres just some idiosyncrasies that make me feel like it was just fear and naievitie.

Like the fact that she didn't delete the photo she took of her eating lunch with him from her phone, even though she could've suspected I would look at her phone.

She also went to dinner with her uncle (who is probably her closest friend) in that same period and didn't tell me. She changed his phone number to look like a work colleague. So I think she truly feared I would break up with her if she had contact with any male period. Shes awful at communicating and frankly so am I, but we've improved a lot.

>>34139142
You call it naivety, or maybe she just got the impression you lacked a spine and she had no reason to try to hide, she never counted on you questioning her or suspecting her, she thought you were an easy dupe.

>Changing her uncles number to appear like a colleague
That's weird as shit. Almost like she wants you to perceive her as possibly pursued by other men like colleagues on purpose.
Be very careful nigga. Chances of crazy are showing increase from the more you share of her. Never forget that PTSD in childhood usually means personality disorder. I'll also tell you another thing:

Yknow healthy relationships? The ones that don't have any crazy shit going on in them? Yknow what they feel like? I can give you a hint: they do not feel like a situation where you have to make a thread to play detective on the partners motives. Because a healthy partner does not pull the shit your girlfriend does. That's just bottom line.

Now you continued the relationship anyway for what 8 months now. How has she been with you for the last 8 months besides this incident at 1 month? She treat you well? No crazy blow ups? Manipulating you? Verbal abuse or emotional games?

>>34139165
>That's weird as shit. Almost like she wants you to perceive her as possibly pursued by other men like colleagues on purpose.
I think that was just her way of hiding it. Shes work from home and I was home a lot in that period. 80% of what she talks about him with is venting about her work.

>>34139165
>Almost like she wants you to perceive her as possibly pursued by other men like colleagues on purpose.
I'm trying to avoid getting paranoid to this level, because I don't thinks she's ever played that level of mind games with me. But yeah, I'm starting to wonder if she is consciously or unconsciously playing the "do weird shit to get attention" game with me.

>>34139165
>She treat you well? No crazy blow ups? Manipulating you? Verbal abuse or emotional games?
Nothing on her end which is probably my number one sticking point with her. Usually if we get into a bad argument she'll go into a panic, get defensive, and maybe start talking about suicide (her mom was a histrionic and suicidal alcoholic). But she has never once tried to manipulate me outside of the lying about the ex thing as far as I can tell. And she has never once verbally abused me no matter how angry she's been, and never tried to do something petty to get revenge on me.

I know this all points to BPD and maybe she has a mild form of it. But I think shes truly a sweet girl who had a really fucked up upbringing (that doesn't excuse her behavior). As long as things are cool with me she's pretty much normal. It's just that ever since the lying thing my temper became alot worse and I ideate leaving her because she crossed a boundary that I should've left her for. But didn't, so here we are

>>34139165
>maybe she just got the impression you lacked a spine and she had no reason to try to hide, she never counted on you questioning her or suspecting her, she thought you were an easy dupe.
Lacked a spine yes, but I had already looked at her phone and tried to leave her about what I found. So if she was really manipulative she would've deleted it into. Maybe it was just a stupid mistake on her part

>>34135104
>My girlfriend met her ex one month into our relationship and lied to me
Dealbreaker.
It's completely irrelevant what she did or didn't do. She was willing to lie to you about it, and now you know what she's willing to do in the future. Cut your losses and get out.

>>34139361
This, either cheat or leave but OP you're fucking up if you don't have some insurance towards some shit that clearly is fucked up. I have exes im on good terms with and I never once wanted to hang out with them, hell the exes I'm cool with I haven't heard shit from them in like 2yrs

how long has your relationship been going for?
i've seen dudes break up over situations like yours despite 5+ years of dating and no issues since (though admittedly it does mean memories of the initial dating period become tainted).
if it's just been a few months, i would call it quit since her dodginess is only the beginning of more pathological things in the future.

>>34139512
Do you hear yourself? It doesn't matter if it's 5yrs or 5 months. Broken trust is broken trust, if I expect you not to do something then that's means i expect you to never fucking do it. Not have a "its ok" timer on. Disrespect in relationships should be tolerated just because you fuckers are afraid to die alone.

>>34139536
*shouldn't.

Its possible to salvage the relationship as long as you can live with uncertainty for awhile. You both need to reevaluate the relationship and talk about having a future. Remember that love wins. People make stupid mistakes for various reasons. Lying about something like this is big. She needs to know how you feel and likewise. If you love this person and visa versa then make it work.

Sunk cost fallacy

>>34135559
>No one meets exes for just a 'lunch', absolutely no-one. Best case scenario: It was to talk about possibly getting back together.
I'm starting to think it was the other way around, he was the rebound in case me and her didn't work out. And if they fucked then she's more diabolical then my gut feeling allows me to imagine. Either way it's fucked

>>34135216
SPBP

>>34135559
A third reason I can think of besides trying to get back together or having sex is trying to get closure. But it sounds like she's gone to lunch twice. I do think sometimes you can be a friend with an ex if both people really are good with not being in the relationship. For a bit I was friends with my ex-gf who I broke up with. She was with a guy, I told her to dump him because he wasn't treating her well, but I didn't want to get back with her. Maybe the whole time while we were still talking she wanted to get back with me. We did have one conversation like that, I can't remember if she was dating someone else at the time, but we both decided not to.

>>34135216
This. Broken trust is forever broken. You'll always be suspicious. You won't want to be, but you won't be able to help it.