When I was a teenager, I'd say I was bored and depressed, and not great broadly.In my 20s, I was still largely bored, maybe depressed, but improving.I'm now 30. I have a good job, I have a side hustle that makes me good money. I have a gf of 5 years who loves me, I care about her.I'm less bored because I'm working all the time now, but I'm not really enjoying it. I also don't know what to do with myself when I'm alone and not working. I mean I have some physical hobbies and some mental hobbies (related to the side hustle, eg. coding projects). I see friends and family.I feel shitty a lot. I'm pretty obsessive. I agonize over decisions and compulsively try to improve my side hustle projects. I constantly doubt my relationship and myself, despite her being great and myself being a success by most metrics.I feel like shit. I'm stressed often. And when I don't have anything to work on, I fall into stress spirals not knowing what to do with myself.I don't "want" anything. I'm just hoarding wealth like a dragon because there is nothing worth the money. But what's the point? I feel like I'm just going to continue working hard and amassing wealth, only to eventually catastophically fuck up or die before I spend any of it on anything I want.I still live with parents, despite the wealth, realistically largely because of the indecision with my gf and lack of gumption.I don't know what I'm doing, I'm the best I've ever been and it's not enough for me.I can't sleep. I just get stuck in thought loops of things falling apart.
Step two: shit kids out
I think I'm becoming increasingly paranoid. I'm starting to think that people are out to get me even though realistically they probably aren't. I don't think it's schizophrenia, though I know it could sound like it, but could be OCD or OCD tendencies or just anxiety. I don't know.There's a few people I know personally who have always rubbed me the wrong way, but increasingly I can't shake the feeling they're out to get me. For example, there's a guy in my girlfriend's (extended) group of friends, I barely know him, and he's always been overly friendly and suspiciously flattering of me. I've genuinely caught him in a few lies, that could potentially be waved away as harmless, but now I've kind of convinced myself he's out to get me and wants to fuck my girlfriend, and would wear my skin if he could.I'm constantly worried about doing the wrong thing and that it might come back to bite me. I have intrusive thoughts on things I regret in the past, of varying realistic importance.I want to quit my job and I could financially. I probably should. The fact that I haven't feels like self harm more than anything else. It's an okay job.Not so sure I'm okay though. I kinda feel like I've been slowly losing my shit more and more my entire life. Very slowly. I don't think anyone irl notices though. My gf is pretty broadly oblivious, which makes the relationship easier but also makes me feel completely unseen.I'm honestly really hesitant to post this because I feel like I'm divulging too much, but I'm probably not, and I'll go against my better (?) judgement here, in hopes of a helpful response.
>>34136096I really, genuinely do not think I'm in a stable enough headspace currently to have kids.Obviously there's been plenty of people throughout time who were worse equipped than me but that's not really the point.
>>34136067Sounds like you're just living aimlessly in general, which of course leads to unhappiness. No one feels good without a sense of meaning and purpose, and those are things that can never come from wealth, relationships or careers, so it shouldn't be any surprise that newfound worldly success hasn't changed a thing in terms of happiness. Happiness and well-being can only come from a change in your own attitude and judgement.
>>34136169> Sounds like you're just living aimlessly in general, which of course leads to unhappiness. No one feels good without a sense of meaning and purpose, and those are things that can never come from wealth, relationships or careers, so it shouldn't be any surprise that newfound worldly success hasn't changed a thing in terms of happiness.Yes, good point, so what do I do?> Happiness and well-being can only come from a change in your own attitude and judgement.Oh, I cope. The advice is for me to cope and change my mindset. Sigh.
>>34136284A cope would be hiding from reality or refusing to face it, while what I'm suggesting is that you turn away from illusions and back towards reality. Your job, your relationship, amassing money and whatever other materialistic pursuits you were engaged in were all copes. That's why they didn't work to make you any happier. Knowing that, it would be absurd to think that your solution comes from the same stock. You're going to have to turn away from the material and towards the immaterial. Or in other words, the path to happiness is to learn how to take pleasure in perfecting your own moral character. Happiness is won through the virtues and only the virtues, it never visits anyone in any other way. Even the hedonists of ancient Greece, who prioritized pleasure, knew that lasting pleasure was impossible without virtue.
Sounds badWhen I felt bad all the time, it was because I had low B12 in my diet. Try having more B12, might help.
