At first I didn't really care, but now I realize I wan t him to die. He was a drunk asshole for most of my life and it took years to get over his bullshit.He sobered up and softened up, but never did anything to make amends for the way he treated me. I don't even know if he remembers any of it because he was always pickled. Now the old negative feelings are coming back and I just want him to die so I can finally put all this bullshit behind me. Is that fucked up? Am I a sociopath?
it's obviously fucked up but not really all that surprising given what you mentioned, people wanting the people that hurt them to die is more common than anyone would like to admit
>>34140096they were both drunks and I was the scapegoat. I grew up feeling guilty about shit that was out of my control. I can't tell if this is just that coming back to the surface or if I'm really being a piece of shit.
>>34140093it sounds like a meme answer but you might want to look for a good therapist, they could probably help you answer those questions in a much more satisfactory wayyou could go see your father & try to get some closure with the time you still have, you might feel guilty/regretful if you don'teither way, it'll be over soon, so don't worry
>>34140100in fucked family situations like that, it's gonna be really difficult to have an objective view/hindsight of things, but a (non-retarded) therapist would know the right questions to ask in order to feel more confident/sure one way or the other
>>34140093It's completely normal>>34140096Pussy
>>34140093>Is that fucked up? Yes but only because you had a fucked up time with your father. >He sobered up and softened up, but never did anything to make amends for the way he treated me. If I were on your father's shoes, I'd hesitate to make amends too out of severe shame. To make amends would be to admit what I did and for something as large as fucking up the upbringing of my own son, I'd be too weighed down by shame to have the balls to initiate closure. I'd want to but I'd be too afraid.>I don't even know if he remembers any of it because he was always pickled.I'm an ex alcoholic myself. I don't remember the times I was pickled, what I do remember and do understand is the absolute waste of it all, the burden of worry and suffering I put on others in my self consumed alcoholism. He knows this as well I guarantee it.I don't think you're a sociopath. If you were, you'd neither be happy or sad that your dad is dying. You'd simply not care, and all of this shit would feel like just a change of weather, you'd not be affected or feel a thing. But you do feel afflicted with anger and resentment, rightly so, and I don't think this makes you a sociopath. What you are is a consequence of your father's poor life choices. I don't mean conceiving you and choosing to create you, I mean your current situation of wrestling with this shit is because of his life spent drinking, that was his doing. I don't think he fully knew what his drinking would lead to, but here we are. A dying man, a conflicted son, and a million miles of resentment and shame separating the father from the son during his last moment on this Earth. Ultimately what you do is what you gotta do. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. But if I were you, I'd try to get that last conversation, I'd confront him and ask him if he knows what damage was done and I'd give him that last chance to make amends. Because OP, he's dying. >Continued
>>34140194>ContinuedHe's dying OP. That doesn't mean "Oh poor him! I should drop my resentment for his sake!".It means he's dying. Any closure or answers you seek that haunt the core of your being rests with him. When he dies, they die, and you will never get the chance for reconciliation ever again, at least not in this life. You think you can wash your hands of it when he dies, but you won't. You will still live, you will still have nights where you can't sleep, moments where your thoughts roll over your mind like a fog. You will remember the past, and you will have as many unanswered questions and unresolved wounds on that day as you do today. And you won't be able to do anything about them, your father would be dead.Whether you forgive him or not is your choice, if you don't forgive him that's perfectly fine. What you should still do however is get the answers from him while he lives, not for his sake, but for your own. >Why did you drink so much?>What was so important in that bottle that it meant more to you than your family? Your son?>What were you running from?>Were you aware of how it affected me?>Did you mean to drown my childhood in your own malaise?>Did you know? Why didn't you stop? >Was I ever worth any value to you? Was I ever a motivation for you to stop?>Do you feel regret? Do you feel sorry for any of it?>Did you ever love me as a son even when you were hammered?Etc etc.Get the answers to those questions. If you do, you'll save yourself years, decades of carrying the weight of the bitter unknown. Something I wished to God I could have done when my own dysfunctional family members were dying.
