We met 1.5 years ago on a different online forum. I live in EU and she in the US. We started off as friends but I quickly caught feelings for her, but never really expressed them because I was fairly certain that she just wanted to be friends and I was okay with that (or so I told myself). We shared a lot of passions and views, humor and struggles and I saw a kindred spirit in her. One day she was in a terrible mood and said that she had a terrible fight with her boyfriend. She was hesitant to admit to me that she had a boyfriend, told me that she felt like she led me on, but well in my eyes we were just friends, so she didn't do anything wrong. I was there for her when she needed me, I listened to her talk about all the struggles of her life, tried to give her comfort. She eventually said that she had feelings for me too, that she loves me. The way she expressed her feelings felt like an exact copy of mine - she spoke of everlasting love, of love that would transcend our bodies, of love in which we would feel each other's heartbeats. I am, unfortunately the same way. I am, for the lack of a better word, obsessed with love and I want to give myself whole to one person. I know that it is unhealthy but I honestly don't know how to change myself.For maybe half a year, she made me feel like the most loved person in the world. This was while she was still with her ex. But unfortunately I am insecure and I wanted more certainty from her. She made me a lot of promises, that she would visit me first in february 2024, then in april 2024, then june 2024, then september 2024, then april 2025, then I don't even know. I guess I wanted more certainty from her, even though she did explicitly told me that she won't be able to get into a relationship immediately, she needs time to process her feelings and i understood that but i simultaneously felt lost as to how can she tell me that she wants to cut my name on her body but not meet me too.
Lmfao.
She often withdrew her love for me, didn't respond to my expressions of love, which i was partially okay with because she did tell me that she won't say it unless she feels it. I felt like she was paying less attention to me, never asking how I was, and I saw that she made a separate account on the forum we first met, to talk with other people. I of course assumed that she is tired of me and wants to replace me and we had an argument about it.I guess there were a lot of things leading me to feel like she was disinterested. She once sent me a list of 50 ~ small cute questions she thought would be cute to answer. I sent her my answers and she said she will send hers too but she never did. I think i brought it as an example of how i feel uncared for during one of our arguments and she said that she did write the answers in her notebook that she wanted to give me. When we first met, she said she wishes my birthday was sooner, so that she could give me a lot of gifts. She said she cried when i sent her my handmade things to her, drawings of her and cute things. She said she wishes that her boyfriend did the same for her, that she asked him for an even simple drawing, that it was the bare minimum he could do. But when my birthday came, she didn't do anything, twice. Of course she has a lot of things on her head, and i tried to understand it, but i just feel so awful knowing that she won't do the bare minimum for me. I just feel so awful. I want to give warmth and love, and i just feel like i am met with stone. I want to love her so badly, but it hurts me everyday. And i feel so selfish for it because she told me so many times, that she is busy, that she has an awful situation with law, with her family, with work. I feel so impatient but yet I waited almost 2 years now for her to keep promises. She is all I ever wanted but I don't think she wants me anymore. I don't know how to accept that the person that gave me so much love disappeared into thin air.
I don't know what to do, right now we haven't talked in 3 days, because she is hiding from the police. I am so fucked in my head. The worst thing I did was expressing my suicidal thoughts to her. I told her that I don't know whether life without love is worth it and of course that put a lot of pressure on her to love me even though she said she wasnt ready. I just felt so alone and starved for her warmth. Every time i feel bad about something unrelated, she gives me a lecture about how to act logically. Everytime she feels bad about something unrelated she did, I try to give her comfort and warmth. But she doesn't want warmth and I don't want cold judgment.
>>34144212>she made me feel like the most loved person in the world. >This was while she was still with her ex.Pick one.
>>34144222>we haven't talked in 3 days, because she is hiding from the police.Wait, what?
>>34144212Fag, you should talk to someone in 100km radius from you. At least be in the same country.
>>34144354She's an illegal>>34144222Story time about the police hiding and suicide threatiening, please. This should be interesting.
>>34144212>she did explicitly told meand you chose not to listen
>>34144768I don't know. I want to believe that I didn't expect a relationship from her, that all I wanted was for her to love me the same way she loves me. I could have waited for so so long as long she treated me the same. But after she broke up with him, she wasn't even as attentive to me as she was when we were just friends. Giving me few word replies, not sharing anything from her life. All the interactions depended on me. When I asked whether she would like to spend more time with me, she got angry that I am too demanding, too needy. I felt used as an emotional sponge for all the things her ex did wrong. I really don't know. It's true she did tell me she can't be in a relationship right now. That she is busy. Not only that, she did tell me that for her LDR doesn't feel like a real relationship so she will stop putting as much effort into it. She did tell me all that and i tried to listen, but each time she told me she loves me, it made me feel like it carried some weight. That you can't simultaneously love me and don't want me.>>34144363she is legal, she just has different problems with the police. And I don't know whether it was a suicide threat. All I said was that I don't feel like life without love was worth it. Of course, since i loved her, this put immense pressure onto her. But I was bottling this thought in me for so long. I even told her this like 2 days after we met, before we were in love.
TldrJfc grow a spineStop escaping your pathetic retard life by fantasising some dumb whore to come scoop you up and save you
>>34145567i dont need to be saved, I just wanted to be loved consistently.
