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How do I learn to love myself and stop denying myself actual justifications to defend myself and give my actions proper merit because my mind says that I’m just making weak excuses? Everytime my actions are questioned, I feel guilty and back down instead of explaining my rationale or perspective because it feels like anything even implying a contradiction is inappropriate and wrong. I feel like I have to hide my true feelings to validate others and often feel misunderstood, but I don’t want to correct people’s assumptions about me.
It always feels like I never say the right thing or my response is never satisfactory. I feel like it’s not even my fault because the other person seems to just make an assertion and won’t be satisfied if my response is inconsistent. I’m always aware of this because when I talk, I try to be as open-ended and non-accusatory as possible so that I don’t make any assertions or implications about others that would be crossing the line. But even that makes me feel ashamed because I’m really just being too afraid to commit and trying to play to all sides instead of being honest with myself.
I always convince myself that I’m in the wrong with everything, that my actions make no sense even when I know why I do everything I do, and that I should just know what people want of me immediately and that they know my needs best.

This programming feels really hard to beat when you’ve been apathetic and detached your whole life, and you’re told you can do something your way only to be criticized for it but then they get annoyed when you ask how you’re supposed to do something. Like how teachers say there are no dumb questions and then say “you should know this already” and humiliate you the one time you ask a seemingly legitimate question or just want clarification on something and you just feel like a dumbass for even opening your mouth.
It feels like I’ve been conditioned to seek permission before letting myself feel or do anything on my own.