Help me think straight.I've been in depression for 3 years straight. The choices I made during those years went nowhere. I burnt out all my tires now I don't see any way things get better in any way.>Childhood up to young adulthood: Parents control my life because they're emotionally dependent, socially retarded and had genuine trauma.Grew isolated.>Took antidepressants that fried reward circuits, became a Ryan Gosling character>Studied some shit I hated, young adulthood went into that and dropped it.>Choices I tried to make myself like studying something new failed. Now All I have is regret over wasted time and some voice inside my head telling me "You fucking retard, I told you, you can't be shit, you have to do as others tell you, you can't do fucking shit on your own, you're fucking nothing".And I can't fucking believe it. I can't believe that I'm fucking nothing, that my voice is worth nothing, that every shit I think is a fucking mistake. It feels I'm a fucking error. Somehow I became a fucking error when the only thing going on was getting pushed by others.I can list my beliefs, You will all laugh at them because they have no internal coherence. The only things that move me are porn and games.I have nothing to believe in anymore. Seems like the only choices I have are to rot, or to live as a puppet.How do you develop self compassion?How do you develop self esteem?How do you see anything to live for when this piss stank of Earth is nothing but scourging for resources and getting mindless drunk? I'm not even allowed to get drunk for fucks sake.
>>34207035Also. I'm desperate for help. Desperate to be heard out by someone. But I know these feelings are poison and nobody wants to deal with a whiny shit. I may not even get replies, but I can't go to my mother because I have already driven her insane. I don't dare go to the only two friends I have, I know they wouldn't have the compassion I'm seeking and, God, isn't shame the most fucking painful thing I have in this existence.It's always
yeah its really hard i get you. you should stop watching porn. do you have a job? purpose can help. try therapy too. hope you find happiness soon anon
>>34207035A person's worth comes from their moral virtues. If you want to feel valuable, all you have to do is make yourself valuable. There is no force on this earth that can prevent you from being kind, generous, compassionate, patient, loving and just. Men have gone to their deaths happily to maintain those ideals. You are the sole arbiter of your own moral conduct, which means you're the sole arbiter of your worth as a human being.
>>34207107I thought 3 reasons why I don't want to try the things you suggested but I know you mean well, so I thank you.>>34207165I can't hold the weight of moral virtue anymore. I feel betrayed by moral virtue, and feel like a dumbass for developing principles when that has driven me so far from thriving. It's been many things happening in my life chiefly bullying and misinformation. I believed as a kid it was virtuous to not have a girlfriend, to remain a virgin because sex was illegal and stigma around teenage pregnancies and infidelity. I didn't want to cause discord between my friends and pursue the girl they liked. I thought being in love with one girl forever was virtuous. I thought studying hard was virtuous. Being meek, not buying things, all that made family life constant, but all of that just harmed my individuality and potential.I became a doctor, got burned out after feeling deeply and giving my best service when they needed human machines. I feel indignation when I see cities developing instead of striving for conservation. It feels like things that were virtuous to me were sabotage, and things I consider the opposite of virtue are what people live by. I don't even know what's right to believe in anymore.Truly I don't intend to sound like an attentionwhore and I apologize for it. I am aware how much damage this site's culture did me over the years.
>>34207035I'm like you anon, getting a job helped. Felt too ashamed to step outside, like something was inherently wrong with my being, consumed by guilt whenever someone was nice to me...Got a job that forced me to wake up early every morning(5am), did a good job of distracting me for a solid 6+months, felt less depressed more productive although everything felt more repetitive. Being around people induced guilt and shame but it keeps you grounded and makes everything feel more real/and motivate you to progress(don't get caught up in comparing youself to others). Don't be idle, develop purpose, or something helping people, keeping something alive? Self esteem comes from being proud of yourself so dedicating yourself to learning a skill. If you genuinely can't find compassion and self esteem for yourself look for it in others, form and join a community. Looking and appreciating the small things in life makes everything feel insignificant and meaningless actions and suffering don't matter in the grand scheme of things, nature and humanity will move on
>>34207274If you can feel betrayed by moral virtue, then you never had it in the first place. You only truly love the good if you love it for its own sake. If you strove towards it for what you thought it could reward you, or avoided evil only through fear of consequence, then you didn't actually love righteousness and wisdom as they're supposed to be loved.Thomas More, being put to death despite his innocence, kissed his executioner on the forehead prior to the beheading and told him that he forgave him and that he shouldn't resent his duties. He wasn't sabotaged by virtue, because it's impossible to sabotaged by something that glorifies you as a man of inner beauty and dignity. The fact that he stood alone against corruption just made him shine all the brighter, so it didn't matter one bit what the rest of his society was doing. He made himself worthy, and that's a wonderful thing in and of itself.If what you're after is self esteem, then it can only come from the self. Esteem for wealth, status or success is esteem for those things, not for you. So any value and esteem you accumulate will absolutely have to come from your character, because your character is all that you are. Finding your own inner worth takes practice, meditation and a bit of studying, but I believe anyone can do it as long as they don't give up.
>saw thumbnail>*click*>realize I should not look at thumbnail>see massive wall of text>make this postgood luck with that bro>leave thread
>>34207391I guess I'm evil then.
>>34207373What kind of job? Did you ever see yourself getting a certain kind of job?What communities? I live in a low trust shithole to begin with.
>>34207391>>34207373Bros, tell me something different.Like I said, this shithole left a lasting impression on me. I started coming here as a teen when I was 15. Since I was gullible and obedient I took to heart lurking months before posting, and developed that sense of not writing something stupid or I would get shat on. 4chan was pretty much my only medium of expression for decades, to the point I would often think in english rather my own language.I developed a rather stunted way of talking, it's difficult to make casual small talk or jokes, much less spontaneously interject when talking with people.How do you practice talking without purpose?
>>34207843In the sense that happiness and goodness are synonymous, and that anyone who falls short of happiness also falls short of goodness to the same degree, yes. But it doesn't have to stay that way. You can work on yourself and grow to become happy, complete and good. It's just a matter of changing your values so that they align with the truth and then finding purpose in upholding those values.
>>34207035Your life is the result of the choices you made.Life sucks? Guess your choices were bad then.Life still sucks? Just keep making bad choices.Life really sucks? Just keep making bad choices.Get the point? The choices you are making are wrong. So - I guess I need to point out the obvious to you. When you are faced with a choice, what would you normally do? Now do the complete opposite.Does it still suck? yes - but it's a different kind of sucking. At least you're making progress elsewhere.
