My household has so much arguing. I am vilified for being mentally unwell (depression, adhd, suicidal, likely autistic.) I have long standing tensions with my mother, (due to me not taking her narcissistic verbal abuse, and due to her homophobia) and these tensions have bled over to my siblings. I have not involved them as per their wishes, but my mother has- needing people on "her side". Naturally in their eyes, her doing this is my fault. At least 2 of them want nothing to do with me because of this. They are indeed aware I am not mentally well.I had a panic attack today and hurt myself. This stemmed from trying earnest communication with my mom to express how I was feeling, how her actions effected me. It went poorly, she responded with hyper-defense and cruelty. She said that me wanting respect, is me needing perfection. In the end, she left, and I wound up accidentilly making a cave-in in the wall. Her total uncaring for my mental wellbeing had me despondent, not in my own head. Truly, she did not care. I told her I previously admitted myself and she didn't blink. The cave-in/hole in the wall, hat had me panicking more. I knew it would be latched onto as prime reason to treat me poorly. To shit talk and scorn me. I called 988 to no help. I need to get out of this house. I feel unsafe and unloved. I have little money, not enough for a place of my own. I also have an astounding 0 friends.What do I do. What can I do? I don't want to be alive in general. But I cannot stay in this house where I'm so hated. My siblings think I'm the biggest fuckup retard. My family who I longed to reply on for support and concern have little to none.To be realistic, what can I, should I do? I've calmed down from the panic attack and cleaned up blood. I'm sitting in fetal position on the floor. I'm such a burden to everyone. Text is from my brother. I don't have anyone, so when i was in the heat of the panic attack I tried texting him. I don't want him to hate me.
>>34273094The only way forward is to take responsibility for yourself and your character. You're the only person who can improve your mental health. It isn't something that anyone else can do for you, nor do you have the right to blame others when they react negatively to your negativity. If trying to escape blame and criticism hasn't gotten you anywhere, why not try accepting it instead and start working towards changing yourself and your attitude? If you were patient, humble, compassionate and generous then no one would have any cause to hate you, and you wouldn't have any enemies. And while you may not be able to change what you've already done in the past, you can change your behavior moving forward and try your best to become worthy of their forgiveness.
>>34273094Turn off brain and just do it at the point of no return. I stop feeling, no thoughts, just that he will not be here and will never live it. I will never let that future happen.
Finality clause. This or that. Just how it is. Good or bad.
>>34273113I don't really ever see or talk to the 2 siblings mentioned. 99.9% of the time I'm stable and normal. The chronic stresses reach boiling points. These end up looking like: me begging for understanding from my mom, sometimes my mom and dad. Our family does NOT talk about emotions, issues. I think that because I need to do so, I've been black sheeped.I never talk to my siblings like that, we weren't equipped with the emotional maturity to do so. Our relationships aren't deep like that.My mom choosing to involve them fucked everything up. We should have kept our problems between us.In this event, i believe the issue in my behavior was the anger at being dismissed again- the punched wall. I'm sorry. I know the day to day here can't accurately be described and you have no way of knowing how things really are. I believe myself to be a good, empathetic, loyal, well-meaning person. I try not to burden others. I feel immense guilt fir needing help. This is why the micro-aggressions have boiled up to this end, I think. Years of unnecessary hurtful thoughtless comments and the like. I'd finally reached a point where I could/had to express specifics to my mom and I was instantly turned away. I very much appreciate your comment.
>>34273132But I like my brother. I beleive we will move past this eventually. In my current state, the current tone of the household, I am unsure how or when we will get there. Our full exchange is hard to re-read. His tone changed from a bit detached, like, obligational concern ("I'm at work." "I dont know what you want me to do", "Should I call 911.") To being mean- after I mentioned that he too contributed in small part to why I was feeling so terrible. (Previous comments of his). I feel as though he felt called out and jumped to defense just like my mom. I just feel numb now.
No words change my mind. That future with that poison will never exist. Never should have been a part of our lives and took that from us. Nothing else matters to me.
>>34273150That's understandable, I know how deeply embroiled certain feelings can get when you're living with someone who isn't considerate. In my own experience, it helps a lot to view other people's discourtesy as an opportunity for increasing your own merit. Their rudeness gives you the chance to exercise humility, patience, detachment and self reliance. Rewards like those far outweigh any kind of abuse, so from a more absolute perspective they're actually doing you a great favor. I know it's not an easy mindset to adopt, and that it doesn't quite help you with your siblings, but I do think that working towards that mentality will help you bear the burden of your mom's behavior in the future. Anyone can have undisturbed inner peace as long as they work towards it diligently, so try not to set any limits on yourself.
I want to die
