>>34273958
Bump

>>34274421
Not unless you read it.

>>34273958
and here I was thinking I might be a narcissist...

>There's worse things
yeah, judging by what you write here, I would say you are evil. how evil depends on your actual actions, which you haven't described in depth.

>I'm not really successful in life all things considered
have you ever thought that your actions against people are what keep you from success, at least to some degree?
if you are unhappy, why would you do shit like this to other people? why would you want to make other people unhappy?

>>Try to appear honest as much as possible, so that when I lie people believe me without any qualms
of your list, this is the only thing I ever do, and maybe a bit of holding grudges.

anyway, I guess a solution or workaround would be to talk to a psychologist. give them this list as well as the list of "worse things". tell them you want to change but need help with that. what kind of psychologist? I don't know. some other anon might.

>>34273958
You're not evil. No human being is innately evil, and no human being is innately good or holy either. You're a human who does a lot of things we can say is evil, yeah, but when you dig deep enough you will find the reasons for doing them started from a place of neutrality, of survival, and not evil for evils sake. I know this because a lot of what you posted I could heavily relate to, particularly with social espionage and hurting others to see how they'd react. I used to even take joy in hurting others or complicating their lives, it made me happy. Thing was, it wasn't about them being hurt that msd me happy, wasn't even about feeling important or powerful either, though I used to think it was about that.

What it was ultimately about was I was in Hell, I was born in extremely fucked up circumstances. I had seen and experienced things no child should ever have to. My innocence was destroyed sooner than I learned to talk. I never thought anything of it, no self pity or hard feelings, because I'd normalized it and adapted to it. But the one thing I hated to see was other humans thriving in healthy and peaceful ways, It made me ask myself questions I never wanted the answers to. So I'd hurt them and get them to feel anger, hurt, pain, shame. And the part that made me happy was feeling less alone. Because I'd dragged them into the same depths I dwelled.

The reason I did this was because I didn't want to be alone. And the twisted truth was, I did it to people I liked or admired or envied, I wanted them to 'see' me, to maybe humanise me or help me. But I have a real crazy way of reaching out for that. I didn't know that's what I was doing at the time, but that's what I was doing. I wanted empathy and wanted to learn how to empathize but when you're from an insane and brutally violent and abusive upbringing, who can relate to you? Who can understand? In real life as a kid, very few. So hurting others is a maladaptive way to make people understand by force.

>>34273958
>Continued
So the question shouldn't be
>Am I evil? What's wrong with me?
It should be:
>Where did I learn what I do? What went wrong, what evil visited me?

Do it in a way that doesn't victimise yourself too much. Don't victimise who you are today, but for the child (you), the innocent kid years ago whose dreams were of playing outside, being a hero, excited for a happy meal, excited for Christmas.. find out what happened to him. Investigate as if it were a crime scene inside yourself. When you find out, pay your respects, hold a mental vigil for your lost innocence. Honour that part of yourself, and then resurrect him, remember who you wanted to be before you became wayward and fell, and begin to grow in places you forgot existed.

>>34274676
>have you ever thought that your actions against people are what keep you from success, at least to some degree?
Not really, I mostly leave people alone until they do something to me first. I would never go out of my way to do something to someone just walking on the street.

>have you ever thought that your actions against people are what keep you from success, at least to some degree?
>if you are unhappy, why would you do shit like this to other people? why would you want to make other people unhappy?
Because they do it to me, despite being happier or higher up than me on the social ladder.
Therapy has been entirely unhelpful, I've tried it for years and came to this conclusion myself.
>>34274758
I already know what went wrong with me, I had an awful upbringing and was abused since birth essentially. Nothing I can do to change or fix that, it's so far in the past I don't see how that could help me now when people unrelated to that harm me

>>34273958
You honestly just sound like a douchebag, its ok cause I'm one as well. Everything you listed is shit I've done or continue to do but I don't think I'm evil, I just know I'm a truly shitty person. Hell I reported a ex manager to ICE just because the faggot got me fired. That's how low I'll go if someone fucks with me and that lends credence into the fact that I'm just an asshole. *shrug*

I think I'm like this because I see society and the reality in it so why give a fuck about a mask or upholding someone else's morals? Live for yourself because we don't know how any of this shit ends.

>>34274758
How in the fuck do I do that? I would agree that there's a wounded kid in there somewhere, but its not like my mentality hasn't been tempered by shit that's happened also as an adult. I can resurrect the kid but that still doesn't erase the adult issues I've gained along the way.

File: 1761718882072613.jpg (135 KB, 656x1024)

135 KB JPG

>>34274906
Dude, the absolute best way to change your behavior and discover your true self is to remember your traumas, name them, list them, connect them as causes to your behavior, and to forgive yourself and your abusers so that you can move on without the past controlling you.

You are alone. You are not a real person, that is why you validate yourself by ovserving everyone else. I'm not a real person, either. No one will notice when I am gone. You become a real person by investing all of your time and energy into productive hobbies. You can use your stalker knowledge for good intentions. Detach all of your activities from the social sphere. Stop concerning yourself with others. Shut the world out and focus on yourself. Look inside and ask what are your desires and ambitions. Follow that fire.
What you are doing now is acting against others from the bitterness and spite of veing isolated and hurt, but you are wrong to think that there are not people who will love you. You have to seek their love rather than remaining in a malicious and melancholic bubble where you observe the world as an outsider.
Do something creative. Work with your hands, work with tools, and lose yourself in physical projects. Shut the social world out and focus on being creative, on developing yourself rather than trying to destroy others.
What they have, you can have to. It is called the will to power.

>>34274964
>How in the fuck do I do that? I would agree that there's a wounded kid in there somewhere, but its not like my mentality hasn't been tempered by shit that's happened also as an adult. I can resurrect the kid but that still doesn't erase the adult issues I've gained along the way

You're right, it doesn't erase them. That isn't the goal though, can't be done anyway. If you have learned: sadism, manipulation, hypervigilance, cruelty, ruthlessness, etc you can't unlearn them, they're going to be with you from now I til the day you die.

But the thing is you don't need to get rid of them, the process of growth for the wounded kid in you isn't to erase what you have become today, it is not about subtracting from who you are, it's about adding to who you are on top of what you already have. When you do this, sadism becomes hardiness, manipulation becomes persuasion, hypervigilance becomes awareness, cruelty becomes mercy, ruthlessness becomes determination. If all of the so-called bad traits you possess now were imagined as weapons, you still keep them. But you just flip them right side-up and wield them properly, they become understood against as neutral or even positive traits you can use in a new way to not only help yourself, but others if you so pleased.

>>34274964
>>34275092
As for how to do it, it's simutaenously easy yet difficult. You already know what to do and how to do it it's within you already. You don't learn or find how to know, its actually an act of remembering. You remember it by ruminating and reflecting on the void, the bad shit, you focus on all the 'bad' traits or behaviours you do. Then for each one, you acknowledge the polar opposites to them. As exampled, cruelty becoming mercy etc. they are the opposite. Yet they share the same root, the understanding of pain. Cruelty gives a rush because you know pain and deliver it. Mercy is knowledge of pain too but electing to relieve it from someone or sparing someone precisely because you know pain too.

It's this sort of process of understanding using the very same dark proclivities themselves. A portal where you can reach heaven from hell itself.

>>34275106
>>34275092
>>34274964
Lastly, it's hard because it comes with an existential crises. When you practice the opposites, you won't feel good. You won't feel bad, you won't feel much, if anything you may feel bored or annoyed. It will feel fake it may even feel like an insult or a liability to perform.

The golden trick is this: Action is what defines reality, nothing else. You can do good things without feeling a single thing, you can do them while feeling the complete opposite. You already know this much, you had said you got good at pretending to be virtuous but only as a means of emotional camouflage. So you already know how to do it. But this time you do it with the objective of having zero ulterior motives besides doing them because it's hard. You practice them like a muscle.

The more you do this the harder and harder it gets. You start to have that existential crises. Because they start to become real traits you start to realize you always had them, but they were charred to shit, shattered, and buried under immense baggage. All the things you went through in life, all the abuse and suffering, all the things you became numb to and normalized and stopped caring about they come back to life. You feel the pain of them again, as if you are that kid again, and the wounds all re-opened. The resurrection I spoke of is one where you will be kicking and screaming back to life. It's a very painful healing process. It feels like your mind is electrocuted, your veins are on fire and your bones are filled with acid. All the pain comes back at the same time and there will be a night where you genuinely beg for death. But if you see that through and come out of the other end, it's over, you win. Because what you would have done psychologically is remove a very old a rusty dagger out of your soul. Then things like empathy and innocence and hope and actually being able to smile without it being faked becomes real again. It's a mind fuck. But it is possible, brother

goran ti si be

>>34273958
It seems that you have been sheltered from real world, in a comfy existence rounded with nice, kind humans that were easy prey and you never have to confront the consequences of your actions.

You have never found real evil people, worst than you, people capable of hurting you in a significant way, and also allow you to see yourself mirrored on them.
This kind of experience could make you reflect and change your attitude in society.
Joining the military could help you improve your actions, or at least, be in a environment where your existence is objectively not a source of torment to others.

You just sound bored and like you don’t have your own hobbies so you just want to start shit with people. Find something worthwhile to take your time.

ur brain just developed this way because u probably learned these concepts (like morals and lying) in your own way instead of like the "good" people. you dont actualy care to be nice nor u care to be evil. you have trust issues because you think everybody is like you and that keeps you from building genuine relationships. ur not evil. u just have a lot of spare time. try to hold onto something. and in no way am i saying this to attack you. we are all like that. you think nothing maters because u dont have a life that matters to you.