The last one hit the bump limit, so I made a new one.
Happy Caturday anons!
What's a healthy outlet when the feeling of needing to plunge a knife in ones own stomach comes along?
I don't know what I want.
>>34318816I think you need to call a suicide line right away. It's at the top of the page.
manifesting you . ݁+ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁⋆˙⟡. ݁+ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ + ݁.
>>34318841Abracadabra!
>>34318833Nah I'm not at risk of suicide at all, I just get a sense sometimes that feels unquenchable that a twisting knife fits lol. It's subtle enough to not be debilitating but it's still tiresome. I think it might be the emotional sensation that accompanies an unfullfilled desire or something. Not sure though.
>>34318894Or maybe I'm just being gay lol. Things are pretty good I've got nothing to complain about.
>>34318894That's a relief! Though you words things well. Do you journal?
>>34318911>Do you journal?I don't, but I do feel compelled to record thoughts and ideas sometimes. I don't think they are particularly special, but then again, beyond what I can guage from the internet I'm maybe very self refferential. I tend to just type them out into a note or something. Maybe I should take it up.
>>34318941I recommend journaling, just to get all those ideas out, everything out, anything out. It's very freeing the more raw your writing is.
I hate you. Your heart is disgusting.
I am ugly
>>34319097Not true.
>>34319029Same likewise
He's way better than you in every way.
i HATE womeni LOVE kittiesi WANT childrenwe need artificial wombs now>>34319169and you're nowhere near as good as you think you are.
I found an occult master to make me her apprentice and learn skills like divination but she ghosted me after I paid her
>>34319235That’s your first lesson, unironically
improoving just made me a bigger misanthrope. now that i'm jacked, have friends, get occasional casual sex, etc. did every plebbitor thing they tell inkwells they need to.but every interaction just reminds me of how shallow everyone is.i was just at a get-together earlier today and this girl wouldn't stop following me. she was homely, kind of heavyset, but while i humored her a tiny bit to be nice i couldn't stop thinking about how she would have been visibly uncomfortable if the me from two years ago so much as looked at her.life feels super bleak now. it sucked before, when i was lost/confused as to why people wouldn't invite me to shit or text me first or speak comfortably around me, but if these are the two options irdk why i shouldn't just off myself lmao
>>34319103Thanks anon
>>34319214I like this anon, you vent/say what I want to say. I like dogs/puppies too. I don't think artificial womb would be a good thing, desu.
>>34319238I hope to find another teacher soon. Once I get a grasp of the future and what is to come I won't fall for things like that ever again
>>34319250Brother here is a free lesson: the universe is mental
>>34318790you too
>>34319235I wish I had no conscience and could just scam dumb people like this.
Prospective gf finally asked me my dating "lore" after weeks of talking and I had to reveal never actually having a gf but just a couple failed talking stages at my big ageHopefully she still fucks with me
>>34319278That’s the basic premise of occultism
>>34319169Who is he? Sheldon Cooper?
You replied to someone else asking the same small talk question on how you are doing but ignored mine on purpose.
>>34319335Look, I'ma be real with you, I thought I fumbled you. So I don't want to waste either of our time.
>>34319343its not you.
>>34319360Okay. Cool.
it's over.
>>34319375No
>>34319398Source?
give me a sign you care even as a friend
>>34319411I wish this was for me.
You're the reason I believe love.
>>34319287Update: she doesn't care and actually fucks with me heavier now for getting more personally in depth I'm getting close, bros
>>34319422Speak normally mf
>>34319697It was actually a typo.
>>34319699You’re so gay, just say what ypu mean fr
>>34319701I was quoting a song.>You're the reason I believe in loveYou could probably find it with the fix.
>>34319706Allah smite this fag down
>>34319709Won't happen, your "God" is impotent. If he tries, I can make him more impotent than he is now.
first week after the breakup and I've:deleted all of her photosbeen running 5k everydayintroduced myself to various meetup groupsorganized my closet for the first time in forevergone to places ive always wanted to but couldn't with herit still hurts thinking about her bros, but i think im doing good
doing better than me. 1 year later and still think of them, and how she toyed with me through messages to keep me in reach but i did not forget what was said when she broke my heart. That didnt stop until I had to go no contact, only for her to reach out again and now, but it looks like she has moved on from me as i get ignored completely. i am happy for her, i wont ever recover.
there is nothing i have to look forward to anymore
It sounds unbelievable, but I once had a girlfriend who tried to steal my semen. It was one of the last times I saw her, and I ended up getting sick. I fell asleep early, and I must have been sleeping pretty hard.Last I remember before falling asleep, we were in my sister's guest room. There was no bed, so we had a little bed made up on the floor with our heads against the wall, laying side to side. I don't know how long I was asleep for, but i woke up and I was completely rearranged. I was then laying parallel to the wall, my feet and legs laying over where she would have been sleeping. She had her back against the wall, with one leg underneath mine and one over top and she was having sex with my unconscious body. I did not and was not able to give consent.I think she was trying to baby trap me, not so we'd stay together, but so she'd have a child support check. I was pretty close to completion, so I have no idea how long she had been going, 2 minutes or 20. I really don't know. She gave me some poor helpless girl kind of response>do it for meOr some shit like that. Didn't even take account for her actions. I don't think I finished, but we broke up days after that, and within a month after she was pregnant. I really don't think her kid is mine, there's a 2 or 3 week discrepancy, but I saw her in public once after that and her kid looked really white. She was black, and her new man was a Mexican, so maybe he was a light skinned Mexican.I heard from her once after that, when she called me and said she had hpv.
23 M.How am I supposed to find a gf?Tried dating apps for a little bit, but I got nothing at all. Granted my pictures weren't great but I have no faith that getting it right will change anything.I was a nervous wreck in highschool so I got no bitches.In uni I asked out 3 girls, struck out all three times.Now I work at a bigbox store and have met a total of 2 people since graduating last year. Both women, both already dating.I'm tired of being single
>>34319773>and how she toyed with me through messages to keep me in reachSkill issue. You had false expectations and got attached like a retard.
>>34320139false expectations that I wanted to be treated as friends and not as a lover without the commitment from them after half a decade, attached yes.
i couldnt give what you wanted
>>34320160?You wanted to be treated as a friend?
I love him. I didn't know I could feel like this. I have never been beautiful, but he makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world, and I must be pretty damn close if I get to be with him. God, please let him feel the same way I do.>>34319639I'm happy for you, Anon. Keep it up, I believe in you two.
>>34320251Yes? They broke up with me, i wanted to keep as friends but they would continue messaging me things and plans that couples do as if the break up didnt happen so i had to go cold, go away, leave for awhile. Now we are not even friends.
>>34320108Accept that you are not meant to have a GF unless you have a drastic change in your lifestyle.Your lifestyle simply lead you to what you are now - GFless
>>34320353That's wierd
I hate daylight savings time, politicans just want us to die and have aliments
>>34320375Youre telling me it is why the thoughts linger, all mixed signals just messes with me
I crave empathy and comfort. I'm jealous when I see others receive it "instead" of me. But when I do receive it, all I feel is disgust. I don't want to need it. I don't want another person knowing and agreeing that I need it.
>>34320394Cptsd?
>>34320389Limerence and probably still love them despite the break up
>>34320407Yeah probably lmao
>>34320389>all mixed signals just messes with meAre you a autism? Whenever i text a girl, i only do mixed signals to make her remember me more.
>>34320431They will always have a place in my heart but i accept it is over>>34320453Probably, someone telling you that they dont want to hang out, break up with explicit statement everything is through , then in the next month want to play a videogame or plan for an international trip, sending old familiarities is the kind of examples. where I take peoples word as literal and obliged might be tism, and getting contradicting ones makes my head spin.
>>34320353I went through this shit with an ex too, he's the one that dumped me but then would not stop acting like we were still together. And any time I called him on it he'd try and flip it like I was trying to win him back, when I'm out there putting razor wire around the friendzone I was trying to contain him in. Drove me fucking crazy. We're also no longer friends.
>>34318739I fucking love rice bunnies and big booba.Oh God above the heavens. Give me land and property in Taiwan. And send me cute Asian servants to cook and clean while I read manga and play with my Minecraft Lego. Ameeen
Ah, humiliationNot only is she getting married, I'm asked to put money on a gift for her. Good lord.
>>34320488I like you and i hate you
I'm super boring so no woman is interested in the relationship I can offer, despite having my life put together. I'm honestly ok with that, because my experience has taught me that women seem to enjoy creating turmoil where there otherwise isn't any.
>>34320890Become a rapist, create their own version of turmoil
>>34320915This. Rapists are interesting
>>34320915Nah I need a clean rapsheet for my job, killing is more fun than raping anyways.VerificationNotRequired
gf recently started planning our future and put us in her home state despite me having long ruled it out (though admittedly I was entertaining the idea of switching careers and maybe living in her home state for a few years for her to go to law school). I ran the numbers and told her yesterday it was not economically viable and now she just frowns and stares in silence and only speaks in response to me without ever starting conversation
>>34321047Does she have a job/earn money, or does she feel like she's trapped because of finances out of her control?
Townsends said umami in a video. Japanese whiteness confirmed.
Urrrghhhhhhph...... Heil Hitler..... wew, that's better.
I really don't like the sensation of stagnation. I'm 20 and my life has been nothing but my house and my computer with astonishingly little variation ever since I was 14 years old. 6 years of nothing. You can do a lot with a computer, there's a lot you can learn, so my opportunities are far from void, but without even a car to drive, no small amount is walled off. It is what it is, but it creates a frustration that could only be quickly released in the blood of multiple self inflicted stab wounds. Not that I'd ever do that.
>>34321247Next 10 years are key. You will have opportunities, prepare yourself mentally to see them and at least try to take advantage of them.
>>34321288I don't know if I'm long for this world anyways. I pray my faggot life will not have been in vain.
The proverbial act of reving up a chainsaw and falling chest first on it.
I miss her so much it's unreal. I don't think I'm gonna make it.
The proverbial act of negligently discharching a brown bess while seating it's lead ball.
Having an argument with myself right now.
Yeah I'm thinkin get behind me satan etc etc etc. I've got a job to do. Lord have mercy.
Just do a few curls it will balance itself out. Alright that's enough from me for now.
The act of resting a 1911 upon the brow in the 5th stage of greif.
>>34320885thats ok i like and hate me too
>>34321598Would make some good art peices. Unfortunately my creative spark is difficult to cleanly translate to paper and I'm ashamed of self expression.
Sense of community has gone out from the world, barring the most niche of places. I live in a dead world. Culturally slaughtered by malignant agents.
I'll never sui on principle, but life will never cease to make it's arguments. Sometimes I feel what I'm pretty sure are psychosomatic pains. I feel sometimes like my heart just wants to die in my chest. I feel a yearn for a release like suicide but I know suicide doesn't actually promise any release at all and that it's a dangerious delusion. I don't know if I beleive in hope, in a general sense, and in the world around me it seems a cruel and disgusting myth that serves to torment the yearning. Where's the out? Where's the releif? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7Z9tXJajbkhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOuCKjNF3Ro
>>34321857Fuastian persuits have not ceased, but what horizon do we set our eyes on now? Where am I to go? These are the kinds of questions that on the deapest levels, hiding behind every layer of facade in ones being, leaves them wanting to blast themselves and fucking die.
im getting butterflies just from the thought of seeing you tomorrow
>>34319287>>34319639Happy for you. I'm 28 and my dating experience consists of a few awkward first dates that went nowhere, and a hookup with a fat girl in college.I'm incredibly ashamed of my lack of dating history and sexual experience. As a result I've created an entire history of past relationships and hookups. I'm a decently attractive guy with a successful career, and most of my problems with women are deep seated psychological issues from my childhood. Nobody has ever called me out for making up these girlfriends. I don't go out of my way to brag about past conquests, but it does come up in context. I legit have bonded with male friends about past breakup experiences I never had.I'm terrified that one day I'll have a wife who realizes she's the only woman who has ever loved me. Then she either feels betrayed or sees me as a loser, and dumps me either way.
I wanted to kill myself almost my entire life.When I was a kid, my parents were mentally ill, addicted to alcohol, and fought during the night. I just wanted a happy family, but they couldn't get it together and got a divorce.I started wanting to die, but never followed through. My mom and dad refused to talk to each other, and it kills me because I just wanted a happy family.They both tried to get me to disown the other, and started resenting me for treating them equal. They would get angry with me, yell at me, and threaten to beat me.Because of the dysfunction, I never tried in school and got bad grades. I got older and barely passed high school. I ditched college and regularly skipped out on shit jobs.I survived by living with each of them off and on in adulthood. I always wanted to improve my life and live on my own, but I end up wasting time on the internet all day, or just sleep all day.I can't believe it's been 30 years, and deep down I still want to kill myself. I don't know how to stop. When I was a teen, my mom took me to a counselor, who told me I was just being lazy and I need to be grateful, even when I was getting screamed at and threatened.Nobody really understands me, and I just want to die.
I really wish I could someday produce something that I'm proud of instead of just being a mindless consumer of media/content.
>>34321047You don't live in the same state?
>>34318790Hey that’s my job
>>34322124I wish you were Elon Musk's child so you would stop hurting yourself.
Bless you, Im not yet wise
>>34322131You should learn an instrument!
I want to kill myself
i fucking hate women so god damn much and we need artificial wombs now
>>34322375That's retarded?
>>34322124>my mom took me to a counselor, who told me I was just being lazy and I need to be gratefulSounds like projecting.Just remember that some counselors are absolutely shit at their job, and sometimes you just need a 3rd opinion.
>>34321443Who's winning?
>>34322508I... I think me........!!!!!!!
>>34318739Listen, you guys keep spamming me. You're harassing ME. I got evidence of that
Nice. My 18 year old niece is following in her mother's footsteps of dropping out and moving in with her equally as retarded boyfriend. And to add salt to the wound, she told his family God knows what about us and now they think they're protecting her from an unsafe environment when in reality, she's special needs and doesn't have the first clue about living in the real world or earning a living to survive. The Irony is she only felt unsafe when the internet got cut for a few hours. No abuse at all, she's never even been grounded by us. And in a weeks time she's going to be pregnant and without a hs diploma or any real direction in life, and we're the unsafe influence in her eyes.
Tips on navigating the fact that I may never know peace on Earth?
>>34322743I don't mean that in some gay all encompassing sense, I just mean in my own life.
>>34321047nvm she got to a good part of her cycle today and got cuddly. Guess she accepted it>>34321050she does, but she’s realized that she and I (who makes much less than me) make far, far, far less than her parents did and feels that she’s lost her elite status>>34322143we’re in the same US territory but we’re not going to stay here
I want to complain about people I know but the things I want to complain about are so unique and specific that I am convinced it will somehow make it out from here to them and they'll know I had the audacity to talk shit instead of confronting them. I've avoided confrontation with anyone my whole life.
>>34322859Same
>>34322387No you definitely do not.
>>34322631It's possible.
I don't know why I even bother to think about the future when RIGHT NOW I'm already living in the promise of doom and hopelessness. There is no future to operate based on. Only stress and infinite avenues through which all things in this world promise to take from me and annihilate me with no justice in the cosmos. I am already dispensible in the eyes of the forces which have the power to take away my future and use me. I hope it's less over than I think, but that's not going to delete the stress of knowing the days grow shorter until some inevitable fucking doom. This world is raped and it's going to Hell. The end times are around the corner.
I don't know what catharsis I think I'm getting ranting into this shithole, or who I think will hear my worthless words.
I wish the words even carried weight, but to say there's literally no hope, is so fucking normal now, it doesn't even carry water. Nobody on Earth even finds it "strange" anymore to have that mentality, and it certainly is not strange. That's proof we are living in Hell. There's no catharsis on this bottomlessly evil canyon into Hell. It's systems serve to do nothing more but punish the innocent ceaselessly.
>>34323039>>34323046Try drinking a glass of water. Also try inhaling for six seconds, holding for 7 seconds, and exhaling for 8 seconds. Also try noticing 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Now that you've collected yourself, try troubleshooting inside yourself to see what is wrong as succinctly as possible. It may be multiple things with branching possibilities if you are panicking, as this can cause the nervous system to become overwhelmed.
Im 23M and quite successful for my age, I own a house, i work a nice job, and I'm tall. I don't say any of this to brag I just say this to give background. I cant seem to keep anyone as my friend, I haven't had a girlfriend since I was 19 and she was an online gf. Everyone I talk to I eventually become annoyed with them to the point that I just distance myself from them, I haven't talked to another person in an actual engaged conversation in forever. I dont hate other people, but I dont know how else to put. I find most people to be wearing a mask when they talk to me, and when they reveal some real sense of who they are I notice it and I become immediately disinterested in them. Im not anxious about interaction but the interactions I do find myself in I end up finding some element of the person I hate. My problem is I don't know how to solve this, if it is a problem to be solved. I'm not in college so finding people of similar interests or girls to talk to seems like an impossible hill to climb. Ive met girls on hinge but most seem to be boring or greedy (Not saying I need a girl to 100% align with me a la "trad wife" bs) but I think people should find someone to love. Ive done the partying and going out to drink and 90% of the time the girls you meet are more trashy then they lead on to be. Pretty much all I do now is go online and illegally download tv shows and music and spend my money on books.
>>34323065I used to be able to fathom the future. I remember once when I was a child being able to exist in a relative bliss, though I've been the subject of abuses by this world ever since the single digits. The idea of the future, something which once was inherently laced with promise, was in a manner of speaking, raped out of me, multiple times, and I can remember one of them, a moment where I effectively internalized doom. How terrible is that? Since I was 15 I have not beleived in a future for the world. The very thought of the world and it's future has never been anything but the blackest, most bleak, numbingly terrible and hopeless thing. Even in the most generous idea I could possibly muster, I know nothing but terrible things, wage slavery bare minimum, because what I've known has formed what I know can be, and the mystery is gone. Prefigurements of the potentiated loom over me, and I can't argue with them, I can't change them, I have no power in this world, nobody does, and even those scattered who would share my sentiments don't, and are systemically precluded from it. I know there's no future for the nation I'm in, and I don't beleive global hegemony will allow for it anywhere. I want to delude myself, but how can I when even my own life is on the bought time of the U.S. government because I was given a certificate of live birth slave contract and genitally mutilated out of the womb. I would like to think I'm being retarded, but I know that to at least some degree, I'm not wrong. The robbery of my future was already decided by forces far from me, far above me, that I will never know. I'm too numbed to even be deaply bothered by the fact I'm the sort the U.S. governmen drafts, sends to a desert, and had bled out in the burning sand for nothing and no-one but some jews. How fucked up is that, that this notion is as normal to me as the air I breathe? I could try to be shocked, but I know I have no power, what would it serve?
>>34323117I am kind of rambling and maybe it's not sensible, so please forgive me. Still, these things bother me and I'm oppressed by them.
>>34323117>>34323121Maybe I concern myself too much with the devils madness, but every day I live is with the undertone of hopelessness, impending doom, and vanity. Literally every day that I wake up I wonder how much closer we are to nukes going off or something like that.
I must confess I'm being a bit retarded. Even to the extent it's not so bleak, I then, also know, that I'm in a world full of CEASELESS lies on an industrial scale. How can the world even continue like this? Who benefits?
I'm retarded. Advanced levels of retarded.
>>34323099If you can't maintain a deep relationship with another person, then don't.It's ok to just be a friend that only nod their head when they meet each others.
Forgive me, my blabberring does the oppossite of help anything and potentially makes things worse for others who would read it. I apologize. It's a very foolish and bad habbit of mine, solidified with insane amount of repetition and it's blinded me. The least beneficial thing of all for anyone and anything would be what I'm doing. I just don't know what TO do.
I legitimately apologize if, like a virus, by posting my shit, I've disturbed anyone elses peace. Anyways thanks >>34323065 for that adice. I'm not really "panicking", but that does help me to be more mentally sober.
Got a new GM at work and he really quickly started to seem to have it out for me, lots of micromanaging and talking to me like I haven't worked this bar for 6 years. Only two weeks in and suddenly he receives a complaint "from someone" that I "said or did something" that made a female coworker "uncomfortable". Refused to say if she made the complaint but made vague mention of a third party. Got suspended immediately and basically perp walked in front of all my coworkers right before the night's big rush was about to start.Crazy thing is I've worked with this girl for almost 4 years now and we get along pretty well. She's cute, sure, but I never once did or said anything close to flirting with her. One she's almost 10 years younger than me, two she's not exactly my type anyways. But we got along great and for a while people thought we were siblings and we even played in to that. But now two weeks in to a new GM that has a hate boner for me and suddenly I've harassed her bad enough to warrant immediate suspension and HR mediation? Yeah, ok.I'm not mad at her, she's young and a woman and probably got pressured in to this process after casually saying I annoyed her. Shame when this is all over I am telling everyone what happened and while I might not blame her some others might stop trusting her.
>>34323180And of course I got told not to talk with coworkers about it, but the other bartender that suddenly got all my shifts obviously asked and also told me literally everyone is talking about it and no one, not even other managers, knows what happened.
>>34323039>>34323117Current generations have it so much worse than I had back then.90s were so hopeful as a kid with so much new technology & discovery each and every year.
I wonder what she's up to
Everytime something great happens to me, I sabotage it.I almost immediately start thinking of how it will end. My first job that wasn't retail, I got hired at a really cool job, and all I could do all day was wish for the company to go out of business.I even made a management position at a newer company for myself, making 3x the salary I'd usually make at other jobs and although I was there for 3 years, took on opportunities to grow, traveled the world on the companies dime, I still ended up shitting it all away, playing video games instead of doing anything useful for them.Recently I even had a great girlfriend whose family accepted me, offered to support me while looking for a job and I left her for another girl.This new girl was the best woman I ever met, and although I had plans to marry this new one, we were in a difficult situation where she had to return to her country. I found many ways to see how she was doing things wrong despite being an amazing woman. I often experience deep bouts of depression where I just start crying uncontrollably or I yell very loudly. I watched my mom die about 4 years ago from a slow death from cancer, that's probably the source of my grief, but I remember feeling liek this before that.
My heart is only for you and I'm keeping my promises to you.
Why am I so prone to becoming ungreatful and bitter? It's so stupid. I hurt myself and probably others in subtle ways when I do. Love does not sprout from a lack of humble gratitude, but when love is present all if forgiven. You can't argue against love.
this mf is probably talking to other girls omfg im going to relapse
Patience is in line with direct communication and follow through
like he dont want a relationship with me and just pushes me away, but posts his discord for somone?? holy fuck
The older I get the more I lose respect for young people which is really wild to me. Not in a >You goddamn whipper snappersor>Get off my lawn fuck you for being young!way, but more so>Man I'm so sad about my bf / gf or ffs when girls complain about their """"situationships"""" which is just them giving a guy they know doesn't like them access to their bodies. None of you young people have made any real decisions, or dealt with needing to run an errand after a 10 hour shift because nobody else is going to do it for you. None of you have found something you enjoy enough to keep doing that builds up your confidence irrespective of other people.The great filter is when you reach 28, and you hit that hurdle of "wow, provided I don't die, I'm going to be going to work and going shopping for bullshit for the next 50 years?" You're not a real person until you're 28, I'm sorry. 18-21 year old romances don't need anything and you're dumb for thinking it was ever going to last. You don't know more than 5 people in your life who've been with the same person since young adulthood. Why would you have been different? >>34323435No offense. Sorry that happened.
>>34323451none taken. God bless you anon <3
>>34323451>You don't know more than 5 people in your life who've been with the same person since young adulthood. Why would you have been different?we were supposed to have been different we loved each other fuck you she was everything to me
I had to get back up and have 5 more beers because I was having high anxiety and high heartrate after trying to go to sleep after only 13 beersI guess I should consider rehab like my therapist and psych keep suggesting at this point Don't start using alcohol to cope bros, it doesn't turn out well
MShe is everything to me -M
>>34323427the raped
>>34318739i tried my best to better myself for her (gym, eating habits, etc) and she still chose a twink with curly hair. Now they are probably all lovey dovey and im here wondering what i did wrong. The dude didint have to lift a finger, she threw herself at him.
>>34323435Where did he share his Discord?
>I am naturally drawn to the Sun
