It happened yesterday, it was very sudden and unexpected. My relationship with him was very complicated, we didn't always get along with each other and our last conversation was an argument over something stupid and petty. He was very abrasive and didn't sugarcoat things even on my university graduation day he was reluctant to say he was proud of me, I guess this was his way of showing love. He wasn't a particularly religious man at all and neither am I (though I wish I was) but it is so so fucking painful knowing that I let my father die thinking his son was a complete and utter failure of a human being. He never told me he was proud of me, not even once in my life. Now I have to sort through all his paperwork and documents that he left behind. How do you cope knowing you let down your parent and there's no way to ever make it up to them?
>>34318884I kind of get the impression you want us to hate your dad and reinforce your feelings of hate in the replies so you will feel less hurt, don't do that. You may come to regret it later.Do you genuinely think you did nothing worthwhile or nothing to be proud of? Even though he didn't show it, he probably still loved you.I'm sure he would be happy if you turned his death and the realization you speak of that followed into determination and push you to achieve things to be proud of.You can't make up, but all you can do now is do what you think may have made your father proud. Not for him, but for yourself.
>>34318884Even though your dad is not still here, you can still talk to him and show him you're not a failure, he just can't reply himself. If you can imagine what he would say it's even better.This is how I dealt with trauma that I can't ever change. I imagine going back and handling it differently. I show myself that I could handle it now.This is also how they tell children of narcissistic parents to deal with some healing. They will not respond to you in the way you want, but you can have the conversation AT them that lets you say everything you want to say.Basically you can still make your dad proud even though he's not here. You may not be religious but you don't have to be. It can be real in your mind.Yeah, on one hand, you're not religious and you don't believe he can *really* see. But on the other hand you believe he's really gone for good, so does that really matter?I think this is why a lot of people visit graves and talks to their loved ones. I think maybe this is part of the origin of religion. It's a very effective healing method, and you don't have to believe to use it. I don't believe that I can really travel back in time to my traumatic moments but it has healed me.
>>34318905>I kind of get the impression you want us to hate your dadnot really to be honest. Despite how rocky our relationship was, I do love my dad. I wish things were better between us towards the end.
>>34318884You ain’t let nobody down. Come on now. Dads are buttholes because they want better for you than it was for them. He’d want you equipped without him. A little hate is a necessary ingredient.
>>34318884Jesus loves you, and your dad lives on, hopefully in heaven. you can be with him some day.
>>34318884You DID NOT let him down. He failed you and himself. He saw all the things in you that are admirable (like your graduation) but some failing IN HIM made him unable to acknowledge them. Remember him with pity, as someone who not only denied you love but denied himself the joy of loving.
>>34318884Op watch "my dad's porno tapes" on YT. I know the title is fucking terrible but it's just clickbait. It's a 13 minute short documentary and I think you may take some things from it that may help you feel a little better or put things into perspective. I'm sorry for your loss, I'm terrified of losing either of my parents suddenly. I don't have a great relationship with my mom but love her so understand somewhat.I think what everyone is saying is probably true, your dad probably was proud of you anon. The cycle of abuse is exhausting, please watch that video. You graduated university, that's a big deal and many parents never see their kids reach this milestone, even if it was a meme degree.Overall if you are happy, I am sure that's what he ultimately wanted. Don't let your last conversation haunt you either, things happen. You need to forgive yourself as well, so begin to work on that.
>>34318884By realizing he wouldn't fix his own flaws and passed them on to you. You can be stronger than that, you owe him nothing.
>>34318884If he wanted you to remember him fondly, he could have acted in a way that you would remember fondly. Remember him for who he was, and don't beat yourself up for not having a relationship that he did not cultivate.
>>34318884He forgives you
>>34318884>How do you cope knowing you let down your parent and there's no way to ever make it up to them?sometimes I get these great shuddering sobs that come out of nowherescreaming at the sky helpsbut ultimately you need to make them proud in spite of them being deadI can kinda forget about the weight I carry while I'm walkingbut I've never been able to drop it
>>34318884OP do yourself a solid: Become a father yourself. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but some day. Find a good woman, drop a baby in her, and then watch what happens inside your soul. When you see the pregnancy test strip that your woman playfully revealed in some half-cooked surprise. Feel what that feels like to see those two faint lines on the test strip and the words reading "Pregnant" on the shitty little screen that's barely readable.The absolute thunderous elation and pride a man feels that day is indescribable. It either sets a man into expressive unconfined joy, or it knocks him speechless and silent for days, weeks swimming in terrifying but ecstatic wonder.Nothing ever in life comes close to that feeling, not even marriage or proposing or getting your first girlfriend or your first car or your first kiss. Absolutely. NOTHING. Your father felt that for you, because of (you). He vowed to work his ass off to prepare for your arrival, too. And if he wasn't a working man, he would've hustled hard to get it done. Every man does this, no matter if they're a honest man or a dishonest man. They find a way, the lock in and provide in any way they know how. Your old man probably had the look on his face when he saw your first baby scan too, seeing you as a fetus moving around in black and white ultrasound. His eyes fixed on you, counting every detail, trying to figure out what the numbers might mean. Calculating in his head with numbers of his own: How to make sure you live well. The late night pillow talks with wife. Speculating on who you will be, who you could be, who you should be. He settled on "happy". But also "strong". He probably ranted your mom's ear off about the state of the world, and began identifying enemies who may pose risk to his unborn son. People or patterns or whatever.He saw you climb out of mom, or removed from mom. The man heard your very first utterance: a crying scream. And he called you "son".
>>34327589>>34318884>ContinuedAnd he did all of this because he wanted to. Because he loved you. He always did, you absolute fool. He is your father and always will be, even if he could never say it. His actions did, because his actions are the reason you exist. He knocked up your mom and worked to make sure you never went hungry. That was on purpose and he did it through happiness sadness anger or illness, he did it again and again and again. He'd do it again too, because he stubbornly sticks to what he chooses. He chose to be your dad. You don't choose him, but he chose you. That's how you can know he loved you man.
