i need to know how to better accept the fact that i am a horrible person.21, still living at home with parents and stacking bread but i have always been a bitter, selfish, back of the class kid who nobody fucked with. insane anger issues, broken tv's, walls, etc since i was a child and i'm honestly still the same. since graduating high school i have destroyed multiple friend groups:had to cut off a friend i met at college because he got too clingy and dependent due to his romantic feelings towards me, thus entire liberal friend group exiled me as wellfor five years i have been on and off with a girl who my family and friends hate and vice versa, from doxxing her to breaking a necklace out of anger, needless to say we dont talk anymore.three of my other closest friends have distanced themselves from me, they dont want to associate with someone who does not respect themselves and continually goes back to a toxic relationship despite me claiming "this is the last time"angry outbursts in public, i am a racist, have questionable views on women, ex gf's family never liked me from the start, most likely could sense that i was a fucking sociopath from the start, just from my vibe and everything they say about me is true. (i tell people what they want to hear, i am a coward, i am all talk and a genuine pussy)home life is perfect, parents loving, and always speak the truth to me and have given me mostly everything, so it's not like i come from a broken home or anything, i am just born this way.is change even possible? it's gotten to the point now where i cannot go into public without wanting to hide in a bathroom or immediately leave due to the immense shame and guilt and self hatred i feel towards myself.
You probably have the warrior gene
>>34333356i'm not black
>>34333339I'd start questioning and look into ASPD sociopathy mate. Some say psychopathy, others say sociopathy. Both the same thing really. Only people added the myth that sociopaths are made (through abusive upbringing) and psychopaths are born (through no influence, born without empathy). I personally consider the latter to be a load of shit. I consider most of the psychiatrist jargon to be bullshit. I think things can be simplified: You are someone whose nervous system is easily overstimulated or overwhelmed. This translates to impulse and swells of anger in your mind. And you react accordingly. You think it's your mind that's fucked. But maybe it's not. Maybe it'd your neurology, your nervous system, the wires of nerves that connect to the brain to the body. When that has malformations or physical problems, it affects everything. From your mood to your cognition to even things like anger. Because it'd be jamming you with signals to go into fight or flight on a dime, out of nowhere. I'd that's the case then your goal shouldn't be to get rid of it or change yourself. Goal is to channel it. Keep the anger, keep the fury, keep it all. But find ways to use it and find and outlet. Let's say someone pisses you off, instead of going full blast at them, excuse yourself to your basement or room or wherever and beat the shit out of a punching bag. Consider martial arts or fighting sports. Get into demolition or hunting. Channel the anger to work in a way that benefits you and people close to you.
>>34333538i heard through the grapevine that my liberal friend i had to cut off thinks i have some form oif schizoid personality disorder. i identify with the cluster a disorders more than cluster b. but, i am also not sure.i genuinely do not derive pleasure from harming others, i would be honest and tell you if i did. it's an immense and instant regret every single time that sends me into a spiral of hating myself.
>>34333561Alright. Then if that's the case, drop the P in ASPD. Check for ASD, autistic spectrum disorder. Same premise: Neurology is fried, nervous system highly prone to overwhelm. It's known as "Autistic rage". They blow up, especially in social interactions that go awry. Unlike psychopaths, they possess empathy, extreme intensified amounts of it. Which means after each blow up or 'melt down', they feel intensely self hating and intensely guilty to the point of catastrophic thinking. Suicidal ideation being common.
>>34333586i was anal retentive as a child, so i am no doubt somewhere on the autistic spectrum. i get so mad when i feel helpless or out of control, or something is out of my control. the reason i doxxed my gf is because she began to ignore me out of the blue one day, i felt like i had no control.i rarely feel that level of anger, if any anger at all when someone insults me, takes advantage of me, etc.it always has to do with a perceived loss of control of a situation or thing. people around me don't seem to realize that though. i think my friends or the ones i used to have, think i am a socio or psychopath that is bound to injure or kill someone one day. it creates this fulfilling prophecy in my head that maybe i am like that, maybe it's not autism and there is something malicious that others are able to see in me that i lack the introspection to.
>>34333687Nah I think it's most likely the autism. >maybe i am like that, maybe it's not autism and there is something malicious that others are able to see in me that i lack the introspection to.That's a typical autistic roadblock for example. The inability to see or truly examine a deeper sense of 'self'. Autists have a very low sense of self, they have very rich internal monologues and inner imaginations and inner thoughts. But when they are tasked to accurately examine and measure their 'self' as a personality, they go like:"......" in their head.They have no clue who they are. They only know what they are and how other people seem to be responding to them. And the Autist will graft a temporary sense of self off of how others respond to them.So if an autist for example were to be around people who constantly told him he is rude, arrogant, combative, etc. then that is exactly what the autist will believe he is. The autist internalizes it and it becomes a feedback loop in his mind until eventually his actions start to reflect it. In the contrary if you take an autist and place him with people who give him encouraging and positive feedback, the autist becomes the embodiment of that too. Autists are emotionally adaptive like that, even if they struggle to process these emotions or struggle to accurately identify emotions in others, they have a very fascinating way of internalizing shit and blending in and adapting. It's a weakness and a strength. It can be a weakness if they are adapting to a bad environment or dynamic. Because they will let that define their internal state of affairs. For example, other people are suggesting you are a psycho. So now you feel like one. That's a 'tism thing. If someone suggested I was a psycho, I'd tell them to fuck off. Because I know I am not sane as I know the sky is blue.
>>34334616 makes a lot of sense. hard to gauge when someone has got an accurate read on you, though.the people calling me a weird faggot? yeah there's definitely some truth there. People have told me i'm malicious, sick, or psycho one or the other, and i have an easier time rolling my eyes at that.i have been to therapy on and off, and also analyze myself and my demons quite avidly. i know i'm self aware enough to know i am autistic, but still autistic enough to not resist the urge.
>>34334890I think you should get a formal diagnosis if you haven't already. It won't change anything in your intensity of emotions, and it won't magically correct any behavioural problems you keep experiencing (that will take time later). What it will do is alleviate the self-hate and the self blame. It won't absolve you responsibility, but it will sure as shit give you understanding, that it's not (you) as a person that's bad on a personal level. It's just you are a person who has to deal with bad thoughts and bad feelings that flare up. This can make a huge difference in your perspective as you push forward mate.It'll also lessen anger outbursts a bit too. Because anger & shame are a crazy duo. We get angry as humans, and then we feel shame. And because we feel shame, we get angry. It's a vicious loop. By understanding more about what makes you tick, you can lessen some of the shame. And when you lessen some of the shame, it lessens the anger.
