I thought the downfall started when I was 17 which was when I lost all my friends and dropped out of school and started living a life akin to what I'm living now. I would always think back to that time and see it as the turning point of my life but come to think of it now I'd say it was when I was 19. That's when I really think I let go and became rotten. I think my manager first noticed it because she would say she didn't recognise me anymore and felt as though she couldn't trust me anymore or if she was sure she was even talking to the same person who started working there. But it wasn't out of concern but more so frustration.I broke down and gave up on life at that time and planned to kill myself on the eve of my 20th birthday to be an eternal teen. After I left that job I quit on trying to get a job, quit on trying to improve my life and just lived as a neet talking to my discord friends and getting into some dark places in the Internet. I would say whatever, do whatever since I didn't care as I was already planning to end my life when I before my 20th birthday. I ended up not and just crying the day before.I grew up a bit more since then and tried to turn my life around but at each turn I get pushed back to that life and have developed even worse tendencies. I'm doing things I known I don't like and hate and saying things I regret even more. And so, I'm kind of at a point where I think I've given up on trying to be a good person or really even trying. I really see no point since I'm not even allowed to grow past the mistakes I've made in my youth when I was in such a dark place I couldn't even see anything past my nose.I don't know what I hope to get out of this I guess it's a trail I'm planning to leave behind before I go for good but at this point I'm just shouting into the abyss in hopes that someone will come in for me.
I can hear the sincerity in your words. I’ve never dealt with wanting to end my life, so I can’t give advice that I’m sure will work. However, I have tried ketamine assisted therapy for my sexual issues/trauma that has devastated me emotionally. It did not fix these issues, but it reframed what the issue actually is and it has to do with patterns of stress throughout my whole life. This gave me a more realistic direction into fixing it, and I’ve been making progress.The reason why I’m mentioning the therapy is because it helps with depression and suicidal thoughts. Research says that. It’s expensive, but worth a try if it’s about your life.If you’re gonna try it, I suggest to do the one I did, which is Ketamine Assisted Therapy/Psychotherapy (KAT or KAP). This is where the therapist is with you while you go through the experience, and includes preparation sessions and integration sessions. This is different from the more common Ketamine Infusions, where you are hooked up to a machine and left to be on your own for an hour, without a therapist during or after the experience.
I'm in the *exact* same position man. Got to it a bit differently but I feel your pain. I gave up on college and trying to meet people. I was a psych major, but I realized after interacting with a wide variety of people for a few years with nothing to show for it, that I really don't have much care for other people's problems. It sucks, once you learn how therapy works, it doesn't work on you anymore. Atleast for me, I hear the therapeutic techniques as they're talking and it just makes me realize that they're carefully bullshitting to make me feel better.
Hey OP, dunno if you gonna read this or care, but I was in a similar state of mind in my early 20s, nothing went right, dropped out of college, can't hold a job, made wrong sort of "friends" online and went to Dark places you won't believe.I can't really explain what happened, but first you have to give yourself a moment to breathe, clear your head, be by yourself. Look at what you hate and get rid of that from your life. I stopped talking to my dark friends, forced myself back to church to get some spiritual clarity, worked minimum wage, saved up for years to finish college reluctantly, and slowly got my life back. Didn't need no therapy or fake friends or whatever. Took things one step at a time. I hope you eventually don't dwell on that dark time in your life and learn to let go, and make the best of what you can.
>>34363356>>34363430>>34363516Thanks for you comments. I genuinely and sincerely appreciate them all and despite feeling like I'm on my last legs I still do try to fight against nature and try my best to be a better person. But I still find myself doing self damaging things that make me hate myself more. From visiting prostitutes, sometimes drinking(even though I'm not big on drugs or alcohol) and just wasting my life away on the Internet. I don't know why I do these things. I don't even enjoy them but maybe it's because I'm desperate to feel something. But I've realised I'm in this alone. There's no one I can reach out too and its me against myself. We'll see how it goes or if its even worth trying at this point.I've already done most of the advice you guys have suggested here and I'm far more mature and wise than my past years but it's gonna take A LOT to undo years and years and YEARS of negative feedback loops so I still find myself doing things I hate and make me feel like shit in the morning.
>>34363146Have you made any art, anon? Vent art is how I've been coping as of late instead of taking substances. It doesn't make the pain go away, but neither does using substances. At the end of the day, art that you create will last and is sharable, while the experience of substances will fade away. You can share your art with other people, and you'll be surprised to find how many people resonate with your art. Sharing it helps me feel less alone in my struggles.Substances, sure you Can share those with other people, but it's so much easier to share artwork.
>>34363146what do you count as being a good person? is is contributing to a community or those in need or just donating to charity. while we'd prefer a world where people helped each other without incentive its more realistic and (atm) to just focus on not being an asshole or actively malicious to people and focus on yourself (ie not fucking over people, insulting homeless guys ect).ultimately everything relies on yourself, and there is likely no one you or anyone you can meet that can force you to become productive or whatever you (or more likely they) deem to be "good".My immediate advice would be try to pick up a part time job with horticulture/gardening/agriculture and/or construction, and rotate around various different field until you find a work or hobby (if you like it but hate the job) that you genuinely enjoy and would find it fun and not a chore to get better at.
>>34363146>I'm doing things I known I don't like and hate and saying things I regret even more.So, just don't. If you're afraid of losing the online friends you have because they expect you to be someone you don't want to be anymore, you gotta take that risk and say fuck 'em and find other friends. You'll be alone again, but it's temporary. You got regrets? Great! If you still have something you want to do, you go for it. When all is lost, you can really do whatever the fuck you want. And it doesn't have to be going into the dark places either. It can be something risky that you want for yourself that can end up in something good, and if you fail, oh well, better that if you didn't try.Just try not to be an asshole to anyone else or hurt anyone on the way, alright? Now, go start doing what you want.
