My wife has limerance for some other guy. I failed at communicating properly with her and making her feel special. She hasn’t physically cheated, just emotionally. It was mostly phone calls and messaging, nothing sexual, but he confessed feelings and she failed to stop it in its tracks. She truly wanted a friendship but now that they’ve gone no contact, it’s seems that she’s obsessed. This doesn’t surprise me, she’s done this to multiple people including me throughout her life. I was once the subject of her obsession. The obsession with people is not always romantic, she’s felt this way about several people platonically over our relationship. However, since I’ve pointed out this has gone too far, and told her to cut contact it’s made her actually catch feelings. She obviously feels guilty and has apologized multiple times but she can’t shake these obsessive thoughts. I can empathize with her because I have OCD and I know what it feels like to have thoughts that you can’t shake even if you truly want to. She’s being very open and honest with me and she’s scared that if he reaches back out she may reply. I’ve been very patient, kind, and understanding throughout this. I’ve had my moment of anger and yelling but I’m trying to keep a level head about this. He’s stopped messaging because he told her that she’s married and he shouldn’t be doing that. She wants to be over him and get back to working on us. We are going to counseling. However I feel and coldness from her, I don’t feel the deep love I used to. How can I make her obsessed with me again? Im talking full on obsessed like a teenager again. I’m open to anything, redpill or manipulation tactics are fine, I don’t know how much longer I can do the “supportive husband” thing, it might be pushing her further away. However, I’m also scared if I start lovebombing/disconnecting we’ll be back to square one because the whole reason this happened is our failure to communicate and me being too apathetic/boring.
>>34368425Damn that really sucks op. Do you think it's some form of comeuppance? Have you ever done someone dirty?Maybe she'll even get bored of her obsession with him.
>>34368445No I don’t think so. We just met this guy back in October from some mutual friends. Around thanksgiving she told me they were sending reels on insta and I gave her talk about why girls and guys can’t typically be friends like that because it’s possible for feelings to form plus we just met the guy. I definitely noticed when we all went out she started talking to him more and would try to sit closer. Again nothing physical but it irked me that she was so chatty with him. Finally the beginning of February she cries telling me she’s not happy and that she feels like we’ve disconnected. This is true, for the past couple years I’ve dealt with my own issues causing me to be very apathetic towards all things in my life which definitely negatively affected her and I’ve definitely felt the connection wane. Nothing was ever terrible but we’ve seen to fall into mundane habit and roommate each other. However this was a bit out of left field for me because she’s always been a very mentally sound and optimistic person for the most part. She used to tell me she doesn’t understand or comprehend how people can be depressed. Now she’s showing clear signs and it’s been building for a couple of years. She’s never talked about mental health or problems like that before. She’s very much guided by her emotions and feels them strongly a that’s normally the end of it, no sulking or ruminating about anything. If she’s mad, she expresses that she’s mad and that’s that. I think since she’s never had to really reflect on her thoughts and emotions before this hit her like a frieght train. She is seeing a therapist also to figure out her feelings and herself.
>>34368489Don't pay for her therapy sessions. And if you break up, know that she was being retarded.
>>34368445>>34368489Also just clarifying that they both mutually agreed that the talking was inappropriate and that they are not going to anymore. We’re also not going to hang out with that group of friends anymore, only the original friends we met them through. It just really sucks, I know that trying to get over an obsession normally makes it worse, but I hate this. Overall I’m a good husband, she’s expressed that to me and it’s part of the reason she feels so bad. Like me being nice is making her feel even worse about the situation and her thoughts.
>>34368496I know, even she knows that. She recognizes that what she did is wrong and that she feels bad for feeling the way that she does. I think this is just women brain being women brain, too guided by emotions and feelings rather than logic. I truly love her with all my heart and soul, and don’t want to be without her. I know you’re only getting a bad glimpse of her from this thread but she’s truly a kind and true person who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
>>34368425The only way for someone to miss you is for you to be less available.
>>34368585How do I implement this while being married to her? Also without pushing her towards him.
>>34368425>>34368489Seems like your wife is just immature. Being platonically infatuated with people like that is something I used to do when I was a teenager.You made a mistake marrying her. This may not be her fault but you shouldn't be forced to put up with it either. Anyways, clearly you life will be hell unless she changes, so you either divorce her now and ensure the hell ends or put up with it and hope that she becomes a better person at some point. Either way, good luck, you're gonna need it.
>>34368642It's not easy, but you could try having a mid-life crisis and buying a motorcycle. Maybe watch some classics like Fight Club and American Beauty.
>>34368675I agree, what she’s doing is very childish and feels like a teenage crush. I hate it but I love her, I also can’t stand the idea of her being with anyone else, it appalls me.>>34368684I’m in my mid to late twenties.
>>34368425So many people nowadays just divorce for the simplest of reasons - really just ruining the whole sanctity of marriage. Glad at least you are trying. >> Im talking full on obsessed like a teenager again.Your issue is probably this. I believe you are chasing after trying to rekindle the "honeymoon phase". Thing is, this only lasts a little while, roughly a few months to a few years. Usually not recommended to marry someone during this time because, as I mentioned, it does not last forever. What comes next is building a lasting and strong relationship, you cannot be relying on "obsession". The fact that she keeps chasing after it, though, shows she is more immature than you are. It needs to be explained to her that the feeling she is chasing after does not last in any relationship. Life is not a fairytale. You are with someone to get married, settle down, and have children. If she truly still needs something to "obsess" over, maybe a hobby?
>>34368709>mid to late twenties.How old is she? How long have you been in a relationship together?
>>34368709>I’m in my mid to late twenties.That doesn't change anything.
>>34368709>I hate it but I love her, I also can’t stand the idea of her being with anyone else, it appalls meThis is constant emotional stress that I personally couldn't bear. I would rather rip the bandaid off, get a divorce, suffer for a few months then move on with my life.
>>34368722Thank you for the words of encouragement, I agree marriage is important and divorce is thrown around too often these days.I’m not looking for the honeymoon phase, I know that fizzled out the first couple years (we’ve been together 9, married for 3). Something I struggle with was relationship ocd during the middle years of our relationship. I had thoughts of breaking up for no reason and that I’ll never be happy, etc. I eventually got over that when I came to the realization love isn’t just the warm and fuzzies, it’s a constant effort that both people have to put in. However I want to be the subject of her limerence, it’s so disheartening to know that she’s thinking about someone other than me. I know it’s stupid, but women are kinda stupid too, this whole situation is stupid.
>>34368753>I agree marriage is important and divorce is thrown around too often these daysYour wife is obsessed with other men, so clearly she doesn't share that sentiment about marriage, at least not marriage with you.
>>34368425try and find out what she likes about that guy (without asking her).emulate that shit (in your own style), maybe you need to be more adventurous, more lively, more demanding or more masculine.also act more friendly towards other women, make her panic a bit, play the jealousy game.anything but acting as her fucking therapist. you sure have patience and composure, I would have flipped and considered ending it then and there
she ain't shit. start going out with female friends. make her fight for your love.
>>34368724She’s the same age as me. >>34368727I love her too much. >>34368761I’m aware, but this is something thats going to take time and effort from both of us. It’s infuriating, but I’d be lying if I said I could control every thought or emotion that came to me.
>>34368777Nice digits, and thanks I’ll consider that. I did flip my shit when I found out, started screaming and she started sobbing. To be honest this is completely out of character for her, for the entirety of our relationship she’s been loyal and honest up until this point. She used to be very jealous but that’s died down as we’ve gotten older, but then again I’ve never entertained other women.
I was friends with a girl like that briefly. She didn't appreciate her husband at all even though he was funding her life and hobbies (she didn't work) and was looking for emotional flings online with men and women. You have to move on. You're young anyway
>>34368753>However I want to be the subject of her limerenceGot it. >women are kinda stupid tooA lot of people might throw accusations at her, but I think your comment actually sums it up. Women in general are more emotional creatures.Why do you think they like watching dramas and people yelling at each other? In general, they tend to crave emotional stimulation more. But you already realise this. While it hurts you, you would also feel bad because you still feel guilty about what you did too.>relationship ocdI would argue though that there is a difference between her and you in this sense. This is an actual disorder, whereas I would argue for her it is a moral/discipline failing, but it does make sense if you do not see this point as that important.I do believe in second chances. She has helped you, so it makes sense you do not want to leave her either. >She wants to be over him and get back to working on us. We are going to counseling. Seems to be on the right track.>However I feel and coldness from her>“supportive husband” thing, it might be pushing her further away.Maybe talk to her about this. What if it is the guilt instead that is pushing her away? That every time you bring it up, it reminds her of it again. We don't like thinking of negative things, and thus will try to avoid them. So, maybe try to associate yourself with positive things. Again, I would not use the word "obsessed" though, but maybe something like going on dates again. What attracted both of you to each other in the first place? Try to do things like that.>me being too apathetic/boringPart of it could also be that your perspective is overshadowing things. Especially in this society, young people crave things that excite them more than ever before and get bored quick. Might be her problem, rather than yours. Could be that other things in her life are not fulfilling, but it just gets directed towards you.
>>34368824>To be honest this is completely out of character for herThis point is actually interesting and I might detract from some of what I previously said. I think most of us were under the assumption that this was normal, given that we do not know her personally. Just a thought, could it be a hormonal thing? Maybe something has got her out of wack, potentially physically or otherwise.I know that might seem like a jump, but for someone to do something so out of character could be a warning sign. I'm not obviously saying cancer, but maybe there is more to it.How has she been doing in other aspects? Has she been sleeping and eating fine? Could be something out of balance. Or if any major life events have happened. It is not normal for someone to do something like that all of a sudden.
>>34368425This advice will be really toxic but looks like you married a baddie so you need baddie tactics.Pull away from her a bit. If you're too comforting, she will be easily doing flirty shit with other guys. I'm not asking you to cheat on her but make it look like you have potential to do so.Also start taking care of your appeareance in a noticeable way. Buy some new nice clothes, get a haircut, get rid of your stupid neet beard. Buy some new perfume.If you don't work out, start working out a bit.If you can, sign up to some dance class without asking her at all. Somewhere you can be in contact with women.She will fucking notice.Then she will rotate her attention to you. She will be curious, and maybe a bit jealous. You will mention Sophie from dance class that you've met. And maybe some other guy that you "forgot" the name of.Meet new people like this. Add their socials. Don't make it too obvious to show it though. Do these things not for her to notice but to create a parallel life of your own. Parallel to your marriage but doesn't get in contact her.She will be very curious and might even make scenarios in her head after long enough. This will get her to chase you again. You'll be her center of obsession again. That other guy is not special. He's just the outlet of her frustration. She needs a target. If you're already hunted, she will want a new hunt. Play the long game and be cool. Don't ever lose your shit.
>>34368952> This is an actual disorder, whereas I would argue for her it is a moral/discipline failingShe actually said this herself. Like I let her know about my own struggles and the similarities I see between ocd and limerence, but she told me she doesn’t have ocd, she just messed up and has a singular obsession.> I do believe in second chances. She has helped you, so it makes sense you do not want to leave her either.Agreed. However when I was going through my struggles I’d often communicate less or not show my emotions because I didn’t want to burden her with my internal issues. OCD is a bitch to handle because it blurs the line between healthy communication and oversharing thoughts that should have stayed inside your head as a form of compulsion, hurting the person in the process. I never shared that the thoughts were about me leaving her because that would’ve broken her. Dealing with this stuff made me more apathetic which she noticed. I let her know that “even if I can’t feel love right now, I know I love you and I want to be with you.” That was essentially my mantra that helped me over that bump in my life. However, she never knew the contents of my thoughts up until recently because I wanted to not feel so alone and that just because we have thoughts doesn’t mean they are true. > Maybe talk to her about thisWe have, she said yes she does feel guilty that I’m being so good to her. > Try to do things like that.We have been, it’s nice sometimes but I can see the tiredness and tortured look in her eyes. It’s also hard having to lead and carry the weight of stuff when I’m the one who’s hurt. > Especially in this society, young people crave things that excite them more than ever before and get bored quick. Might be her problemThat could be. Her screen time has always been too high for my tastes, but it’s obvious now she is trying to distract herself to not feel sad. She listens to music, scrolls, etc more than before.
>>34368979> I know that might seem like a jump, but for someone to do something so out of character could be a warning sign.Yeah it is weird. She’s a very honest and blunt woman most of the time. I’ve also considered some sort of health issue. Something that opened this can of worms to begin with is her telling me she doesn’t want kids anymore. For all of our relationship, hell in our talking stage, she’s told me she wants to marry me and have my kids, I obviously felt the same. Now she’s 180d, telling me she doesn’t anymore and crying because she feels like she tricked me. I’ve shelved the idea of kids for now because I obviously want to work on our current relationship issues. But yeah she said she feels like she’s changed the past couple of years. Become more depressed and sad. The entirety of our relationship she’s never talked like or been like that. I think she’s just experiencing very heavy emotions like this for the first time in her life and it’s causing her to spiral a bit.
>>34369075That’s not true, if anything I’ve over shared every detail of my life with her because of my ocd. We’ve become distant unfortunately but I’m willing to see this through to the end (be it happy or bitter).
Once you lose the frame you can never get it back. The way to not lose the frame is to never lose. Never lose an argument with her (even if she is right). You make her admit that 2+2=5 if you have to. Holding the frame and women are not about being logical you just have to always win, always be smarter than, always be stronger than her, always be better than her.
>>34369196So she is getting dicked down every night by some other dude for over 5 years but you think she loves you? Lmao.
>>34368425>How can I make her obsessed with me again?You can't. Limerence only ever happens once with any one person. When it's gone, it's gone.
>>34369043this is the best advice in thread, except mine, which is to get a lawyer and start mentally moving on.
>>34369152You should talk to her about it. Talk the relationship idea out of it and just ask her how she's doing. As I mentioned, could be a physical imbalance, maybe worth seeing an actual doctor just to make sure nothing's wrong (ie. deficiencies, physical ailment).
>>34369633>is with another guys in the last year>doesn't have sex with themxd
