>female>may have undiagnosed bpd>went crazy when my first boyfriend dumped me>everything was calm with my second boyfriend>i'm cured.jpg>started making friends online from a discord server>get obsessed with a guy (30 khhv)>turns out i wasn't cured, maybe i just didn't like my second boyfriend that much after all>dumps boyfriend for this online guy with no name nor face (because i didn't want to cheat in case things go further)>gets closer with online guy and call on discord every night>books flight after 1-2 months of chatting to visit him in SEA, still don't know his face>meets up at airport and see each other for the first time>kinda ugly>he asks if i still want to hang out>i say yes because idw to say "no ur ugly">return to hotel and we fuck>he can't get it up, and when he finally does it's small and i can barely feel anything>people please so hard that we spent every day together and fucked every night>finally left to go back home>he loves me and definitely thinks we're in a loving committed long distance relationship>i think i don't love him
>>34378597Yes I don't know what I'm doing and I think I'm crazy and stupid. Like my second ex, I feel like I'm just tolerating this and playing the role of a nice wonderful girl to them. Similarly, I also don't want to disappoint them (felt bad when breaking up with my second boyfriend). I just feel like a bad person for not liking them. Also I'm starting to wonder if I lower my standards due to low self esteem but at the same time feel disgusted at myself for having such low standards. I only had sex with my past 2 boyfriends so I was shocked when I agreed to do it with someone I met for the first time (who was ugly and awkward to boot). I don't regret it too much, but I hate how I'm such a people pleaser. Sometimes, I imagine myself just remaining single for all my life so that I don't have to deal with the stress of "acting" to make others happy. But I do want to find love too.What would you do in this situation? What should I do to fix the root cause (not just short term advice like "end things", what do I do after that?) Can I even fall in love?
I think it’s a phase. I went though something similar
>>34378597wtf you threw away a good relationship with your second bf. I don't know much about bpd or that label, but you sought out something unstable when you had something stable. you probably shouldn't have a normal relationship if something good and stable is boring to you
>>34378597What is the advice you want here?
>>34378698Did you ever "find love"?>>34378738I could have the same relationship with my second boyfriend with any guy - not feeling excited, think he's kinda ugly but never saying it out loud, showing up to events presentable, care for him when sick... I agree that it was stable but how is it good?>>34378836Idk, I don't know if I can ever find love and what steps I can do to work towards it. I have no issues with girlfriend responsibilities; I can play the role of a loving girlfriend well. I just don't feel like I'm in love. I suppose I should "work on myself" or something..?
>>34378597>may have undiagnosed bpdYou should consider getting a definitive diagnosis if possible so you csn work from there.Schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist
