>>34382063
I had that type of situation (coffee cups vs your flavored water, dishwasher vs clothes in the washer, one that set me off in particular - would throw a fit when I took out the vacuum cleaner, had to vacuum when she wasn't home). We solved it. It's mostly about framing and stuff like that.

You have to talk it out. Every little thing, separately. And you have to be the adult and the rational one. She might start throwing fits etc initially. Be her therapist, talk to her about why exactly she is throwing fits. Take the blame even if it's unjust, use deescalatory language from the getgo before she gets riled up, etc. "Honey I'm sorry I upset you by being difficult about loading the washer, how did it make you feel?" doesn't matter if she's in the wrong. Your job is to get her used to talking about it without throwing a fit, and to feel out why she's being irrational. MBTI might help point to why she feels that way/interprets things that way.

Wife is 2 weeks pregnant with our first child (planned), I'm kinda panicking for no real reason, need reassurance.

>>34382063
im honestly asking myself how literal childish retards can get high paying jobs so young, must be another case of nepotism i guess

>when I am on camera with customers
Do you work from home? This could be a case of too much time spent together (and/or too little time spent together outside of the home, without the children, as a couple). You're seething over fairly minor things that are pretty common issues when living together (although I would suggest making laundry your chore if she's that terrible at it; might be hard for a working father to keep up with three kids worth of laundry though) which suggests resentment is boiling over... perhaps on both sides.

It's time to reset and get on the same page as your wife; find a sitter for the kids and arrange for a regular date night with your wife. This should help her feel appreciated (the lack of which can turn many women into Negative Nancys) and allow you an opportunity to get at the heart of the issues... and allow you to set boundaries. Kids are no longer allowed to bang on walls and if they're going to be loud between [work hours here] then they need to play outside. You're going to handle laundry now unless there's an emergency need and she needs to set an alarm to remind her to take care of it. Tell her you feel undermined when she comes behind you and "fixes" what you just did. There are rooms she is not allowed to enter without your permission (office, mancave if you have the room for it) and extend the courtesy to her (a crafting room for herself maybe; room permitting).

And then encourage her to pick up hobbies, make new or spend time with her friends, or engage with your community more; mom-and-kids activities can be an option too. This should get her out of the house and a way to vent her emotions without raining on everyone's parade.

On the alternative, you should also pick up things that let you get out of the house and spend time with your buddies (fishing, golfing hunting; bonus if you have or find married buddies to commiserate married life with would be a godsend). Heck, pile on the kids activities too.

>>34382063
Just divorce faggot. Never understOD how men or women in theese type of relationships stay even for a second more. Man nothing makes me certain of never ever getting married like talking to a married fucking retard
>tl;dr
You deserve the suffering you have chosen

>>34382158
This is actually a really interesting comment, we do have the problem of not spending enough time together. The separate room thing is funny because she does have a crafting room, we just haven’t set up boundaries regarding them. She doesn’t do well alone with the kids, she will return from a trip to the library complaining about putting up with them on her own. Our big blow up at the moment is me asking her to appreciate how she can afford to work only 20 hours a week (from home) so we let the nanny go. In turn my main working week is also close to the 30 hour range. I do run an another small business that takes up another 20 hours or so. I golf occasionally, but we moved cities to be closer to her family so I no longer have friends in the area. She doesn’t want to attend church because being in public with the kids stresses her out, so I don’t have much time to branch out. I have been meaning to participate in our community committees, but I haven’t set anything in stone yet. We’ve got a lot to work through, I appreciate your thoughtful response, anon.

>>34382063
Watch American Beauty.

>>34382211
If she's that stressed out about the kids it might be worth keeping the nanny on part time so she has time to decompress too, at least until your eldest is old enough to help out (that or bring them to the grandparents on certain days of the week). I don't know what option would work best for you guys; it's something you can talk about with her.

>>34382063
That's sounds terrible, it's like Filipino woman behavior, or worse.

Based off of the closet sulking she did for 3 (!!) hours, I don't know how likely it is that she improves. She's ~25 not younger than 22.

Do you sense she's capable of improving with a massive amount of training from you?

Do you know if you're capable of training your wife?

I don't mean to be condescending, but these questions should change perspective a little. You can probably sense her potential (be honest with yourself). Since you can keep your composure when she's throwing a fit, then perhaps you know how to control and fix her.

I wouldn't let her sulk in the closet for a second, let alone for 3 hours. I'd pull her out and say, "Stop. You want to act like an afraid child, but you can't. You're a mother. You're also a wife. My wife. And this all requires you to make an effort. You're gonna learn to not be frightened by effort, and my criticism. I'm on your team. Listen to me. Or else."

>>34382132
My two children were both accidents. Seconding talking it out. Raising children is EASY, raising a wife is the hard part.

>>34382063
The biggest obstacle is not necessarily communicating, it's undoing the decades of emotional abuse, trauma, and bullshit her parents put on her. This is all damage that prevents her from operating as a healthy functional adult and you have to be therapist/husband/father/friend. You also have to sort out your own damage, and then you communicate to work it out together.

>>34382063
>I’m not the kind of guy that married the first chick he slept with, I chose my wife because she was a lot easier to put up with than my exes, but fuck.
"easier to put up with your exes" ≠ a good partner you should have married. how long were you with her before marrying her? how did you not know she was a womanchild

>he fell for the marriage meme
L O L.

>>34382063
I don't think it's appropriate to throw your wife under the bus to strangers who don't know you, your wife, your kids and your marriage and the years of the relationship leading into the marriage with all it's nuances, dynamics, and past history of the good the sweet the bad and the bitter and everything in between. Your marriage has a wound, a booboo. Asking for stranger input is begging for that wound to become infected.

My advice is this: do not air out your dirty laundry in pubic. Don't ask strangers for their fucking takes on your marriage, mate. It's a marriage. A marriage is only about (you) & her. Not (you) & her + the dozens of fucking strangers you appealed to on 4chan. The person who has the answer to your problems is your wife. So go speak with her. And yeah I know you will say "we have tried talking".

There's talking and then there's speaking. There's hearing and then there is listening. When two people are being idiots, which happens to us all from time to time, we stop listening and we stop speaking. We just hear (usually what we want to hear) and talk (usually at the person, never with the person).

We might end up saying stupid shit like this:
>she will leave her flavored water(since she is too much of a child to drink still water)

That's the mother of your kids you just ridiculed for the eyes of strangers dude. You call her a child for the small crime of drinking flavoured water lol.

>She doesn’t take criticism well, she laid on the floor in the closet crying for 3 hours today because I told her she shouldn’t let the laundry mildew
How loud did you tell her this? I can guess you shouted it. No one cries for 3 hours over being told about mildew. They will cry if they are shouted at relentlessly.

And given the fact you are angered by something as small as flavoured water in going to guess that's exactly what you did.

>>34382690
>Raising a wife
And you wanna talk about trauma? You were a parentized child. Your trauma is you had to parent your own parents and you normalized the dynamic where you are expected to regulate adults and their feelings even when you were small. And you are still stuck in that shit because that's why you think it's appropriate to even say shit like "raising a wife". The fuck man. Parents raise humans, and you ain't her father. You wanna talk dysfunctional how about realizing that playing as a stand-in for father for a woman who is supposed to be your wife is fucking insane. And that isn't a criticism entirely in the woman, it's on you. You voluntarily choose that.

>>34383339
you might have hit the nail right in the head, careful, clearly you’re making too much sense around here lol!

>>34382063
beat her

>>34383374
it goes back even further to when a man decides to marry a woman like dat

>>34383339
well you pointed out OP has clearly made a vent post. But you overlook some facts, it's annoying as fuck to have half filled cans of liquid all over the house. They never go away unless you scoop them up yourself

Even if he shouted about the laundry, why the fuck is she crying in a closet?

Good daddies like him don't beat their wives. No reason to be crying in a closet like a woman child

>>34382063
That sounds pretty bad. But how are you? You say your exes were annoying as well. Are you maybe a person who also critizies and bickers a lot? It kinda sounds like it. Are you maybe dismissive? How is your tone when you're criticizing these things about her? Don't get me wrong I don't want to victim blame or something. But I often noticed that some couples do have a kinde of rough tone in their dealings with each other.

>>34382063
>she is too much of a child to drink still water
Or it's her personal taste?

Never let resentment build. Resentment is relationship cancer.

It sounds like she an actual mental block for a lot of this. Like what you're seeing as childish behavior might really just be her being emotionally overwhelmed by struggling to overcome ADHD, failing, and that adding to feelings of failure and shame leading to more emotional bullshit she has to overcome.

Your frustrations are 100% valid and you should be able to calmly, caringly discuss them with your wife without it descending into her crying for hours. I struggled with my wife for years. It turned out that the solution was discussing the problems at a calm time when she was expecting the discussion and it wasn't in response to her behavior.
Every time I brought up an issue, no matter how I brought it up, it felt like an attack to her so that's how she responded: angry or devastated.
In one marriage counseling session, she listened.

Perhaps how and *when* you approach these issues is actively preventing you from being heard.

I guarantee you that your resentment is being broadcast no matter how you try to hide it and that's negatively affecting your relationship.

One thing you probably haven't realized is that your description of (most) of her behavior is her actually *trying*.
She's trying to help, failing, and actively making things more frustrating. You need to appreciate her intent. Many partners stop trying entirely for literally never tried at all.

And people with mental disorders like ADHD struggle and suffer when trying to do things the way normal people manage them. It makes it more difficult. And sometimes some things are literally invisible. Like the water bottles.
I personally don't see dust until spiders are scrawling graffiti for at least a month.

Accept her failings, entirely.
Then work with her to help her figure out how she can help you more. Not your way but her way.
A lot of ADHD techniques work for most everyone so it's worth checking out even if it's not her specific deal.

>>34382063
Thats what you get for marrying a retard.

>>34383339
>That's the mother of your kids you just ridiculed for the eyes of strangers dude.
It doesn't matter. He doesn't like her. He never liked her. He himself said he only put up with her because she was more tolerable than his exes. They met as children and are still extremely young. They're both immature, playing at adults.

That is the core issue here. They are not friends. They do not like each other. Sure maybe they have the same values or physical attraction to each other, but they DO NOT consider the other a friend.

>>34384753
My issue with people with ADHD is that they always make their mental illness YOUR problem. It's ruining their lives, and somehow your life too, but YOU have to take responsibility for them, because "they don't know how". I've had to deal with it so many times with so many different people, who don't actually care about getting better. Most annoying form of retardation honestly.

>>34384753
>In one marriage counseling session, she listened.
Thats the other problem. What is the point of any of this if the person won't ever listen to you, unless someone with more perceived authority or intelligence tells them to listen? You will never ever win. It's always going to be you fighting to get them to even consider your point while they continue doing destructive, wasteful, or unhygienic things because it hurts their feelings when you tell them to stop.

>>34382211
If you moved closer to her family, why isn't her family helping her out?

>>34385073
>YOU have to take responsibility for them, because "they don't know how".
It depends on what you mean by "take responsibility". I've seen ADHD people use it as an excuse and I have seen people *insist* that people with ADHD do things the normal way rather than in a way that actually works and gets it done.

>Most annoying form of retardation honestly.
Much like posting on 4chan, ADHD can be concurrent with retardation but it's technically a separate issue altogether.

>>34385127
>It depends on what you mean by "take responsibility"
It means having to sit down and try and work out solutions over and over after the last one failed, because they don't want to. Or don't know how. Constantly having to explain why what they are doing is a problem. It's exhausting, and the usual reaction from them is anger.

>>34385080
>Thats the other problem
I haven't read the whole thread to know what you're talking about. However,

>What is the point of any of this if the person won't ever listen to you, unless someone with more perceived authority or intelligence tells them to listen?
That wasn't what happened with my wife. She went in with a notebook, expecting to listen and learn.
I didn't realize until after the session that throughout the years I had never stopped and ruined a calm, happy, contented moment completely unrelated to the issue and asked her to talk. I'm not sure how well I could have done it without a neutral setting, but it might've worked.

>You will never ever win. It's always going to be you fighting to get them to even consider your point while they continue doing destructive, wasteful, or unhygienic things because it hurts their feelings when you tell them to stop.
It's not about winning. It's about both of you being on the same side.

>>34385161
See how you're blaming yourself for doing something wrong? Why do people with ADHD have to be approached like spooked animals?
They don't really care about being on the same side. She certainly didnt until a therapist told her to

>>34385073
I have ADHD and cunts like you are also the most anoying retards to deal with. Whats the point in improving when its not even gonna get noticed? I might get better at remebering stuff/paying atention, but the moment i slip up its back to " you keep fucking up" no matter if the frequency decreased. Might as well not put in the effort to improve, the result is the same either way

>>34385143
>Constantly having to explain why what they are doing is a problem.
That's either unrelated immaturity, low intelligence, failed communication, or a combination of the three.

Having ADHD and dealing with normal people is like this classic clip:

https://youtu.be/HbhI31AWzns?si=EcDmcdFr2mGbpzWs

And many people don't even understand that they're "better when they move".

>>34385186
>when its not even gonna get noticed?
Why do you need your dick sucked every time you do the bare minimum
You realize no one else cares when we improve either right. The point is for YOU to notice that YOUR life is improving.

>>34385164
>See how you're blaming yourself for doing something wrong?
No?
I failed to try a possible solution when I had thought I had tried all possible solutions. That's not me blaming myself for doing something wrong.

>Why do people with ADHD have to be approached like spooked animals?
They don't.
But if you don't understand shit like the invisible Wall of Awful that stands in between them and simple task, then dealing with them is difficult.

It's like asking a deeply introverted person to calm a restaurant and make reservations and then getting frustrated when they act like it's a big deal. If you understand, you can work with them. But they're not necessarily children that need to be babied. I mean, a lot of zoomers are anyway. But that's another issue.


>They don't really care about being on the same side. She certainly didnt until a therapist told her to

>>34385218
>That's not me blaming myself for doing something wrong.
You just said in the same breath that you failed to fix something that was her fault. That is the definition of blaming yourself.

>>34385217
>>34385186
There's this moment in the book The Shining.

The dad has quit drinking and is having a tough time of it. One day, it's a frustrating as hell day and his weird little kid is getting on his last nerve and fucks something up. And almost the dad wants is to lose his shit and go get a goddamn drink.
But no.
He'd made a promise to be a better man. And he was going to stick to it. He calmed down, sent his son on his way, and for the first time in a very, very long time he felt good about himself.
And he turned around to share this wonderful moment with his wife.
And she was giving a look that unmistakeably said "Don't you *DARE* go out for fucking drink!"
And he instantly was filled with rage and just wanted to smash her skull through a wall and drink a liquor store just to fucking spite her.

I've lived that moment a couple times.
Improving yourself has nothing to do with others and might never be appreciated by anyone. It's still worth it.

Also, it's helpful to remember that the other person is the main character of their own story.

>>34385217
your " bare minimum" requires a shitton of effort from a person whose head isnt all there. What you consider no effort actions that are done automaticaly are something that i need to constantly and endlessly keep a checklist on, often litearly, No1 is asking to get their dick sucked over basic shit but all im asking for is understanding, that things that are piss easy to you arent to me. In every worklace ive been 95% of pople get it, but thers always a couple o f cunts for whom nothing but perfection is good enough.

>>34385224
>her fault
Our communication problems weren't one person's fault.

>>34382063
Please do not divorce your wife. My parents divorced very early in my life and I feel I missed out on crucial development because my dad was not a part of my life early on. I've of course reconnected with my father but the damage is done. Every day I think about how different my life would have been if my father was in my life earlier on.
I understand how unfair this world is to men, but it is even more unfair to men who had to navigate it without consistent proper male influence in their lives.
You may think that you could successfully navigate the court system for custody, but you can't. Your wife will either get full custody or majority custody.
Be strong for your kids. I'm sorry that you have to deal with an overgrown child for a wife, but that is how women are.
Even if you don't initiate the divorce you must realize she could always try. Ensure that thought never enters her mind.

Who's doing most of the housework and night wakings? Is it her? That shit is stressful and she's overwhelmed. Hire some help or get relatives to babysit. Talking it out won't work because what's going on is a physical issue. Too much cortisol and not enough sleep or not enough food or something.

>>34385073
>My issue with people with ADHD is that they always make their mental illness YOUR problem.
Nah I don't. I know for a fact my disorder causes problems for myself and those around me. I do my bit to stay competent and focused. If someone else still takes a problem that's their fault at that point.

>It's ruining their lives
How does someone else's disorder ruin your life? How much of a codependent symbiotic no sense of self having hollow husk of a human being must you be that someone else's disorder that they suffer with is somehow ruining your life?

>You have to take responsibility for them
You don't. I hate when people do this for me it pisses me off. I never ask, I repeatedly tell them "I did not fucking ask you to pick up after me." They do it anyway, then act offended when I keep making mistakes or messes. They're like weird creepy masochists who want to invent reasons to feel like a martyr. Fuck them. And fuck you for enabling poor adhd traits. Never take responsibility for them, ever. It only makes them worse. They're not children dude if you wanna take responsibility over a human being go become a parent.

>>34383374
When or if you ever discover that the vast majority of people on this planet do not mentally progress past the age of 5, and the rest hit a hard stop between 10 and 12, being generous with that, you'll understand. I reckon you're stuck at the age of 8, being generous. You're already off target, don't double down.

Children, raise more children.

I hope this thread doesn't increase your stress Op. I hope you can find some helpful info without flaring up

t. understand getting raided when my intentions were good

>>34387558
wife raising hands typed this post

>>34382063
Have you told her how you feel rather than levying direct complaints? If not, start there. Remember to focus on how it affects you rather than necessarily laying blame or making her feel as she has failed (even if it IS true; this will only make her defensive and make progress impossible). Avoid "always" statements (this will make her feel like any effort she makes is ignored) and do not stoop to her level if she lashes out. And as always, because she is a woman, NEVER say the words bossy/crazy/lazy or compare her to another, low-maintenance counterpart. Do this and post the results if they are negative. We'll all get a better idea of what she's like, you included.