My boyfriend seems disengaged in our relationship. There are 3 things I could see happening here. He could be in the dumps from various bad things happening in his life (temporary, I can work with this), or he could be depressed (trickier), or he could just not like being together that much. I’m a little autistic and having a hard time teasing out which one is the main thing. For context we’re mid 20s and live together.Let me give an example. He doesn’t want to go on dates. When I ask him if he wants to go out together he’ll say sure I’m free on X day, and then when X day comes, he sounds completely unenthusiastic. He’ll say sure I’ll go if you want in a way where even I can tell he just wants to stay home… these are things we both enjoy on paper (movie we both expressed wanting to see, arcade etc). This upsets me. I’ll delay my plans to align with his schedule, he flakes, and then I feel bad and don’t end up doing the thing after all. On the other hand, he spends 1-2 days a week with his friends. Maybe that’s eating up his social bandwidth, but then why can’t he be clear when he doesn’t have the energy to go?I would feel awful to not at least offer to include him. I usually pay so it shouldn’t be a money thing. It just makes me wonder if he doesn’t enjoy spending time together in general.I talked to him about this and he said he’s just feeling bad in general, but it kind of seems like something hard to be honest about, like when he says he’s willing to do something together when he actually doesn’t want to. So I left the conversation not really feeling confident.I’m aware that trying too hard is unattractive. I try not to harp on it too hard. But I’m also starting to worry that he’s checked out of the relationship. What do you think?
>>34385637>bf who won't take his gf on dates>makes gf insecure of trying too hardThere are men who would be enthusiastic to date you, and keep dating you once a relationship is formed.Don't waste your youth on someone who will just throw it away and never appreciate you.
>>34385637>But I’m also starting to worry that he’s checked out of the relationshipDing Ding Ding. We have a winner.He stopped caring about this relationship some time ago. At this point the only thing keeping him going is the uncertainty of being single again. >Can I fix it?No, you can't fix him. Only he can fix himself. This requires him to get out of his comfort zone which he has zero desire to do.My best solution would be to break up with him. Not because you don't love him. But because you love him. By forcing him to face reality, he will change. I'll leave this quote for you which seems appropriate. P.S. If he does change for the better after this. Please don't get upset with him. My ex did that shit and it was so annoying because she was the reason I got better. But she couldn't see that.
>>34386016I don't like this quote. It is a watered down shit test of love. You don't let someone go in hopes of getting them back. You let someone go after coming to accept that they don't want you/you don't want them/something isn't working out between you two. To do something in complete opposition to your intentions is a perfect recipe to get depressed and later ask yourself "why did this thing that I wanted to happen not happen??"Those who want you - will make it clear. You might have to push to get a clear answer, but so long as they didn't reject you the way to a "yes I want you" is possible.
>>34386050"If you love something, let it go" is a proposition made towards someone who clearly doesn't want to let go. But they lie to this person by selling them cope that "if you let it go, maybe it'll come back!!" And it almost never fucking works this way, that's why I hate this quote
>>34385852>>34386016Appreciate the thoughts. It helps a lot to hear that, at the very least, his behavior is indistinguishable from someone who has checked out.I think I’ll give it a bit longer in case it really is that he just has a lot going on, which he does, although it’s almost been one thing after another… most recently, he took a job with a 1hr commute each way for money. Which is a lot! But it’s a choice he made himself, and if we were to get married, he wouldn’t really need the extra money either. So I understand why he would feel burned out but it also doesn’t quite stand up as an explanation for why he feels checked out. It’s this sort of thing that gives me complicated feelings. And it’s difficult to have an honest conversation about it.I guess I’m also a little jaded about the idea of finding another guy. It takes me forever to feel comfortable around someone and I’d probably be 30 by the time I liked another relationship. It’s difficult for me. It makes me hold onto the hope that this is my guy. Maybe not great.
>>34386223Tell him all of these worries and especially that you feel he has checked out. If it has a big impact on him, he is affected and makes a change, you can feel at peace with staying with him. If he reacts, well, less good, you know you'll be getting that and only that treatment and amount of respect for the rest of your life, until you die.
>>34386223Yes, hopefully he changes. At the end of the day you see this person and understand him better then any of us. So if you are willing to be truthful with yourself you'll likely know how successful that change will really be.>>why he feels checked outLet's explore that cause I have a feeling the uncomfortable truth lies there. If you had to put yourself in his shoes, why would you feel checked out?
>>34385637he could love you more than you think but if he loves you too much you'll betray him with a bbc cause that is what girls do with honest men
>>34386833>>34386833Gave it some thought. There are several ideas I have.>Accepted a relationship that isn’t that romantically exciting because other options seemed hopeless.>Accepted a relationship that isn’t that romantically exciting because it’s materially convenient.>Built-up friction due to domestic habits.>Feeling that the courting part of the relationship is over (I understand this isn’t uncommon, but to be honest I would still like to court him).>Sincere belief that daily routine at home is a substitute for relationship-specific activities (understandable but I don’t think this is true in practice).I don’t think my boyfriend would admit to any of these things. He’s emotionally intelligent enough to know this kind of thing hurts to hear (a good thing) but sometimes it leaves me guessing how he feels.
>>34385637Maybe he misses an ex. Cook him good foods. Get him a writing journal, give a head massage
