a while ago i visited my friend and his parents. after the fact, they mentioned to my friend that it feels like i’m a completely different person. they were really worried about me. i was a very honest and energetic kid, the kind who talks without really thinking and is a little dumb, but still made friends and all that. but when i went to hang out with them, i only spoke when spoken to, and i guess just kind of bummed them out. when he told me this, i thought “well i just don’t have anything to say”, but i think it’s more accurate to say “i don’t feel like anything i have to say is worth saying.” after thinking about it for a while, i realized that i think of myself as a truly worthless person, and it’s gotten so bad that i basically erased my personality in hopes of being as inoffensive as possible. i’ve lived my life feeling like someone is constantly judging me. i censor myself before i say anything that can be interpreted as even a little bit mean, i overthink until i don’t even want to give people compliments because i’m scared they’ll take it the wrong way. i barely draw, even though it's what i love doing and want to pursue a future in. i don’t admit that i like certain things, and i will pretend to care about shit i really couldn’t give a fuck less about. i only play games once! somehow i think this is the thing that bothers me the most. the other day i finished metal gear solid for the first time and i cannot stop thinking about how much i want to replay it. but it’s like my body just won’t move. basically, i don’t do anything anymore because of a vague feeling of constant shame and unworthiness. has anyone at all dealt with something like this? how do you overcome it? i imagine you just stop being a pussy but i don't know how to actually do that. i'm really jealous of people who can be shameless about what they like and want to be like that.
Yes, I used to have this and still do to some degree, but way less, especially around people who I like. I suspect it is from being psychologically bullied in high school for two years by a classmate. Were you bullied or abused?
>>34391009bullied no but abused yes. i don’t remember a lot of it when i was younger, but i had a lot of angst my early teenage years since my parents would berate me a lot and blame me for stuff. how did you get better?
>>34391055That sounds tough. My bully would pick on me randomly whenever I expressed my emotions or body language a bit too visibly, like laughing. So I became hyper vigilant of him that at any moment I might catch his attention. I shoved down my emotions and moved around less to essentially become less visible to him. I looked calm from the outside, but inside was stressed and perpetually anticipating a random attack from him or his goons.I’m saying this not to make this about myself or dump my stuff on you, but for you to see if this articulation resonates.As for how I got better, it’s a bit hard to answer because I don’t precisely know. However, one big thing I noticed, is to surround yourself with people you like. The way to do that is to meet a lot of people, like as if you’re trying 100 flavors of ice cream to see which you like most, and pay attention how you feel during and after spending your time with them. And then just spend time with them, get comfortable, and you’ll find yourself more expressive. It helps to move to a populated city because there’s just more people to sample there.Another thing that I know helped was modifying my inner self talk. I used to say horrible shit about myself in my head and it was just normal to me. At one point, after hanging out with kind people at a church I attended for a bit, I walked into the bathroom, saw myself in the mirror, and heard my inner voice say “you look good today”. That was shocking to hear and gave me perspective to realize I was saying so much shit about myself, and that it doesn’t have to be this way. From that point I learned that I can practice consciously saying good things (still real things, but reframed positively) about myself. It feels fake at first and kind of cringy, but eventually it became me. Do it when you hear a bad thought. So if you hear “I suck at cooking and am useless”, replace with “No, I just started learning and previous meal was delicious.”
>>34391215Also one more thing I wanted to mention. I don’t doubt your friend’s parents are well meaning and looks like even nudged you in the right direction to improve. Generally though the people that helped me were people who weren’t bothered by my silence. Who don’t say “you’re so quiet”. If someone says that to me then it’s like wtf so I now can’t even talk or be silent? Cuz if I talk then it’ll be a version of “look who’s talking” since I’ve been silent the whole time.Best people I found are those who engage with you despite your silences and ALSO engage with you when you show expressiveness AFTER you’ve been silent the whole time. So it’s all seamless and they don’t look at you weird.
>>34391276thank you for the advice! i don’t have many friends so i guess it’s time to put myself out there more. i do relate to the feelings you mentioned, and the aggressive self talk. it does feel really cringy to be nice to myself, but i’ve also read that it really does help so i suppose ill give it a try
