It's an empathy thing. Autistic people doing this are trying to relate to you and connect with you. Ironically, people who aren't autists usually interpret it as self-centered or displaying a lack of care. Autists also really love info dumping about pet subjects, and will usually respond well to friends doing the same thing back at them. If you have a thing your want to go on and on about, go for it. It's also reasonable to redirect your friend off of his pet topics or anecdotes, although in my experience people without autism repeat the same stuff often as well. Just that those things are less likely to bother them, and these are less likely to bother people with autism.

But to be honest, your best results are going to come from being really clear about what you want from your friend and conversations with him. And first figure this out yourself, because when you're describing it if you describe it incorrectly, he's going to get the wrong message. So what things might make you feel more satisfied with your friend? Do you want him to have a few other conversation starters? New stories? To ask you more questions about what you share with him? And honestly you might want to ask if there's anything you can do differently for him as well, maybe those loops are partly because he's trying to get further into something he's sharing with you. The lack of understanding and clear communication is often a two way problem.

T. Autist who has the same problems but is maybe slightly higher functioning or at least more self aware

>>34392171
I’ve heard from many other autists that most of the time “self-centered” traits are simply their way of empathizing. Which is strictly why I let it slide for this long, I have taken up his acquaintance because 1) we have similar interests 2) I genuinely do enjoy hearing about his takes, his life and all. The major issue is literally him running out of things to say, so he is reusing certain stories he’s already said (almost verbatim) with almost every topic we talk about now. Even a simple “how was your day” would be responded by a story he told me three weeks ago. But you might be right in the sense that he is only reusing voice lines to get something more out of me. I’m not sure what it could be though, I feel as if he is satisfied with our level of friendship, and we are both closed-off people that like to keep each other at arms length. When I share things about myself, which I rarely do, he doesn’t seem to respond engagingly. I can count on my one hand how many times he’s asked questions about myself in the six months of our friendship. I have felt like a jester at times, or treated like an LLM in the beginning of our friendship because I do like hearing more about others than sharing about myself, but now it seems that he has exhausted the amount of things he can share about himself and is repeating things.

>>34392138
Yeah, just make sure you use this to your advantage. Autistic girl will like you if you let her talk about her stuff (maybe they're all autistic).

>>34392210
It's good you do let it slide sometimes, friendships need compromise. But what would you prefer he do or what would someone without autism do in that situation that you're missing? Do you need to talk about your topic longer to get your needs met, or do you want him to ask about things you're sharing? Tell him what you'd like him to do a little more of.
>Even a simple “how was your day” would be responded by a story he told me three weeks ago.
Most autistic people understand that question is usually not literal (ie. when said as greeting) but don't understand that when said between friends it can be. Maybe try asking literally 'what did you do today'? Or so. It could also be that he didn't do anything has nothing to share about it and is trying to find an elegant solution to answer your question despite not having anything new to report to you. A lot of autists don't go out and do things often, and so sometimes social niceties can be challenging when trying to fit in and do your part to carry a conversation.
>When I share things about myself, which I rarely do, he doesn’t seem to respond engagingly. I can count on my one hand how many times he’s asked questions about myself in the six months of our friendship.
Legit, tell him you'd like him to do that more. He's probably completely oblivious to it and would be happy to oblige if you asked. He might need some guidance on the types of questions you would like, but I think this is highly fixable.
>now it seems that he has exhausted the amount of things he can share about himself and is repeating things.
Aside from possibly not having anything new to share, sometimes autists like to do things together but alone. Maybe hanging out with him in situations where you don't have to talk or don't need to talk more than about what you're currently doing might be a nice change of pace to take off pressure from having 'good conversation'. Like playing video games together, watching sports, etc.

>>34392138
Autists have a low theory of mind (ToM) In psychology, ToM is

>"the cognitive ability to attribute mental states such as beliefs, desires, intentions, and emotions to themselves and others, understanding that others have perspectives different from one's own."

In other words, autists are unable to accurately or quickly estimate how (you) feel or what (you) may be thinking when you use speech or body language to convey this to them. They can do it but it takes them a lot of time after a social interaction, and only if they are told about it.

But the ability to do that & juggle their own thoughts and feelings + (Plus) cognitively measure the dynamic differences between the two in real time? Autists can't do it.
This inability for this critical socio-cognitive function is dubbed "Mind Blindness".

If you ever felt like you were somehow 'invisible' to the autist in your intent and motivation, that you could never seem to get them to 'see' you mentally or emotionally, like they were figuratively behind a glass window, you could see then but they can't see you sort of feeling. Now you know why. It's because they really can't see you mentally like that in a personal level. They are 'blind' socially.

Unless you tell them what your intentions are and motivations and wants or needs bluntly, directly, verbally, in a plain and simple tone. Then they understand and instantly will deliver, usually with great enthusiasm to maintain and cater to friendship.

They make up for that mind blindness with very big heart. Though you may be fooled into thinking they don't have much of one, or a dull one. That's just their flat affected speech and lack of animated gesturing and coherent body language. Autists possess really massive hearts of gold if you pay attention to their actions

>>34392313
>>34392138
>Continued

That's why autists are like this.
How they end up like that, it's a multifaceted and nuanced phenomena but to put it simply, it's because their nervous systems are fried to shit. That's what autism is at its core, nervous system is hypersensitive and the parietal lobes of their brain that receive the sensory data is jammed to shit. Which means for them all 5 senses have more 'weight' to them. That's what autism is, in a simplified description.

This means existing is exhausting and/or irritating for autists, so the way they learned to cope instinstively as babies (yea even as newborn babies) is they retreated into their own minds. Developing inner monologues, photographic mnemonic memory, an inner world built up of thought. Thoughts are things they can control and organize in a linear fashion.

This helps autists take them away from the sensory pain of living. But what it meant as infants is they could not focus or process or internalize socialisation. Their minds were already filled up with themselves in perpetual rumination and anxiety, so even if parents attempt to teach them social P's & Q's it never sticks. Leading to underdeveloped social skills lasting into adulthood or in some severe cases, forever.

So they normalized an existence where fantasy and their own inner thoughts is more 'real' than the world outside of them. That is why their very first impulse and instinct is to talk about themselves, their hobbies or special interests and gravitate the convo back to themselves.

Because it's all they know, and when they may eventually know different through hard learning, they still opt for it anyway. Because it's predictable inside their head, it is not predictable inside of yours (from their PoV). And if something isn't predictable to an autist, it becomes a source of anxiety or stress.

They will attempt to try anyway, they do that by 'masking'. Aka, pretending not to be angry/anxious/uncomfortable during a social event

>>34392357
>>34392313
>Lastly

This 'masking' is how they try to be 'normie'. You will notice it's anything but normal. They come off as rigid, flat-tone in their speech, stiff body movements, and they seem to walk around eggshells that don't exist verbally. They are spending a tremendous amount of energy masking, so it turns their expressive and emotive capabilities into that if a robot or a statue. If they are kept in that state for too long, and especially if the social exchange takes a stressful or embarrassing turn, the autist either burns out or melts down.

This masking practice is something they all do. You will see them talk about it in various forms. Like "Maxxing". Where they discuss how to adopt and equip personality traits as if they were accessories or clothing, like a mask. Not truly innate to who they are.

It's this masking their whole lives that leads them to frequent existential crises. Because they mask to socialize, they do not act in true fashion to their real self. They do this so often and for so long, they forget who they are. This causes a 'low sense of self'. Where they feel empty and unable to identify 'who' they are emotionally.

Anyway that's autism in a long nutshell. I wrote all this mostly for autists reading, so they can get a mirror reflection at what their journey looks like from both perspectives (outsider and insider).

>>34392138
>>34392379
Oh one last last thing, I forgot to answer your Q.

>what can I do to diversify our conversations?
Despite the complexity of their dilemma and the seemingly exhaustive mental barriers, there's an easy fix. One that, for some reason, most people (even autists themselves) seem to keep missing. I searched for decades for a "key" to unlock the soul of any and all autists I encountered, and I believe to have found it. Once used, the autist comes out of their shell, they start talking and emotionally responding as any normie without masking too, their personality floods out. Giving them unspeakable mental relief, and giving you vivid connection to who they are in a reciprocated manner

The key is: Let them unmask, reward it, and boldly appreciate it. That's all, that's it. That means the minute you detect they are anxious or irritated or their mask is cracking, tell them to take their mask off and tell them they are free to say whatever they should like without apology, and be with them mentally as they do. Once they learn they are accepted in this mentally naked state, they are able to let go of a 1000 gigaton weight of mental stress. Freeing up uncountable mental space for them to finally connect with you.

>>34392450
>The key is: Let them unmask, reward it, and boldly appreciate it. That's all, that's it. That means the minute you detect they are anxious or irritated or their mask is cracking, tell them to take their mask off and tell them they are free to say whatever they should like without apology, and be with them mentally as they do. Once they learn they are accepted in this mentally naked state, they are able to let go of a 1000 gigaton weight of mental stress. Freeing up uncountable mental space for them to finally connect with you.
As the autist up the thread my solution for this is just talk primarily with other autists, ADHD, OCD, anxiety, or people who are generally just 'different' in the first place. It makes masking a lot harder for me at work or in situations where I have to mask, because I do it so little that the 'right' response is often forgotten.

But I don't think that this fully solves the problem of not asking about others, in fact I used to be much better at it. For me, though, I think that might be tied up in regular burn out/existential dread/depression creeping in and making it harder to do that mixed with the fact I've become accustomed to talking with people who 'get' this being a show of empathy and support.

>>34392472
>As the autist up the thread my solution for this is just talk primarily with other autists, ADHD, OCD, anxiety, or people who are generally just 'different' in the first place.

This is more or less what occurs unconsciously, birds of a feather stick together etc. When the autist interacts with a normie, it falls flat. If the autist interacts with, as you said, other 'different' types of people it becomes a 50/50 coin toss. Either it clicks or it fails. It's a double edged sword, when it works it really does work spectacularly. If it fails, it fails miserably and can cause psychological damages for both parties, more than if the autist had interacted with a normie.

ADHD for example, probably the highest compatibility for an autist. They have enough common traits to bond over, but also polar opposite inclinations. (Autists crave routine, order. Adhds hate routine, prefer chaotic spontaneity). The reason it works is because the autist can be given vicarious social 'vision' from the adhd. Adhds spot social patterns extremely quickly, and can act as a social 'spotter' for the autist, helping their mind blindness. In return the autist helps organize and make efficient the ADHD's flaw of time blindness. Autists are able to straighten out an adhd by simplifying what the adhd over complicated in their head. Good symbiosis there.

However it can dramatically explode if both are unaware of their own faults. Adhds have RSD trait. Rejection sensitive dysphoria. They are impulsively defensive or combative if they sense they are being ridiculed or insulted or judged. And autists have a very blunt vocabulary, one which cannot even see other people's invisible sensitivities. Now imagine what happens if an autist says something in the wrong tone to an ADHD having a bad day lmao.

ADHD blows up, impulsively drags the autist through social glass, and the autist feels like a freak or bad person when they didn't even intend social harm.

>>34392210
i think this might be more of a character trait. my bf has adhd and he does the exact same thing with repeating same stories over and over again (but i don't mind it, it's endearing to me ig) and only talking about basically the same specific things. my sister has autism, she's on a whole other level and my bf is the most normoid person in existence compared to her. and she's never done this kind of thing.
now that i think about maybe it's a guy autism/adhd trait.

since your friend is autistic. just tell him you don't want the same repeated stories, he will understand the issue then. and maybe if you want, tell him you'd prefer it that conversations could be less one-sided.

>>34392653
ADHD and autism have high symptom overlap. They're both caused by changes to the same region of our DNA. both lead to special interests, for example. Similarly they have high comorbidity with each other. Plus basically anything you can pull from the DSMV is going to be normal human traits taken to more extreme levels or used out of typical contexts.
>>34392565
I don't really disagree with anything you've said in a major way but I do want to put out there for OP and anyone lurking that while true, these are all massive oversimplifications and if they don't fit someone 100% that's because they're not going to. I think you probably know that, but a lurker might not.

>>34392357
Any more info I can read up on this? This feels identical with my own life journey as an autist, especially the hypersensitivity thing, so I'd like to know if there's any coping mechanisms for it since I'm genuinely one step from the edge right now. I really cannot handle living like this anymore.

>>34394708
>Any more info I can read up on this? This feels identical with my own life journey as an autist
I don't have anything specific to share that's readable to hand, if I remember some resources I'll share later ITT. What I wrote is a life's worth of observation and personal studying I'd done myself, I grew up with two autists in my life, and have a few good friends with it too so all I'm doing is repeating back what I commonly saw and heard from autists self reporting.

As far as coping mechanisms your two strongest ones that will serve you the absolute most:
Control & Sensory dieting

These two coping mechanics directly target the autistic mind right in the critical parts that need soothing. Control would mean find something that lets you exercise control. This could be a board game, an RTS game, it could be house chores that involve organizing things by color or size, it could be money counting, it could be collecting information and then storing it physically or digitally in a beat and organized format. It could be whatever you wish, so long as you introduce a control mechanic where you organize that ever it is you do in a repetitive and predictable fashion. This strengthens your conscious mind.

Sensory dieting is for the unconscious part of your mind. The benefits from this won't be immediately obvious to your conscious mind but over time in the span of hours or a day, you see results.

Dim your lights, if you've been using a phone or computer, enable the eye comfort mode (yellow filter). If you're near loud and unpredictable people, start taking breaks from them. Make your reality dimmer and quieter. If you've been lately listening to music, swap loud genres for chill ones. If you've been playing videogames a lot, take 30 min breaks every 2 hours. Lower the volume more.

This will lessen the workload your nervous system has to carry to your brain, which should make the constant mental discomfort easier to manage.

>>34392565
Your posts are amazing anon. Can you expand more on how to deal with RSD?

I’m very autistic and my bf is very ADHD and it’s very fun to bring structure into his life

>>34396371
Thanks. If you're the person with RSD, the way to deal with it is to reframe what rejection looks like in your own head. Rejection is an action, not a word or a feeling. Someone could say 'rejection words' like "no I'm not interested, that sounds dumb/boring/stupid". But it doesn't = rejection. That same person who initially was not interested can eventually accept and participate with you in their actions anyway, just not in the activity you wanted. RSD is a delusion that occurs when the sufferer of it takes words too seriously. Actions should be focused on more, because they speak truer of words.

If you're bit the person with RSD and you are this anon
>>34396374
And it's your ADHD bf who has RSD. The way to handle it is simple: Whenever you have a serious complaint or grievance or criticism you want to convey, simply preface it with "You know I love you, but..." Etc. Basically cushion it with a nice big validation at the start. This shuts down RSD instantly because it disarns the fear of incoming rejections. People with RSD are on guard of being exposed as unlovable (they genuinely fear that they are ugly souls inside). So by verbally reassuring them before your complaint or concern, they feel safe and can relax and absorb criticism efficiently

>>34392138
"John, that's about the limit of what most of us care about badgers. Let's talk about something else."

That's how he learns.

>>34397050
nta my bf had adhd too and i've always seen it as one of his 'faults' that he takes the most possible negative meaning from things sometimes, i feel like this will help a ton lmao. i already try word things very very carefully when saying anything stressful/negative(bc sometimes there is no choice but to tell your partner something has gone wrong for example or that he accidentally did something), but i realize now that i don't tend to preface anything of that sort with reaffirmation first because it has always felt too 'cliche' to me.. i hope it works!

>>34397920
i will never grasp why its perfectly normal to talk about trash tv where some deanos fight about whos whore girlfriend has sucked the least cock but talking about badgers (or about the fact that electric eels aren´t actually eels but a catfish) is somehow weird

>>34398289
>electric eels aren´t actually eels but a catfish
This is cool as fuck though. I want to know about electric catfish.

>>34392565
Learning a lot about my ADHD here in this thread thanks to you!
Question though: How do ADHD people compare to normies on reading people, or sussing out social situations? Are we just faster at it, do we pick up a lot of smaller signs thanks to our weakened sensory gating?
I guess I'm just wondering if it's something that can do some good instead of just being a burden (minus the autistic and adhd pairing).

I really really really wish I could just not care about things and live my best life like the rest if my frens

>>34398824
>Question though: How do ADHD people compare to normies on reading people, or sussing out social situations? Are we just faster at it, do we pick up a lot of smaller signs thanks to our weakened sensory gating?

We're faster & more accurate, by a country mile too. For example let's say there's a crook or exploitative manipulative cretin in a room.

The autist won't really figure it out. High chance they get swindled by them due to trusting someone's smile too easily.

The Normie or "Typical", they won't always fall for it, but not because they sense something is wrong, just because they have healthy boundaries and a firm and stable sense of self motivation or ambition. It takes the normies weeks or months to figure out something is wrong.
The ADHD knows it within minutes. Sometimes seconds if they have a 30 second brief conversation with someone suspicious.

This is because we share a lot in common with malignant liars or personality disordered types. We are also good at lying and we also chase dopamine. However unlike pathological liars, we only tell white lies to protect ourselves from social rejection. We don't exploit others. And we also have our empathic capability intact. So we have all the tools a sociopath has, except the heart to actually fuck others over.
So the reason we are good at spotting it is because "game knows game". We know when someone lies intuitively. Because catching a lie is dopamine, and that's what we chase.

>>34400011
>>34398824
So adhds can use this ability for lie detection and making absurd social reads either for bad or good. A bad use would be if the ADHD impulsively detects a lie, and while accurate, they have no idea (why) the person is lying. The ADHD doesn't think or speak long enough to figure it out.

Example: Someone lies they have a wife. ADHD guy instantly spots no wedding band on finger, no photos of Mr and Mrs in their wallet, no referencing or discussing any activity it plans that indicate family living in casual convo. ADHD detects lie. Impulsively calls it out.

Turns out he had a wife. She died of pancreatic cancer a year ago. But his vocabulary is too emotionally caught up in grief to deny her as wife verbally. Big social fuck up if ADHD pounces too fast.

Using it for good would be to help victims of swindles, frauds, scams, etc. helping them detect when a scam is a scam, or when a lie is a lie. This should come naturally to adhds. ADHD means also having a high "injustice sensitivity".

Adhds don't care if they themselves are abused or scammed or lied to. But if it happens to someone else, someone they feel didn't deserve it, it make their blood boil and they spring into action to help that person. Which typically is often always an autist. Psychologically the phenomenon shoes adhd is almost programmed to seek and assist autists, it's weird

>>34392210
>simply their way of empathizing.
>not having a theory of mind is their way of having a theory of mind
Cope for people who have to put up with retards.