Killing myself with a mossberg would be funny.

It's been a while since I've experienced grueling stomach pain inducing depression.

Finally managed to pour my heart out to my chud sister tn. Even if it was over text.

>Have plans to hang out with guy I'm talking to
>Get stood up
>No worries, I know things are rough for him and he's going through a lot, he did give me a heads up that he might need space
>Reach out a few times over the next couple of days to send a message hoping he's okay and expressing that I care, reassuring him that I understand he needs space
>More time passes with no reply
>Start to get worried because I know he's suicidal
>Reach out to his friends to ask if he's okay and they've heard from him
>One tries to wingman and lies that he hasn't heard from him much, but that he did reply briefly and he's fine
>The other tells the truth that all of them have been hanging out together constantly, and of course he's fine, why wouldn't he be
>The second one refuses to help
>The first agrees to pass along a message after insulting me for being overbearing and making his friend so anxious and upset
>About a minor argument we had at the start of this month
>That we had long since resolved
>That I had no idea was still bothering him
>Get a message from ghost apologizing
>Give him a second chance because I know he's insecure and dealing with a lot right now
>Promises not to ghost again
No prizes for guessing what happened a second time.

>>34393357
Game on.

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I mercy killed a pigeon today
it was grievously wounded, I don't know what happened
I tried to make it quick

I wish neither of us had been in that position
I hope death was better than suffering

sorry pigeon

>>34393522
Sorry Anon. That sucks. You did what you could at least.

May God make my life worth it.

>>34393423
No it wouldn't. Leave guns out of this! Also, find inner peace plus basic comfort & security O ALGO.

have narrowed it down that my ideal type exists but they don't go outside because my type is schizoid-adjacent 4channers who have enough screws on tight to be employed and not chuds but the hard part is finding a 4channer you can have a non soul-blackening relationship with and my type sure as fuck does not go somewhere you can "just meet them outside" idk why my friends think I'm just gonna irl stumble upon an avoidant bisexual man who's too mentally ill to connect with normalfags but too stable and grounded to connect with the average person here but wants to connect authentically in a way you don't get irl and idk yeah im just complaining this would probably be a lot easier if I was some cutesy egirl chick with bpd or even a femboy or whatever those dudes like.

>>34393582
If you're serious we can get married tomorrow. I fucking hate this merrygoround of bullshit with normal people and I'm tired of wearing a mask.

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>>34393609
im serious but im also not a girl sorry. im not alone on the generalized sentiment though and misanthropy and exhaustion with the rat race is on the rise so I have high hopes for you though anon best of luck

Hopefully when my faggot ass finally enters into an Orthodox Church, if God wills it, I finally find the healing I need. I'm wretched and this life is nihilism inducing suffering. God have mercy on me, a retarded sinner.

>>34393620
>bisexual
>i'm not a girl though
Anon...

>>34393357
insecurities are causing me to disassociate from my relationship with my gf. having trouble even talking to her at times or looking her in the eyes with how bad its gotten. genuinely have never wanted to end it all more than now. get me out of this hellhole

Using as a QTDDTOT

Say I'm at a library, book store, or book section of a store, there's a person by the books I want to look at, what's the right way to address the existence of the person where you want to look? I feel awkward in those situations and just wait for the person to leave. I don't know if it would be weird to say hi, but I feel it would be weird to totally ignore them like they don't exist. I feel like it would be weird to enter into their space at all. I probably have autism or I'm just tortured and severly socially malajusted.

>>34393628
I did indeed write that very good point
iyowai@proton.me if any inquiring beautiful unicorns want a throwaway contact per the grace of god
>>34393637
>"excuse me" with your best attempt at a smile and polite tone and hope they get the idea from you reaching out for the item you need at the same time that they need to move over
more bluntly even
>"can I look at that real quick?" while pointing to thing
its not odd to say "hi" and smile and go about your business to someone shopping in the same aisle as you if its something like a thrift store or book store that's slower and related to non necessity items

>>34393637
"Excuse me"

I'm supposed to be making meatballs but I've been putting it off. It's been an hour already and I still don't want to get up.

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I am tired of being racist, I don't want to be racist, I never wanted to be a racist. It's a tiring state of mind. But the world currently keeps presenting me things to reinforce a racist lense. I long for what the typical liberal actually wants but reality never conforms to those ideals.

Dear Me,
I hate you more than any word in any human language can express. I wish I could kill you, you stupid fucking moron. You're a failure and a waste of life. You're too stupid to learn from your mistakes; even after you've identified what you're doing wrong, you'll do it again anyway and expect it to work out. You don't think, you just panic and get frustrated and go braindead autopilot and get fucked for it. You are incapable of making a good decision, even if you know what you should do. If you're put in front of two doors that lead to either a million dollars or a piranha tank, you will choose the piranhas ever fucking time. Any opportunity you're presented with where you can shoot yourself in the foot, you blast away. You're a shitforbrains moron and every single failure is your fault, you stupid fuck. I cannot stress enough how much I hate you. Blow your defective brains out, retard. Fuck you.

I hate coworkers, friends, acquaintances, etc that often confuse my mind and feelings about what I felt for this girl.
I had a crush on her and yeah we talk almost all day every day, I've flirted, complimented, etc, but whenever we're together irl I don't feel a thing, I've fantasized, but I know that irl it doesn't feel the same as in my head
I opened up about this to a friend and he was like "you're lying to yourself, you can say that all you want but you know your feelings for her", and that honestly fucking annoyed me, tf kinda of bullshit is this.
Anyway, she clearly doesn't want anything with me, and I don't feel a thing for her in the way when we talk irl even tho it's more fun.
It was just people putting things in my head

In less than two months I'm never gonna see him again

>>34393990
Are you planning suicide?

i acted like a complete idiot while i was drunk, lost complete control and now i have to deal with it and accept that whatever happened was completely my fault and i hurt someone i liked and i dont remember any of it.

>>34393992
Nah, I'm just leaving and I couldn't be with him anyway

>>34394014
Ohhh, okay, that's good.

>>34393998
if youre retarded when drunk stop drinking anon

>>34393923
Hating yourself will keep you in that hole. You cannot climb out if you keep breaking your legs.

>>34394029
that was an exception, i was not in a good headspace and pretty stressed out and then i got blackout drunk and now i know the details of said blackout and honestly i wish i did not know.

>>34394043
was it that bad?

>>34394083
yes, i am afraid so. there is no way to sugarcoat it, i ruined an important and already stressful evening of a girl i like, i kept telling her over and over again that i liked her and she was trying to calm me down apparently but i was so drunk that i didn't register anything anyway and that went on for hours apparently. it stressed her out, which is completely understandable and afterwards she kept avoiding me and i never knew it was that bad. i spend weeks trying to hang out with her, not knowing how bad it was. i feel completely ashamed now and there is no way to turn back time or make any of this undone. i just dont know how to deal with it. i am the villain in that story. i was a complete idiot and made a scene infront of her and other people. the only thing i knew was that i called her like 10 times after i left and i only know that because i saw it on my phone.

I don't see us being together ever again...

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Where did life go?
I had a girl who I thought was my future wife. She turned out to be a bipolar insanity trip, screaming at me for nothing, always in a bad mood, you know how it is.
Now I'm turning 38 in a few months, trying to date, but I feel so damn old.
At least I have a good job, nice apartment, etc.
I see 28 year olds and wonder how the last 10 years went by so fast.

>>34393357
I'm so horny. Gf and I have been sick for almost 2 weeks and we don't have the energies. We're finally starting to recover. I wanna eat her pussy so bad. I wanna watch her moan as I cum inside her. I want her to look all smug while she plays with my ass. God she said she wanted to finally peg me, but we don't fucking get the chance. Today I was so horny I ended up riding my dildo on my own thinking about how it'd feel if she was using it on me. When the time comes I wanna be ready to take her. Even though It's probably not gonna be this week, I'm sure this week we're gonna focus on catching back up on the "basic" necessities. I'm gonna drown in that pussy, eat it until my face is completely wet. Then I'm gonna fuck it until I can't take it anymore and blow a comically big load inside her. That's how it's gonna go as soon as we're fully healed and we get more than 2 hours together. God I need it so bad.

>>34394114
Its not something to be that ashamed of anon
Usually in movies when the guy gets shitface drunk and confesses to the girl, even if its sloppy drunk, the girls considers it cute if she likes the guy
If she is avoids, she probably didnt really like you at all

>>34393637
Yes

>>34394317
this wasnt being drunk and confessing i liked her. she already knew i liked her, and i lost complete controll and kept repeating the same thing over and over again, it was just too much, i made her uncomfortable. i am a complete idiot. that was completely inappropriate behavior.

>>34394249
time passes. i have no idea what happenend to the past 8 motnhs of my life, they just kept going on and disappearing and i didnt do anything meaningful, except having and creating problems. and even before that a lot of it is just in a haze.

>>34394358
I've done that too. You're young and relatively inexperienced drinking? If so, don't worry about it. Apologize and tell her you got too drunk and this experience helped you to realize that may be an issue for you.

>>34394362
8 months turns into 2 year so fast. Do something meaningful soon, anon.

>>34394380
no, i am way too old for this shit. i'm like 30 years old and i did apologize and she said that she does not hold it against me, but no shit she was avoiding me after what happened.

>>34394114
>>34394358
That sucks, but it's definitely one of those things that happens. When you're blackout, you can get to a point where you just have no short term memory and effectively reset every few minutes
I once spent hours with a friend who was blackout like that, he kept begging me to call his girlfriend so he could tell her goodnight, and couldn't understand "bro you did that five times two hours ago, she's at home trying to sleep, that's why we took your phone away and are making you stay over here for the night"
Mortifying to be the one to have acted that way, especially towards someone who's not into you, but I'd rather be on the receiving end of that behaviour than be the one doing it any day. Beating yourself up for it is the responsible thing to do, but try not to beat yourself up TOO badly

>>34394421
how do you even deal with something like that? things wouldnt be nearly as bad if i had just kept my cool and i didnt. i told her i am really sorry and that i understand now why she was avoiding me, and there is nothing more i can do. she has enogh of her own problems anyway and i made everything worse. i have to continue with my life but i just feel completely ashamed and acting like nothing happened feels weird. i wish there was a way to make up for it. i cant talk to her anymore.

I'm permanently broken in so many ways.
I was already born into a POS family with a raging mother and a dad who devoted all his attention to my brother, because I looked fine. But I had to look fine because from age 6 I had to teach myself how to deescalate their daily screaming at each other.
Now dad's dead, I live in another town, isolated myself from friends and family, and I got officially diagnosed as a fucking severely depressed, anxious, traumatized autist.
Somehow I managed to find the love of my life, but I can't get or keep a job because I'm so distrustful of everyone and tired all the time. ChatGPT made my degree obsolete right after graduation. I have no charisma to make interviewers like me and all my skills are irrelevant now.
I keep telling myself that if I don't quit being a useless pathetic POS by the end of the year, I'll go back to my mom's just so she'll torture me to push me over the edge and help me lose the fear of offing myself. Nobody deserves dead weight in their lives.

>>34393357
So with the big bang, surely doesn't that make the idea of cosmic collapse the most likely theory? As surely we're on a grand universal cycle of collapse and rebirth. Which begs the question, what bought about the very first big bang? Hawking when he wasn't being beaten off by midgets on Epstein island believed in the eventual entropy of the universe from the emergence of black holes, but if we are on cosmic cycles that mass can't surely go nowhere, how else can collapse on nothing collapse into nothing into creating so much heat to explode all over again and being birth to all our elements in the universe.

I've been very existential as of late. Suddenly fearing death again. How strange.

Gonna find out tomorrow wether im gluten and casein sensitive or not

I'm going to ruin her life in every way I can w.o physically harming another person then I'm going kms in a way she has to risk seeing everytime she turns on the PC. I'm finally going to ruin someone elses life instead of it being done to me. Remember this story when someone says going NC is the best option. I wasn't like this before you startednchasing wrench turners in discord. All I wanted was a direct admission and an apology. You aren't get away with this scott free. I'm sure people in orbit of the person involved will start talking about here when it happens. GGs. Cya on the flip side nonnies.

I miss high school. I miss crushing on cute girls, I miss having friends to talk to, I miss having actual time off to do whatever I wanted.

Lately I haven't been feeling like eating. Or doing anything, really.

It’s been 7 years but I’m ready meow

You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

When the police entered my home the first time with Dave Mitchell January of 2023 to take me to the hospital one of the officers said something about the barber chair in the living room and a haircut and looked at me. The three days I used my alternative computer I wondered if the cia was trying to train me through it. I went to the ambulance and I thought that one of the paramedics referenced another paramedic by two different names and I thought it was a test. I began memorizing the numbers inside of the vehicle and unbuckled my belt underneath the blanket because I thought that it could be bonus points if I did. Inside the first hospital room I went thru the drawers and grabbed syringes because I thought that would make me look good. I strongly speculated that there was a camera watching me. Then the nurse came in with a butterfly tattoo which seemed like another indicator that I was going thru some kind of illuminati scenario.

While the nurse had her back turned towards me waiting to change my clothes I threw the syringes inside the trash can. I was wondering if it was my mission to escape so the first thing I did when I was placed in the mental containment at Providence so I asked for a crayon and started writing the numbers on my wrist band as well as the numbers in the ambulance and my location on the wall. I drew a picture of the space needle inside a depiction of a canister to let whoever may be monitoring my activity with the possibly hacked camera in case there wasn’t one inside the first room. In order to camouflage what I wrote on the wall I began drawing what was meant to look like nonsensical math equations that did not add up. Inside the first room I also read a sign that said “racism will not be tolerated” among other rules and a common phrase used on the website where people clearly targeted me is “niggers tongue my anus” so I wrote that on the wall as well.

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>>34394778
Off to worky. What do you want when I get back?

A nurse entered my room eventually and was angered telling me I needed to clean it up. I threw some papers up in the air while sitting criss cross on the floor to be difficult. Since they did not kick me out for racism I tried peeing on the floor at my door to see if that would work. It did not. After that I thought that maybe I faked Covid then they would kick me out. Dumb idea. Did not work. Spent some time wondering if I was waiting for a team of agents to rescue me and eventually felt legitimately surprised and worried that nobody had arrived yet. I kept hearing banging noises outside of the containment area and wondered if they were mimicking or even actual gun shots. The nurse gave me some beef jerky that night and I made heart signals with my hands towards her to show her that I didn’t want her to be harmed. I didn’t want anyone to be harmed.

>>34394784
Am I your cat in this scenario?

I didn’t want anyone to be harmed. During that time they had also given me a word search book with a 100,000 dollar life insurance check that I tore up and flushed down the toilet to tell them that I want to live instead. I flipped thru the word search book wondering if each page was a different prize and I chose “western saddle” and completed it and tore it out telling the nurse “western saddle western saddle” and slipped it under the door very eager hoping that it would fix everything. Before going to the hospital I wrote some cryptic phrases using animals symbolically and handed them to my “dad” and told them to deliver them to his friend because I developed the impression that both of them were Freemasons due to poor communication. I did the same for one of the nurses as well because I thought she was cia. Eventually after losing hope I pressed my body against the exit door, triggering the alarm while repeatedly stating “I am not suicidal” loudly but not frantic. I popped thru the door and Dave was in the room on his laptop with headphones and he looked at me and I felt confused.

There was a patient named David who colored a picture of an owl and told me he was 33, both Illuminati indicators. On of the nurses told me there was a pretty girl inside my neighboring room. The room was always dark and they were sleeping all the time. I never saw them until they suddenly rushed inside my room and punched me in the head. It was a tall man with long hair. I ran towards the nurses for help and they let me in. They locked him inside the room and sent me back into my room and when I looked out the window I saw David making hand signals towards the nurses that looked like he was asking if he should open the door and when he noticed me watching he immediately put his hands down and looked like he got caught doing something he didn’t want me to see and went back into his room. One evening they finally brought me upstairs for a shower and the nurse was a scary black lady with a voodoo vibe who kept assertively telling me that I better not try to escape while rolling me. When I was placed in the new room I wondered if an instagram account that I was gravitated towards had been trying to train me for the future and one of the memes was the troll character covering themselves in oil to escape captors so I stripped all of my clothing off and covered myself in soap and tried to escape. I thought that they were maybe going to castrate me because I had seen a picture of guys dressed in Freemason outfits posing around a guy on what looked like a hospital bed with their genitals cut off and a rag over their face. I smacked into the automatic door at the last exit of the hospital and security tackled me and rolled me back into the mental containment unit. It took a very long time for me to stop worrying about someone murdering me but it feels like society is trying to make my life hellish enough to drive me to suicide.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stQZs55coBs

That is why I was diagnosed with psychosis. Then 2024 I called 911 as a cry for help because I thought people online were trying to make me kill myself and an officer met me and convinced me to check myself into the hospital. He then told the nurses I was “invol”. Dave met me again and asked me about voices so I told him that I only felt like I heard someone outside of my ear one time when I was about 14 of a little girl inside my room that told me “don’t kill yourself, Alex” while I was trying to sleep. I was hoping that would give them what they wanted so people would give me the clarity that I needed because it felt like my “parents” were speaking speaking cryptically and lying about it after I got back from the hospital the first time. They speaking very weird and differently. After almost two weeks in at Edmonds hospital dr baznev began asking me about voices and I thought “fuck. They still don’t have what they want” so I admitted that I used to have dialogue in my head and I wasn’t sure if all of it was conjured from my mind or not. Similar to having songs stuck in your head. I indicated that it was only before bed time and I began sleeping with a fan turned on which made it disappear. They then diagnosed me with schizophrenia.

I had posted about my disapproval of people online painting schizophrenia as trendy and people with schizophrenia better than others explaining that it wasn’t always fun for me because it made sleeping more difficult and I felt like whoever read that has been after me for it ever since. It’s something that I always wanted to keep from doctors because it’s never been a problem. Stupid fucking people always try to suggest to me that voices in my head are influencing my decisions and they never have. It’s just gibberish. Short meaningless phrases that I always ignored anyway. I’m perfectly capable of thinking normal and making my own decisions and I have to actually focus hard to even know what any chatter in my head is saying. I’m just a normal dude who started leaning about illuminati and freemasonry and scary shit at a young age, roughly 14 or 15 and I was targeted online and I was scared and confused and dealt with horrible communication from my “family” that week before the fire. Even though it hasn’t always been fun I tried to find something special about it. I had wondered if angels and demons put effort into me.

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>>34394663
a new one in the making?

I realize that it is all my fault. I isolated and didn't communicate. 5 years of my fucking up and everything getting worse for me. I truly loved him and all it would have taken is communicating like we did before. A phone call. Seeing him on discord. Everything balances out and instead I made up all this shit about it being his fault. Just as I've written advice. It's all lies though.

I should have communicated with him

I need him still. The same love. My love him the same even after 5 years.

I just want to throw away everything, everyone in this inbetween. They are all meaningless to me

I love him and I'm going back to that Saturday with him 5 years ago.

I'm communicating like I should of. I'm keeping my promises and being with him just as I've always wanted.

Will he forgive me?
Will he love me?

He is the only one for me and I choose him over all else.

>>34395020
How I would do anything and everything for him to love me like he did then. To take away the shame and guilt I feel. To hurt me in the way I need him to when I finally have my trip with him. Every way my body needs him. Has always needed him. I'm his lonely star and nothing will ever change that , but being his again. 5 years wasted now and all I want is my home.

I ingested a lethal combination of Xanax and alcohol three times and stopped using dangerous drugs November of 2017. Tammy had constantly offered me Xanax throughout the years since then and I accepted their offer of quarter mg doses about 5 times, less than 10 times and always made sure to not pair it with more than a beer, maybe two on an occasion or two. Superior court judge told me I had to take a drug and alcohol assessment before they would provide input on the pictures of doppelgängers in my house that I gave to them. They asked me if I ever blacked out and after a long spew of conflicted reasoning I ultimately answered “no”. The first time I was sitting down the entire time sharing a six pack with a former friend and I eventually passed out for several hours and told them I didn’t remember much after I woke up however my memory was mostly intact. The second time I was at a former friend’s house and I remember someone asking me how I felt. I answered and then passed out on the couch for nearly 24 hours and woke up gasping for air. The third time I took half of a mg with alcohol, stumbled around the mall but remembered behaving myself other than stumbling and woke up in the passenger seat of his car and woke him up. The doctor just recently prescribed me Ativan as I I ingested some at the hospital to ease myself. I am concerned that if I pick up that prescription the superior court judge will not take me seriously and the government may also use it to disguise murdering me as a suicide. I feel like I’ve already developed somewhat of a dependency on it.

>>34395036
Stopped using dangerous drugs other than alcohol and a quarter of a tab of lsd one time. Right before the fire I wanted to try and get a read on people listening to me inside my house by spying so a said something at the dinner table about using cocaine a week prior which I did not actually use since 2017. When they tested my blood at the hospital they told me that they found cocaine in my blood so that provided some clarity on what I had been wondering. I’ve already mentioned here this several times. I doubt that the superior court judge will believe it and they would probably use it against me if they haven’t already.

>>34395059
*this here

Hello anon. I know you feel kinda stuck in life, maybe your job doesnt make you happy, maybe you are a neet, or your current situation is overwhelming and draging you down. I have something to tell you.
Think of all the good things you got, maybe they are not many, but there must be something good on your life, even if you can't see it at the moment.
You have to know that you CAN do something to better your situation, it takes determination and some efford. You CAN make it happen. Little by little, every day, stone by stone, you CAN and WILL build a better future. Not everything is lost.
I assure you that it will not be easy; I assure you that some days you will not feel motivated, that you will desire to give up; I assure you that even if you achieve your goals, there will be mean people and sad moments anyways. But I assure you that it will be worth it.
If you are feeling down, dont wait until tomorrow or next week to begin the change. Start today, start now. Every step in the right direction is a win. TO TRY IS TO WIN.
You can do it. A random person has faith in you, and so you should.

Another part of the assessment asked me if I have ever driven under the influence of alcohol. I chose to leave the question unanswered. I have not driven over the legal limit one single time since 2022 and any time I did my memory was fully intact. I have had a couple drinks prior to driving about 3 or 4 times since 2022 but always kept it under the legal limit. I used bac calculators to ensure.

>>34395069
Probably not that anon, but thank you.

>>34395069
I'm fine, I tend to flow state a lot of things.

may God heal and save me from the hurt and pain i am going through missing him

>>34395081
Would you like to learn to pray with your soul?

They called me in for jury duty on a case weeks ago for a guy accused of raping a minor. They asked me if anyone close to me had been victim of sexual assault. I marked yes although neither of the two were that close to me in my life. I spent a good amount of time around one of them around town and at their house a couple times and I mentioned Alyssa. I only hung out with Alyssa once and the second time I saw her she gave me a hug. Sweetest girl I ever met and I wish she was still around to spread the love she had to give. I hope that the court doesn’t think I was someone who hung around any individuals that played a part in what happened to her. I never gave dangerous drugs to anyone ever except for alcohol.

I kept complete composure in court but I’m balling my eyes out right now.

My fucking life is spiraling out of control and it's all because I was too afraid to take risks and grow as a person.

>>34394358
Even if that happen anon, if she actually liked you she would have acted different
You just filtered her out

>>34395088
tell me more, please

Might graduate uni soon and have 0 friends to show for it after losing the only one this year (don't even know why we stopped hanging out)
Praying that I can get onto the cutoff to continue to my masters so I can get a shot at 1 more year to tidy myself up
Wish me luck, please

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I'm confused. I think I was witty, funny, caring, patient, attentive, authentic, kind but not a niceguy. I had hobbies, a decent place, money, good hygiene, was fit and supposedly conventionally attractive, and 6' 6" which I know a lotta guys would kill for. I'm everything society tells me I should be, and myself, and she still didn't want me. I'm mentally ill but I don't think I'm like cluster B or anything, I'm just weird and asocial and depressed. And I didn't have a car at the time. She knew I had an Adderall problem, 45mg a day is a lot, but I was off it before the end. Maybe I shouldn't've opened up about anything. It felt so real and intimate and electric and special, and I think it was mutual because we were glued to each other. And it's clearly like we're something, but then she starts sending me screenshots of her sexting some faggot, to make fun of him, or glote? She was very engaged with it. I ask her why she's sending me that and if she's trying to make me jealous, end up confessing and asking what we are, not pissed or needy, just anxious, like you have to feel something too, right? Ghosted. After 7 months she didn't even reject me, just left me guessing, and after bedrotting like a bitch for a couple months I have to pretend I'm fine and self-improving, but I'm just distracting myself. I'm just confused, like is she retarded? I'm a catch, I cared about her, I made mistakes the biggest being pushing through all of hers and the red flags and inconsistency and manipulation and bullshit because I'm retarded, but overall I did okay. I realize it probably wouldn't've worked, but I'm left thinking this might be how a rape victim feels, used and confused, and I wish I stopped it. I don't know if I should hate her or not, or if I just imagined everything, she doesn't care, and I'm being a melodramatic faggot. And I hate that I secretly wish she'd come back even though I know she's no good for anyone

>>34395128
Anon, you are loosing more every minute you dont take risks. There are no wrong decisions in life, choose a path and make the best out of it. If you fail, dont worry, instead be happy that you had the guts to take a risk

>>34395136
Control your breathing, aim your thoughts to the middle of the diaphragm where it meets your chest then say the prayer with the thought of your soul in mind.

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I took a chance and called a rehab center and we did a proper intake call today (last call was just getting insurance and basic details). The program has three tiers: therapy, intensive outpatient (there all day, come home at night), 24/7 residential. So I gave them the ins and outs of what i'm going through and they literally told me "it would be irresponsible for us to admit you any lower than 4-8 weeks of residential" because of how bad it's gotten.

One problem though: I have a job and there's not a chance in hell they let me off for that long. I don't even look sick yet, they'd see me as a fraud. I get my insurance through them so losing the job means losing the care anyway. In other words, no help is coming and this is going to get worse... i'm trapped and there is no way out. No one is coming and no one will rescue me and i can't rescue myself.

We talked all day every day. Constant and not a second of that time felt overbearing or claustrophobic. We felt safe and secure, known and trusted with each other. If felt so good to be honest and know we accepted all is each other. Compatible in every way. Love and lust. So excited for our lives together.

Then you isolated from past trauma not related to me. Were decieved by c hear and manipulated to percieve me differently.

It's been 5 years now and I have stayed for you. Kept my promises because you know we were made for each other. Complete each other.

You know you felt so much now when when me. At peace. Happy. Fullfilled. Healthy and so much pleasure with me.

Now look at how you feel now with him. You feel sick to the stomach. Guilty. Ashamed. Paranoid. Afraid to be honest, with held from your truth. Chased, pushed, and suffocated.

Look at your health. Has he made you better?

No, I am the only one you have ever truly loved and who has truly loved you.

Choose us. Choose our love.

Wake to our dream.

Home.

>>34395073
It was for you, anon :)

>>34395147
Thanks anon, I appreciate that. I guess I can work with what I already have.

Why am I anxty and riddled with self hatred? Thank God that it's not paralysing, but it's probably obvious. People probably think I'm strange even if kind in disposition. I don't know why I'm like this, it's as if an anxiety pertaining to every little thing I do was programmed into me, I just rejoice when everything goes well.

I just remembered the time I had a point of mdma and my cousin wouldn’t stop begging for it and I gave her the drug.

I’m not a good person

Glory to thee oh God, Glory to thee.

Thank God people irl are kind.

>>34395291
You're probably fine

>>34395148
thank you for this, God bless

>>34395454
God bless you as well, good travels.

76 days until I can be free from my trannydom

>>34395478
Trannydom?

>>34393357
i fucking hate women so god damn much. the last time i hoooked up was october and it was with a fat chick so it doesn't count. i fucking hate hate hate women.

>>34395507
Still have tits

>>34395515
Ah I see. Well, blessings on your journey Anon.

My thoughts have a powerful affect on my emotions. Motions of my mind can easily result in painful emotional shifts and even fatigue. Any advice on dealing with this?

I'm at breaking point

>>34393357

>>34395549
I'm back
Finally

I feel raped but I don't know why.

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I should be more worried about things being exposed online or through the grapevine. But I’m not. I’m just tired.

Person 1: It's a small town. And you'd better hope I don't see you alone around it, you obnoxious little prick.

Person 2: I would say I'm sorry, but the way you react to things is ridiculous. I'm done with it. Unless you can act in a calm and reasonabl manner there will be absolutely no apology, for anything.

Person 3: This 3-5 business day thing buys me some time. This is literally not my fault - this is usually done within 24 hours so quite why nothing has happened yet is anyone's guess. It's totally out of my control. I'm assuming you've made no effort yourself (not that it would help, looking at the lack of responses), and since you're a pathetic, whiny boomer fuck I am not going to be doing anything else. This whole process is going to be very difficult for you.

Fuck you all!

Foid foid go away
Spike my cortisol another day

>>34393503
you lived happily ever after?

>>34395099
Care to elaborate? What's going on?

>>34395594
What happened

>>34395547
What happened

>>34395727
Person 1: what happened

Person 2: what happened

Person 3: what happened

>>34395793
I don't know, sometimes I just feel molested, like I was actually abused.

>>34395822
"feeling" and knowing it are different, I feel and know it in relation to myself.

it's over.

>>34393862
>the world currently keeps presenting me things to reinforce a racist lense

Is it the world, or your media bubble?

Do you think these things you see people do, are BECAUSE of their race?

Or is it due to economic factors, shitty parents, bad schools, and discrimination - all factors that are pushed down from the top, rather than occurring naturally as a factor of race?

Do you think other races ACTUALLY have less of these issues, or are the things you see being cherry-picked to create a narrative that makes you focus on individual events, rather than their root cause?

>>34395829
Will yall finally come say hi in person? I would like to speed this up as it is boring af.

>>34395833
i have zero idea where to find (You)

test

>>34395825
It's more than just a nebulous "feeling" but I don't really want to get into it.

>>34395822
What triggers it?

This move i have coming up in ~2 months would be 100% less stressful if i had any idea what do to do with all this stuff in the house. Im moving into a family members house that will have everything furnished already and outside of my PC, bed and clothes i dont need to bring anything else to the house, and i have no idea what the hell to do with any of it. I dont need to keep it, not even for a future move cause im moving in as my uncle is moving out to stay with his sister for medical reasons. So im inheriting everything in the house. Im here alone (Not just in the house but no family friends or anything like that live close by anymore to help me move) and most of it is too big for me to drag to the street. Id just up and leave all the stuff that i dont need but i would feel like a total dick to the landlord leaving behind a house full of crap for them to then have to clean up instead of me.

>>34395881
The thought of me being a faggot.

No one is buying your shitty business either way retard

>>34395890
What?

>>34395890
What business?

>>34395886
You are not op

>>34395883
Does you have any nearby Junk Removal services?

While the one's I've used are mostly "Get rid of all this crap in my garage", there are others I've used that also have "We can take and donate this for you, if it's in good condition".

If your end goal is just to get rid of it all, hire one of those, and just straight up tell them - donate this stuff, keep this stuff, burn this stuff, I don't care.

I recently about limerence from an AI ad of all things. It's really embarrassing how your mind can do that to you.

>>34395905
Yeah i think there's a couple around here. Im just worried about how expensive it would be since it would be cleaning out almost a full house.

You’ll be my greatest mystery. The most recurring what if.

I still hate , love and miss you. I am not good enough to even be your friend - maybe I will message you happy birthday when that comes up. Maybe send a small gift to a ghost who was once my all and reason of being.

>original lab partner withdrew from course
>professor isnt strict and you can pair up with whoever each time
>ppl make trios literally right next to me before offering to pair up with me
maybe im just overthinking it but this just feels mean, not that I think anyones intentionally being mean to me or anything, but I don’t get why Im not even considered an option at all to them.
I don’t smell or look terrible, not tall or intimidating either.

>>34396097
why bother?

I don't give one single flippin frickin heck, dude. I'm cheesed off and ready to raise trouble.

>>34396123
But are you cheesed to meet?

I hate myself to the core. It doesn't matter what I do or accomplish I'll still be me. There's nothing I can do.

I want to play Project Zomboid and make a little farm SO bad. It's cheesing me off SO bad. I hope I don't end up going looney, running amok, and starting some trouble.

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>>34394787
Of course. I forgot to ask my fren for pictures of her cat. Will this work? He’s my little buddy.

>>34396241
I'm gonna knock all your stuff over.

>>34396258
Good boy. Come over here for head pat hour.

>>34396097
Bittersweet. Tell us about them, anon.

>>34396275
My cat name is Abacus. You know why? Because you can count on me.

Why are he and the kot so far away

Everything is going to be fine, but everything could be better if i wasn't such a useless idiot.

Are you now or have you ever been a purple haired anime girl

>>34396358
Currently no.

My father in law died the other day, I miss him a lot. Not every man is lucky enough to like their inlaws but he really took me under his wing and treated me like his own.

I miss you man, I'll take care of things while you're gone.

Fuck I wish I didn’t delete him during th incident. Now me no more complaining.

I can make it hurricane on it
Hunnid bands, make it rain on it
Tie it up, put a chain on it
Make you tattoo my name on it

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He's just like me fr fr

I have so many paranoiac tendencies and I don't know what to do about them. I realize I've always struggled with them, though. Even when I was 6, my mom said that she was watching a documentary about a woman who stabbed her son to death when he wouldn't stop crying, and she wasn't cognizant of the fact that I was paying attention to it. Said she came home the next day and every knife in the kitchen had been stashed under my pillow, even the plastic ones.

And that's how I see everyone, even my own wife. I'm fucking awful.

>>34396410
How is that an unhealthy paranoia though? People who watch serial killer shit are partly deranged in their own right.

Laid up, got me thinkin', babe
Tell me if you with it, 'cause I'm with it, babe
I haven't heard from you in a minute, babe
Just tell me what to do when I get it, babe...

>>34396414
Oh she was fucking crazy. Hoarder shit and backyard breeding, a million ankle biter dogs just crapping in the house.
She never hurt me, though, and, unlike the way she worked with my older brother, she made sure she didn't keep any boyfriends who would either.

She also found the whole thing funny, but it bothers me. I'm glad that someone else doesn't think I'm horrible for doubting people who are close to me.

>>34396421
You were probably murdered by someone who supposedly loved you in a past life. It doesn't come from nowhere.

>>34396426
Hah! Maybe.
My mother was actually hurt by a lot of people in her life who were supposed to be on her side, though. If things can be inscribed on someone's mind through reincarnation, then maybe the stories our parents lived also serve as some basis for our own world views, even unconsciously. Her parents hurt her, badly.

Last week at the pharmacy two old ladies who worked there said I have a great smile and laugh and it made me feel good because I never get compliments like that.

>>34396571
:D

>>34395727
You sound upset. Have you tried talking talking about it?

>>34395890
You sound upset. Have you tried talking about it?

>>34396143
Oh no!

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Finally exploded at my mom about how her treatment fucked me up as a kid. I didn't want to do it because my problems should only be my responsibility and I didn't want to bring her shame. Instead of being a classic bad parent and denying it she felt guilt and started crying about how she had been a "bad mom", her words not mine. Now I feel horrible because I didn't want to make her feel like she wasted her time raising me. Some faggots are going to come in here and tell me I shouldn't forgive her for what she did. Why shouldn't I forgive her? Why shouldn't I want her not to feel hurt in her soul? Now I just imagine a pained monologue in her head trying to cope with my rage against her. I made her feel like she failed and I wish I could just take the bad while keeping her in ignorance so she could feel happy. It's not useful for her to be sad. I fucked up again

Janelle, say sorry. I’m sorry. Say sorry back. Janelle \:< it’s ok, I’m not upset

>>34396639
whatd she do to make you feel this way in the first place?

>>34396651

She had very frequent meltdowns whenever I was having trouble at school, which was really often. She was right to be frustrated because we were poor and my performance in school wasn't any assurance but she would really go nuts whenever I brought home a report card. She just couldn't deal with anything, she was exploding in anger all the time because I was always bad at school and I grew further from her with time. Today I screamed at her and went on a whole tirade because this was the millionth time she was asking me why I don't ever ask her for help or tell her how I'm doing and when I finished my rant at her she was just too despondent and apologetic, it feels worse than if I had just said nothing.

Don't give them sympathy
Hold them accountable
See who sticks around

>>34395890
Do flip you evil cunt

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I still have a long way to go.
Everything is constantly blending and melting together. Right now I just want to distance myself from all I've wronged and all that's wronged me.
I dont even know if thats the right thing either but it seems nothing good will come from anything else.
It feels like something's permanently broken.
I'll keep moving forward I guess.

Why is finding a job so difficult?

I've been laughing all afternoon. Today was a hilariously fun day. It's kinda hot in here huh?

>>34396667
What happened

>>34396738
What happened

>>34393357
>look everywhere
>forums
>astrology
>tarot
>Iching
>therapy
>friends
>family
>school

>"look inward."

Nerves on fire each time I read/experience that with no cooperation from my peers

Everyone does and never will acknowledge a life besides mine and it is becoming deeply traumatizing

The world is becoming as unreal it is for me it was since highschool and I am dead scared to realize I am fundamentally isolated from the rest of it, reading like I am.the only person in existencd.

I've got to focus. I'm running out of time

Im so stunted in life, socially, romantically, sexually, even physically.
its not even quirky or manageable anymore, and it'll only make me feel worse and worse as i get older, i can’t imagine still being like this at 30+

I'll be honest, I'm massively into age play and loli, found some girl on Reddit posting her nudes, she looks underage, no tits, looks at most 4ft11 at best 70lbs. Face and eyes are basically dead and I'm just into it at all.
Funny how the fantasy is so much hotter than the reality.

>>34396123
because I don't have anyone else?

>>34397043
I'm not going to rush. Until I see real world action on the other side with me no reason to stress out myself

Having some quarter life crisis here.
Life is shit, but I still need to work to survive.
Have no idea how can I continue to live on for another 50 years with this shitty life.

>>34393637
Back hand smack their ass. Humans naturally know how to respond to this.

>>34393654
I had meatballs on Tuesday. What are the odds when there’s like four of us here?. Pretty wild. They sucked btw.

>>34395375
Ad maiorem Dei gloriam.
Fight!

I want to go home
I don't want to stay
Give up life
As a bad mistake

My parents are divorcing. My dad is such an asshole I have to disown him. Like he's literally fighting people in public and shit. My mom was an actual narcissist. Like, professionally diagnosed with NPD by a doctor. She used to beat my ass and she disowned me herself anyway.

I coukd theoretically work fulltime to support nyself but it feels like... being dead already? Like I really don't understand why I shouldn't just blow my shit smooth off at that point. It's basically the same thing as the 40 hour workweek.

I remember
Laying in bed thinking of you in red
My phone rumbles next to me
>I'd like to dwell there too.

I'd like to dwell there too.

Talk, or call the police/state you trust so much?

>>34393357
Went to see my favorite escort for my birthday. She knew it was my birthday because I told her the last time we met the week before.

For the special occasion of my birthday i asked her to do some dirty talk. Which I have never requested in any of our visits, i very rarely request anything at all. Her ad says she throws in for free even at her lowest rate.

And she denied the request and said she doesn't do it anymore.

I really wasn't expecting to be denied that. Thats a very simple request as far as requests go, and its not even an out of left field request as her ad states she literally throws it in for free.

I cant help but feel like ive been slighted. How hard is it to just say a few words? Ive given her over 35,000 dollars and she cant just give me a few words of validation on my birthday after I ask her to? Im not asking for much just one "I like sucking your dick" would have made me very happy.

Im a pretty easy to manipulate simp, and a little goes a long way with me, I had brought an extra 500 i was going to give her just to thank her for being so good to me, but I kept it because apparently she doesn't value me enough to even say a few nice words to me.

I think im going to take a long break from her which hopefully she notices as I've been a very consistent regular.

Not them but I’d like to dwell there too.

>>34393357
I quite like being alone. The issue - after a while - you get quite lonely.

>>34397568
>Ive given her over 35,000 dollars
I'm a brokie and I've had girls tell me to rape their little cunny and if they met me when they were 10 they'd pull me off from my college friends and suck my cock. FOR FREE and that's just the most heinous things I can remember!
ANON *DONK DONK DONK* imagine being so low confidence and so low rizz that you pay a whore 35k and you got nothing you wanted.
I literally couldn't. Pay me I'd be a better temptress and I'm a man

Called my mom yesterday for the first time in months. Told her if I can't get out of here they'll be paying for cremation and funeral. I told her I wasn't doing great over Christmas, went into detail this time. I have to get out of here. I can't stay here or I'm going to die. I've only been home once in a decade and I don't miss it but I'd rather be there than here. Leaving soon and not soon enough. Throwing up every morning last 3 days.

Bit of a morbid thing to say but I'm surprised people who are planning on killing themselves don't go on some sort of credit card spree.

Watching you guys complain about being single is like watching someone constantly trip themself over and then complain they aren't winning a race.

>>34397633
I know I can get another girlfriend but I'll be honest mentally and financially I'm not doing that great. My tinnitus has gotten insanely worse and I'm still beating myself up over it to be honest.

>>34397637
>i know i can get another girlfriend
>another
Quite frankly this wasn't directed at you. I'm talking about fuckwits who constantly sabotage themselves with clearly retarded behaviour and viewpoints then complain that women don't like them.

>>34394435
>how do you even deal with something like that?
You just do it, because you don't have another option. That's about it, unfortunately. I wish I had something better for you. But over time it'll probably feel less weighty, and maybe in a few years it'll even seem funny once you've grown some distance between who you are now and who you'll be then.
But for now, yeah, things have changed and you'll probably mourn that for a while. And that sucks, and it's unavoidable, but it's also pretty normal. Essentially, "this too shall pass." No one gets through life without at least one huge fuck up.

>>34397642
I know but I'm borderline ready to "I'm lonely" post. Age old issue of I'm not sure how to find women these days.
That said its not hard to get Insta and post my travels to Europe and look like a bit of a fuck boy.
My ex was ride or die, but uncomfortably so where I found it nearly impossible to have some alone time.

>>34397708
Yeah, but at least you have that history. I'm chatting with a human being at the moment. Not like most of the interactions on here.

>>34397642
Foids don't like guys if they're ugly. There are no viewpoints or behaviour. Lot of redditors are closeted incels, doesn't help them.
Your gender rightfully vet sex trafficked from infancy to gray hair.

I feel like I either need to kill myself or wait for my whole family to die or both

>>34397633
Last night I had a dream of a woman that was into me and I still fumbled it

Even though I'm in a relationship, I still feel so fucking lonely.

>>34397984
do you talk with your significant other

>>34397987
We talk everyday, but it drains my energy when it should be a source of strength and repose. I'm honestly happier when we're not talking.

>>34397994
You should break up with them then, I'm sorry.

>>34397994
was it always like that? how did you manage to go out in the first place

They voted to scrap the country. The fucking forestry service now. News flash guys you’re not the oligarchs this is meant to enrich.

Superior court judge agrees that the pictures don’t match. Third party dna results tell me I do match with one set. I told them “ok well if that is true it still doesn’t explain the use of doppelgängers and lying about it. Makes me wonder if the results was falsified so that the government can do more ‘investigating’”. Perhaps they don’t match and the government wants to paint me as an imposter or lying about my ignorance. Maybe the people who haven’t been spying on me for years are genuinely trying to figure things out? See if those results were legit and they still use doppelgängers and then lying about it I find the only reasonable explanations being 1. One or both of them are ex special operations and want to make things more complicated for assassins to hit their target 2. They murdered Derek and possibly Tammy before I was born to steal their house and identities 3. It’s just a giant government experiment to see what I do and they keep things fucked up in hopes to make is seem like they have more of an excuse to dispose of me. If the results were falsified that would mean that Tammy probably knows and is playing dumb in hopes that I get charged with what they are meant to be charged with or just buy time for her by causing lunacy and confusion. I’m not really sure if I’ve seen Derek from childhood since I was a child or not but I feel absolutely certain I’ve seen both Tammy’s. Does that make sense to u? So fuck off. I’m innocent. Trying to receive clarity and a definitive outcome. I’m not sure why a search warrant for childhood pictures has not been conducted yet at the very least. Hopefully a serious investigation has been launched by now. Does that make sense? If not then please ask me what I need to explain to help u understand.

Why I got burnout so fast?

Is there a term, word, or something to describe a very broad and generalized sense of confusion about things? I've been on and off afflicted with it recently.... I guess I can just opt for being retarded then try to make something of myself again. I've literally lost my direction that I was cultivating, I shattered it all in one week, but I don't know if now I'm just dealing with self defeating illusions or what. There's something else that's even more general that I was honing and I screwed it, as though I spilled my cup of hermes. In fact, I described what I experienced at the time as "alchemically spinning out".

How does one even recover from that? I know most don't even think like that so I don't know why I'm posting this here. Probably more fit for /x/. The very fact of asking rather than knowing is probably my first mistake.

>>34398279
It's a wierd problem, and hard to identify, because before I didn't feel assulted by contradictions and illusory ideas. I feel in a paradox. It's something similarly retarded to "procrastination", which was a retardation I was once seemingly immune to and overcame, and yet now, having spun out and lost my direction, I have these thoughts of some radically different paths I could potentially take, and I've lost harmony. I think you kind of have to think in a way that might be labeled "schizophrenic" to understand my faggotry. Maybe pray for me, since I'm fucking retarded. Prayer is more powerful than babble.

>tfw how much you care for your loved ones will never be reciprocated at the same level
It can be exhausting, and sometimes I feel unappreciated and want to just vanish from all their lives (not die, cut them all off), but I have to check myself and remind myself, their brains don't work like mine and that's unfair to expect how I am from a different brain

Still hurts occasionally though

>>34398339
>post this
>in the same minute get followed on twitter by a person who prays for everyone on there
I can't find an appropriate reaction image for this, but I felt I should post about it!

Every one who talked shit about suicide is eating their words today.

Owarimasen.

>>34398381
Nah I've had suicide ideation for 10+ years and I think anybody who advocates for it and sees it as a choice like abortion should be fucking wiped off this earth. Knew 2 good dudes who took their own lives, it isnt fucking worth it. If you really want to off yourself look up eternal recurrence, if helped change my mind lol.

Is it schizo behavior for me to instantly hide any thread I see that is religious in nature? I legitimately might have schizophrenia, have had religious psychosis, and I already have enough anxiety as is about God and reality and I almost all threads that are centered on religion turn nasty where no genuine desire for debate is held on either side so I just choose to not even enter those threads. I’ve convinced myself that if I am going to get spiritual guidance, it will not be from here

A lesson has shown itself in my mess, that ultimately, I need something besides myself to rely on, and every time things are toppled I go to God. I rely on God for everything and I can do nothing on my own.

>>34398381
I think about it ever so often
>I really could just drive into this truck right now and it'd be over
but no matter how low I sink, suicide will never claim me

What I hate the most lately is that when you try to get stuff off your chest their just isn't anybody to listen or everyone just has some snarky comment to make. When I was in high school and I graduated in 2012, you could get people responding to you with paragraphs and telling you how they felt. It's because everybody wasn't stretched out across dozens of different apps. People were more lonely so this place was more special. I miss connecting with you people like that. I have never been able to feel nice in a discord group or even in a Skype group. I had the scape group go to real life for my state and I even hosted parties and camping trips. I was never really a part of them. I was just the host. I still miss it. I think I'm going to try and be friends with my brother. Not the uppity one, the one that seems like he's trying to become a person like me. My boyfriend and him really get along so I think it will be a nice way to become friends.

>>34398381
what does this even mean?

Had my first sexual experience today, I was nervous, but it also didn't feel that good.
I don't know what to feel, it's not that big of a deal.

>>34398537
Also, I didn't mean that him becoming a better person would mean that he is like me. I mean that we are both trying to be better people

>>34398537
Plus all the schizos in here, feels like I'm in a crowd just thinking and trying to avoid looking in the eyes of a crazy person walking around, so I don't get their attention.
I've tried online connections, and they can be nice, made lots of online friends, but it lacks a lot that comes with being near people.
I hate being jokingly insulted online, online banter, online games, etc, but I don't mind in person.
Oh and the weird people that will rp to your post, fuck those

i'm a 31 year old man living with his 75 year old dad, I'm really worried about my future. When my dad passes away i'm going to be in a really bad spot, the house will be sold and split between numerous siblings, and I will have to go out and get a job and rent my own place. As a 31 year old with zero work experience, I'm pretty certain it will be absolutely impossible for me to get a job anywhere. I'm going to be homeless and jobless.

I have time right now to actually train, learn something, but I'm completely paralyzed, I don't know what to do, I'm really stupid and have no skills I basically flunked school. I tried to get into coding but gave up after five months because it was just insanely difficult. I've tried working small part time in the past like waiter work but got fired within 4 months every time.

I'm not looking for advice here because there isn't any, I'm simply fucked, the only silver lining to all this is my dad will die thinking I have a degree in something (I don't) and that I will be fine, he won't feel any worry towards me and my situation.

I'm in love but he wants kids and I don't and I'm moving to another country.

Does it ever get better

>>34398561
That was really kind of you to respond and connect with me thanks. It really does feel like people in here are in some contest to see who is the most schizo or least affected. And like you said I can connect with people online in The superficial way but I am just trying to toe the line. I get banned so easily from places. I am also the same as you and have never gotten used to ribbing. Unlike you, I do mind it in person. I'm just very uppity and have never gotten over it. Also thanks for being nice and talking. Mean about the people that role play and be weird on here. Do you have a funny story about them doing that to you? If not, I am sorry that has happened to you.

>>34393357
I want to R but my prefrontal coretex and the legal system prevents me from doing this

>>34398575
You're starting from zero. You have more potential then you think but don't try to jump into late-game content at the start. Find a job you can tolerate or even like, minimalism, save, invest.

>>34398583
No problem, I like connecting with people in general, I just really enjoy talking I guess, it's why I'm here in this site, or used to be more, until it became too reddit, too Twitter.
You said boyfriend so I'm assuming ur a girl? I can understand why you don't like joke insults, as a guy I'm used to it, and I do it to my female friends but in a way softer way, but that's just me assuming ur a chick.
Why the hell do you get banned often anyway?
Also I've had a few people being cruel here when RPing, but most are so silly I just laugh it off, I don't remember a specific funny one, just a few sad ones saying shit like "oh pls come back" "I like you too"

>>34398582
No.

>>34398064
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

>>34398628
Yeah I have no idea why my boyfriend and his friends are so mean to each other but I guess it makes their bonds stronger. There must be something they understand that I don't because I have no friends. I think it is linked to having a strong father figure. His dad is former military and mine is only former Navy and is weak. I get banned a lot just for the most random crap on places because people use stuff that looks at my post history. People get a grudge against me then ban me for the smallest infraction. I get under people's skin.
It's cute that you role-play. I can't with you because I'm taken but that's sexy.

>>34398651
Not sure about the father figure thing, I didn't have one, my dad was a piece of shit anyway, so I'm glad he wasn't around.
I think it's about intent and what you believe about yourself, if you think you're a worthless piece of shit cuz ur fat, and someone calls you fat it will confirm that belief you have of yourself, when I know people's intent is not to harm me, I won't get offended, plus u gotta be friends with a person, there's context, etc.
I've had that sorta shit happen to me, it was a bunch of leftists being assholes in a discord server cuz I believed in a conspiracy theory that a few months back turned out to be true, but I don't really wanna discuss politics, nor do I care much for it.
Haha, thanks, are you into RP or something? Maybe your bf likes that shit too, who knows.

>>34398644
Live it.
Change it.

>>34398695
But I am just one femanon. Maybe I’ll join the local spring clean up.

>>34398651
>There must be something they understand that I don't because I have no friends. I think it is linked to having a strong father figure.
as a sensitive, thoughtful guy who struggles to banter with his friends, this is the missing piece for me. my dad died when i was a kid so i never learned to have thick skin and be competitive or form strong male bonds and shit like that.

Internet has killed God. All Hail the Great Internet beast, who can make war with it?

If I was sneaky enough for my dad to not hear me sneak out to the liquor store while he was taking a nap, I can get away with 12 drinks tonight instead of my alotted 3

>>34398895
Silly idea. Don't be like that Anon!

>>34398907
Are you the alchy woman, gay, or transperson who still lives with their parents?

>>34398913
I have not posted about my alcoholism here before
However since you bring it up I'm a bisexual man who mostly dates trans women
I don't live with my parents, I'm staying with my dad for a couple weeks attempting a slow taper down from 15+ drinks a night since he didn't like the idea of me going to detox and now addict brain is kicking in

>>34398962
Oh. Damn, okay. I'll help you kick the habits.

>>34398969
How are you gonna do that as a 4chan anon

>>34398983
Just stop for like an hour, I can change your want for it.

i fucking hate women so god damn much fuck.

>>34398907
Good news, he didn't clock me as a liar or kinda buzzed
I get to get properly drunk tonight
>>34398987
Yeah I'll have stopped for an hour
Butt I'm gonna have that beer in the freezer in about 30 minutes

>>34398994
What happened today anon?

>>34399070
Just watch.

I did everything for others. Nobody knows my true self and nobody would understand even if they did. If I truly did anything for myself I would become an alien to my family, they would disapprove of my choices, there would be tension. I'm a coward.

Bit of an overdone bit, but the Eurovision Israeli song... I don't know what it is about the music video but those women are insanely hot.
In an era of sex less, drag inspired looks that simply make women look ugly seeing those baby killers dressed up like that actually made me feel a certain type of way

I like captchas. Or at least the new ones. The old word problems and what not got old really fucking fast. But these puzzle and pattern recognition ones are more engaging. Like a little brain game between posts. I like that. It's like a somewhat reasonable compromise for the predicament we're all in.

My back hurts today

>>34398550
It feels better when you actually like the person you're doing it with
Had a mental breakdown when I first had sex and felt nothing. Turns out having sex in a crack den doesn't help you keep it up.

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Munching on honey roasted peanuts if u even care

>>34399162
They're pretty good. I recently tried dill pickle peanuts and they were also pretty good.

>>34399162
Mmm honey roasted peanuts. Haven’t had some in ages.
>>34399153
Go take some meds for it. If I could be there I would give you a back rub. Hope you feel better soon.

>>34399162
lol

>>34399167
Thanks. But I prefer medless if possible

>>34399178
Okily dokily. You need an ice pack? If so say psppspsps and I will come back with it and some pillows.

>>34399183
No thanks. It's only 2/10 on the pain scale but it doesn't go away. It's more irritating than anything

>>34399185
I hope you feel better soon. Oyasuminasai.

I have this retarded desire to know what it's like to fall in love. Lmao how retarded is that? I'm gay or something.

>>34399212
nigga u ain't gay

>>34399212
love is a modern psyop propagated by hollywood glowies and corporate slop

>>34399219
True! Sorta. I'm just retarded.
>>34399220
Suicidality inducing doompill for a hopelss romantic.

>>34399227
nigga u ain't retarded

This chick is pure fucking ego
She's a weirdo that needs constant validation and is destined to crash and burn

>>34399235
Sad!

>>34399228
Well, maybe I'm not, but I am crafted for suffering, it seems.

>>34399249
that's the human experience bro

>>34399251
Well.... I don't much like it!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZODpwUXd61s

>>34399249
Yeah, and like the rest of us, a lot of it is what you're doing to yourself. We all need to lighten up a little. But you're gonna make it, bro.

>>34399260
Well, I don't mean to be overly negative, for other peoples sake.

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>>34399267
I hope! I certainly haven't given up hope, daunting as the merciless forces of the world appear at times.

Got drunk when I got home last night for literally no reason but habit and opportunity and had no fun at all. Just getting drunk like it's my job. I feel like I've spent the last year letting my life disintegrate in favour of nestling into coping mechanisms that no longer serve me, and now there's nothing left and I don't remember how to at least pretend to be human.

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>>34399274
A while ago I watched a documentary about the Cryogenian Period, commonly called "Snowball Earth". For nearly a hundred million years, the Earth was mostly frozen in ice. But this happened long, long after life already existed on the planet. Life became so scarce that it was only very simple organisms, or in some cases basically bacteria and other microbes surviving in equatorial bodies of water, even if just ponds and puddles.
It hit me like a tonne of bricks. Those organisms hadn't yet evolved to have thinky-thinky parts like we do, so they can't observe and make abstractions on their own condition the way we can. But it dawned on me that basically these things had no reason to live. Their existence was pure, frozen hell. But they clung to life on this Earth, which eventually became part of what we are now. They just did what it was in their nature to do, the same as deep down, it's in your nature, too. Survival and struggle are at the core of life on this planet from the very beginning. But it hit me because these guys were surviving shit that no human can comprehend, and here we are self-terminating. I don't judge; I'm that way myself. But this was a game changer for me.
So hang in there. Do it for me, and do it for those tiny fucking microbes that died hundreds of millions of years ago. We both owe it to them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDY1y0OL50A

Begone thoughts

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>>34399296
Thanks, Terry Davis coded Anon.

>>34399334
Although I like some stuff about the guy, I feel like Terry would have called me a nigger for not believing in God.

>>34399350
Probably lol.

my life sucks so fucking bad due to things out of my control. if I was born white I just would've been a wife to a handsome racist white man. fuck my nigger life!

>>34399366
What made you hate your Ethnic background? What made you hate yourself?

Genitals make me want to puke

>>34399363
Oh well. I still like him. Anyway, man. All the best in the future.

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>>34399379
You too Anon. WAGMI

The police are watching me shitpost.

>>34399387
They're watching me try to be a good person as well, despite my pitfalls.

>>34399387
My guardian fed/s watched me shitpost but I became a little too cringe, I may have gone in a less than ideal direction that resulted in expression that was jarring in the face of what I'd shown myself to be. Allegedly.

>>34399391
Hear hear. Thanks for the effort; most people don't even try.

>>34393357
Damn. I just did what Pepe said and I immediately felt better.

Stranger laughed in my face on seeing me today.
I know I look weird but I can't help it. Just trying to live my life.

>>34399391
>>34399393
>guardian
How naive you are

>>34399409
I didn't say they were my guardian, but I understand how taxing their job could be.

My head feels heavy and my chest is tight. I feel like I'm being taken for a fool. Why would she do this?

>>34399409
It's obviously a humourous play on "guardian angel" which watches you at all times. Who could be deluded that they have a fed alotted to take care of them? If you draw their attention it's bare minimum to study, you can deduce that much. You could in theory have an indirect dialogue with them however. LOL

>>34399403
There's potentially a lot to unpack there. But ultimately they can only do a thing like that if something is wrong in them. It's the same as when someone abuses you, especially someone who doesn't know you. It has nothing to do with who you are, and more to do with something else going on in them that you can't see clearly.

>>34399372
everyone on the fucking planet hates my race, i will never know happiness or a normal life

>>34399415
>>34399420
Oh

>>34399434
I think about that too but I know it feels bad because I am insecure and I feel bad about being insecure. I know people can smell it on me because I see it easily in videos of myself and it is pathetic despite decades of trying.
I am just overall in a weird mood, the other day it felt like all my mental barriers fell down and I could see myself as a delusional unpleasant person and couldn't turn away. I've never had anything like that happen before. So this was just the cherry on top.
Today I can at least comfortably lie to myself about who I am again... So that's something. But a feeling of melancholy has persisted.

>>34399235
Hater that is projecting jealousy. She’s successful and people in her corner are cheering her on. She’s forever fortunate. You on the other hand are pathetic and obsessed writing about her on 4chan. What a loser. You crashed and burnt crisp.

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Alright I was only waiting in line for nicotine. I was only required to take abilify in the evening this time. Still technically didn’t need the nicotine I guess.

>>34399436
I don't hate your race, but I'm brown.

>>34399444
Sounds like a young man in need of confidence to me. What do you do with your life away from here?

>>34399395
I hope this doesn't get you in trouble, but I appreciate the recognition.

>>34397588
What I wrote in my post about the red light is to the girl who said that to me when I asked what time her plane is landing. This was several years ago.

If you are her then that feels good to hear, better with your voice.

Otherwise I'll keep the course.

>>34398550
Hope you saved it for the one otherwise that is a huge negative. I wish I hadn't list mine with a gf in college. That was a bad relationship. She only wanted me for sex

>>34399418
It was a false alarm because I'm a stupid paranoid faggot. Just fuck my shit up dude. Just. Fuck. My. Shit. Up.

>>34398644
Stars are better than places imo

>>34399511
Don't worry; it's quite alright. I know what I can reasonably expect, and I said it, anyway. When I'm not shitposting, I try to spread good vibes on here. Vent and help other people.

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>>34399436
Ah I wouldn't worry about it, please don't be bogged down Anon. Most of that stuff is on the internet, but it's also not something you should take too seriously. Most don't really harbor strong hatred, let alone any really hatred, even on the internet, but even so, you're best bet is just to be a good example and to try and have a loving regard for people. Judging by the fact you call yourself a nigger I think you've already absolved any problem intrinsic in that word lol, you'd find commonality with some people who would be called "racist" just for that, on which subject, most of those people would be the first to discourage you from self hatred on the basis of your race, ironically.

This is not to say there isn't enmity, with the "black fatigue" stuff and all that, but generally you see that directed at some pretty specific stuff, clear and obvious behaviors that people don't like, and on top of all of this, you mostly see this stuff on the internet. IRL you don't see a lot of it. At worst people are just unkind. I don't think you'll have to worry too much about your future on account of your race. People also don't like forced racial integration, that fosteres resent especially when there's a cultural chasm between groups, but people tend to self segregate anyways. I would discourage you from letting it disturb your peace Anon.

>>34399507
I'm 35. I'm a QA engineer and I write music as a hobby. I recently had to start over with music for reasons I don't want to get into and the lack of community/views has definitely made me feel lonely. Maybe my confidence is just shot by that, I have this feeling like I'm regressing.

>>34399583
It doesn't go back further? How were you when you were young? Btw I'm older than you, so don't take the young thing as an insult.

>>34399585
I've always been self conscious. I try to fake it until I make it, and it seems to have helped in some respects but it's very easy for my thin shell of confidence to evaporate.

>>34399593
Yeah, fair enough. I think it's common for a lot of guys these days. Do you play live music? What instrument/s do you play?

>>34399598
I make electronic music. Haven't played live since starting over. I'm going to be getting in front of a live audience as soon as possible with my new material.

I kinda think it's funny that NPCs were all social justice warriors for years and then they got the racism update overnight.

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What am i supposed to do with my life? Is porn and games all that there is to this? I've stopped masterbaiting and i have nothing else going for me, what am i supposed to do? How do i find something more productive i guess? I feel like my life is empty and that i have to change that but i have literally no desire for anything, i don't have any ambition, but at the same time im not content just rotting away fapping and playing games
help please

>>34399631
Hobbies. Hobbies have been the best thing in my life. Creative hobbies to feel fulfilled, nerdy hobbies to make friends, nature hobbies to get outside, and exercising to clear my head.
If you don't naturally collect hobbies I don't know what to do about that. But if you do find something you might have an interest in try pursuing it.

>>34399636
>If you don't naturally collect hobbies I don't know what to do about that.
Well that's a bit of a problem, i tried reading before but couldn't get into it, I'm also willing to force myself to workout because it's not something i completely detest and I'm used to working out on and off. I'm scared of asking why though, like if i workout or read a book and midway through i start asking myself "what's the point?" how do you deal with that? Any suggestions?

Autism is a curse

>>34399707
I like mine but no one would know I had it unless I say that I do.

>>34399707
Real

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I feel stuck in my friendships. This might be a skill issue on my part, but it feels like we took opposite forks on the path of life cus theyre all neets who scroll or play video games all day. In college I realized that the working world is fucking miserable and I only have so much time until I have to grovel to a jew to be able to afford food so Ive been doing more stuff and going outside and hiking etc. The thing is, my friends havent changed and theyre still in their houses all day and only hang out when the plan is sitting around in a basement and watching youtube slop and it gets old so fast. I wanna go hiking and see cool places and break into abandoned buildings and stuff but theyre so used to the spiritually depraved and misery inducing suburbs that they hate doing anything. I want to stop talking to them but im retarded and probably wont be able to find friends. Do I just have to accept being alone?

I've been away from here for a while, and I missed some of the people that are regulars here. I'm worried because I demonstrated I don't care about them, despite that being the opposite of the truth. They couldn't leave my thoughts during all of the time I've been away. I am to frankly put it, deeply infatuated with them. I've been away because I was protecting my ego by staying in my comfort zone, and also IRL stuff: my parents are going through a divorce. I thought that was the worst possible thing that could have happened at that point of my life, but that may have turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I don't live with my dad anymore and not receiving constant criticism for everything I do or don't do greatly improved my mental health. Mind you, some of that criticism is completely valid, but there are ways and ways to talk down to someone. I don't think putting up a stonewall and talking behind my back from where I could hear is the right way to lead someone to change. If anything it only repressed what I could have made out of my life without their negative influence in it.
Anyway. I sold all of the gold I had from baptism gifts and got myself a car with the money I got. It's definitely not "good" but it's what I needed: it runs fine, it doesn't consume much gas, the AC works. Now I'm in a much better position than before. If I were to be living completely alone I would definitely be able to do what I want to, for now just voice chatting while at stupid o' clock at night, and I'm working towards that.