Two: I have attachment issues stemming from somewhere that cause me to hoard connections with people like one would hoard anything else. I've always been a bit of a hoarder. I'm one of those "I might have use for that" sort of people who can't throw much of anything away unless it's blatantly garbage. Even as I was growing up, it was terribly difficult to get me to give up almost any of my childhood toys because I was emotionally attached to them, even though they'd have just sat in a box forever. As an adult, I have multiple drawers full of old computer components: hard drives, graphics cards, memory, motherboards, cell phones, laptops, CD-ROMs, floppies, etc. I have bins and bins of game consoles and jewel game cases. I think it's reasonable to say this personality quirk/autism is branching off into making it so I'm hoarding this other person. Which would also line up with how I become unreasonably anxious when she doesn't reply to me for any length of time, especially when I check and see she's online in Discord. I think the fact that I even make that check is symptomatic of something being wrong in there. I am in no uncertain terms obsessed with her, to an unhealthy degree. This is what I consider to be the most likely candidate. And even if it's not wholly responsible, it may also feed into possibility three.

Three: She is a backup plan, whether I realize it or not. I think this is the least likely possibility, simply because she is not wife material, not for me. She is capable of being a very loving, considerate, loyal, hardworking person. She often is many of those things. However, she is also not even close to trustworthy. I mean, she's actively cheating on her husband with me. She was also lying to me about her talking to ANOTHER dude at the same time she was claiming to be in love with "only" me while also lying to HIM about being in love with "only" him. Not to mention her randomly sending nudes to a third guy for reasons I can't comprehend (and she doesn't know I know about that one - not worth explaining unless asked). She is a liar, and she has been since I met her. Even if I were to go steady with her after her imminent divorce (I've been helping her with the paperwork), the resultant relationship would be so incredibly toxic you'd have trouble writing fiction about a more volatile situation. I'd see to it that I knew where she went and when, who she talked to, and what they talked about, because I'd know I couldn't trust her, and that's not a relationship worth having. Which I think leads back to the other two possibilities, particularly two. While some part of my mind may see her as a fallback plan, realistically, I would be better off dying alone.

>>34405583
Okay my input is this, I've read the gist of all three posts so here is my rapid-fire impressions:

1) Yes you are using her for sexual satisfaction. But she uses you for that too. That's why you're bad for each other, because keyword: 'Using'. You both use each other as objects during flashes of sexual craving, and there is severance of actual love there. If you actually loved each other you wouldn't fuck in this case. Because love is about caring for the well-being of the other person. You know you stand to abet her into marital ruin, and she stands to keep you strung along and fucked up every time you both fuck. Knowing this, if you loved the other person you would not contribute to that outcome for them. You can therefore sag you both do not love each other. This is about the fleeting and failing attempts to feel right in yourselves, using each other as a release.

The reason you are attracted despite her conventional looks being sub-par is because attraction is 10% looks 90% familiarity. Attraction is formed by habit, formed by what feels familiar. You banged her since you were late teens, she's a comfort blanket for you. That's the attraction, it's familiarity. She's a bad habit.

Secondly your hoarding impulses could be put down to OCD or in your case OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder) think of it like super-OCD. I know a bit about this niche disorder because my dad is a hoarder too, he also hoards people. He got like that because he incurred significant and traumatic loss as a child. His family went homeless one time and his shit got kicked out on the streets, both his possessions as a child and his body got kicked around by the vagrants trying to steal his shit on the pavement.

He became obsessed you see, with trying to hoard a much as possible. So he could never feel the sting of loss ever again. Maybe you've got a origin for your hoarding too.

Lastly yes you are obsessed. Not with her, just the idea of losing her.

>>34405583
Get her pregnant and make the cuck she's married to raise the kid. Maybe impregnate and then cut all contact.
Wouldn't that be great? I want to do this to some married women because it's taboo and would be funny.

>>34405598
>>34405583
>Lastly

Yes it would be a grave mistake to help her divorce and go steady with her. You already know and can see why, she is a proven liar. And you, whether you can and it it or not, helped her build this lies. The reason why kies of this nature are toxic is because they aren't 100% lies. They're 50% true. Half-truths conveniently bent and shaped to fool others, that is the heart of deception. And you are her 50% truth to her lies she tells people, (you) are the foundation which she builds lies upon. You took part in her game, and that's why it kills you. And presumably is one of the many hooks in your spirit that prevents you from finding something better, because of that nagging feeling kind you do not deserve better.

But you do, even she does, but what makes a fuck-ups a fuck-up is because they refuse to choose the better options. Typically from being too up their own melodramatic fantasies, aka up their own ass.

Truth is you can choose better even if you don't feel deserving or shit, hell it can be chosen while feeling precisely nothing. Because choosing better isn't about thoughts or feelings it's about cold blooded action.

An action you struggle to take even when knowing how bad a route she would be for your life. And that is because she enables your mental malady, of control, hoarding and obsession. She did not cause it, she is not responsible for it. But mark my words. If you allowed her to depart from your life, and you wait out the three month slump of loss, and truly accept she is gone. You will notice your mental malady of control and hoarding will diminish along with the memory of her.

But you need to take the fucking leap of faith man an dve rid of her, knowing it will suck but doing it anyway

>>34405598
>>34405620

You've actually been very helpful. After reading a bit about OCPD, I think that's something to discuss with my psych and my therapist, because there are a lot of traits described that fit me absolutely perfectly, especially with several aspects of my personality I've internally ascribed to undiagnosed autism.

And I think you're spot on with your other points like the familiarity, the supposed "love" being more of an excuse than anything, and hoo boy do I let myself get caught up in melodramatic fantasies in spite of knowing better.

You are really just confirming what I already knew, but it helps it sink in when someone else tells me instead of giving me the opportunity to question myself.

I've only ever loved my ex who I lost half a decade ago and he is the only one I'll ever choose. I'm excited to be his again.

>>34405653
You're welcome. And yeah autism and OCD/OCPD can often be confused, or hell sometimes someone can have both. People talk a lot about personality disorders, especially lately with the BPD/Narcissism boogeyman. Truth is personality disorders are just behavioural cycles that have set into someone like cement due to the behavioral cycle lasting a long long time, it becomes ingrained breaching even personality and spill into core characteristics. That's the crux of personality disorder.

OCPD is one of the least understood of all personality disorders, and yet of all of them, it's the most common one. 7 - 9% occurrence. Bring it up with your therapist by all means.

Now my dad he still has it. Always will, he could never shake that monkey off his back, he will die as an OCPD. But the good news is that's okay to have a personality "disorder". The trick is in how you use it. Rather than hoard shit at home or hoard people, get into retail, get into warehousing get into making a career out of hoarding the shit out of everything you want where your obsessions are not only helpful to society but also rewarded. That's how you make it all work.

You can make anything work with this situation with the chick friend.

Both the drawers full of crap and the girlfriend-who-isn't-a-girlfriend are substitutes for something else missing in your life - "If I can't have that, at least I can have this".

With the help of your therapist, figure out what "that" is.

>>34405703
>You can make anything work with this situation with the chick friend.

Meant to type "can't". My bad OP

>>34405802
>>34405653
Another point that occurs to me the more I contemplated your thread OP, is there is most likely a bitter irony waiting for both you and this chick if you did decide to become "steady". The attraction between you will perish and die most likely. Remember, the reason why you both have mutual magnetism is because it's less to do with you as a person or her as a person. It has everything to do with the dynamic, the dynamic is hot & cold/push & pull/up & down/touch & go. A rollercoaster basically. And rollercoasters are fun, but if you stay in them for hours in ends someone eventually throws up, it becomes sickening, becomes "toxic".
Now as clever as we humans think we are we're actually kind of retarded. Because we have a tendency to become exactly like a dog and go back to our own vomit, particularly if it's familiar vomit. Which means whenever we feel bored, lonely, or stressed we become numb and hollow. And we demand to be shaken up back to life, and we will seek something like a rollercoaster to make us feel something, anything, one more time. In this case the rollercoaster is this dynamic you have with this chick.

So you're both attracted to the dynamics but not each other, not really. Now let's say she divorces her hubby, and you two "go steady". Guess what gets killed? The dynamic. Guess who seeks out an affair to relive the old dynamic that she can no longer have with (you)? She does. Then you will not only lose the dynamic you have a bittersweet and sickly attachment to, you'll have inherited all the problems her husband currently has. You'd have simply swapped places with him.

Is that all worth it?