21M. Five years ago, I met someone I could truly be myself with. We broke up because of distance, on good terms.Since then, things with women have been easy. I’ve had plenty of experiences and opportunities for relationships, but none of it feels meaningful anymore. I’m tired of it. What I can’t seem to find is someone I can be real with.I can be "myself", and that version attracts women, but most interactions feel shallow. It’s like I keep meeting different versions of the same person. I’m rarely surprised. I’m tired of making out, tired of the “falling in love” look, tired of sex. And I hate how easy it’s been, because people catch feelings, and I don’t like hurting them.Lately, I’ve turned to anonymity online. There, people feel more open, more genuine... closer to what I’m actually looking for.I know I’ll probably meet someone like her again. I know I shouldn’t rush it. But I can’t shake the feeling, I just want one person I can look in the eyes and be fully myself with.I have a close male friend I’m open with, but it’s not the same. There’s a depth you only reach with someone you love.What frustrates me is the contrast: how real people feel when they’re anonymous, and how performative we become face to face. Even me.I just want to be with someone the same way I am when I’m alone. I know it’s possible, since I’ve lived it. So why does it feel so hard?Maybe it’s not that rare. Maybe it just takes time.Still… I have everything, and I feel empty.If I’m completely honest, I just came from hanging out with a female friend who once had a crush on me (and I had at that time). I thought there might still be something there, so I asked if she wanted a kiss, but she didn’t really. We stayed out until 6am, walking and talking. It was nice in a way. She made me feel like a teenager again.But at the same time, I could feel it: we don’t really connect. Not in the way I’m looking for. I didn't even saw the kiss as a sexual way, but just a more profound... hug
What reassures me is how naturally two souls connect when they truly understand each other. As I said, I know the answer is to wait. But I’m genuinely scared that I don’t know how to be loved... or even worse, that I can’t love another person anymore, like I’ve already experienced everything.Saying this at 21 sounds absurd, irrational even. But I’ve overanalyzed it so much that it doesn’t feel impossible.
>>34415600You remind me of a friend I know and I'm quite open with. Fuck, you might really be him, he sometimes uses this site, same age, though to my knowledge he doesn't really go on /adv/. Guess you'll tell by what I say here.Anyways, he's told me a lot about this the past few years. Just the intense longing he has for any such connection, sometimes going hours about the ways he sees humans, how annoyed he is at others who just live on the surface level, etc. But, he doesn't just live in his own head, in his own way has really tried being proactive in meeting people like that, and never fully finding the mark. Whenever I listen to him, I sometimes think to myself how much of this is self imposed. Like, for me even if I don't fully click with somebody, I tend to be quite swayed by falling for them, and usually tend to change myself a fair bit around them, to match a dynamic I'm unused to. I still don't see how somebody can see such stuff as peurile, unless, like my friend, they've become jaded enough from constantly finding it an impossible path to true connection. Well, he's still right now been in this rut. But, especially how stubborn he is, he seems to never really be able to change this part about himself either. Plus, with him having high drive, outside of trying to find this through people directly, he's been doing it through art. At first it was long diatribes on specific media, character analyses etc (has a pendant for romance) and now got more into the groove of writing things himself. Trying to depict and understand people more and more through it, not a replacement but another outlet for his neverending frustration. I'm not really presenting this as a solution, just figured it'd be interesting for you to hear it. Personally I'd think that such a mindset is in some ways narcisistic (seeing yourself above so many things regular people covet) but actually knowing people like you I know it stems from a deeper desire to connect, which can't change.
