I apologise if this is tacky, i have never posted here before but this seems way less censored than other platforms(^-^) So for context i am 18 years old, i was raped by my cousin brother when i was 9 years old, he was 21 i believe?when it happened. He is in his early 30s now. I have very clear memory of what happened and the things he would do to me. I have never told anyone about what happened cause i had alot of issues with my parents too at the time and he had convinced me it was normal,once i did find out it was infact not normal i just felt too shameful to tell anyone. He is very close with my dad and he comes over every one or two months, since about a year ago or so everytime he comes over i just want to stab him,i keep subconsciously imagining hurting him and feel like im ruining my own mental health by even thinking about it. It doesn't help that whenever he visits,he tries to hug me and even makes handshakes weird ugh. Realistically speaking i would never be able to do any of the things i imagine about, so just thinking about it makes me feel so pathetic, i dont know how to uh redirect?this feeling but i feel like at the end of the day im just making myself feel more miserable,i wish i could just turn my brain off.Thanks for reading so much,any advice would be appreciated(^-^)
>>34419201There are probably ways to get over this. Ask other rape victims or read their healing stories.
>>34419201I doubt that you will be able to overcome hostile feelings towards your rapist. I'd tell your father and hope he doesn't get invited back over
>>34419201The way you talk about it, casually almost makes it sound like you had normalized it too. That's how trauma works by the way, so I get it. You sort of have to normalize it to stay sane. You notice something though? Read what you wrote. >He has tried to convince me it was normal.Do you know what this means? He felt it was normal to rape a family member. He had normalized it, just like you did. What does this suggest? Someone in the family raped him too. And he learned it was OK and he did it to you. Which is not uncommon for sibling rape. The rapist sibling had been raped before, and they rape their younger sibling. The way to redirect the feeling is to redirect yourself away from that family, far away, very far away. Leave that home and that family and do not look back.
completely cut contact, if someone asks why be prepared to explain why you have such a strong stance, just know people are retarded and they might side with the rapistthere is no winning anon, you might wait your whole life and take revenge when hes on his deathbed or otherwise impaired, thats what i would do
>>34419201Always keep in mind that he touched your body, not your character or soul. You aren't defiled, you aren't damaged and you aren't ruined. Any trauma you feel now comes from living in the past, so it's vital to learn how to live in the present.For the sake of closure it may help to confront him privately, but not until you're at peace and have learned how to stop feeling anger over what happened. There's no point in fishing for an apology until you're ready to accept and apology.
>>34419224i might have worded that wrong,sorry. I meant he tried to convince me so that i wouldn't tell anyone or question it, he used to say that its just how adults play
>>34419231(TvT) i cant cut contact yet cause i live with my parents and he just comes over whenever, i definitely will in the future once i can though
>>34419256No you didn't word it wrong. He still tried to normalize it. He told you that's just how adults play. It means that when he was little, that is how an adult played with him. That's why he said that.
>>34419266if he comes somehow announced you can dip, eventually your parents will notice, now it depends if theyre the kind of parent to stand up for you or they disregard your actionsdont worry anon, all shall pass
>>34419272Honestly im not aware if he went through it too as a child or not but to be very honest, even if he did i dont think i'd feel bad, i understand you go through shit but that doesn't mean you have to drag everyone else through it too
>>34419272>>34419256I'm sorry OP I shouldn't have sprung that information so abruptly. It's just that while I have never been raped myself, I have family who were raped, not my parents family but cousins from an uncle. He raped his own daughter. He was in prison for a long time. He turned himself in, she forgave him they tried to make things right. He died of alcohol related illness, she died from an OD. My dad told me about his story, he was raped and molested as a boy, from his aunt (my great aunt). So when you told me about how your brother tried to normalize it to you, and said that's how adults play, it means he feels or thinks adults play like that. And that suggests an adult did that to him as a kid.
>>34419293Of course. You are correct, too. And the fact you know this speaks to your resolve and your intelligence. My intent isn't to excuse him or anything, but just to inform you that the family dynamic may be unsafe for you mentally. It may be time to try and find somewhere healthy to be
>>34419295holy sheet man, thanks for mentioning it though i never thought of it like that but desu i think that just makes me feel shittier cause on one hand i want to rip his guts apart for what he did but i'd also feel bad for him
>>34419224I had the same stance as you are for OP but the issue is that OP never told their family as in MOM and DAD about it. It's shameful but it is what it is.Meanwhile other woman out there would make up stories about being raped and the innocent accused rapist takes huge punishment out of it.Their parents never know what happened and they'll always do family gathering and bonding with their rapist until OP tells their parents completely. It is true that it's OP's parents are to be blamed out of this but OP never told their parents about it to make up for being unable to protect their child and let it happened.OP can always disown the family but judging from this OP still resides their parent's home so there's no other choice here until OP is able to move out and disown and cut off their family contacts.
>>34419314another info is that im pretty sure my mother knew?the day it happened, i couldn't walk at all and had to limp around for a few days and problem is i dont have clear memory of the aftermath, i just remember my mom telling me not to tell anyone and my little 9 year old self was like ok mother,we have never talked about it but she doesn't act weird around the cousin either so im just confused
>>34419309>i think that just makes me feel shittier cause on one hand i want to rip his guts apart for what he did but i'd also feel bad for himIt's normal to feel both, and it's normal to feel both at the exact same time. I know the word 'normal' has a sour meaning because the situation isn't normal, but the human feelings towards it, that's normal. A feeling I can relate to but not for rape. My whole family tree is poisoned unfortunately. My uncle's branch was the rape branch of the tree. My family was the violence and aggression branch of the tree. So I understand the feeling of hating the people who hurt you, yet not wanting to feel bad for them at the same time. It's a very foggy and confusing place to be.>>34419314I can't tell OP what to do but my gut feeling is telling her Mom and Dad would be the worst approach. For multiple reasons, but I'll name the most humane reasons:If you are a mother or father, and your daughter or son has told you their brother or sister has molested or raped them. Your first instinct as a mom or dad is to go into denial, and then anger (at the victim) and then shock and then grief and then cycle around the denial and anger a few more times and then implosion.Because parents raised the sibling who raped. And they raised the sibling who got raped. Their first internal instinct is to blame themselves. But externally it will be expressed as denial and anger at OP. This could do a lot of damage for OP's wellbeing. And that's not mentioning: the parents will then wonder who had raped (or taught to rape) the son (the one who raped OP). And the calamity from that would be too big to fathom. What's important is OP believes their own experience and seeks support in places unconnected to family. And then OP should move away and begin a new life
>>34419342yes i think i'd rather just deal with it somehow instead of making it more complicated and getting more people involved, i'll just leave this house for good once i can
>>34419201i didnt read but if i got my boy-hole raped i would wanna bash my rapist's skull in with a hammer and i would NOT want to stop feeling that way towards him
>>34419358Yeah. Though remember, you don't have to deal with it alone. Childhood trauma has this weird spell it casts over us it makes us feel like we have to fight every battle alone. And that we should become a one-person-army, or a lone sole survivor, it makes life feel like some type of emotional jungle where it's do or die, and that the only person you can ever count on is yourself. It took me over three decades to break that spell I'd unconsciously cast upon myself. It's the minds way to fight for survival, mentally. So it's not bad but it can sometimes block your opportunities to find support at times. But today you did good because you reached out here. While this isn't the best place to post on (some people will spit in your wounds, mock your experience, taunt you, or even deliberately retrigger you for 'fun'). You still took the courage to reach out somewhere so props for that
>>34419372 i do want to bash his skull with a hammer and worse but the issue is i cant so now i need to find a way to cope(TvT)
>>34419381Why have you not told anyone? You know better now, so why not say something?
>>34419201You want therapy - NOT because there is anything wrong with you, but because something bad was done to you. Like a soldier who went through an awful battlefield experience, you have PTSD, and need professional help to recover from it
>>34419201Sounds like a bit of cognitive dissonance to me. Surely if you really hated him you would do something about it. Is it really that much trouble to just mention to your parents that you used to "play" when you were younger? You don't even have to be explicit, they will put the pieces together themselves, and guy will certainly get in trouble over it. Unless you live in the third world, the stigma of being called even a potential pedophile will wreck a man's social life.That being said, lets take a step back for a second. You apparently only started feeling shame and regret after "finding out" that what you were doing together was wrong. But what is "finding out" exactly? Sounds like social conditioning to me. So maybe you don't hate him as much as you think you do. Did you not, on some level, enjoy spending that time with him? Why did you only start having violent thoughts recently? Did you always really dislike him as a person? Did he take advantage of you, or was he just someone you were close to when your parents weren't around? Maybe you need to forget about whether or not what was committed was morally and socially reprehensible and consider your own feelings. Do you really hate this person, or do you just think you should hate him?
>>34421457>t. pedophile faggot enters the thread
You should have denounced him. And you still should do this now. He is probably abusing other children, and because you didn't tell anyone, you're partially at fault here.
>>34421457You know when you try to tell others how they feel it's actually very fucked up right? And the fact you prey on the emotions that were stated and you try to bend them to look how you want them to look like, even though they're not your emotions? That's very abnormal anon, very, very fucking abnormal.
Did he penetrate you? He should be put to death, honestly. It's messed up how western society has devolved. If it was a few hundred years ago, he would be put to death. Your father would strangle him with his own hands.
>>34421457>Did you not, on some level, enjoy spending that time with him?Fucking lunatic. A reminder: She was 9 years old. He was 21 years old. Nine years old, not even a decade into life, nine years old. A child, anon. You are asking if a child enjoyed being raped. By her own 21-year-old adult brother, her adult brother. The nine year old can't run, can't fight back, no strength to push anything off, no speed to outrun the adult. No sophisticated vocabulary to express their hurt, no security in themselves to advocate for themselves. Not because of any mental maladies, not because of subjective maturation, but because she couldn't do any of that, she was a child. And you are asking if a child enjoyed being helplessly raped.
I would stab him and get it over with instead of angsting for any amount of time >>34419224Don't make excuses or play victim games like this faggot.
>>34419201Seriously recommend you bring this to a church and find a way to talk about it with someone like a nun. It will give you the moral language to understand what happened, and a way to deal with your suffering.
>>34423911Not OP but I'm a Christian. Here is how we understand what happened to OP, this is what Christ has said on the matter:>"But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea."Matthew 18:6.Pedophiles are better off dead.
>>34423921>Pedophiles are better off dead.You're not going to get laid by larping as protective of children.
>>34423933Not a larp and not trying to get laid, just saying pedophiles are better off dead. Not saying OP should kill him either or that anyone should kill him. Just saying pedophiles would be better if they were deceased. Because if they were, then kids don't have to worry about being bad touched or diddled. No one likes pedos, normies hate them, kids hate them, liars hate them, even thieves and murderers can't stand them that's why pedos are killed off in prisons. That's just how it is
funny how you can instantly tell who’s american ITT
>>34419201>(^-^)Performative quirk chungus shit like this makes me think that 90% it's a fucking larp. If not, simply contact the police, and they'll advise you of your options with that situation. Revenge is not important here, it's about preventing this guy from sexually assaulting other children.
