there is a guy i know distantly for years now, and i don't want to be with him or pursue a relationship with him or anything because of his red flags (relationship red flags, things i wouldn't necessarily mind in a friend). he doesn't look like a model, isn't particularly tall, and he looks unique i guess. but i find him insanely attractive, and in my 20+ years of life i don't think i've ever felt light-headed around any guy except him, even once.for years now i still haven't managed to find anyone irl attractive unless i realize they remind me of him, and even that has only happened a couple times. i'm not seeing anyone but i'm kinda afraid knowing him has "ruined" dating for me, bc i met my personal 10/10 and have for years felt like nobody would compare. am i forced to "settle"? i am afraid that if i start dating someone, attraction would require they remind me of him, and i'd have to live with that and take that info to the grave with me, never speaking about it.how mentally ill am i
>>34419396>how mentally ill am i10/10
11/10
>>34419396I don't think you're mentally ill. I do think you may have some hang-ups and a few misconceptions on reality but that's something that occurs to nearly everyone. People use the words "mentally ill" to describe basic immaturity. Or consequential socialization delays due to having a rocky upbringing or something. I think first off you should drop this "mentally ill" descriptor of yourself into the trash can, it won't help you. Mental illness exists but let's no go overboard with using it to describe ourselves over small stuff, even though the small stuff feels giant in our personal lives at the time. Anyway, your hang-up is that you don't love the guy, you say it's because of red flags. You admit you don't approach and don't pursue and you are at a distance. This means that1) You don't know what it is to love him or be loved by him. Love is intimacy, and this can't be done at emotional distance, it requires a close bond. And it has to be both ways, not just someone fawning from afar. What you got is infatuation. That means you don't love him, but you do love the (idea) of him. Subtle but big difference. An idea is a thought, thoughts are in your head. They are not him.2) You can't say he has red flags, that also requires close knowledge of who he is on a personal level. If you see a man in the street and he is yelling at a waitress, and you say "red flag" and you walk away spouting "he is a bad evil narcissist" etc. but you find out he was yelling because he was having a very bad day, his mom got diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Would you still say this is a red flagged man? Point is you don't know him, not really. And I think you got like that because you pay more attention to fantasy and less on reality. And that's not crazy, that just means you've either had a lot on your plate, lot of stress or your life has been a bit empty as of late. Or both.
>>34419763>>34419396Also this hasn't ruined dating for you. What's happened is, for whatever reason, you watched this guy from afar socially and/or emotionally, and you fawned after him. You made him a comfort blanket to soothe yourself in your fantasies and in your imagination. And you did that for so long, it became a routine and a habit and it became familiar. And now that you've started to detach from idolizing him by calling him "red-flagged", you still find yourself wanting others to remind you of him. It's not about him, it's that you want to feel as comfortable as you felt when you used him as a mental comfort in your own head. That's why you try to seek people who remind you of him or how you feel dissatisfied or uncomfortable if they don't remind you of him. It's because you're not actually looking for him, you are looking for a feeling.
>>34419396Ehh, you looked for red flags cause you're avoidant. Like in all honesty at this point why not just let him break your heart so you can heal?
Attraction is weird. You have a type. Get over it and become the foid version of chubby chaser
>>34419396Sounds like you made up the red flags to avoid what you do want
