i just feel sad at having to align myself with that morally, bc i dont and it feels like i have completely betrayed my own beliefs and soul. i dont even feel like i have a personhood anymore. also, the point when we officially “got together” was just bc i desperately needed money to leave my abusive family and he flew me out in a moment of desperation. i remember loving the way he treated me and the fantasy of settling down w him as he presented it, getting to be his wife in a fantasy etc, but also i constantly told him i didnt want to be in a relationship , i remember feeling indebted to him bc id do things with him when he would get me drunk and then hed post abt it online, and talk to ppl in front of me as if we were alrdy together or betrothed to be together soon, and it felt like he decided i was his gf way earlier when i kept telling him i didnt want to be with someone/just wanred independence and constantly refused to do stuff like hug or kiss him. i cant tell if i fully gaslit myself into believing him that this is the best option for me and coped by decided to live the fantasy he wants, or that im just thinking all this when i did want it back then. most realistically, i half wanted it half didnt and now its all messed up and we rely on each other. also, arent i the worse person for not having said no, essentially using a loving person just bc he pressed himself on me? the thing is i dont understand whats cope or whats real. i always would tell myself “all uve ever wanted was a husband/bf to devote to”, but i hadnt wanted that anymore i knew i needed independence. wtf? it feels like my brain is so fragmented i dont know what i wanted or want. i just know i feel like im evil and ill never forgive myself for using him

Keep it simple.
Guy you're seeing likes picking on people for things they can't change. Your call whether that's a dealbreaker for you or not.

>>34426188
You sound like you're made for each other. Him being a shitbag is a desireable trait to pass on your kids for them to be successful in this shitstain of a world.

You could get yourself a better man if you were willing to change yourself and think of your own future instead of letting yourself be driven by others just to avoid your troubles.

>>34426214
so the answer is yes, break up to become a better person? bc i dont do stuff like that and rarely have seen him do stuff like that, in my head i usually picture him as sweet and smart so that stuff made me like who even is he

>>34426226
No. When you become a better person, you will be able to break up with him and find a good person to match.

You sound like you're codependent on the guy while he doesn't sound anything special. Think of it as "strike one" maybe, but know that past some point (after 26) it's better to accept people's flaws as long as they don't cause damage to you. Do work on having your own set of goals, aspirations and values so you have yourself as your compass in the case things go south.

>>34426226
Yes break up and choose to be with someone who is better than him.

>>34426188
>he was saying the kids dead dad was getting raped and became a “tranny” in hell or smth just bc he got a reaction out of him.
>BC he got a reaction out of him.
So in other words, the autist started it and your BF finished it and yeah he went overkill with the mocking of his dead dad, but you decided to comfort the guy who started shit with your BF. Now you wanna ask if you should leave over it? No loyalty in you. But yes you can leave if you want, he isn't your pimp. I agree with your BF, people do need to toughen up. But I agree with you, going after someone's dead parent is a low blow. I am an asshole too just like your BF but even in asshole world, we have rules. Don't make fun of someones dead relative, don't make fun of their mom, leave their girlfriend/wife and any kids alone. Only go after the individual and that's all. Your BF fucked up one of the rules of being a bad guy. But listen OP, your BF is most likely impulsive and that's it. If his actions show you he is a decent guy, aka the things he does with his body in real life then he is a decent guy. Words are just words

>>34426202
>Guy you're seeing likes picking on people for things they can't change.
Also this is bullshit. OP and I presume you too will treat autists with kiddy gloves, like they're children who need protection. The problem with autists is they had way too much of that. Their parents get told their kid has the funny assburger disease and do you know what these parents do? They drug them up or throw them at some shrink. Then they overbearingly suffocate the kid and clip their wings, refusing them their own independence and keeping them housebound, like they're made of fragile glass and they are not allowed to become adults anymore or learn from mistakes. They get their asses wiped for them, and then what happens is they become adults and for 'no reason at all' they don't know how to socialize, don't know social nuance, don't know how to joke, how to flirt, how to have banter, how to have fun. They don't know social danger Vs social safety either. They end up walking into actual danger as a result because the parents were overprotective as shit. Parents who behave like OP, wiping their ass "oh you poor autist you poor mentally challenged child, oh poor you"

At least OP's BF treated him equally with anyone else who pisses him off. Her BF saw a human who made him mad. At least that's better than seeing "poor retard"

>>34426188
>is it dumb to break up w my longterm bf who i live with and is kind and good to me, just bc a few days ago he trolled/bullied an autistic guy online abt his dad having died?
If that were the only thing he'd done, then breaking up with him might be a bit extreme. Otherwise-decent people can have odd blind spots where they don't realise how mean they're being - don't fully understand the implications - and the thing to do is to gently work on helping them to understand better.

But then there's this:
>he also early on mocked the guy i had talked to before him for getting raped as a kid

And this:
>>34426195
>also, the point when we officially “got together” was just bc i desperately needed money to leave my abusive family and he flew me out in a moment of desperation. i remember loving the way he treated me and the fantasy of settling down w him as he presented it, getting to be his wife in a fantasy etc, but also i constantly told him i didnt want to be in a relationship , i remember feeling indebted to him bc id do things with him when he would get me drunk and then hed post abt it online, and talk to ppl in front of me as if we were alrdy together or betrothed to be together soon, and it felt like he decided i was his gf way earlier when i kept telling him i didnt want to be with someone/just wanred independence and constantly refused to do stuff like hug or kiss him.

Add all this up, and it's a much darker picture: someone who only cares about himself, who enjoys being unpleasant to people, who isn't interested in how you feel or what you want, who takes advantage of you being vulnerable and manipulates you into a relationship when you don't want one.

> i cant tell if i fully gaslit myself into believing him that this is the best option for me and coped by decided to live the fantasy he wants
I don't think you gaslit yourself, I think he manipulated you. Yes, you need to leave him, urgently, and figure out who you are and what *you* really want.

>>34427094
(NTA) Speaking as someone who was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder for the first time in his 50s, and therefore couldn't conceivably have been cuddled about it while young: you have absolutely no fucking clue. Please don't sound opine about things you don't understand.

>>34427096
>Add all this up, and it's a much darker picture: someone who only cares about himself, who enjoys being unpleasant to people, who isn't interested in how you feel or what you want, who takes advantage of you being vulnerable and manipulates you into a relationship when you don't want one.

You got that backwards. She manipulated and used him, are you kidding? Read between the lines, she out "got together" in air quotes for a reason. She admits it was an act, a performance, just because she needed money and to leave her abusive family. I am willing to bet she never once said that to his face, she never said "I am using you to leave my family and that's all, I am just using you for the money."

She even said she only treated her committments as a fantasy but in reality she didn't want the relationship. But she did want his money and his shelter.

I agree though OP should leave, but only because the guy would be better off. She future faked an entire relationship just to use someone else. And her weak virtue signalling about him being mean to someone online is her way of self soothing her conscience

>>34427100
I do have a fucking clue, and you answered your own dilemma, you're in your 50's. You didn't get the autistic ass-wiping treatment because back then no one wiped autistic asses. That's why you grew up to be mature as you are. Your autistic brethren now who got diagnosed in the 90's and 00's are fucking cooked. The average person sees autism as "social retard" disease. Yes it's a neurodevelopmental disorder, and I don't even think autists are social retards personally, but the rest of the world does, precisely because there's a culture of wiping their ass like they're fragile little saints.

>>34426188
For this first post I had a whole ass response in my head.

>>34426195
But then I read the second post, and the whole thing changes.

Look. You're playing damsel in distress here, who also feels guilty, for yourself, for him, for the guy he made fun of, for everyone. You don't sound satisfied with your life at all. Saying that you don't feel like you have a personhood is huge, but it also doesn't reflect on either you or on your bf.

There are different things happening here and I feel like you're slyly trying to convolute things to fit your head narrative.

Let me put this into perspective for you, because I feel like you're a girl who plays a lot of games in her head and has a lot of feelings and constantly changing and saying what you feel which can be opposite of what you felt the day before, so here's my response to you without playing into your games:

1) you're in a relationship
2) you need this relationship to stay out of an abusive home situation
3) if you weren't in a relationship, you sound like you're pretty fucking lazy and you wouldn't do anything to improve your current situation on your own, it sounds to me like you're so much more comfortable having the housing opportunity provided by your bf.
4) the behavior of your bf towards you seem to be decent, you don't have any major complaints about him, you just disagree with something he did but it wasn't aimed towards you. I'm not making excuses for him, I'm saying that if he was abusive towards you it would be a lot worse.

So really from all I read here I read that you're a normal girl in a relationship who's maybe a bit depressed maybe a bit demotivated maybe using a guy to have a better life while he's using you to have a better life, maybe you're both not super compatible but you seem compatible enough, otherwise you wouldn't be with one another for so long and your complaints would have been waaaay worse than "I overheard him be mean to someone else"

1/2

2/2

You sound like a pool of stagnation, no hate intended. I'm just saying what I feel.
And look I'm no good either, I'm stagnating as well, I'm just not a girl so I'm doing all this alone instead of with a partner as you're doing. You have a lot to be thankful for, thanks to the fact that you're a girl you can HAVE this knight save you and give you a home, and love.
Now it's up to you to think if you're ready, willing, and CAPABLE of throwing this all away and then coming out the other end a better person. More often than not the answer to "should I break up with this person" is no, unless you make really bad choices. It is going to take an immaculate amount of willpower, planning, motivation, and action, to break up with this guy and come out the other end a better woman. If you do decide to do it, please for the love of his heart, don't find another man before you tell him bye. Just break up first and make plans for where you're going to move out to, but don't hurt my mans. I'm not saying he's a good guy, I don't know him, but I know that as a girl you can easily eeeeasily jump into another relationship, and maybe it won't be as good as your current partner with how he provides warmth, love, a home to stay in, food to eat, his understanding. But you would still have SOMEONE. Whereas as a guy who gets broken up with in a long term relationship, you can go down a daaaark dark and deeeeep loneliness, for a loooooooooooooooong time. So be mindful of these things. I just now am going through this period for 2 years already after my ex of 5 years cheated on me and left me for another guy. I really implore you to think about your situation, be thankful for what you have, and reflect about yourself - "am I the person who can do this? To build a life again? Do I even want to do this? Do I care about my boyfriend and his heart"
Good luck girl. Feel free to ask any more questions you have.

Dude sounds annoying. Like he's not even respected by men.
The only guys that'll be on his side also talk like children on the playground. What else from a keyboard warrior?

>just bc i desperately needed money to leave my abusive family
>talk to ppl in front of me as if we were alrdy together or betrothed to be together soon
You are indebted to him. Pay off what you think he's owed and move on.

>“all uve ever wanted was a husband/bf to devote to”
Your duty is to choose your kids' father.

>>34427134
>If you do decide to do it, please for the love of his heart, don't find another man before you tell him bye.
Lol, anon I really liked your post. But let's be real here, that is precisely what she is going to do. I've met loads of chicks like this, the runaways from home. Their whole modus operandi is to take what you have and split, then line up someone else to jump onto. They're not as thoughtless as you may think. They put a lot of thought in what their next move is going to be, but they keep it to themselves. Just like she kept the fact that she only intended to use another human being for his money and shelter to herself.

I predict she will choose the common narrative to help her conscience. "I was groomed he groomed me I was in a bad spot and he wanted love and and and.. "sex" (horror music)." Completely oblivious that the only humans who can ever be groomed are children. She's an adult. Reality is, her BF caught feels for her, saw her in distress and opened his arms and moved mountains to bring her somewhere safe because he unfortunately gave a fuck about her. The feeling is not mutual, that's why she semi-admits she only cares for the money and shelter.

She will repeat her feat. Her BF will be better then "abusive home" in her mind, and she will branch to someone else. On and on like a carousel. No amount of reason will stop her.

>>34427159
Her BF will be the new "abusive home" in her mind**

>>34427066
good post

>>34426188
30s/straight male

sorry to hear. tell him how you feel and that if he doesn't change within like 2 or 3 months maybe, that you will break up with him. mean it. this is about your needs before his.

it sounds like you did not want this back then but there were certain advantages and pressures that changed what you ended up doing. the past is past and there's no point being hard on yourself for what you can't change. you're smart. do your best now.

>>34426195
Anyway here baka advice to your second post OP as an asshole. Your boyfriend won't tell this to you, because he is reassuring you all the time, aka, wiping your ass. My advice? Grow up. Stop acting like this pathetic damsel, and stop marinating in your own rumination about your past abusive upbringing. I got dealt a very fucking hard hand in life too, believe me, I know the score. But there comes a point where you have two options in front of you:
Grow up or fucking perish.

You can only stagnate and linger in the foggy in between for a while. Childhood, teens, young adulthood at the latest. But at some point that foggy mental muck starts heating up, and heating up, and it turns into molten pain. You are forced to either get your shit together or go broke or die.

You say you feel bad for using this guy for his money and shelter? Truth is you did. You feel "indebted" only because it was you yourself who treated this shit like a transaction. Transactional love is not love, and never will be. Because love is not a debt, love is free. And love is also a choice that's freely made. And two types of people fuck this up. Those who don't let their partner receive love freely, and those who can't give it freely. Aka those who are abusive and controlling and those who are neurotic and self-sabotaging. And guess what? The two have this god awful habit of attracting the other. Opposites attract.

Now based on what you said, your BF isn't abusive or controlling to you. But he probably is to others. Means he's not a saint, but he draws the line with you. So you can either fuck off and leave for his crime of not being perfect, or you can just freely choose to love him back. Love isn't something that comes prebuilt, you build it together. But that can't be done if one person is stewing in their own mental muck and up their own ass. Maybe if you chose to show him what love looked like from your side, he'd be a better man.

>>34427111
>That's why you grew up to be mature as you are.
But that's the point: I didn't. Despite no one having even heard of high-functioning autism when I was a child, I still grew up having precisely the same inability to cope with normal, adult life that is characteristic of autism. No one has ever treated me as a "fragile little saint" in my life, and yet I still have all of the problems that, in your mind, are caused by that and not by the autism itself. So yeah: I am living proof that you have no fucking clue and that the problems autistic people face are NOT caused by the thing that you think causes them.

>I don't even think autists are social retards personally
Don't talk.

>>34427219
Piss off. You're still lacking awareness of what I said to you and not putting two and two together. I just told you to your face that no one treated you like a fragile little saint, and because of that, that's why you get to enjoy a mature adult life. And I recognise your writing prose. You're that guy who has a family right? You have your shit together. You are living proof that when no one wipes the autists ass they're better off for it. Does it make your life easy? No. I am willing to bet you had to work your ass off and go through lots of shit and suffer 200% harder than most people to get what you have now.

But I am saying those autists who had their asses wiped, no one lets them go hard, no one lets them actually break blood and bone to get the job done, because the world is convinced they're just too weak and childish and retarded. That's not me saying it, that's me spelling out the stigma. And I don't like that stigma. If your dumbass misinterprets that as me insulting autists, then you need to recalibrate your brain and try again.

>Don't talk.
You're not the main character, sorry.

>>34427234
>And I recognise your writing prose. You're that guy who has a family right?
No.

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>>34427159
>Just like she kept the fact that she only intended to use another human being for his money and shelter to herself.
You're right, man. She wrote that. That's really messed up, and totally slipped by me.
I'm glad you read and liked my post

My god.. such clear admittance, how can I not have so much fear, apprehension and jealousy around women? It's unbelievable. My ex absolutely fucked me and she's STILL with that guy, living in his place, eating his food, using his money and giving him sex. For the first year she just played video games and did nothing else. Only now she got a small part time 2-3 times a week. So calculating. Yet it feels real when you have it.. It feels so real.

I finally broke out of my 2 years of loneliness 2 weeks ago on a dating app. I took this girls virginity, spent a week sleeping at her place, met her mom for a day. We work so nice together. And after all that she told me she has no feelings, that she's okay with being alone, and that "we'll see" where me and her get.
Now there's no meeting planned for this week, I just know her schedule is free the entire week (she told me this) and she said that she'll "let me know", this morning saw her marked as active on dating app, my brain wants to run wild and jump to conclusions but I'm trying to keep it in for now.
The point is not that I'm looking for advice or going to fail with her for sure, the point is that she has so much power. THEY have so much power. They cry equality, they don't know just how much is going for them, they are celebrities in his life. It is saddening, and when they realize what they can do with their powers they can become the most destructive forces on earth.
Damn you OP, be better than this

>>34427330
>No.
My bad then. You share a lot in common with that anon I thought you were. Both older adults, autists, middle aged, both do *this* typing thing to virtually emphasize tone. Dude used to haunt threads, disagreed with him a lot but otherwise respected him, said he had wife and kids even tho he had autism. My point still stands, you still demonstrate maturity and I know well enough maturity can only be purchased through hard experience. Autists experience isn't some special experience that makes them exempt from hard learning, they still require hard learning. You learned hard, and I'm saying autists today the ones decades younger than you, are being actively held back by neurotic parenting and now they stagnate socially. Which sucks because it's my belief autists can function socially with the very best of them. But not if they keep getting treated like poor little victims. That means if you wanna treat em as equals, if they piss you off, get angry with them. Don't do the bullshit "oh its ok you just have autism it's not your fault" routine with them. It never helps them, ever.

>>34427341
Yeah slipped right past you huh? And now she is looking for things to convince herself that her BF is a bad mean man. This will give her the internal push she needs to justify to herself that he deserved the break up on top of being used for money. That he was a 'bad guy' to a poor autist online so fuck him, right?

Thing is I don't think OP is even a bad person either. I just think she's in a state of survival, she's neurotic and fearful. That's par for the course of being from an abusive household, so I get it. But it still doesn't make it right, it's still dumbass cyclical emotional games.

>>34427341
>THEY have so much power. They cry equality, they don't know just how much is going for them, they are celebrities in his life. It is saddening, and when they realize what they can do with their powers they can become the most destructive forces on earth.
>Damn you OP, be better than this
Yeah I know you're not looking for advice but I just wanna add my perspective for consideration. That and I enjoy typing this shit for my own boredom killing.

They only have power because people give it to them. This is what people mean by "simping". Don't simp, ever. People get this lesson backwards and they assume if they shouldn't simp and be 'nice guys' then it must somehow mean to become a bad guy and abuse them? Not the answer either. The answer is just refuse to play stupid games with them. The minute they shit test or try to make you chase them when they act distant and shit? Don't chase them. Close the door on them, amicably without a fight or shitshow. If you want the mature woman (and yes they exist) a man just needs to stop playing games with trifling immature girls who only look like women in their age and body, but their mind is that of a dumbass teen. That's the golden trick

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>>34426188
>he was saying the kids dead dad was getting raped and became a “tranny” in hell or smth
>he also early on mocked the guy i had talked to before him for getting raped as a kid
how old is this guy? he acts like a 14 year old boy.

>>34426188
And oh yeah here is another fuck up if yours OP that I think you should correct. I'll stop focusing on you now and focus on your BF, specifically his low blows.(Mocking rape victims, and mocking people's deceased parents).

Do you know which type of people have the luxury of doing that? People who don't know the true meaning of pain. People who haven't sat and watched their own parent rot and die to cancer, never been at the foot of the deathbed if the very same person who once lay in that position at hospital to give birth to them. They don't know. And they have it very fucking easy, that's why they don't think twice when insulting someone's dead parents, they don't know how deep and painful that wound bites. Even people who know better to mock, like yourself, "nice people" who haven't lost a parent either, they don't truly understand the pain either.

Your boyfriend is an impulsive dickhead, that's bottom line. The fuck you made was going to comfort the autist or whoever the fuck he impulsively tore apart. You should have worn your big girl panties and told your BF to his face "I am disgusted. You are shockingly disappointing. What a truly ugly thing to say to someone else. You should go and fucking apologize".

And then leave it on his lap, and see if he apologizes. He won't learn any other way.

>>34427234
God you're a fucking idiot.
Don't bother replying, I don't engage in conversation with idiots. Just thought you ought to know. I'm sure it's not the first time it's been pointed out to you, but maybe if enough people do it you might manage some self-reflection. I'm not really hopeful though.

>>34426188
> i half wanted it half didnt and now its all messed up and we rely on each other. also, arent i the worse person for not having said no, essentially using a loving person just bc he pressed himself on me? the thing is i dont understand whats cope or whats real. i always would tell myself “all uve ever wanted was a husband/bf to devote to”, but i hadnt wanted that anymore i knew i needed independence. wtf? it feels like my brain is so fragmented i dont know what i wanted or want. i just know i feel like im evil and ill never forgive myself for using him

You are not evil, at all. Whatever conception you have of evil, if you think you're that, give yourself a cold water rinse. That isn't you. You can be both the thing you wanted and the thing you feared. Did you use him and the opportunity to escape hell? Yes. Was it to use him out of malice or bad intent? No. You know why? Because HE OFFERED. He is not a mannequin or some thing, he is a human who made his own choice. And you took him up on it. You used him, yes, but not in the wicked mean manipulation way. Because you weren't manipulating him, you were manipulating yourself. Out of a bad situation, aka your abusive family, remember? Now if you had lovely times with him and it flickered a lovely fantasy in your head about a future with him, but you still have that haunting feeling of your past and whether or not you've used him. You can make both true, that's simple. To do that you just need to avoid black or white thinking "either I used him and I'm evil" or "he is the best for me and I should be totally loving him". Avoid that. Find the in between, where it says "I used the offer he made to get out of a bad part of my life. I have not yet fully healed. I am healing, and I used him as a safe place to land and heal. He gave that to me because he cares about me. I am struggling to fully return this feeling because I am in a process called healing. I am not evil or perfect. I'm human"

And it's true

>>34427884
>Cont
And if your BF knows about it, at the least knows you have things in your life that you are working on, and you have wounds you are in the process of closing, and you have messed up thoughts or messed up feelings, and he knows and he tells you that it's okay? That he doesn't hold you to any debts and he cares? And he shows it in action and not just words? Does it mean he is the prince charming superman? No because he is just a human too. But it does mean you are allowed to take a breather, relax, and try to believe him. Chances are you won't, y'know why? Because you're still healing. If he even tells you it's OK that you can't fully believe him? Happy days, it means he is OK with who you are. Your only job is to just take rest, heal, and that can take time. But you gotta give yourself that time, cut yourself some slack femanon.

>>34427134
>>34427132
i know men become very lonely after relationships, which just makes me not want to do it. but thr fact im clearly not grateful enough for the warmth n shelter n companionship makes me want to bc he deserves gratitude, and theres girls more deserving of it than me. also it sounds like u think im a stay at home gf, ive been the only one with a job for over a year now, he only had a job in the beginning. he sits at home all day and is depressed and says he doesnt see the point of going outside if its not w me. maybe hed get less depressed if i broke up w him bc itd force smth to change? probably not.

i wouldnt find another guy, if we break up i dont think i want to ever date or have a relationship again in my life, at the very least not in years, bc i took one for granted, and i just want friends (i have 0 rn)
> "am I the person who can do this? To build a life again? Do I even want to do this? Do I care about my boyfriend and his heart"

i feel like if theres any time to do it it would have to be now, bc im 21. soon ill be too old for it to be worth it to be on my own. but ive never been on my own. bc of that i do feel like i should have independence, although i know itd be miserable and lonely. i do care abt him very much and dont want him to be miserable. idk what to do

>>34427105
i know that i used him at first and i hate it, me and him have talked abt that many times and how it bothers me, he always says i didnt use him bc he chose to take me in or dont worry about the past etc. even back then we talked abt it and there was a convo where he said “i just like to pretend ur here bc u want to be”. the whole thing was a mess. but the reason i put got together in air quotes was bc there wasnt a clear defined moment of we are in a relationship now/do u want to be my gf etc, it was days of me saying i dont want a relationship and then agreeing to stay w him and then acting like we r in a relationship, and eventually having sex, and then me getting upset bc he had to convince me into it (which obv he needed it if a girl is living w him, if we didnt have sex it wouldve been me using him even worse) and then us not having sex for a while and then us having just sex no relationship and it felt like sex for shelter. idk its all a mess. but i know im shit in the relationship, but that just makes me want him to find better and not waste his 20s

>>34427341
i didnt keep it to myself. i told him before i didnt want to stay w him bc itd be using him. we both agreed it wouldnt be a good idea. then in a moment of desperation after exhausting all other options to get money to leave on my own with a time limit of like an hour, i asked him to fly me out and he did. after that i went full head first into the fairytale relationship stuff “ive been rescued by my knight in shining armor”. i have a hard time distinguishing between fantasy n reality and if i was being delusional or not. i dont know what i wanted back then or what i want now

>>34427352
i dont think im looking for things to paint him as evil, when he does stuff like that it upsets me bc it disrupts the “fantasy” image of him as my smart kind knight in shining armor or whatever the one comment called it. maybe thats the BPD splitting thing, but it makes me feel like i work all day + have given up independence for nothing for something thatll never work out and wasnt meant to be

>>34427370
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>>34427962
He's going to say one thing to you and mean another. For example he tells you you're not his debt, that it's okay. The next during an argument, he says he likes to pretend you want to be with him. And the sex part of the situation/relationship, that whole mess? He ever tell you it's OK sex isn't a big deal only for him to later feel grumpy because intimacy was gone? If he has, I got news: He's flawed. He is just a man. He will say and intend and truly believe what he means, but his anger or horny temperament will betray him. And he will be holding onto a lot of shame, probably larger than you realize, for every time he tried to give you the lovely calm guy routine but he suppressed his own problems to do it. But he does it bit just for you, or himself, but for the same reason you put up your walls and performances too. Both of you are just humans trying to be happy, that's all. And you both fuck it up from time to time. And you'll both be scaring yourselves with ideals and failing to live up to them, either the ideals you expect from one another or the ideals you expect of yourselves in your own heads.

All of that is OK. Kinda funky and complicated, but that's human. Even functional relationships have this, the long lasting marriages? It's in there too. That same song and dance. The thing that makes those relationships work is because both people are aware of this balancing act of self interest vs love for other. Humans are simultaneously selfish but also giving and selfless at the same time. What determines if you or him are 'evil' or a abusive is how you react to each other's flaws. If he is verbally, physically or sexually punishing you or hurting you for your flaws, that's when you know it's time to go. And it can be hard as a survivor of familial abuse to know the difference between healthy/benign arguing Vs verbal abuse. It can be very hard.

You are not wasting anyone's 20s.

>>34427389
thats what i said. it makes me think he must be a spoiled person whos never suffered. that upsets me bc i cant relate to it and hes the only person i interact with/am close to so i have no idea really how he is in comparison with other people. so i usually dont see him as someone whos never been thru stuff.

i ended up talking to him abt the stuff yesterday. i did say i was disgusted. it didnt rlly have a major conclusion but he said he was sorry n felt kinda bad at the end of it.

>>34427990
We can call it BPD/splitting if we want, sure. But it's perhaps more productive to use truth to help discern these things rather than labels. When I survived my abusive family, know what I called it? Hypervigilance. Because that's exactly what that is and would occur to any single human who underwent childhood or family trauma. Hypervigilance is when, after you've survived something terrible, you try to live a new life. But the minute someone does or says something resembling the demons of your past, your mind locks in and focuses on it like a laser, because the mind is trying to make sure you do not get hurt again.

>>34427999
>it's OK sex isn't a big deal only for him to later feel grumpy
he said its ok he will just have sex w other women, and i was like ok cause i wasnt happy anyway, and that was what led to the period where it didnt seem to be a relationship, but he didnt end up having sex w anyone n we just ended up doing it again bc we r both low disciplined people living together.

>>34428008
>thats what i said. it makes me think he must be a spoiled person whos never suffered.
Perhaps it's true. But perhaps he did, but his humour is how he copes. His dark twisted fucked up humour that just reads as abusive. Sometimes guys who got really abused or saw a lot of it at home, it's what we do. We miss the ability to cry and empathize and all we can do is laugh. It can takes ages to get right again. But there's no telling if that's the type he is or not, he'd have to tell you that if he ever opens up. Does he open up? About his problems? You don't gotta tell them here but does he sufficiently let you 'in' on his inner issues?

>>34428038
Miss the ability
>Lose the ability*

>>34426188
Just read the first sentence.
Answer is no.
Break up with him
He is a bad person.

I am a woman. I see many of my female friends stay with a horrible person because he is "good to them". Until he's not.
Do you want this man raising your children?

>>34426188
You do whatever you want. I do this type of shittalking too, but i don't tell people.

>>34428100
The feminine soft guys won't even approach you so maybe consider that

>>34428100
>3 years of a steady relationship down the drain because of a single insensitive shitpost

>>34426188
he's a low or no empathy sociopath and he's only good to you as long as he benefits. the second he stops benefiting or you go through something serious and need support, he will kick you down

>>34428171
sometimes, your actions have consequences, and show your true character and nature. men take accountability challenge. "it was a joke!!!" isn't taking accountability btw

>>34428221
Uh huh, and the action of shitposting at some autist, in a situation we don't even have the full context for (was he being an obnoxious little shit? Dunno), is hardly one I'd immediately jump to the conclusion of nuking a years-long relationship over. Good luck building any kind of relationship at all with such hair-trigger reactions to partial information.

Is it potentially concerning? Sure. But it doesn't at all follow that the only possible conclusion from what we were told is that OP's bf was suddenly revealed to be irredeemable garbage.

>>34428290
yeah so most normal people have a threshold of what they think is acceptable to say in any given circumstance and i fail to see any circumstance where telling someone their dead dad is a trans being raped in hell is acceptable or even slightly funny.

i did graduate middle school though so maybe i just can't relate to your sense of " humor "

>>34428211
>Low or no empathy sociopath
You know that psychologists stopped using that as a clinical diagnosis for decades now? You should lay off the crime thrillers. Also you don't get to diagnose people over the internet, that's absurd. And lastly, let's talk about that word:
>"Empathy"
If you think it's possible to have empathy for strangers over the internet, you're kidding yourself. I could die tomorrow and I would not expect you to care not would you be happy, and I wouldn't get my panties in a twist over that fact. You could pass away next week and I would not care. But I would not be glad for it either. This is because human empathy requires a close connection. You cannot have empathy for strangers especially on the internet. You can have sympathy, you can feel merciful, but empathy, actual affective empathy? No chance. Because that isn't how the human mind works.

The human mind has capacity for empathy too did you know that? Empathy is finite. Because the brain has a finite number of pathways it can make. They say a human can only have empathy for around 250 people, throughout their life. If you think you can have empathy for someone you never met, you're lying to yourself or you just naively mistook sympathy for empathy.

>>34428100
>I am a woman. I see many of my female friends stay with a horrible person because he is "good to them". Until he's not.
>Do you want this man raising your children?

And are you single? Not asking you out, genuinely, do you have your own man?

>>34428383
>Not asking you out
You should ask her out, don't be a coward

>>34428424
Nah. Just trying to figure out if she's a woman who has experience in relationships or if she's one of those ones on the sidelines who enjoy telling others to break up based on experiences she never lived herself.

>>34428435
She's doing eugenics, which women do naturally. It's bad when in excess because not enough procreating happening.

>>34428479
So the more lower trust the society, the more perfectionistic women become or something?

>>34428324
There is a wide range of possibilities for what he said between
>absolutely hilarious and warranted in context
and
>metaphysical evil that makes one radioactive for human connection
You're acting as if it's only ever the latter, context be damned. That's what I'm calling out as silly, especially given that it happened three whole years into a relationship. If the caricature you've created in your mind existed, it wouldn't take that long to show.

Again: I'm not defending what he said. I'm criticizing the severity and absolute certainty of your reaction. I'm not sure if even OP knows the full story of the episode in question, but she clearly does have the experience of what he's like during the other million-and-a-half minutes they've spent together. Maybe there is a pattern. Maybe not. But neither of us knows, and it's spastic to pretend otherwise, much less give life-altering advice based on knee-jerk impressions.

>>34428516
You're on /adv/. People don't actually care to give constructive advice 9/10 times. When most people tell someone to break up on a knee jerk reaction, what they're really saying is "I fucking hate my ex".

>>34428383
I have a bf of 10 months.

>>34428171
seems like he's a piece of garbage and she's ignoring it because he lovebombs her.

>>34428170
"masculine" men are the biggest emotional crybabies

He's a immature loser. Get with someone 10 years older. A real man.

>>34429953
>masculine" men are the biggest emotional crybabies
Yes, i guess. Arguably they only procreate through rape.

>>34429953
>"masculine" men are the biggest emotional crybabies.
I disagree. I haven't cried in almost 20 years as a man and I wish to fuck I could. My soul is a corpse and I have more in common with ghost than a human. This shit ain't "masculine" this is called being dead inside

>>34426188
>“ppl online need to toughen up”
one of the gayest attitudes a person can have. Yes you should leave this faggot.

>>34430880
Crying does feel good. I made myself cry with music a couple times recently.

>>34430943
Used to work for me, stopped working eventually. Only cry I ever had in my life was when my mom died and even then they weren't good tears they felt like battery acid

>>34429959
>He's a immature loser. Get with someone 10 years older. A real man.
That never works out just a heads up because it would imply the chick 10 years younger is matching inn maturity and she isn't so that plan goes to shit. And also as a man myself I can tell you with no lie, men who gravitate towards younger are the most immature of us all. Because they want to play catch-up for all the times they couldn't get laid as a teen or young adult which means such men have the mental capacity of a 16 year old in the body of a 35 year old.

>>34430946
But in my case it wasn't on purpose. I was thinking about some girl that i can't breed, listening to slow metal and reading the depressing lyrics. Started crying.

>>34430966
>men who gravitate towards younger are the most immature of us all.
I also prefer older women, but I think it really is just that younger women look better for most guys.

>>34430970
Nah never do that. I think your strategy for tears is pretty cool though. But never cry for a woman who ain't your mom, that's just my bias opinion though take it or leave it

>>34430974
Younger women look better to everyone. What you wanna find out if the chick has a soul or not. If she has a good soul she's gonna be timeless in her beauty. If she has no soul, that's whatever just make sure you give her some of yours and work with it. If her soul is ugly and belongs to hell, run away.