Thick skulled arguing in a relationship.So yeah, I've been together with my wife for 11 years now. We are both thick-skulled and "argumentative" in nature. We get into huge arguments over the stupidest of things, and for the longest time it just kinda was like that. But for the past few years our arguments have started to blow out of proportions. This is how they go these days:>some completely trivial thing sparks the argument>neither of us is willing to give any ground>argument escalates and the resentment starts surfacing in the form of "You did x in the past, so I'm now allowed to do y.", "You said x in the past, and did not say you are sorry", "You have required apologies in the past when the roles were reversed, so I'm not doing so now" etc.We have been planning on getting marriage counseling, but before we even get the chance, I'd like to get some tips how to get this shit under control. I feel like it's impossible for us to even go for a short walk without drifting into a confrontation, since every hill seems to be worth dying for for the both of us.One of my friends just told me that it's easier to just surrender in every situation, but surprise surprise, I'm not like that, and neither is my wife. Though, fighting over the stupidest of fucking things due to both wanting to die in glorious verbal battle is fucking stupid. We have always been thick-skulled, everyone knows that, but things have gotten so bad that this will just end in a divorce soon.
>>34428553Arguing in relationships is normal and can even be healthy, which might come as a shock to some, but it's true. Arguments happen when two people feel a loss of emotional closeness, usually due to stress wedging them apart, so the argument is a natural response to pull the two people together and form the emotional connection again. But the twist is: The emotions are negative. Anger, sadness, resentment, you name it. They all feel like shit. They are shit emotions.But they're still healthy because everyone has them, and everyone needs to process them somehow. Arguing is that process and when done right, leads to the two people coming closer together in the end. And the way to make sure that happens is there needs to be two things happening:Fighting rules & Resolution Fighting rules is what is sounds like. The couples admit and accept arguing is inevitable, but they lay down rules on what not to say, what not to hurt, what is too far and what is too stubborn. You learn the P's & Q's, you adopt "I feel like" language over the "You always blah blah" language. You can still feel anger, even raise your voices, just make sure those voices are speaking right. Resolution is after every argument you both pick a solution, any solution no matter how small and you go and do that after the argument. Because when couples argue it's not even the arguing that kills them. It's the lack of resolution at the end that does the relationship/marriage in. Couples counselling shows you all the resolutions and possibilities.
>>34428583>>34428553So with all that said, don't listen to your friend. Don't "just surrender". What happens out of that is "weak husband" or "weak father" syndrome. it's best to admit you're wrong if you are wrong. But if it's just to placate someone, that's weak behaviour. Arguing the right way is a far better outcome for all involved because that way there is balance and both needs are being met.
What if one of the parties gives up and is so tired of fighting and arguing that they would rather be alone or date someone else than continue the cycle of battling? Literally throwing in the towel to say 'You win, I will never make you happy and I am done fighting and arguing'
>>34428615It means you emotionally checked out/burnt out. Which is why the advice of "Just surrender in every situation" is people pleasing weak advice. Guys like that have to read an entire book called "No more Mr nice guy" because that weak attitude is a marriage killer. I'm serious, women hate it. And they hate it not because they want abuse or arguments exactly. But it's because they know if the man no longer even argues or puts his foot down, it shows he doesn't give a shit about her anymore. He only pretends to, to get her to shut up. He is emotionally checked out and the marriage becomes a sham.But if you're tired of the old way of arguing that's normal. Because it fucking sucks. Wait until you learn the new way of arguing, it's way better. Might even make you two fuck like rabbits too, it really does wonders. Don't sleep on couples/marriage counseling, keep an open mind to it. You will not be learning how to become fake nice hippies or some shit. You're not gonna be expected to become saints to make it work. You just take what you got already and repurpose it, redirect it, rechannel it and it has good results.
You both need to learn to handle conflicts in healthier way
