expect this to go nowhere but not like I have better things to do>spend most of my life socially ostracized>develop OCD and convince myself its because im evil and imperfect>spiral through this for years>convince myself I have to rope because the few friends I still have get sad when theyre around me since im such an anxious depressed mess>suddenly meet girl>literally my exact ideal, to a scary degree>we connect instantly, and incredibly deeply>OCD immediately lets up a lot and I start making a lot of progress in every part of my life>then she cheats on me>cope hard, go through a bunch of mindsets from "this is my fault somehow" to "I can still fix her">doesnt get that far, she doesnt come back>she still wants to try to be friends>I just keep putting more and more thought into it and resenting her and getting more bitter and angry>invert my OCD; realize I was putting all that effort in to be a good person (going out of my way to talk people through mental health issues, helping the homeless, aiming for a career that helps people) and being perfect (massively overthinking to prevent bad outcomes, neurotically overanalyzing conversations and apologizing if I did said something I think was shitty even if they didnt bring it up)>realize no one has ever done even a fraction of any of that for me>realize that she is still functionally my dream girl - aside from the cheating>fully believe finding someone on that level, who doesnt cheat on me would be functionally impossible>0 interest in living a life alone, 0 interest in accepting anything lessBeen 2 years and I've given up on everything. I feel I have no one to impress, and keeping fit and healthy, and making a bunch of money, offer me very little since the only hobbies of mine that would need it would also require someone else to do them with. The only reason I haven't killed myself is apathy and a stubborn desire to prove a point - that things dont get better, even if you try to be a good person.
>>34447607Yeah Ive done all that except instead of wallowing in misery I started focusing on myself and my health, which is great.
I feel for you OP. I haven't quite had the same highs and lows you have, but the realization that you're fundamentally incompatible with others because you believed in following what society ingrains in you from a young age as right is all too miserable an experience.I think about how if everyone but me just disappeared, or if I lived in an isolated area with stuff to pass the time, in short if I was able to continue living life but with absolutely no knowledge of other people, it would be easier. No friends, no family, nobody. The anger feeling like your life is wasted, that the future is going to continue to be a waste, that multiple decades are going to be "justified" by momentary novelties and nothing more. And the very idea of compromising/settling is repulsive, it's a denial of everything you held dear, that no matter how hard you tried, you're left with a participation prize. And everyone is okay with this.
>>34447661What do you think winning is in this scenario we call life
>>34447607There is a lot of "realizing" and "convincing yourself" here, suggesting that part of your problem is in spending too much time inside your own head. Perhaps bringing another voice into the conversation - i.e., a therapist our counsellor - would break the self-feeding spiral.
>>34447607>That image>I was alone at birth Immediately stopped reading. What a lot of mentally ill horse shit that quote was. "I wAs aLonE aT biRtH"So the woman who pushed you out her vagina was a phantom? And the father who cut the umbilical coord was a ghost? And the team of doctors and/or midwives who were in the room just hallucinations? Holy shit whoever wrote that quote is the dumbest mother fucker alive.
>>34447661There's a ton of 'virtues' people regularly complain that they don't see more people embody, but rarely do they ever embody them themselves, and even more rarely do they actually treat people with those virtues well. Their actions are almost entirely divorced from any kind of moral judgement but they still want to be able to chastise others for not being strict to the morals they project onto them.>>34447744I'm OP. Winning at life would simply involve being happy. Looks like different things for different people. You can figure out what'll get you there through trial and error if nothing else. Did that, tried to get it, got it, lost it for no reason. Can't see any way to get anything similar. If you can't win, why play the game? >>34447899I was going to a therapist already when she cheated on me. Kept going for months. Stopped when he explicitly told me therapy could not help with the specific problems I have. And he's right. A lot of people view therapy as a fix-all solution to mental health, but it isn't. You don't talk your way out of stress from not having enough food on the table. You said I'm spending too much time in my own head, probably true, but usually when that's a problem people have, the goal of going to therapy is to externalize those thoughts and have someone point out irrationalities and flaws in your logic that make your spirals dissolve. Instead my therapist begrudgingly found everything I doomed about rational. I've tried talking to dozens of different people about the same problems - the only, and I mean only, argument I have gotten from anyone to try to change my mindset, is "just stop caring lol".
>>34447907you are severely autistic
