I should've just quit right there, told her goodbye and disappear forever. But I wasn't able to, because she was about to either harm or kill herself from admitting that she was leading me on, and for some reason I talked her down from it.

The next week was a haze, where I just kept beating myself up over how god damn stupid I was to get dragged along like that, and why I was still even interacting with her. One night she wanted to talk and I told her that I was hurt by what she did, and she said that she told her current boyfriend what she did, and he rightfully broke up with her. And I guess I was touch starved enough to decide to go along with it, and we started dating.

Subconsciously, I think I knew that this would never end well and would only be one of those painful lessons that you remember for the rest of your life, but again, I was starved for literally any amount of affection, so I went along with it.

And there were sweet moments that we had together. Lots of playing vidya together, lots of watching anime and pirated shows and whatever garbage we found on youtube. At some point, she even offered to make me a pngtuber model so that I could stream along with her. I was already working on a youtube video at that point, and figured that I might as well get one of my characters turned into my online image. I feel like her community was very quickly starting to catch on to what was happening between the two of us, but I didn't care, I was just happy to be with her.

There was a week last october where her mom wouldn't be home, and she wanted me to come visit her. She lived 2 states away from me, so I decided that if there was ever going to be a time to see her it would be now. I saved up as much money as I could from streaming since I got affiliate and some kind donors from her community, and drove there. 8 god forsaken hours across plains and through snowy hills, but when I made it there and saw her face for the first time, it was heaven on earth.

That week will live forever in my mind until the day I die. She lived in a shitty little basement under an elderly couple, but I could've stayed there for the rest of my life. Every moment around her was bliss. I loved to see her smile with my own eyes, and to hear her laugh with my own ears. I had already seen and talked to her before over discord, among doing some freaky shit together, but it could never compare to being with her in person. Every day was a question of if we felt like going to a mall, or eating out, or staying home and playing games, and every night was cuddling. We tried to have sex, but she was too tight and the stress from her upstairs landlords possibly hearing us stopped me from getting hard, but even then we had fun where we could.

The day where I had to leave I felt hollow, but we already had plans for me to visit her again. In my mind, that week was a test for me moving in with her and spending my life with her, and even though the ride home was long, I had a renewed purpose. I was going to move in with the love of my life, and be happy with her.

Months go by, and the relationship started to stagnate. And then after stagnating, it began to decline. We would fight occasionally, mostly starting right after we began dating (again, after she broke up with her previous boyfriend), but something just made the fights happen more and more, and they'd get worse and worse over time. Eventually she had gotten a job and moved out from her moms into her own apartment, and towards that point it was the beginning of the end. We lost whatever sexual energy we had then, and even the affection started to decline.

Then last valentines day (ironically around the same time that she admitted to cheating on her ex with me), the dam broke. We had a fight, and this time I yelled at her, something that I never did with her, and she yelled back. At that moment, it was done. Even if I still talked with her less and less a couple days after that, not really giving her any emotion even though she was begging for it, I was checked out. I just knew that if it got to the point where we were getting into a shouting match, then we weren't right for each other. I was distancing myself, trying to think on what to do next.

And that's not even the worst of it. A couple days after I was mentally prepping myself for officially breaking up with her. I didn't know what I was going to do about the little community I made (which was mostly made up of people from her community), but I just figured that we would continue looking like friends outwardly. And then I got a message from someone in my tabletop group that knew of her.

What she had said made every bit of love I had for her disappear. She had labeled me an abuser, and was trying to get me 'exposed' to my tabletop group for being abusive. When I tried to ask her what the fuck that was about, I got nothing. But I know for certain that she read what I saw, because on her stream she was playing a song that I had sent her shortly before asking, and she started streaming after I had asked.

Hours go by and I'm off my wagie shift, and still no reply. I give up right then and there. I text my manager my 2 weeks notice, and I tell her that I am not going to put up with her calling me an abuser because I wanted time to think on how to move forward with the relationship, that I was offended that she would put me on the same level as the shitskin that made her carve his fucking name into her skin, and that she needs mental help. I blocked her on everything, left her community and deleted mine, and disappeared completely from the scene.

>>34451255
Girls girls girls dont you ever think about anything else? Like food even? Look at the cosmos and realize what a stupid retard you are, thank you

Jesus christ what a wall of mental illness, you are beyond help

And now comes present day me. I'm a husk of what I was a couple months ago. I've reverted completely into a neet, I have no interest whatsoever in getting another job or streaming/youtubing. I can never see myself getting into another relationship again, as this was my second one that I really wanted to work. My first was a couple years ago with a guy I was friends with in highschool, only lasted 2-3 months and fucked me up for a while but I came out of it straight and somewhat ok. This time though, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

I know that a lot of it is my fault. I ignored literally every single red flag she had, and I put way too much hope into this idealized image of living with this pretty girl that I just somehow met by random chance on a streamers game night. But with how lonely I was, it felt like a gift from god. Like he reached down and bestowed upon me this... hope. That I wouldn't be alone for my whole life, that I had something to work towards, even with how shit the world was becoming.

And now I'm here. Throwing away every single thing that she had gifted because looking at it makes the memories rush in, and they only bring pain. I had something, a little piece of purpose in this vast ocean of pain that has become the world. And now it's gone, and I'm now not just floating on that ocean, I'm sinking further then I've been before.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have the motivation to go to the gym, I've lost any interest in content creation, I eat just to get rid of boredom, my hobbies are slowly losing their spark. I'm just existing from day to day, waiting for... I guess anything, whether it's a heart attack or a nuke falling us or aliens coming. I'm just nothing.

I see the two replies and yes, I know I'm fucked. I was beyond retarded to go so deep into something so awful, but I didn't care. And now I'm here.

I already know that the advice some people will give is to stop being a retarded pussy and go lift some weights, but I just can't give myself a reason to. The world is beholden to a pedophile cabal that at any moment could hit the nuke button, and I have no intention on rejoining the rat race and paying my taxes to fund it anymore. But without that, I'm just left existing.

I don't actually think anything anyone says will help out my situation, but it's nicer to know that at least my thoughts can be put out to here. Even if it is going to just have people call me a dumb retard, it's at least something.

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Sorry that happened. I scrolled through for about a minute scanning for anything sexual. You had nothing with her.. you were used, and hey, girls are like that. They can do that. You're inconsequential in this world. Women are the real rulers of this reality in our western counties. So yeah dude.

Throughout all of this, you're losing time. And eventually you'll be 30 like me in a short month or two, and have nothing to show for it. No job. No completed education. No gf. No prospects for a gf. Declining mental health, declining physical health. Extreme loneliness. Extreme sadness.
And all your nights reflecting, all your entries written, every time a friend lended you their time for you to talk through your feelings and conclusions - you will see that it mattered very little for progressing your life.

You are where you are, your mom, your environment, all these shit people and circumstances got you to where you are today. But you're now you, I hate to say it but you're an adult. We both are. And as much as we want to be saved, and trust me I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO BE SAVED AND CODDLED AND LOVED, ain't no one coming.
No one.
So we either do this ourselves, or we die. And there's no girl coming to save us.
I'm personally currently on the die side of things, but really, really hoping it gets better. And not just for me.
You can do this man.

I know this is 4chan but you also sound pretty judgemental yourself in ways (categorising most people as shitkskins, psychopaths, simps) which is the baseline on this website but not conducive to having normal relationships or interactions with girls. Speaking of being conducive of normal relationships, neither is 'helping someone through trauma on discord' and driving 8 hours to fuck your BPD discord kitten in her discord basement.

Honest advice (not even trying to be mean) but you need to stop being terminally online. The people that form emotional dependencies Discord are often bottom of the barrel; there's nothing wrong with going online to play games with friends and have online friends, but it shouldn't be a substitute for having a (real life) social life and interaction with women. Yes I know dating in reallife sucks, and dating apps are a virtual purgatory but it's infinitely better to meet women at clubs or organisations where you share hobbies or honestly even Tinder than whatever this simulacrum of a social life is on Discord.

It also seems that you see things strongly from your own perspective but you admit your perspective is warped and you idealised her. But if we read between the lines, are you sure you didn't make her uncomfortable from her perspective?

A lot of this sounds like it was written by a modern reincarnation of Humbert Humbert

masturbation

>going after damaged dumb girls
>It's making you depressed
Yep, it's all too common. Have you never heard of red flags? There's girls out there that won't crush your soul