happens with friends, strangersIt's because I was raised to be a people pleaser by narcassist parents.How do I stop, just not help anyone and deal with the guilt? Help without wanting anything in return (which I can do sometimes, but usually leads to resentment)I'm just tired.
>vague on specifics>blames parents for his problems unprompted>internet pop psychology ("narcissist parents")>"help without wanting anything in return (which I do SOMETIMES?)"lotta red flagstry providing an unbiased example of the last time you needed help but didn't get it
>>34454640Good people never expect or want anything in return. Having the privilege of doing a good deed is its own reward. Your problem is entirely your own immature and selfish attitude. Develop love and compassion for others.
>>34454845Holy copeasaurus rex
Become someone who you think will use your energy, money etc. well Don't help others to get something, unless you're aware that doing so is a gambleOtherwise, help others because you want to
>>34454640It would help to have some specific examples, without which a good evaluation is difficult to obtain.I’ve known people that behaved like you do, but they weren’t helpful at all and they were really pushy when it came to demanding things in repayment for their “services”. They would have a passive/aggressive attitude towards others when they felt they were taken advantage of by people who didn’t appreciate their “help”. You could be justified in your belief, but there’s no way we can know for sure without more details.
>>34454640You're looking in the wrong place. People you help are, at least at that moment, weaker than you. They are not likely to be in a mental/emotional posioton to turn around and help you.Help, when it comes, will be from unexpected places, people who you have done nothing for but who find themselves in a position of strength from which to help you
>>34454640Have you tried smelling your own farts? Helps me
>>34454845Good People aren’t saints. Communities thrive when deeds are rewarded, but deeds are not done for favours it goes both waysOP you just want to be appreciated. But that will eat you. Help if they ask, or if they ask see if your task needs priority or this person has helped you.
>>34454845People pleasers typically aren't only doing good things just to get good things. People always misunderstand that. The people pleaser isn't a manipulator who only does a nice thing expecting reward. People pleasers do nice things because they are convinced if they don't, bad things will happen. And they want people to show gratitude or thanks or return the niceness not because they want attention or validation or praise. They want it because they need to hear someone confirm they aren't angry at them or disappointed in them. A people pleaser is basically in the business of:>I feel guilty just for existing>I need to soothe this guilt>I need to do something nice>*Does something nice*>Waits for person to confirm it was nice or return the nice gesture in return>If it doesn't happen>"Oh fuck oh shit fuck fuck FUCK it's a sign of incoming abuse fuck in fucking fucked I am in trouble now. I did something wrong why didn't they return the nice gesture? Am I in trouble? Am I in trouble? Is punishment going to happen? Am I in trouble?That's what's going on. It's not out of vanity or something like a narcissist.
>>34454778>>34454845>>34455497>>34457060Ok. "Friends" always betraying me in middle school to high school. I don't remember it can't recall it right now. Everything after this is after high school.Had a guy I would give rides to back from parties and bought $100 worth of beer for a guy and he said he'd pay me back. Later we went to a party, he said he'd take me home. I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up he had already left. I later asked for the beer money back and he spread rumors that I physically threatened him. Helped a guy move in with me. He proceeds to not care and damage my stuff even after I told him not to and even makes fun of me for caring about my stuff.Give guy from gym rides all the time and in return he lets me use his guest pass.Eventually we both meet a wealthy person interested in real estate and he cut me out of the deals.Let a stranger borrow a ladder who found me on Facebook marketplace.I had to keep asking her to return it and when she did she returned it to the neighbor.Helped a tenant move in and later bought him pots and pans because they were having arguments with washing dishes. He breaks down the door as he's moving out because he forgot his keys. He also stole the room furnishing and told me he moved in by himself and I didn't help him.Let a tenant rack up 6k in rent and keep a dog because he was "depressed". He leaves dog food open in the backyard with water and causes a rat infestation. Then he backs into the garage door breaking it.Can't think of anymore off the top of my head.Ok the last 2 were my fault I should have vetted my tenants better and got rid of them earlier but the ones before are good examples. I just don't trust people now but it also isolates me. But at least I don't get hurt.
>>34457098Thank you this makes sense to me.
>>34454845I just realized I worded the title wrong. Read my examples and tell me if I'm still immature
>>34457115>Had a guy I would give rides to back from parties and bought $100 worth of beer for a guy and he said he'd pay me back.lmao this would make sense for a hot chick but ytf ru simping for a dude lol
>>34457180Not simping. Just too trusting of people.
>>34457126Yes, you're still immature. Maturity means complete self-reliance. Anything you do for other people should be done without the expectation of thanks or reciprocity. You do it because you believe it to be right, and that in itself is enough reason for it to be worth doing. Obviously that doesn't mean it's always right to help everyone. If somebody asks for your help to commit a kidnapping, you turn him down and call the police on him. And if you accidentally choose to help somebody you should not have helped, you blame yourself for the role you played and should feel gratitude for the learning experience you received.There is absolutely no room whatsoever for bitterness or resentment in the learned and matured man.>>34457085Saintliness and goodness are the same principle. A person falls short of perfect goodness to the same degree which they fall from perfect sainthood. You're trying to carve out a niche for someone to be "good enough", but there's no such thing. Everyone is morally obligated at all times to strive for moral perfection. No one is exempt from trying to live up to the example of the saints.
>>34457236>Not simping. Just too trusting of people.why the fuck would you trust>guy you randomly gives ride to>ladder borrowing stranger>rentoid scumis "trust" something you just give to anyone 100% by default? trust is earned, normal people don't go all-in on people they've known for less than a few months
>>34454640its very fine to feel resentment when people don't help you. it's what you're meant to experience. if you don't help either you'll just feel resentment towsrd yourself
>>34454640Only help people if you expect to get something in return, otherwise you're going to feel better than them and they're going to either feel bad or feel like you're an idiot and then got one over on you.RECIPROCAL RELATIONSHIPS ONLY
>>34454640Learn how to establish boundaries with people.
>>34454640Perhaps you are conditioned by your parents to be a slave, and have aversion to social conflict.You should learn to say no.The first times would be hard, the each time will be easy and you will feel better each time, and this will be the motivation to keep the effort.Mutual help is a process of negotiation. And you should learn it.You think people is born as experienced sales manager?Of course not. So you should learn by exposing yourself to lots of social situations where you have to negotiate, and experience will show you how to behave.
>>34454640>When you have done a good act and another has received it, why do you look for a third thing besides these, as fools do, either to have the reputation of having done a good act or to obtain a return?You chose to help. That's a reward in itself. If everybody only acted out of virtue or compassion for gain or repayment, then such virtues would become mere tools of profit. Nobody gets all the rewards they deserve. At least, not in this life.
>>34457260I'm not expecting anything in return but then why do they do stuff to me that is negative. Did you read the examples? So being expected to be treated like normal is too much now after you've helped that same person? Alright well fine I'll just continue not interacting with people then. And this is how you get those videos of something happening and no one going to help. Fuck this place and these people then.
>>34458989From my experience, no good deed goes unpunished.
>>34457364Yes I give 100% trust (sometimes with caution, sometimes not) to people until they do something to make me not trust them then I just cut them out of my life.
>>34454640you are projecting what you want people to do in your situation. thats why you get hurt. i know this because i am like you. im always the first to help others because i lived a shitty life. rarely do i ever get help in return. thats normal tho, because not many people live shitty lives so they dont develop empathy. you just have to realize that
>>34459093And you are absolutely right about that. In this context, the only thing people hate more than somebody else's failure, is somebody else's endeavor to honestly help. People love to complain. If you know what you're doing, and you know you're doing that thing for the right reasons (based upon what you know), then you're gunna get some resistance. The key is knowing what you're doing, and why you're doing it.
