im 20f and a sophomore studying computer science at a relatively prestigious university. i take a lot of classes and do moderately well in them (22 credits this semester and am a ta). however, no matter what i'm doing i have a sense of dread about me. I don't particularly enjoy doing my classwork but i dislike my free time even more. i have no hobbies despite trying to pick them up so i normally just end up sitting around until i have something i need to do again. i have friends that i talk with and do schoolwork with but i don't think any of them like me as a person and ive never been in a relationship. i have no job or plans for the summer because giving any thought towards the future makes me anxious and sometimes physically ill. i cant imagine my life beyond my college years. i have a lingering sense of hopelessness about almost anything in the future. i feel like i have almost no energy all the time. im not sure if i want to die but i definitely dont think i can continue living as it is. i feel like everything in my life is just held together by intertia and the first somewhat strong force i hit will send it all crashing down. has anyone been in a similar situation? idk what to do anymore
>>34462235same, drinking gets me closer
>>34462235i felt and still feel the same way. Now that my youngest cat had to be put down all that's left from keeping me from offing myself is my Mom, god bless her soul.I am now a grad student in mechanical engineering and hate it and the vast majority of people i am forced to be around. I also feel physically sick when thinking about the future for many years at this point. i spend a lot of time thinking about how most of the things ted kaczynski wrote have more or less come true, and it makes me feel overwhelming dread and also guilt for just meekly going along and supporting it. I have no idea if this is why you feel hopeless and anxious. perhaps i'm wrong but when you mentioned thinking about the future makes you physically ill that sounded a lot like what i experience.i will say that anything computer related is probably the most misanthropic of the stem fields, which is pretty impressive considering how they are all run by antisocials. i only went into stem because of the alleged paychecks (which i haven't gotten any of), so i'm not going to do some holier than thou shit, but it is what it is. apparently diogenes once told a young nobleman "if you learned to subsist on cabbage, you wouldn't need to flatter the rich" to which the nobleman responded "if you learned to flatter the rich, you wouldn't need to subsist on cabbage". both of them had points.
>>34462269i forgot to actually give any advice my apologies. this isn't too helpful but I'd encourage you to do the best you can to spend your free time doing things you actually enjoy. For me these would be spending time with the living beings (humans or otherwise) that I love, or doing things that are actually cathartic (in my case, writing, drawing, reading, cooking, some other things). Also, even if you don't like doing it, try to do some form of exercise. If you can only do walking, that's fine (and a totally legit form of exercise too).This is coming from a hypocrite since I have stopped doing all of those things. I also feel like I have no energy (frankly i feel like i need to speak to an endocrinologist or some shit), so please know that I know "just go to gym and shit" is not as simple as people frame it when one suffers from being consumed with concern for the future. Just do your best. The way you write comes off as though you're a real and thoughtful human being, so again just do your best.
>>34462269ted kaczynski wanted us to destroy the technocapital since suicide is too selfish. we have an obligation to make the world a better place.
>>34462286i knew he wanted a general revolt, but wasn't aware of his view on suicide. Now that you tell me that, it makes sense and I'm inclined to agree with it even though I will probably succumb to the selfish desire to just have it all be over.If I wasn't so incompetent, once my Mom is gone, that ideal me would try to perform some utilitarian good. Unfortunately I am at best a mid wit, nor do I know anyone to provide instructions on how to actually go about making the world less bad.
>>34462304i don't think ted kaczynski had strong opinions on suicide, i think he values freedom, so that was my opinion. i consider sabotage and terrorism everyday. thankfully i don't have any weapons.
>>34462308oh i see. I agree he definitely valued individual autonomy in a way I wish most people who claim to want small government actually did.and for the other part, I also chuckle to myself a lot regarding the primary, direct reasons provoking the american revolution (what amounted to single digit excise taxes when adjusted for today) versus what we have to endure on a daily basis. you'd think jefferson and the democratic-republicans could solve all world energy demands with the perpetual motion machines we could make with their remains.
>>34462282thank you i will try this :) at the very least its very encouraging to hear from someone in a similar position. you seem very kind and i really i hope all goes well for you and im sorry about your cat. i really hope you can live happily :)
>>34462336yeah, it seems like people were smarter and more wise in the past, now we have palantir spergers with katanas
>>34462304>>34462308Just make sure you don't leave this world without taking someone else with you.
>>34462341be well anon, and thank you for the condolences. every moment im not drowning out all sensations via screen i feel really empty inside.i at least know my Mom was with her till the very end, literally as she was going to dream land one last time. i need to resume drowning out now
>>34462341i think it's about feeling disconnected and left out. my sister has the same problem, she has no friends and works so hard for school but has no plan. i think it's all about the people you have in your life that you can rely on>>34462350i am wondering why we don't see bomb drones in federal buildings yet.
You need to be impregnated to find a new meaning in life
>>34462396what is the male equivalent of this retarded idea
>>3446223530M. I live and breathe doom. A few things I've learned.>Don't let schoolwork take the best years of your life. You can learn shit anytime. You can only attract people when young.>The sense of dread will cement itself permanently as a neuron network unless you replace it with happy feelings for continuous 3 months at least.>Don't take antidepressants. They null your feelings both happy and sad, they're for when the sad times are permanent and risk your life.>Try new things, allow yourself to laugh at them, harder done than said, specially if your environment is not safe.There are these so called "Behavioral activation" sheets. Do the activities. Be kind to people and commit to seeing them over and over again. Get friends and build a life with them.Start now. Time waits for no one.
Im in a similar situation, same age and everything. life is so tough. I’d ask if we could be friends but u probably wouldn’t want to drop ur socials here and i get that. I wish you well.
>>34462415this is bad advice, you don't get friends from education
>>34462430I didn't mention getting friends from education anywhere. You do get friends from seeing the same people repeatedly.
>>34462235have you joined a club yet
>>34462235
>>34462235You're going through the motions and you are not sure what you want to do with your lifeThat is common nowadaysYou either want a distraction or something that makes you happy. You're a woman, so why don't you find someone to settle down with and start a family?
>>34462235All women are the same. You need a guy to save you.
>>34462235how is every woman studying at a prestigious university what the fuck? is this the infamous patriarchy at work?
Go hit on the dude that seems to like you. He will make you feel alive again
