I just learned that my grandfather, who I've always loved very much, frequently raped my mom and her siblings when they were little kids. How do I forgive him or at least not hate him?
>>34462237why do you want to forgive him anon?
>>34462237If he did that, I don't really think you should forgive him. Just distance yourself from him and seek no further contact, if he is still alive.Also if he did all those terrible things, how come your mother allowed you to go anywhere near him? Did no one resent him?
>>34462259He's alive, barely. He's 91 and in terrible health. I don't know. She loves him and wanted us all to have a good relationship with him. We only know about this because my aunt told us recently.
>>34462237this is all beyond you bro, you loving him doesn't make you a bad personyou hating him doesn't change that you had good times with him in the pastbut you gotta be with the ones you love the most anon, it's time to drop your grandfather
>>34462237Just forgive him.Forgiving largely means not caring about what happened. Your life has turned out fine and you're capable of bettering no? Then it has nothing to do with you.My grandmother was abusive and manipulative, she fucked up my mom's thinking and made her rigid and cowardly. My mom in turn was overprotective, gave misleading advice and corralled me away from social interaction. My life is a mess now thanks to my mother, and originally thanks to my grandmother. I don't hate either, I love my mother but she drives me nuts. I wish I could change her past and make her a good example for myself but I can't do jackshit. It pains me deeply to see her grow old and still pretend to put on a facade of strength nobody ever asked of her.I don't think I could ever completely come to terms with any of what happened to me, but I'm content if I could at least put my life back on track, get a loving girl be my own master. I guess forgetting is what they call "letting go", just focus on your stuff.
>>34462270>>34462458I think that's a different story. We're talking about a dude who committed a series of very serious crimes against multiple innocent people, and they were his daughters, no less.It's different from forgiving someone who wronged you but had good intentions, or someone who said or did something to upset you (but not if it involved a major crime).I guess at this point it is difficult to hold a grudge considering he is at the end of his rope, but it doesn't change his terrible past.
>>34462576how do you think the parents of murderers deal with their kids going to prison and stuff?what he did is horrible but he's sadly your familyyou can and will of course get away from him and not forgive him probably but you gotta deal with the emotions and how to deal with him with tacteven for your own sake, not for them
>>34462576Dude.This is a world of shit. All our ancestors were rapists and murderers all the way back to hominids. The heinous crime was your mother's beef, and she got over it. You want to pass judgement on someone not to compensate or prevent outcomes, but just because some random ad on tv told you "rape bad". Now realistically these are your choices. 1. Murder the old man, have blood on your hands and a new family secret to horrorize your mom with and taint your children's opinion of you.2. Report the old man to the police, hurt your mother for a case she isn't willing to pursue and waste everyone's time and money in a legal battle that the judge will end up releasing the oldman for being on his deathbed anyway3. Forget about it.Which do you think is the less harmful, cheapest and easiest to achieve?If he disgusts you so much, move away or go on a trip abroad until he kicks the bucket.
>>34462617maybe he should at least apologize you cuck
>>34462237It's important to understand what forgiveness actually is. It DOESN'T mean approving of what he did; it doesn't mean saying that what he did doesn't matter; it simply means choosing to let go of your own anger and hurt, and not letting those feelings control you any more. However complicated and toxic your mother's relationship with her dad may have been, it is still the case that her father is dying, and that's not an easy thing to deal with. Your anger is understandable, but for your mother's sake you need to let her get some closure. So, do a lot of deep breathing, and see the pathetic, broken, sick old man that he is now, not the monster he used to be.
>>34462617>just because some random ad on tv told you "rape bad"You don't need a random tv ad to tell you rape is bad, we know it is because the very concept is completely heinous. I don't believe any culture promotes it as a good thing, it's just obviously wrong, like murder.Yes, I am aware that every single person that ever existed and that ever will exist had ancestors who did terrible things, but they're in no way obliged to forgive them. We learn from it and move on.>Now realistically these are your choices.You don't need to commit yet another crime, or report him, since that wouldn't really make any difference at this point. Personally, I'd just not care for his life moving forward. I could perhaps go to his funeral only to offer some support to the family, but not for him, nor would I pray for him or anything like that.
>>34462266Honor your mother by honoring her wishes in this matter.
>>34462752Such an odd adamant position for something that ends up being nobody's business. I guess you're just young.>I wouldn't pray for him>I would go to the funeral only to support the familyYou're young indeed. Funerals were never for anything else really. And weaponizing something like praying, it's just hypocritical. If you don't believe in god you know praying does jackshit, so you'd save the bother. If you did believe in god, you'd be sinning by dismissing Jesus' command to love your enemies.I mean, suit yourself, but it really is an odd position to take.
>>34463230Not young at all, but I feel no sympathy or desire to forgive scum, nor the need to pray for someone who is doomed due to his own actions against innocent.If he had shown regret and profusely apologized throughout his life that'd at least be something, but someone who shows no regret? That does not work to make up for their sins? I don't care.But that is just my opinion. OP can do what he wants, I just see no point in forgiving someone who shows no sign of regret.
>>34462266>my aunt told us recentlyso it might not even be true.
>>34462237OP is indian (or from middle america)
>>34462237It's normal, that bitch probably enjoyed it
>>34462237There are some things in life that are unforgivable, and that is one of them. And I don't say that just out of moralism, but out of realism. I have witnessed similar in my family, it was an uncle that raped his own daughter (my cousin). He turned himself into the police all on his own after realizing what'd he'd done (he was always in drunk stupor rages when he did it). He did his time, went to prison, served the years. His daughter (my cousin) even forgave him and they tried to have a father daughter relationship from scratch, to try and do things right. Never happened, really. They just remained courteous and forced the positivity but it didn't matter, my uncle drank himself to death, drank so much he developed alcohol induced dementia at an early age, he died like an animal, painfully and in panic. And she eventually OD'd. In who knows what drug, but she was always an addict, it was her own 4 year old daughter that found her in bed, she just wouldn't wake up, she either killed herself on purpose or it was one drug too many and she died. Something like that, it doesn't matter if the people forgive it. Not even forgiveness can heal that, the damage is always permanent.
>>34463682>>34462237>ContAnd the fact that (you) are here, his grandchild, in this board discussing within yourself whether or not to forgive or how not to hate him, even though it could have been 40-50 years ago a whole half century the rapes occurred, and yet here it is, remembered as if it were yesterday. That's because what he did (if it is true, don't just take Aunt's word for it) is so damaging it lasts generations. It's never forgotten, and it can never be fully hidden, it always becomes revealed in the end. It's extremely rare for someone to go their whole life after having done something that obscenely wicked without being found out before death. The truth always comes out.But that's if it's even the truth. Do not just take your aunt's word as gospel, because I swear to you I have also seen family members in my time who deliberately lie to destroy someone's reputation right before their death in order to cause as much agony as possible for the dying just because they feel the dying person doesn't deserve the attention. I've seen family members invent entire lies just because they wanted others to see them as a victim who is owed money (and they get to convince others to hand over their share of the will). Do not presume grandfather's guilt right away. The smart move is to just put it out of your head and let the man die with his own sins (if they even exist). If you can't help yourself, at the least speak with your mother about this. Or any uncles or aunts who are not the aunt already mentioned. And then see if the story stacks up. The minute you notice conflicting or contradicting stories, you know someone is lying.
>>34463696>>34462237>LastlyAnd if you think it's impossible for someone to just lie about something this grave and sinister at such a crucial and depressing time, such as an impending death, don't be surprised. Especially if your grandfather comes from money or has money or is rumoured to have a lot of money or property to hand over or pass down.Money can make some people become absolute fucking demons and you will be shocked. There's people out there who if their own baby fell into a fire but also a briefcase full of $10,000,000 their hands would reach for the briefcase first. Believe that.
He wasn't 100% evil, as much as I hate to say it. After all, you're not like that, are you? What ever good was in him needed to be passed on, for reasons beyond our understanding. Decide to be better just as your mom did, and be grateful to inherit whatever of worth he's given you. Your mom wanted you to have the best upbringing possible and stowed all that away trying to do what's best for you (although I have to question why she'd let a pedo near her own kid without being 100% certain he wouldn't do anything.)
