shpld i uninvite my sister from a concert?context:>me and bf like going to concerts (he's my first bf first everything and i love him)>often it's us hanging out with his friend since the friend goes to all the same concerts, likes the same genre>eventually realize i developed a crush on the friend>i think he's naturally flirty/charming etc. and i guess it works on my inexperienced ass whether he intends it or not>still, we both keep a 'professional' distance it seems (neither the friend nor me are trying to be friends, both of us are there for my bf)>last year when we were all drunk at a concert i find myself in a situation where us 3 are all joking about the friend dating my sister, mainly him>bf has since twice asked the friend about this>i got the idea of inviting her to the next concert in 3 months>she isn't that into the music but nonetheless seems really excited to go with us(i told her nothing about this guy bc i have no idea if he's genuinely serious)in recent weeks i've been thinking, what if the crush comes back if they do end up dating and i have to see him often ? i'm kinda scared of that possibility now. but i also don't want to be an ass to my sister and uninvite her (especially since the band is from a country she likes and she is learning the language). i've definitely made a mistake and don't know which the right option is now, try to nicely uninvite or don't care and just bring her along.
>wanting to uninvite your sister from something because you're potentially jealous that she could get in a relationship with someone other than your bfdamn, women really are fucking evil
>>34468021not jealous, more like afraid that the crush comes back and then i would have 0 possibility of cutting contact.
>>34468029You also have the threat of him being your sister's boyfriend to keep you from acting on your feelings. Dump your boyfriend and cut contact with him and the friend.
>>34468042i've never been afraid of acting on anything in this case, bc i've never acted on any sorts of feelings i had on this friend. i am more dry/less friendly (but still polite ofc) around him than my bf's other friends as well because i don't want to be too friendly, anything that could be taken the wrong way basically.i should be more precise in the op, i'm not afraid of anyone acting on anything but rather the mental anguish. nobody likes having a crush (when you're in a relationship). like the less i have to see this friend, the better. currently me and bf see him on average every 5 or 6 months, which i can deal with. i don't want it to be any more often.
That would always come across as petty.
>>34468089Why not keep yourself under control? Can you really not get over your crush? Guess this is why some people don't let their gf/bf to meet their friends
>>34468002There's an obvious priority here and it's not cheating on your boyfriend. This isn't actually about your sister at all, it's about whether or not yout want to stay with your boyfriend. Make a choice on that and everything else will fall into place on what you do
>>34472591i mean it's not that i can't keep myself "under control". as i said before i tend to be a bit more aloof around the friend and it works well like there hasn't been any issues. i'm pretty asocial anyways, i don't have friends except my sister bc i don't really go "out" at all unless it's something special with my bf like the concerts. the issue is my mind. i just feel very guilty and although i admit i probably won't just stop going to concerts with my bf, the less contact i have with the better i think. seeing the friend less often = less anxiety and less obsessing over feeling guilty.>>34472613i do know that, and i have always wanted to stick with my boyfriend. there was a period in our relationship that was bad, we argued a lot, but that's been in the past for a long time now. but i think that period probably triggered the crush in some way? still, never acted on it and it's not like it was hard either. but i still feel really guilty about this to be honest .
>>34472640Your mind is wandering because your girl lizard brain is getting bored. Do some stuff with him, or tell him that you wanna get closer. He's not a mind reader, and he probably thinks that everything is totally fine, so if you give him something to fix and you're trult appreciative of it then it should be fine.
>>34472648i have asked him if we could do stuff together outside the home more often (we go on a date every 3 months at best but i kinda just accept it since we're struggling for income) but it seems hard since both of us are homebodies. i tend to feel a bit bad the rare time we do go out somewhere (very rarely) because he is obviously forcing it to some degree and not entirely enjoying himself. sometimes i wonder if i'm not "fun" enough, bc i don't have good social skills. but yeah i am trying, earlier today i asked him to watch a 1950's movie with me this week and he did seem excited as well.
>>34472640Okay but then is it about guilty or because you do want something? Or both? I don't get it. Have you considered leaving your bf and trying to get with the friend instead? Idk how i woukd react to this information if I was your bf. Probably a break up tho to let you choose better
>>34472698well guilty because of exactly what you say, nobody wants their partner to have a crush on someone else no matter how small it is. and guilty from feeling like a bad gf basically. i think this crush thing is going away on its own, but taking into account everything i'd feel pretty awkward if the stars align and the friend and my sister did get together.and obviously i would never leave much less get with a friend of someone you are together with. that would be on a whole other level. i love my bf, and i also secretly enjoy the fact that he's my first quite a lot. i think that "argument period" we had just had a really shitty side effect on me to be honest.
>>34472744Well I don't think you are a bad gf. You are aware of your feelings and the reality of it. You love your bf and seem to enjoy being with him so i don't see anything bad other than the crush and even that you admit will go away on its own. I thunk you are acting in a very mature way imo.Any reason you think you have a crush on his friend? Does he treat you in a way you consider better than your bf?
>>34472804it is childish but yeah i think there were several times at one point where something was happening to me/people were being rude to me, and my bf never noticed, but the friend did and and even "defended" me (cursed them out, and things like that). i think to a normal and sane person this would be nothing, but i kinda see myself as a loser and normally don't think i deserve anything like that, so it makes me easily impressed lol.another example: when me and my bf met, he insisted i come to a bar with him and everyone else who was there, and he bought me a drink. it was the first time i was in a bar and the first time a man ever bought a drink for me, so it sort of had a big effect on me, i thought so this is how men treat women they are attracted to, and i liked it. i'm not complaining or blaming (honestly), but to be truthful my bf hasn't ever really bought a drink for me since then. if he does he tells me i should buy his drink next, which is understandable. but sometimes when we're at a concert he tells this friend of his to buy me a drink, and he does, while my bf doesn't. we aren't *that* tight on money so i sometimes wondered what that is about. but anyway, the friend buying me drinks i think activated that old feeling i mentioned. there a few are other things too i think, but these came to mind when i read your question.
>>34472854Interesting. I thunk you shoukd talk to your bf about this too. And ezplain your feelings towards him and how you would like for him to do more for you and to keep that sort of little magic alive between you twoDo you do things for him as well in anyway?>I think of myself as a loser and deserve nothingI feel the same way about myself and if someone treated nice like that I would probably feel someway about it as well so I understand. I mean the simple act of a person irl to invite me to a hangout is enough for me to already be like "wow so this is what its like having people who want to hang out with you" lol
>>34472878thanks for being understanding anon. Idk how i would do that without hurting his feelings though. i swear i'm not a huge nagger, but still, if i try to bring something negative up with him, he always gets very upset and doesn't think he can do anything right. basically if someone has a very very ingrained "i can't do anything right" mindset from trauma, it feels very hard to bring up deeper big issues like this because you always feel like the bad guy, and i don't want to be. he is also a big believer of the whole "don't chase the honeymoon phase" idea, and it seems like he thinks i want our relationship to be like it was in the honeymoon phase, and he doesn't see this as realistic. might be partly my fault because i have said something similar to what you suggested, and for him it might've been too vague (but i don't know anything actually specific to suggest ngl).i do many things for him, do you mean anything specific? but yeah maybe i should do more so me asking this stuff from him would be more "justified".
>>34472915Well you can sit down and explain it in a soft way. >he thinks he can't do anything rightExplain he is great if thats what you actually believe, don't lie. And try to ease into it>honeymoon phaseWell he seems kinda smart I guess since that regard. But doing thungs for each other isn't a honeymoon phase thing. Its a "hey i am with you and love you so i wanna do nice gestures for you" kind of thing. >don't know what to suggestYou don't need to suggest anything specific if you don't want to. But you like acts of love and affection and care. So anything along those lines will do you even mention getting a drink bought is enough. Or even getting defended which your bf doesn't do for some reason. So its not like you need huge ones>I do many things for himCan you mention them? And also don't think you have to do things for it to be justified if you want nice gestures on return. Neither side should be thinking or counting how many things they have done for the other. You should both do it cause you want to. So I guess it would help if you talk to him about whether he wants to or not as well.
>>34472959ty for all the advice, i guess i've been too afraid of conflict to bring this stuff up in a proper way in recent months. and of course feeling like i shouldn't ask for extra attention or love considering my main issue which the thread was about.and well we are a lowkey couple i think and don't go on dates really, but i do cook for us most of the time and i like to always put effort into it. i sometimes cook him small snacks without him asking, and i like making him coffee or tea. i make sure to stop and ask how his day was. and i think i ask him way more about things he's into than he asks me about things i'm into lmao. but yeah he does nice stuff for me as well obviously. idk if i should give more examples now.
>>34472973You're welcome and I hope its of some use toy you!>things you doSeems nice yeah. You seem to have figured out. Of course the nice gestures depend on the person as well anyways. Both you and him do what you each consider a nice gesture at the end of the day. Obviously it has to be actually nice, not saying you can punch him and say "to me thus is nice" lol. >thungs he doesCan I ask what he does as well? >too afraid of confrontation and conflictYou have to keep in mind both of you are whike people. Conflict will happen. What matters is how you both go about solving it or talking about it and such. And I totally understand why you would think you shouldn't based on your issue. But from what you have mentioned part of your crush towards his friend is due to how your bf has stopped doing much for you. He hasn't even bought you a drink and instead passes it to his friend so. But I think being able to recognize these things is important and can help you as a person and in your relationship in my opinion.
>>34468002You should kiss your sister.
>>34468002Don't be selfish. Get your sister a boyfriend. You shouldn't have 2 boyfriends. That won't work anyway.
>>34468029Yeah and you wouldn't be able to control yourself if you were around him so now everyone has to work their lives around what you want because everything should just be easy for you first and maybe everyone else second. Evil.
