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I feel so lonely. I usually troll people on 4chan and drive them mad. Sometimes I’m able to give good advice when I put on my serious hat, but most of the time, I spend my weekends trolling people, acting like a jester, or Loki himself.

Is this really me, or just a persona I created? I do not know anymore.
Has loneliness driven me mad? Are the people on this board even real? What is real? Am I just another poor bastard seeking emotional connection on an image board forum? I will not find it here.

Maybe the answer really is in touching grass, but I cannot let go of the jester I’ve become. I must not. The joy I feel is real, and that is one of the few things I can still grasp with my own hands. Even if it is not solid, even if it is fleeting, it is enough for me. Or at least, enough to keep the void quiet for a while.

But is this even healthy?

I wanted friends. A girlfriend. Something real, something flesh and blood, something that learning languages, philosophy, or perfecting my craft as a fool could never truly give me.

And perhaps that is the tragedy of it all. Life swings endlessly between desire and disappointment. I distract myself with jest, irony, and performance, not because they fulfill me, but because they dull the ache. The jester laughs not because he is whole, but because laughter is sometimes the only defense against despair.

Yet beneath all the mockery, beneath every joke, every troll, every performance, the same hunger remains, stubborn and unsatisfied: to be known, to be loved, to feel less alone.

Perhaps I keep laughing because the alternative is silence, and silence forces me to hear how deeply I still long for something real.

How do I quit this place?