He mentioned it a few months ago and I really dont know what to do. We have been together for quite a while now, a couple years.We talked about it and I worry I gave him the wrong impression. I told him I have had fantasies about it, but thats all they are to me, fantasies. Once I start thinking about actually translating those fantasies into real life, I often get this weird pit in my stomach. Imagining him with other people, or me, just makes me feel so weird. And I think much weirded out than him, because I have only ever had sex with him, whereas he was not a virgin when he met me.It is special to me that I have only ever had sex with him (even more so if we married and he would be the only one forever). But if we try what he wants to, that will cease to be, and I am not even really sure that I will like it.Essentially: he believes everything is worth trying at least once. However, I think even once can be too many in some cases. But now that I know how much he wants it, even if we wont try it, he will either resent me, or try it out secretly. What the fuck do I do?
>>34488810What you do is break up. If your goal was marriage and family building, you have picked the wrong person. You cannot build a marriage when the other person insists on opening up the bedroom to complete strangers. You can't build a marriage if the other person divides their attention between you and complete strangers. And you can't have a family in a safe environment if the other person is risking bringing home communicable diseases from strangers, or even worse, inviting strangers into the same place where your children sleep, in your own home.And if you raise a complaint against it or demand your partner stop this mentally ill hedonistic pleasure seeking and they fight back and have a tantrum or try to guilt you or be angry with you then it should tell you that their orgasms matter more to them than (you), your happiness or the future with you or even their own future children's welfare. You picked a fucking bum to give your virginity to. And I am going to assume all he had to do to take it from you was lie to you and say "I love you."
>>34488810>>34488818>he will either resent me, or try it out secretly. What the fuck do I do?He will by the way. He'll cheat, because that's how you know someone has it in then to cheat. Cheaters are never happy with just the relationship and exclusivity to one person, they are like street cats that constantly meow and scratch at the window to go outside. That's why he wants the threesomes and swinging, because he wants the benefits of a committment. ...just without the commitment part. It's mental illness OP. And you are going to lose both matter what.If you allow the threesomes, he fucks someone else.If you say no, he fucks someone else.Break up before your life goes to the shitter. He admits to your face he wants to be sexually intimate with other people. What more fucking proof do you need? This isn't fantasy for him, this is reality. You are really dating someone who doesn't consider you valuable enough to commit exclusively with you.
>>34488818I didnt know he wanted to try stuff like this when we met. He only told me after years together. I love him though :(ive only ever loved himif I break up with him I might as well an herohes the only one who ever noticed me
>>34488818I guarantee you are not married
>>34488810Going through a similar situation. My girlfriend is interested, but I'd be very reluctant to agree. Some people just don't view sex the way that we do, and that's okay. Hell, in some places outside the US even full on cheating physically, while normally frowned upon, is excusable by most people. However, it's important to have the conversation about YOUR expectations for the relationship, and hear them out, too. It seems petty to do over a sexual experience, but if you can't come to a resolution one way or the other, then you're probably better off finding someone who resonates more with your preferred relationship style. I really don't want it to be that way, but would you rather be with someone who has a relatively high likelihood of not being satisfied with just you? Don't we all deserve to pursue happiness in whatever way makes the most sense to us, as misguided it might seem to an outsider who can't possibly know what's going on in their partner's head?In my case, I'm only coming around to the idea because of a few things. If this doesn't work out, we were never meant to be anyways, I somewhat agree that a full life is gained through experience, and with strong guard rails. If I don't like it, it ends. Period. If they don't respect that, then the relationship ends, too. If someone cares so little about your feelings or consent in opposition to living a sexual fantasy, they're probably not worth your time either. However, I want to be able to say that I tried everything I could to make it work until then.
>>34488881Also, I wanted to add, while I'm very sex positive and love doing things with her, lusting and yearning, I disagree with how society is so sex obsessed in general. It's one of the most human experiences there is, it's how we all got here, and can be the source of tremendous beauty, but there's a lot more to life than that. Yet I sound puritanical for even suggesting that many people, myself included, would be better off just sharing that with a loved one whom you've built an emotional connection with, especially with the rise in dissatisfaction with vapid relationships. Crucify me, I guess.There's a lot that goes into this topic, and tons of conjecture out there about the nature of love and relationships, but that's my two cents. It should be noted that I am on the asexual spectrum, a demisexual, so I may have a different view than some.
>>34488810girl i think ur boyfriend been eyeing up another girl behind your back but probably still loves you and doesn't want to leave you so this is his ultimatum. Be strong in your beliefs and firm with your boundaries and give him a choice to accept that or be with the other person.
>>34488866>I didnt know he wanted to try stuff like this when we met. He only told me after years together.Yeah because if he told you that at the start you'd have not given him your virginity.>I love him though :(Maybe you do, and hey maybe he loves you just a bit, but it's only a bit. He loves his fetish more than you which is why he wants it to override the relationship.>If I break up with him I might as well an hero The alternative is to watch him give attention to the body of another woman. I guarantee you that'll fuck you up more long term than a break up.>he's the only one who ever noticed meIf he noticed you properly he wouldn't be asking to go fuck other people, he'd be happy with just you. And no amount of love can keep a swingers' loyalty, so this was unavoidable.>>34488879>I guarantee you are not marriedI am. Cheaters and swingers only make up 19 - 22% of all marriages, they're not normal situations at all. There's no hard data on how much swinging contributes to divorce rates if at all, but the colloquial figure is somewhere in the 90% margin. Hard to get an honest estimate though, swingers and cheaters lie as easy as breathing and embellish the truth so whenever you hear of swinging success stories it's only from the mouth of a swinger.
>>34488941How do I an hero then
>>34488896>It should be noted that I am on the asexual spectrum, a demisexual, so I may have a different view than some.Don't let the LGBT psycho babblers label you as 'demisexual'. It's their attempt to make what is normal seem abnormal through their perspective. If you are someone who values emotional connection and reciprocity first before giving your body to them, that's called being a rational person who has a sense of mastery over their own impulses. That's called maturity. Keep in mind anon the LGBTQ+++ whatever 'community'is only 7 ~ 9% of the world population. They do not get to tell you that you are a 'demisexual' just because you have a healthy and rational mindset. Don't walk around rainbow eggshells your whole life it's a waste of time.
>>34488941He wants to try everything, me with a man, me with a woman, him with a man, him with a woman. If we find anyone okay, that is. I've waited for so long to get married. Now when we can soon finally move in and he talks about getting married (after a couple months living together), I feel so bad about it. I am so afraid of standing in a Church and promising myself to him forever in front of God, knowing deep down that I am not the only one in his mind or heart. It hurts so, so, so much.
>>34488948>How do I an hero thenDon't an hero, that's how. What you need to do is tell this guy bluntly: "I am not interested in opening up the relationship. Please keep your fantasies a fantasy, because I no longer feel secure with you knowing that your desire is to fuck other girls."And see how he responds. If he throws a tantrum or gets mad or tries to twist it you make feel bad, just pretend to agree and play submissive and let him 'win' the argument he creates. Then in the back of your mind start building up ab exit strategy to leave him safely.
>>34488957I know it hurts. Remember who brought the hurt, it was not you, it was him. He is the one who wants to open the relationship. And when relationships are opened, they are like a wound that's opened, at some point it gets infected. Either with a literal STI or with extremely toxic emotional mindgames or bullshit from either your guy or the people he fucks and allows to defile you and the loyalty. Think on this too: He looks at you and he doesn't see a girl he wants for himself, a girl he wants to protect or a girl he wants to glorify. He wants strangers to defile you. Do you honestly think a man like that can be relied on to honour his own children if he can't even honour his own woman?
>>34488964That may be so, but I dont really care anymore. Whoever brought the hurt, at the end of the day, its still there. It will be there even if we go our seperate ways. And I don't have enough time, energy, and most importantly, faith, that I can pour into another person. And what is the point of being alone? I gave him all of my love just to get told after 7 years that he fantasizes about other people. I feel guilty if I think even an actor is good looking. What's the point of trying just to get... this, after years? Only to end it and start over? NahThe advice has been good so far but I have to find a way out
>>34488810>What the fuck do I do?Talk to him and explain how you actually feel. How is this even a question?
>>34489072But that will lead to us (most likely) breaking up. I dont want to lose him. But I cant be sad because of this so often. Its tearing me apart. And he notices. He is all I have :c he is all I ever had :(
>>34489059>That may be so, but I dont really care anymore.You should. Because your lack of caring is what emboldened him to cross your boundaries, he only tries to bring this shit to the table because he has identified that you let him. And you should care if you are considering marriage, because marriage is bigger than both of you especially if you were to have kids. Because what happens if you commit to someone who pulls this shit is that nay children you have with them will be defined by what happens in the marriage. The kids and their upbringing will take a hit. >And I don't have enough time, energy, and most importantly, faith, that I can pour into another person.That's why you need to do something about it. Protect your time, energy and faith but refusing to waste it on someone who doesn't want to fuck other women.>And what is the point of being alone?What's the point in staying in a relationship where you feel alone anyway? You already know your values don't mean much to him. That means you are alone in your values already.>The advice has been good so far but I have to find a way outThe way out is out of the relationship. Do not think you can convince him out of his ways. I tried with an ex who pulled the same shit. They promised to let the fantasy go, what happened instead was I got cheated on. Several times.
>>34489085>but refusing to waste it on someone who doesn't want to fuck other women by by refusing to waste it on someone who wants to fuck other women*
>>34489059Also>Seven yearsAnd still no engagement ring?
>>34489105We (he) were waiting to move in. Or maybe he wanted to tell me about this first and see how I would react. He asked me if being engaged would make me feel more secure about it. >>34489085I dont know what I want anymore. I thought it was just him and I would be the happiest woman on earth. But now that I know its not just me to him, idk anymore.It hurts in a special way. I dont want to live alone anon. I really dont. I committed to a man for 7yrs and gave him my all, just so I realise I am not good enough. And ironically, just like I wasnt good enough for my dad to stay (yeah, yeah, cue the daddy issues jokes). I wanted to feel like I am enough for one person. Just one.
>>34489117>We (he) were waiting to move in. Or maybe he wanted to tell me about this first and see how I would react. He asked me if being engaged would make me feel more secure about it.So don't move in. The minute you do that you are locked into bullshit because you'll be dependent on him, more than you already are. And listen to what he said, he would engage you if it would make you feel secure about it? What the fuck? He is telling you:"I am only willing to give a diamond to a lifestyle where I get to fuck other women. I will not give the diamond to (you).">I dont know what I want anymoreYou do know what you want. The problem is that you are with someone who doesn't want the same.>It hurts in a special way. I dont want to live alone anon. I really dont. I committed to a man for 7yrs and gave him my all, just so I realise I am not good enough.Neither did I. But three months of pain and loneliness is all it took to get over my ex, who I had been with for 8 years. Then I found someone else and got married and have kids, I got everything I could ask for: A place to call home, and a functional one at that, with someone who actually gives a shit.>And ironically, just like I wasnt good enough for my dad to stay (yeah, yeah, cue the daddy issues jokes).It's not a joke. It's the reason why you are addicted to this shit relationship. You are trying to convince him to love you, same as how you had to convince your father. You are dating the same dynamic, only difference is the guy has a different body but he very much is the same type of man as your father. If you continue, you will permanently trap yourself in the same dynamic that broke you for the rest of your life. And if that happens, loneliness will look like a luxury. You know what you have to do. Choose momentary pain over a life of suffering
>>34489080>But that will lead to us (most likely) breaking up. I dont want to lose him.Are you so desperate to be with him that you're willing to let him whore you out to other people that you don't find even slightly attractive? And if he's the kind of person who wants to whore you out to people you don't find attractive, is that really the kind of man you want to be with? Chances are, if you tell him how you actually feel, he'll just forget the whole thing and everything will be fine. Any decent man would react like that. If he doesn't, he's not the kind of person you want to be with anyway. You want to be with someone who actually loves you.
