I've never been able to use social media or walk around campus because I can't stand hearing or seeing people live rich, normal lives. It's gotten so bad that I can't talk to people my age anymore let alone make new friends. Just the fact that all my uni neighbors are traveling elsewhere this summer with friends/partners while I rot in my room is gut wrenching.These are supposed to be the best years of my life according to literally everyone around me. People drink and fuck every week, hang out with their uni friends every day, and I don't even remember the last time I had a friend online. I feel like a subhuman who should be put down like a fucking dog.How the fuck do I even make friends like this? How the fuck am I supposed to answer people when they ask me about my life, my friends, my socials, and my daily life without making them think(realize) that I'm an anti-social retard who shouldn't be bothered with?The thought of getting my bachelors, getting a half-decent job, moving into a small apartment and starting the rest of my life like this makes me want to kill myself right away. I have 13 months left to live a better life until that time comes.The reason why I got to this point is because of severe abandonment issues caused by extreme trauma. I severed the contact with every single friend I made in life, ever, and I still don't understand exactly why. Contacting them again is obviously not an option as they all hate me and because it's been many years since I last talked to them.Typing this all out was fucking brutal. I feel like I might be the most hopeless person in the world. I can't leave my room anymore because I'm so fucking scared of seeing anything that makes me think "I will never have that ever in my life"
You need to work on your self image, you cannot live life while hating yourself. When I was in college I was lonely as fuck, wanted to die, and was stressed as fuck from my major, so I took to drinking alone everynight. My roommates gave up on inviting me to their parties because I was so awkward, leaving me alone on weekend nights. Nobody cared enough to ask me if I was alright. The only healthy cope I had at that time was joining the rugby team and going to every single practice and playing in every single game. I made friends there but I was never close to anybody, I distanced myself because I thought I was too autistic and creepy to be normal. And that was my problem, if you think you are weird and socially unadjusted you will fulfill that without any effort. Change the way you think, be lenient on yourself and learn to like who you are. Expect nothing and stop thinking for other people. Pick up a hobby you can think about instead of negative thoughts and be physically active once a day. You may think you are too fucked up for relationships but that isnt true at all. Its really fucking uncomfortable at first but nothing in life is easy.
uni is a really unjust place imo because people are young and pretty and many of them fuck like rabbits. everyone seems to be on the verge of success too. a lot of these people will fail down the road too, if that makes you feel any better, be it in relationships or career-wise. university is somewhat of a narcissistic bubble imo. just think of it as a very inequal place and focus on your studies because if you fo get a university degree usually thats positively impactful for your life. i dropped out before finishing due to health reasons so even that is not a given. also get some therapy maybe some of the things you seem to believe are out of reach forever actually arent.
>>34508656EVERYTHING you describe about yourself broadcasts "Leave me alone" to everyone around you. YOU have to change first, to have people change their reactions to you
