What do you do if your boyfriend refuses to open up? He doesn't talk about his painful memories, traumas, or insecurities. He says he just wants to enjoy hanging out with people rather than having them know anything about him on a deep level. I don't have access to his heart.
>>34514622He's a smart man. Every single time I tried to open up to an ex, it was used against me>this is why you have issues>XYZ is why you need therapy >Oh well that sucks....but you'll get over it!So now women don't get shit deeper than surface level emotions from me.
>>34514635I would never do that to him.
>>34514622I don't think there's any reason to worry if none of that is affecting his mental health or his daily life, so you should stop pressuring him if he doesn't want to talk about his past struggles. Let him enjoy his social life and stop dragging him into your feminine, wholesome way of dealing with trauma. Most of us who have gone through painful experiences in the past just want to move past them and not have anyone ask us about all that.
As a man, a lot of men really just don't have a desire to talk about stuff like that.Not to say that there's never cases where men want to but feel ashamed or whatever, but sometimes we legitimately just aren't interested in talking about that stuff, not because of shame or anything, but just becauseIf he's not bottling stuff up, then it's not an issue
>>34514622Repent and stop being a faggot.
He knows that the second he does open up and show weakness, regret or trauma, you'll get the ick.>No I won't, I'm not like the other girls!I'm not saying it's your fault and it shouldn't be that way. It's just how you, and all women, are wired.
>>34514622>What do you do if your boyfriend refuses to open up?First question: How long have you been dating? It really matters.>He doesn't talk about his painful memories, traumas, or insecurities.You're assuming that he has them.You're assuming that he understands them.You're assuming that talking about them would be good for him.You're assuming that your curiosity trumps his privacy.>He says he just wants to enjoy hanging out with people rather than having them know anything about him on a deep level.Some people are more intensely private than others.>I don't have access to his heart.This will be an issue if it's true.Some men simply aren't comfortable sharing their deepest thoughts and feelings. Some men are emotionally closed off and refuse to risk letting anyone know themselves our of fear of getting hurt.We don't know what his deal is.Ultimately, him not sharing isn't the problem. The problem is that you don't feel like he's sharing himself with you and feel that means that he doesn't care as much for you. Those are your feelings and he cannot control them.In a serious relationship however, he should care about your feelings enough to put effort into trying to affect them.Making your partner feel safe, secure, and loved is important to the relationship. But it's a bit of a Chinese Finger Trap. Pressuring him to share suggests that you don't feel secure in the relationship if he doesn't. The logical follow through is that if you don't feel comfortable, you'll eventually leave. So effectively, it boils down to a threat of "Feel safe and secure with me or I'll abandon you." And obviously that doesn't work.The best approach is to clearly, calmly, and consistently communicate your feelings. He needs to understand what you need to feel in order to be happy in the relationship and put effort into making you feel that way. And visa versa.
>>34514622Genuinely, men don't process trauma in the same way that women do. For a woman, if she's unhappy, talking about it makes her feel better. For a man, it doesn't; it makes him feel worse. What he needs to feel better is to be distracted, and think about something else. If you try to force him to talk about things he doesn't want to talk about, you'll do a lot of damage. You need to open your mind to the possibility that other people's emotions don't work the same way that yours do, and that this isn't in any way a problem.
>>34514663You would. All women do.
Why do you want to intrude his privacy? Leave him alone.
>>34514663Women are physically repulsed by men showing physicall or emotionak weakenss. You have good intention, but i ever opens up to you sooner or later you will find yourself losing sexual attraction to him.You will try to rationalize and put the blame on other issues. But in the truth the real cause would be him openly showing weakenss to you.So if you love your man, do not let him do that. Tell him to find one of his btos or a (male) psycologist to vent
>>34514663Yes you will.
>>34514622Either one of two things typically happens with guys.First one is there's no desire to talk about it. We tend to be solution driven, if we cannot solve it by talking, there's no point on it, and if it's not affecting him then he might not see the use in it.Second, we would want to talk about it, but we do not do so. Maybe you feel shame around it because you're a man and big boys don't cry or you opened up once and it went poorly, and you wouldn't want to do it again to avoid pain/conflict/sadness/etc.To give you an example, I'm the latter, I was told by ex girlfriend she could not heal from her issues if she was around me right as she was breaking up with me, and after breaking up she shared personal information with common friends. I do not think I'd want to share much of my mental health issues/emotional problems after that with a woman I'd want to date and I do regret doing so. Maybe he has had a similar experience, maybe a friend of his has and that made him wary, or maybe none of that happened and he just does not speak a lot about his feelings.This is all assuming he even has painful memories, traumas or insecurities, as you haven't clarified he has them for sure, just that he won't share them.Maybe he does not have any of those things. Most you could do is reassure him he can have negative emotions, and he can speak about those things with whomever he deems fit, and you have to respect that and keep in mind that person he might want to talk about could be someone else than you even if he has told you about having any of these things in passing, and them affecting him on a daily (or close to daily) baisis. I will say, communication is important in a relationship, and if his closedness gets in the way of having a meaningful, fruitful relationship then you should consider having talk with him. If not, it's best to leave him be, maybe someday he'll feel ready to speak, or maybe he just does not want to.
He's experienced in this game. That's what that means.
>>34514622Stop trying to be his friend. Be his girlfriend. Cook for him, clean for him, do his laundry and iron his clothes for him. Give him something to look forward to when he comes home from work. Why would you want to bring up painful memories and traumas? That's a rhetorical question, you shouldn't be doing that at all.
